chero

I've been thinking about this all day. Do your friends know? I have a best friend, my kindred, and she knows about everything but the physical abuse, which i know just happened the one time. But the last several months I've been keeping her in the dark more and more because I know the burden on her must be too great. She wants me to leave and would have left years ago. I just think maybe it's not fair for me to vent to her because she can't help and I know that's hard for her. She can't help or understand. I feel like I should shield her or something?!??

Cynay

On this side of the screen it sounds more like Isolation then protection.

Toward the end of my relationship with my ex-AH I pretty much shut down, stopped communication and Isolated myself. It was so much easier then having to explain why I did not take action.... or to look into there eyes and feel even worse because of the pitty, anger, disbelief etc....

She my best friend then could not understand completely cuz she had not gone thought it.... but she did understand my denial and she kept me honest with myself.

I say this with love and respect. This is how I felt as it got worse.... it is only my experience so dont forget to take what you want and leave the rest hon.

denny57

Yes, chero, my friends know and they have all been incredibly supportive.

I looked at it this way: I would feel honored if my best friend came to me for support through her toughest times.

((()))

StandingStrong

I, too, hid things and made excuses. I defended my A and his actions countless times - even when I shouldn't have.
I withdrew from people - as cynay said - it was easier that way for me.
I gave up my friendships, my hobbies, and I, in essence, gave up my life. I was a very sad and hurt person that just felt so alone.

Today, now that I've begun my own recovery and my own journey, I no longer hide things. My XAH's issues are not mine, I have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed about them. I have learned that all those times I "protected" my AH by not telling the truth, I simply was enabling him to continue doing what he was doing.

Take care of YOU - and realize that you have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.
If he doesn't want his actions to be known, then maybe he shouldn't do or act that way, don't you think?

chero

I know that you're right-it's not my problem. But it affects me and my life. How do I go on with my life and leave him to his when his life affects so much of mine?
I've been on here for two days and I'm over-flowing this questions. I've never-ever had anyone to talk to that knew what this life is like. I'm so grateful for every comment but I'm also so full of questions.
I'm just searching for some real happiness in this life.

LiLL

A few of my friends know, and so do my parents. But most of them just don't seem to understand what alcoholism is like. Some think i should be supportive and stay. One of my friends said i should leave. Anyway, I told them because I needed to share my feelings with people close to me. I'm not looking for advice on whether I should stay or go. I'm the one to make this decision. In order to make a wise decision, I feel I have to know myself good enough and to be strong enough. That's what I'm trying to achieve.... by learning from the people here, reading, posting, meditating....

chero

Oh, Lill, I totally agree. It is my decision but how do you relate that to others-that you just need to vent sometimes and you aren't looking for them to solve your problems. Of course, for me people don't know. I guess. I haven't told people anyway. That's why I love coming here. Just knowing there are people who survive everyday means so much!

cuttlefish

With me, it comes down to who I trust right now. I've got some really complex things floatin' around in my head now. I have a good circle of friends who have seen my relationship from the beginning, they know what he did, how, and what I felt. Me and the abf have mutual friends too that know. But we both moved away from our college town, to our own respective home towns.

I don't have any friends left in my home town, they all wised up and split long ago. My college friends are a few hours away, so I feel really isolated. I've told my brother and dad...they are concerned. I don't dare to tell any other family members - me and abf were engaged...well, I don't want to share why we aren't just right now.

Sooo, short answer long story, I tell those that have seen me from the beginning only. And all the people on the internet now, come to think of it! Actually I feel I would have no problem telling any stranger about what I'm going through...just never my mother...any one else feel like that??

LiLL

chero, actually, i didn't tell anybody until I got fed up with pretending everything is OK in front of everybody. it's a great relief to be able to tell somebody, to admit there is a problem. But i never really vent to them, because it's just hard for them to understand. I almost felt sorry for telling my mom because she got so worried that she lost sleep for days after i told her the way and how much my AH drinks. But i had to let her know there is a problem otherwise i'd have to keep making up excuses when my AH misses a family gathering or something.

if you don't feel ready or comfortable yet telling others in real life about your situation, it's perfectly fine. The most important thing is that you do have support for you. Glad you found SR! This place means a lot to me too!

sunwish

For awhile I stopped saying much to my best friend because I was basically saying the same things over and over again. I would be miserable and want to leave and never would. I started feeling strange saying the same things to her. Although she was supportive it was my choice. Now that I have started recovery and have a plan I talk to many people....a couple of friends, my parents, sister and a therapist. It's really nice to be able to talk about things in the past, feeling, dreams, fears and the future.

golden4life

Hi chero,

There were two things that you posted which stood out to me personally.

"How do I go on with my life and leave him to his when his life affects so much of mine?" and "I'm just searching for some real happiness in this life."

I want like no other to empower you to find happiness. The fact of the matter is that enduring and then worrying about reoccurance of physical abuse does not lead to happiness. Neither does trying to rationalize or understand the behavior of an A. Neither does spending your life hoping that he will change, or expecting that he will change. Neither does spending your time ignoring the bad and only focusing on the good, when the bad is so clearly over powering the good.

The reason his life affects so much of your life is because you have no distance (both physically and emotionally). To get distance you have to create it, and often times you have to create the physical distance first. The emotional distance follows. It is painful because you are so used to being around HIM, worrying about HIM, concentrating on HIM, etc. You will have this void at first, and that void needs to be filled. I filled it with this forum. You can be on here 24/7 if you want, its safe, people are supportive, you will learn about yourself, it is 100% a healthy way to fill the void. Al-anon is also good. I happen to love this forum because it is ALWAYS here. Now I am concentrating on transitioning into taking on new activities and interests. And, if I need it, if I feel sad or scared, the forum is always here. So is Al-anon.

You have to work at happiness. The good news is that you know you have it in you to work hard at something. Just look at how much of yourself you have put into your A. If you could put half of that into finding healthy ways to be happy, you are certain to succeed.

ICU

How do you do that? Say it just like you said it here! You stated what you are looking for perfectly!

Chero, you are at the beginning of your recovery and as such, you will have tons of questions. That's great! You are reaching out, open to dialogue and a better way of life. Give yourself some credit for this first, but hugely important step! :-)

ICU

I couldn't edit my last post (too much time elapsed)...so I would like to add:

To answer your first question....do your friends know?

I told one of my friends, well, her and her husband. I didn't tell my parents because they are older, and between the two of them, they have enough major health problems on their plate.

Even if they didn't have health problems, I don't think I would have told them while it was going on (I'm happy to report that I'm out of that relationship now). I think that's because they hold grudges and I 'feared' they would never forgive him or allow him in their house again! And they would have been absolutely correct! I just wasn't willing to see that yet as I had to 'get ready' to see realilty and the truth in stages I think.

mallowcup

I don't think you are ready to hear her truth about it. You know what she'll say and you know she'll be right. You know what you'd tell her in if she were in the same situation.
I haven't really developed any friendships outside work, because mostly all I do is work.
I do have a lifelong friend who lives nearby who knows my whole life history and I know hers.
We talk in spurts and our conversations end and pick up right where they left off.
I also think I'm trying to work on me and who I am without too much input.
I like my own company.
I am planning to go to a cabin fever party in a couple of weeks witjh some girls at work. This is unlike me.

chero

I don't know if I'm ready to hear the truth either. My best friend knows and her husband and my pastor. There answer is always to get away from the situation and I don't know if I can do that. But nobody knows how bad it really, really is. If I didn't have this outlet I don't know what I'd do.
And also, he's been sober for several days in a row. It's so hard when he's sober and then starts all over again. I know it's coming. I just don't know what day or hour or moment it'll happen but I know it'll happen. I find myself wanting to be mean to him when he's sober because...I don't know, it's my chance to get back at him?!? That can't be good, I know.
How do you live for the moment-live in the moment? I'm constantly concerned with when the bottom will fall out.

ICU

Well, that's a beginning!

I agree with you. I don't think that would be a good idea either!


I've been there and that's a horrible way to live. What can you do in the moment? Keep reaching out and learning ways to keep yourself safe.

For example....have you read the Abuse stickies above the threads here yet? That's one thing you can do to learn a little bit more.

Have you called a domestic violence hotline to get their professional input yet? That's another IMPORTANT thing you can do to help yourself.

Also, I found private counseling to be crucial in giving me an additional place to vent, to learn about myself, and to get assistance and support in pointing me in the right direction. In other words, in helping me get out of the toxic relationship I was in!

I didn't find this place until 'after' my relationship had ended so you've got one more resource than I had had at the time!

chero

Here's a question for you...anybody...well, you know the physical abuse only happened the one time and what if it never happened again. Did I just say that?

LaTeeDa

So, just suppose it never happened again. You and I both know that is magical thinking, but let's go with it. So what you are saying is that hitting you is okay, as long as it's only once?

L

free2be

I have a group of "girls" that I am very close with. I don't think I have ever told one of them the entire truth about anything. When something bad happened and I needed to talk I would call all of them. Over the years I learned from their lives, stories and marriages what they would accept as "normal". I would tell them only what I thought they considered o.k. by their standards. So each one only got certain pieces and I was able to tell most of my story. This way, they would tell me what I wanted to hear and I would then convince myself that it's not so bad and I was able to keep the secret. The really bad stuff.. never told, probably never will.

Seeking Wisdom

Both as a child of an alcoholic and also the wife of one .... I learned that very few people can handle or understand the unique and complicated problems created by an alcoholic. It is sometimes just easier for people to avoid you or members of your family than to try and truly understand the complex and confusing situations you face. I know I have avoided getting too close to many people because it would simply be an excuse for them to gossip and ridicule. There are also those that pass judgement and give advise when they have almost no knowledge of what the problems are - which ultimately can be extremely frustrating. I finally told my father-in-law just a year ago about my husband's 30 years of alchohol abuse ... and nearly everything he said or did was rude and insulting because of his extreme lack of knowledge.

I have also had numerous people just tell me I should have gotten a divorce ... as if this was some simple quick fix, but when you have many years together, property together and most important, minor children together ... a divorce could potentially make things worse. For most of my life I have had to put up a wall between myself and others ... it wasn't for any other reason than to protect myself and later my children from harsh, unfair and poorly informed judgement from others .. which would have given us just more despair than we already had.

This forum is wonderful for the very reason that people here understand how painful and confusing life can be living with an alcoholic ... they know there are no simple easy answers and what a challenge it is to take charge of your life when you finally realize you have no control over the alcoholic.