chero

I don't know if it's okay since it was just once?
I just hate the alcohol! I HATE IT!
You know what else I hate? He doesn't even remember that he hit me.
And I don't even want to focus on that but I feel so angry.
I don't know what to say.....

LiLL

I think it's up to you to decide whether "once" is okay. And I hope you do know what you'll do and have plans to deal with it if i does happen again.

Do you know the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews? I highly recommand it. And here's some advice from the book concerning abuse. You can also find excepted chapters on the website: www.gettingthemsober.com

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What do you do when he physically hits you or mentally abuses you?
DON'T
1. Stay up all night trying to "show him" how he went wrong.
2. Try to convince him that you didn't provoke it -- that he really is wrong.
3. Assume that you caused it.
4. Think you probably bring out "the beast" in him.
5. Feel sorry for him.
6. Explain or discuss anything.
7. Think he doesn't know what he did.

DO:
1. Tell yourself it is a very bad situation.
2. When you and your children are safe in doing so, leave when he hits -- or if it's mentally cruelty, leave or tell him to leave.
3. Stay away from him for a few days, with no mention of where you are. Let him worry.
4. If you can return safely, or let him come back, do not discuss what happned. Do not believe his denial, his confused "I really don't know what happened to make you act like this!" He knows.
5. If and when it happens again, leave, or ask him to leave immediately, with no discussion about the episode when you get together again.
6. Understand that he'll get the message: You will no longer tolerate abuse.
Note: Follow these suggestions only if you and your children are safe in doing so.

chero

LiLL, I've got to get that book...I do all of those in the don't list. I'm just sitting here with my mouth hanging open.
Thanks!

DesertEyes

Hey there chero,

No chero, it's _not_ okay. Not even once. There is absolutely no justification for anyone to hit you. None whatsoever. Not even drinking, not drugging, not anything.

I was a raging alcoholic for a few years. I was extremely aggresive, both out of anger and intoxication. I drove drunk, I worked drunk, I partied drunk. I was sometimes a little drunk and sometimes blitzed out of my mind. I never directed my anger at another human being, especially not a woman or a child. There were plenty of opportunities in bars, parties, and on the job. As drunk as I was I still knew not to cross that line.

So no, it is _never_ ok.

I know. So do I. Addiction took away my marriage, it is beyond awful. We all hate it here, so you are with people who feel much like you do.

You have a right to be angry. What he did to you is wrong, and your feeling angry is a healthy reaction to being assaulted. You can use that anger to learn more about his violence, and to protect yourself. A good place to start is right here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

You don't have to say anything, we have all felt very much like what you describe. Many of the fine people here have overcome abusive relationships, and you can too. Know that I am praying for you today, and every day.

Mike

chero

D.E. How could you be so drunk and not do any of those things; fight or become physical? My AH seems to lose all reason when he's drunk...reason and remembrance. And thanks for the prayers, after the night I've had I'll take them!

ICU

Chero,

One thing that took my mind a very long time to comprehend was that violence and alcoholism are 2 separate issues.

Just because you are drunk does not automatically turn you into a physically agressive/violent person. There are many, many who have been intoxicated, and are NOT violent.

For those that are violent, it is something that lives within them...it's part of who they are. Maybe we haven't seen them become violent when they aren't drinking and that FOOLS us into believing it's the alcohol that MADE THEM that way. Truth is, the alcohol lowered their inhibitions enough for that part of them to show.

There's a wonderful book by Lindy Bancroft called...Why Does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Until I read that book, I truly believed with every fiber of my being that once the alcohol was out of my ex's system, that the anger and violence would magicallly disappear. SOOOOOOOO NOT TRUE!!!!

There's so many wonderful resources for you to use Chero. I truly hope you will be ready to use them very soon. But just like the rest of us, that won't happen until you're ready!

denny57

I highly recommend the Lundy book.

ICU

OOops....Denny is right. It's LUndy, not LIndy as I previously wrote.

hope2bhappy

Not every alcoholic acts the same way. In all the years my AH drank, he was NEVER verbally OR physically abusive.

Having said that... I was in another alcoholic relationship prior to this one where I would swear this man was Satan, himself. He was everything one thinks of when your mind conjures up images of an "alcoholic." Very physically and verbally abusive. My chances for survival would have been better if I'd had stage IV ovarian cancer.

How did I end up in another A relationship? Got me. I think it was because the first one was SO very different. He was an in-your-face alcoholic (pure evil), whereas the second one was not -- the disease came on gradually... so much so, that I hardly even noticed until it was too late. He was gentle and kind always.

No two are the same.

denny57

Our minds are funny things, I didn't even notice that LOL. I just run around recommending the book!

chero

ICU, While reading your post I was thinking about the times that my AH is sober. The times he has "given it all up." And you are right. He is angry inside aside from the alcohol. He has said many times that he knows he needs counselling but he has never gone. He is angry and he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions. He has never been physical in that..that sober anger before.
Sometimes I feel much older than my years say I am.

denny57

This was a HUGE turning point for me. I felt ancient at 47. I remember sitting in the doctor's office and he said to me, you are doing the right thing, you are young. What the heck was he talking about? Now I'm 49 and feel younger than I have in years. An entire life is waiting for me.

Good luck, chero!

chero

Bravo, Denny! You are giving me such hope!