supporter11

There are not very many positive posts about dating an alcoholic in recovery either. Once the alcholic decides he wants total recovery and it was his decision can there be a relationship? They need friends and relationships too but many say run away as fast as you can. Any advice?
C

BigGirlPanties

sober people can be amazing in relationships, why do you think otherwise?

sober...not dry..sober people. people who are consciously contacted with thier spiritual higher power.

dont lable all alcoholics has incapable of being healed and loving.

I know plenty of non alcoholics who are totally incapable of having a loving responsible relationship.

supporter11

I didn't lable all alcoholics has incapable of being healed and loving.
It is just that souch of what I have read seems to be advice on ruuning like hell.I don't want to do that but I also have to proceed with caution since I myself have been through a lot. THis advice to run like Hell comes from the co-dependency forums I lurk in. I agree, this person is very loving and he is just recently serious about his recovery-his decision and I have been supporting him for months and years before that supporting him as a friend.

mallowcup

No one lives happily ever after, alcoholic or not, only the Princes and Princesses in little girls books. This is a forum for the friends and families of alcoholics. The folks who come here are a from a particular base.
Sure many say run, but many stay. In any relationship, there is a time to stay and a time to go.
As in any relationship, if a person is being abused or their life is being devastated by someone else, they are encouraged to stay safe and sane.

Nuudawn

I am almost 3 months sober and I cringe at the thought that someone would need to run the heck away from me. BUT I also know I am not very well yet. This is completely foreign territory to me...handling emotions without the only coping mechanism I knew. I have no emotional muscle ...yet. Recovery is taking ALL my time and energy it seems. I have had a couple of dark moments where I have truly beleive I was having a nervous breakdown. What I do know, is that while I "recover"...I don't really have too much to offer another soul as far as an "intimate" relationship. I am only now getting "intimate" with myself...and I need to time and space to do that....no matter how lonely I get. I think it is difficult for someone close to us to give us space, not have expectations of us...and not want to help when we can only help ourselves (usually with other alcoholics). I think it is fairly safe to assume that those involved with alcoholics are fairly sick themselves and should seek their own recovery. Wounded people vibrate with other wounded people. I think that rather than hang on the fringes of another's recovery, one should recover themselves by looking at their own wounds.

Cynay

Well I have a bit different view on all this... and its only my experience and opinion.

First of all, Life is a choice. If I were married and my husband got cancer... I would walk though the recovery, radiation etc... it would be hell but of course I love him, he is getting help and we have a history... Now .. there is no guarentee that even if the cancer goes into remission that it will not come back again... I personally would not walk into a cancer treatment center with the idea of looking for a spouse. (not that it could not happen) If I happened to get involved with someone that has a good chance of dying.. I would have to think long and hard about that one. (just a note: I have chosen to have a relationship with someone that was terminally ill) An alcoholic does not recover and every single day there is the chance of relasp.... The disease is always there, the chance is always there and if you "choose" to walk into that relationship you are starting at a disavantage, so dont be suprised or resent it if in 10 years he/she does relasp.... You knew it in the begining and made the "Choice".

Now that being said. I LOVE alcoholics. They are some of the most chrismatic people that I know. I was raised by an alcoholic that never did stop drinking. I have married and divorced an alcoholic and I have dated more then a few of them. Today I still struggle in dating someone that have not had an addiction or worked a recovery program. Why? I have spent most of my life in recovery in one way or another.... I have had years of therapy and so my nature is to look really deep into myself. That is what I love to do... and when dating someone with no addictions or recovery (normie) they do not think like I do. I have ended relationships and have had the gentleman end them because of my recovery program. The just did not "get" it and I am finding that it becomes an issue for the both of us. They dont understand why I go to Al-anon meetings/CoDA meetings... they dont understand my theraphy and want to know when I will be "fixed". Some run from me because I must be crazy to spend so much time in theraphy or recovery. Im not saying that there are not "normies" that are able to "get it" heck my old sponsor found one and is getting married and she still works her program.... I am saying that I have not found one.

Then you have the other problem. I know first hand what Alcoholism does to a person/family. I have watched it all my life. I would also not walk into an AA meeting looking for a spouse... but again it does happen. I have not dated anyone I have met in an AA meeting, but I have/do date alcoholics that are working a recovery program. I am very much attracted to a man who is working a 12 step program because he is usually able to reach as deep inside as I do. My therapist and I are working on this whole issue right now, I am meeting normies and initiating the contact... and so far... nadda... It is still a great excersice for me but again... same issue.

I think if two people are working a program that they could very well have one of the most amazing marriages. BUT, You have to know you will always be second in his life to his recovery, its a choice and you have to know that it can/could blow up in your face.... and trust me on this one.

You dont want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

supporter11

Thanks Cynay. I didn't go looking, we have known each other a long time but only the past year or so he told me he was going through treatment and therapy for alcoholism. I just don't feel like I want to run away. I want to support him. It was his decision to get sober and he has been dong well, and takes one day at a time. We are friends for now with a lot in common nad he isn ot ready for a relationship and I told him I want him to get to a better palce. I have no plans to marry thie guy or become intimate. We enjoy each other's company and I am not a drinker.

Jfanagle

I have dated in and out of the program over the last 8 years, and it seems that most important is my contribution to the relationship and that contribution spells sucess or failure. Secondly the other individual must understand what my sobriety means to my life in general, and our relationship specifically.

Both alcoholic and non alcoholic ladies want to be treated with respect and consideration, so in that regard alcohol dependence or recovery isn't the issue. Where I have found that two recovering alcoholics can have problems is when program and the fellowship is so pervasive that it precludes "living" in the outside world. Sometimes I have found that as we all know, each of us views certain parts of AA in our own way. This is great and keeps our fellowship vibrant and alive, but when two folks are intimate and something as important as one's "own program" is questioned by his or her lover, the fireworks may fly!

Just my opinion, but I have found that a non member who trys to understand the commitment that we make to our sobriety is usually the best match for me. I have to sleep with one alcoholic, but two of us in bed just may be one too many!

supporter11

Thanks. I am not an alcohlic but I have offered to go to alanon meetings for me to help me understand. I have read everything I can get my hands on. He seems to be very strong at the moment and I know that could change but he is a very kind man and never got mean when he was drinking. I didn't see much difference between the sober man and the one who had been drinkning. He never had any support from someone close by or family, only criticism. I will keep my boundaries, go out dancing and seeing him perform in his musical things. A companion is great for now. He needs time and I am in a good place now and this is all I need as well for now.

hope2bhappy

Bless you for being so supportive. Just keep your eyes wide open and the focus on you. Let him work his recovery on his own (don't ask him about his meetings, don't give him advice, don't even make suggestions). It's okay to support him... just be careful you don't try to manage him. This is the pit we fall into way too often. Then we ask ourselves "what happened?" We co-dependents can be a little too helpful. We think we are just trying to help... but we are actually hindering (and driving ouselves crazy at the same time).

If your A was not in recovery, and since you are not married, I would be suggesting that you leave. It is a very tough life. But since this is not your circumstance... go forth and be happy!

supporter11

Thank you for that positive message. I do not ask about his meetings-he goes 3 times a week. We have a special communication going. He does however tell me about his therapy sessions with his recovering, 20 year sober alcoholic counselor.

golden4life

I would love to give you my perception on the "run like hell" philosophy...

I'm sure you're aware now that there are active alcoholics and recovering alcoholics. For the most part, the run like hell philosophy is being brought up in regards to active alcoholics. Those alcoholics who refuse to seek help, or lie about seeking help, or even seek help but don't really want to be sober (i.e. those who go to AA meetings and then stop, don't actively participate in their recovery, don't have sponsors, etc.).

Living with an active alcoholic is torture. For whatever reason(s), many of us on this forum have agreed to be tortured. At some point, you (and by you I mean me and others on this forum) just don't want to take it anymore. This moment of grand inspiriation is fragile. It is amazing what you can compromise when your AB is on the phone saying he is sorry, or in your face promising to go to AA, or embarking on a short "dry spell". So, we say "run like hell" (maybe not in those words) to support eachother and ourselves in leaving a situation that is torture...to remind ourselves that an active alcoholic who apologizes, promises, or dries up, is STILL NOT SOBER. We also say "run like hell" because we have probably believed the apologies and promises before, all to be let down time and time again. We say "run like hell" because we need to enter into our own recovery, where we learn to concentrate on ourselves, our future, and our needs.

It appears like your friend is a recovering alcoholic, but I obviously can't say for certain. I would advise you do what you already are...learn as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism. Read everything you can get your hands on. Read the positive and the negative to get a full picture. I have been dating my AB for almost two years. I realized he had a problem after about 6 months, and I did research about alcoholism. Unfortunately, while I knew a lot about alcoholism, I didn't really listen and I certainly didn't reflect on what I wanted from our relationship (classic signs of being co-dependent). I ignored the warnings about investing too much into him and not enough into myself. I ignored the advice not to move in together, and to follow through with any threats I make about leaving. I am finally listening and applying what I learned from my research.

If your friend is truely a recovering alcoholic, committed to his own sobriety, then you don't need to run like hell. But you do need to spend a good amount of time being honest with yourself and working on your own life during the course of your friendship and future relationship. Be really honest. If you have a bad feeling, a "gut check", listen to it!!!!