Is this a dumb question? Why are our A's so similar?
 

I started reading threads here several days ago. I mean, REALLY reading them. It suddenly struck me that regardless of age, race, religion, or creed, the A's appear to follow almost stereotypical patterns. The abuse, the blaming, the "victimhood," the manipulation, the lies, the denial. It seems as if each one of us is treated in a simiar fashion.

I know we've had the discussion here many times about what comes first; the character defects that lead to addiction or the addiction causing or magnifying the character defects.

There is probably no answer to this; however, I was struck by how many alcoholic spouses are exactly like mine in the way the operate. Of course, we codies tend to be similar as well ....

Well let’s face it if they were able to handle responsibility and face life they would not be hiding in a bottle.
It’s pretty simple when think about it.
But many will fall back to some stupid excuse for drinking or not paying a bill.
Now the new one is it’s not my fault, it’s in my genes.
BS it’s in their glass!
It’s always some excuse so just accept it.

Yup, Prodigal, when I first opened this thread, I was going to say just that. We all follow an amazingly similar path as well. In fact, it's just downright unbelievable how much we are alike too. I'm not necessarily referring as much to the "codie" thing as I am to the fact that when we wake up one day and realize we are in the mess of alcoholism, we all seem to start reacting the same way. I see new members posting "but he's so great when he's not drinking," or "maybe he's just a problem drinker," and I can hear my first post clear as a bell.

I never knew there were so many like my AH out there until I started reading here. In AA meetings I'd only heard about those that were far more progressed than mine, or there was just enough difference between their stories and my AH at the time, I actually thought he WAS different. Little did I realize he was slowly becoming what each of them described; he was still working on "his story", as they say. The "isms" really are amazingly shared by so very many.

I noticed this when I first came, found it amazing actually, it just reminds me that when we think we are the only person this is happening too...we find out we are not.

Question though...has anyone else noticed paranoia at times in the alcoholic. I have just started to notice this when my husband is drinking....strange thing it is.

Oh, for sure! Such common factors, quotes....almost like they (and Us) take a class and repeat the teachings word for word. Amazing really. AND, I also have wondered what comes first....

Searching ... yeah paranoia is common (I think)
 

I spent almost 24 hours locked up in solitary confinement in the Yuma County Jail because I tried to "kill" my AH. He had accused me of the same thing when we lived in Maryland, but that time he only locked me out of the bedroom. I had never, ever laid a hand on my husband! I think the paranoia is an outgrowth of their delusional thinking because listen to the quacking they'll do to convince you they are NOT A's!

I'll have to go back and look at my first post. I don't think I mentioned "... but when he's sober he's a great guy and I love him." I was more along the lines of what is "normal"? I'd been in nutland for so long I think I didn't know what I really felt or what was real. Whew!

What surprised me was that everyone else's A seemed mentally ill too. I never knew if my XAH had mental problems, or if his strange behaviour and weird conversations were from the alcohol and drugs.

I've always wondered -- do they ever become "normal" again if they quit drinking and/or doing drugs? I'm talking about those who seem mentally ill after years of abusing.

Prodigal...I've always thought about how many similarities I've seen on this board, reading about other peoples A's and thinking "Bingo!"

Soo many behaviours are so similar or identical it's untrue...it's almost like when the alcohol eventually begins to fry their brains that they turn into some kinda "stepford" SO, except of course they don't do the housework!

I find the similaries strangely comforting...I also hope that because so may behaviours, (even down to the exact same sentances/lines/comebacks etc..) are the same, that it's GOT to be the booze, and under all that BS there's a lovely guy waiting to live again...

Dolorosa, Just what I feel, I have friends that are recoverying A's. They are fantastic people, perhaps they were fantastic people before they ever drank?? I am thinking of 2 males and 2 females. They really worked their programs. One can quote the AA Big Book and tell us pg and chp. then can tie things together also.
Three were divorced, but the one female was married, married gal seemed to have an excellent marriage.
Perhaps she was a light weight A? The one that can quote the book was a horrid person drunk. Just my 2 cents

Prodigal, you prompted me to actually go look at my first posts. :)

First post:
Second post:
Sixth post, and this one really hit me:
It hit me because, yup, it turned out to be necessary.

Unfortunately, we have all been there.
Just wanted to share. :)

Everyone's stories are the same because we all have huge capacities for excuses and not seeing reality as it is. We all do something to escape reality and responsibility, we just don't all hide behind bottles.

Mr. C, I don't think its an excuse to say 'it's in your genes'...the excuse is the action. Beyond action its all semantics. Same action, wrapped in different packages, sort of like demented christmas presents.

I just have to add this for a laugh. My best friend was married to an alcoholic and divorced him. I can't seem to let my boyfriend go. She is friends with my guy, in fact, introduced us, but she always says my guy is just like her x-husband. I know what she means but my retort is always the same "No he's not, he doesn't stink and he has all his teeth!!!" .......... Shuts her up every time!

We alkies find the same thing in the rooms of AA. It's one of the things that's so cool about the program. We come in thinking we're the only ones that have ever [Insert whatever here], only to find out we're not.

It's nice having someone that understands what we've been through.

Why are codependants so similar? What leads us to our defects and to the choices we choose to move forward with in life?