His additiction is killing me
 

My name is Mary, I am a recovering alcoholic looking for help. Many have told me the place to go is al=anon, i'lltry this first.

My husband got a DUI 4/07. When I went to pick him up at the state police barracks I found he had another woman on his motorcycle when he dropped it.

Now that he has lost his licence when he goes to the bar he does not come home at night opting to stay at a friends house behind his favorite haunt.

I know I can't get him get sober or change anything else about him for that matter but his behavior is killing me inside. His attitude is he just does not care about anything.

I know all about setting boundries etc.... I think its time to let go but I don't know how! Any suggestions?

Hi; glad you found us! What you describe sounds vaguely familiar to me, and similar to lots of others who post here. I understand the feelings of frustration, confusion,etc.,etc.......

Coming here to read and post helps me daily, and most will tell you that Alanon is also a part (if not center) of their own recovery efforts.

I have found a lot of practical help from the Getting Them Sober books (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com to preview a few chapters online!). I encourage you to take a look and see what you think.

I look forward to getting to know you!

p.s. Congratulations on your own sobriety!

Welcome Mary...Mega Hugs

I have not been in your situation
as I left my still drinking lover
to protect my peace of mind and sobriety.

As I am a recovering alcoholic
I had to.

He survived
I thrived.

Blessings

Hi mrsk and welcome!
Sounds like you found the right place in our corner :)

Ive heard it said that protecting your sobriety and recovery is 1st things first. So, congrats on finding recovery for yourself.

Maybe you are one step ahead of the game since you know alot of what wont work....:)

Stick around, theres lots of cool people here !

Mary, the snarky troublemaker in me wants to suggest that you insert your foot into his nether regions with maximum velocity, but that will only make you feel better for five mintues. It's not a long term solution ;)

Well, I'd ask you to think about what you'd say to a friend who just told you this. Imagine we're at lunch and I just told you that my husband got a DUI with another woman on his bike and now hangs out "his" bar and doesn't come home at night. Wouldn't you be thinking, "Wow, a DUI and he's still hanging at the bar?" or "Lord, he must be at that bar and spending the night with this other woman..."

Baby steps. First understand what's really going on here. Then think about what you'd want for your mother, daughter, or friend in the same situation.

Love.

I allowed my XAH to kill me inside too. There came a point when I remember saying that "My spirit was completely broken" and that's a very devastating feeling.
I had to really ask myself some tough questions when I began my own recovery - and I had to get real honest with myself - and it hurt - bad. Coming out of the denial and not allowing myself to get sidetracked by the latest crises was a whole new world to me.
You are a recovering alcoholic, so you know that no one will seek sobriety until they truly want too - and then it's a lot of hard work after that. So you know that he's not going to change unless he's good and ready too.
I finally had to come to terms with the fact that it didn't matter how I felt or what I did - I could not save my XAH. But there was something that I could do - and that was to save myself.
So I began my own recovery.

There is a lot of "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. There is some really amazing information in those posts and I hope that you will read them. There is some about the roles we play as the codependant as well as topics of our recovery. Please read them. And try to take care of YOU.

Just wanted to add: Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
You might want to remember this.

Contact Cheaters......"the reality television show that confronts infidelity and the breach of trust in an effort to expose relationship problems and help empower the injured party. Cheaters encourages the renewal of temperance and virtue." You have the right to be informed, not to mention the evidence to divorce his @ss.

Just kidding.

welcome! keep posting! blessings, k

May I ask what makes you stay in this relationship?