Nice when he drank & now a mean dry drunk!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
marley I'm going to say this as kindly as possible and pray that you get it. I am not trying to be judgemental and please don't take offense. But your post to me scared me. YOU NEED TO POSTPONE THIS WEDDING IMMEDIATELY!!! There are so many problems you are dealing with right now and if you marry this man you will be stuck! He tried to commit suicide just days ago!!! Dry drunk or not this man needs some serious help and so do you!! He is getting therapy because of the suicide attempt which will hopefully get him some help for the other issues in his life that lead up to the attempt. ARE YOU GETTING SOME HELP? He is affecting your life and the life of your daughter. Do you really want to marry into this problem that is only going to escalate? You should not consider marriage until he has been sober for AT LEAST one year. Statistics show that a recovering alcoholic needs that time to focus on themselves if they want to have a better chance of recovery. 1 year is not too long to wait for the rest of your life. You want it to be healthy and happy. Not full of heartache and despair which is what you are going to be asking for if you marry this man anytime in the near future. Until he gets "fixed" and YOU get "fixed" marriage will only make it worse.
Again, I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm also not trying to tell you what to do. I don't know you or him. But from your posts it sounds like you are desperatly trying to justify someone's behavior and looking for hope for a good outcome with someone who right now just needs some professional help. If you want that good outcome you need to start with you
But please don't marry the man.
Again, I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm also not trying to tell you what to do. I don't know you or him. But from your posts it sounds like you are desperatly trying to justify someone's behavior and looking for hope for a good outcome with someone who right now just needs some professional help. If you want that good outcome you need to start with you
But please don't marry the man.
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by dobiediva 
marley I'm going to say this as kindly as possible and pray that you get it. I am not trying to be judgemental and please don't take offense. But your post to me scared me. YOU NEED TO POSTPONE THIS WEDDING IMMEDIATELY!!! There are so many problems you are dealing with right now and if you marry this man you will be stuck! He tried to commit suicide just days ago!!! Dry drunk or not this man needs some serious help and so do you!! He is getting therapy because of the suicide attempt which will hopefully get him some help for the other issues in his life that lead up to the attempt. ARE YOU GETTING SOME HELP? He is affecting your life and the life of your daughter. Do you really want to marry into this problem that is only going to escalate? You should not consider marriage until he has been sober for AT LEAST one year. Statistics show that a recovering alcoholic needs that time to focus on themselves if they want to have a better chance of recovery. 1 year is not too long to wait for the rest of your life. You want it to be healthy and happy. Not full of heartache and despair which is what you are going to be asking for if you marry this man anytime in the near future. Until he gets "fixed" and YOU get "fixed" marriage will only make it worse.
Again, I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm also not trying to tell you what to do. I don't know you or him. But from your posts it sounds like you are desperatly trying to justify someone's behavior and looking for hope for a good outcome with someone who right now just needs some professional help. If you want that good outcome you need to start with you But please don't marry the man.
Again, I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm also not trying to tell you what to do. I don't know you or him. But from your posts it sounds like you are desperatly trying to justify someone's behavior and looking for hope for a good outcome with someone who right now just needs some professional help. If you want that good outcome you need to start with you
But please don't marry the man.I've already gotten married to him! Last October. Yes, it was very stupid to rush in so quick. But now that I'm in, what about that whole "in sickness and in health" thing? I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I know he's sick and needs help. I guess I'm just trying to take inventory of what I've done as well to aggravate things.
I know his sickness isn't my fault. I've posted that in alot of my posts. I'm also in the middle of a custody litigation (figuring out visitation and what not) and they know that we've gotten married. That sucks, because it's going to make me look unstable. I'm a good mother, I've always put her first... she's happy, playful, smart, counting to 10 and she's not 2 yet! It's confusing how long it would take until it was healthy for us to live together. I don't want to do anything to risk hurting her emotionally.
I just don't want to bail out when he's got depression and show him i'm not there for the tough times. I don't want to put up with abuse either. He's never hit me or hurt me. He does lose his temper and I don't think I want my daughter living around that until he goes to Anger Management classes, gets a sponsor, goes to AA, and we go to couples counseling.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: OR
Posts: 32
Kids first. Always kids first. You second. And then debateably, your emotionally unstable mate, third. My best friend had an alcoholic father, but she didn't know him growing up. Her mom decided it would be way worse for her to grow up around an alcoholic, than to grow up without a father. Thus, they divorced when my bud was only 2. To this day, my best friend swears her mom was right. She says her mom's decision saved her life, not necessarily physically, but emotionally (although we can argue on this forum that physical abuse could have occurred if he had remained in her life). Now she credits her healthy marriage and solid self-esteem to her mom divorcing her dad before she learned how to "live with an alcoholic".
Her dad has been sober for 5 years now. She knows him, they talk, he is a good part of her life. But if he had been in her life while he was drinking...not good.
Her dad has been sober for 5 years now. She knows him, they talk, he is a good part of her life. But if he had been in her life while he was drinking...not good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: rwc, ca
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Marleyfloydbabe
I've already gotten married to him! Last October. Yes, it was very stupid to rush in so quick.
Hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first marriage that resulted in divorce?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Good luck and please concentrate on your daughter and yourself. Besides all the other problems and red flags,I personally do not see him as "dry drunk"...maybe I am wrong about that. From what I see it shouts out "controlling his drinking",etc.,etc. as a short-term damage control for the other life problems it was creating. JMHO
Perhaps an anulment is in order;at least until he gets healthy and you can get your own life and situation regarding your daughter in a better place. Again,my observations.
Sorry you have so much on your plate.
Perhaps an anulment is in order;at least until he gets healthy and you can get your own life and situation regarding your daughter in a better place. Again,my observations.
Sorry you have so much on your plate.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Oh marley I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sorry I misunderstood. I thought you were planning the wedding for October of THIS year. I know how you want to stand by your man as you promised in your vows, but you made that promise without TRULY knowing what you were up against. Pushing for and/or rushing into marriage (or living together) so quickly after meeting is actually one of the signs of an abusive situation. (Not saying that's what happened with you--just stating that fact)
Well, so now that you ARE "stuck" what can YOU do to help YOURSELF? Do you WANT to be with him, supporting him through all of this knwoing its probably only going to get worse? Are you strong enough to handle the abuse that will be directed at you? Only YOU can answer that. We can't tell you what to do. I wish we could give you the answer but that is something only you can decide. You love him, but you don't want to (and shouldn't have to) put up with an abusive situation. You said you were planning on going into counseling and that is a great first start. But don't feel like you failed should you decide to save yourself and your daughter and fight for YOU happiness--with him or without him! Abuse, like alcoholism is progressive. It will only get worse if left untreated. If he won't seek and stick to his treatment and recovery then for the sake of your daughter and yourself you should leave and not look back.
Well, so now that you ARE "stuck" what can YOU do to help YOURSELF? Do you WANT to be with him, supporting him through all of this knwoing its probably only going to get worse? Are you strong enough to handle the abuse that will be directed at you? Only YOU can answer that. We can't tell you what to do. I wish we could give you the answer but that is something only you can decide. You love him, but you don't want to (and shouldn't have to) put up with an abusive situation. You said you were planning on going into counseling and that is a great first start. But don't feel like you failed should you decide to save yourself and your daughter and fight for YOU happiness--with him or without him! Abuse, like alcoholism is progressive. It will only get worse if left untreated. If he won't seek and stick to his treatment and recovery then for the sake of your daughter and yourself you should leave and not look back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
I agree with the next post--Dry Drunks are the hardest to live with. It is extremely important you get to alanon. You need to learn how to take care of you and not get sucked into his B--S---. Dry Drunks are manipulative and can twist things arround in such a manner that AT SOME POINT YOU WILL BE BLAMED FOR THE CHANGES. oTHER TIMES THEY GET LIKE THIS JUST SO THE PARTNER WILL SAY "oK GO GET A DRINK"
sSome of this BS is just a game...They have not yet realized it really is a matter of life and death. So you have some decisions to make and some work to do on you and your own side of the street. This is certainly not easy in a relationship/marriage where there had been a tight bond. If I may, I'd lke to ask a question...Do you feel safe? Do you think the anger is escallating? Do you think he has the potential to hurt you?. You do not have to answer these questions to me. But you do need to answer them for youorsewlf. Then pray about it, write bout it and talk about it, As the big boo statesin the 24 hour plan, we paause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action"
Be sure to take the time to listen . It is one thing to place our petitions before our Higher Power.....It is yet another that we take the time to really listen for the direction and guidance we need in thesse kinds of dynamics.
We are behing you and yet we are walking beside you. You are not ALONE.
pRAYERS, lOVE AND HUGS
sSome of this BS is just a game...They have not yet realized it really is a matter of life and death. So you have some decisions to make and some work to do on you and your own side of the street. This is certainly not easy in a relationship/marriage where there had been a tight bond. If I may, I'd lke to ask a question...Do you feel safe? Do you think the anger is escallating? Do you think he has the potential to hurt you?. You do not have to answer these questions to me. But you do need to answer them for youorsewlf. Then pray about it, write bout it and talk about it, As the big boo statesin the 24 hour plan, we paause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action"
Be sure to take the time to listen . It is one thing to place our petitions before our Higher Power.....It is yet another that we take the time to really listen for the direction and guidance we need in thesse kinds of dynamics.
We are behing you and yet we are walking beside you. You are not ALONE.
pRAYERS, lOVE AND HUGS
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
Scorpy
Originally Posted by scorpy
Hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first marriage that resulted in divorce?
Oh I just realized that you were talking about my first relationship. Oh well, I already wrote all that and I guess it's something that I needed to talk about anyway. With my first relationship, the guy was my first love, first sex, and all that. We were together for 4 years. I thought I was in love but from almost the beginning knew in the back of my mind that he wasnt good enough for me. I didn't really respect his decision-making, his intellect, irresponsibility just kind of let him love me. I can honestly say that I did love him, but it wasn't a true love. I almost broke up with him right before I got pregnant but it was too hard because I did love him and he cried and all. Then he got me pregnant on purpose, I guess to keep me. Eventually, towards the end of my pregnancy he cheated on me. I guess part of me doesn't really blame him because he probably sensed that I didn't really respect him. But yes, it hurt me deeply when I found out shortly after I had my kid and he took forever to end it (emotional affair) and deceived me and never expressed to me that he was genuinely sorry and understood how bad he hurt me. It was a huge blow to my ego too. To feel that someone who once adored you and you thought loved you would choose another woman over you. Anyway, in April '06 I finally ended it with him. I had had enough and knew I would never trust him again and that I'd never get over it and that I never was meant to be with him because he never really made me happy in the sense of true honor and respect.
And yes, I met Andy in May, '06. Some would say it was a rebound relationship. But truely he treated me the way my stepdad treats my mom. He adored me, and not just in the infatuation sense. He really, truely loves my little girl and treated me like a true gentleman. He looked at me with an awe that I've never ever experienced and was so responsible and chivilrous and laid back. Before he met me he was always dating all kinds of girls and never gave his heart to anyone. I'm his first relationship. I'm wondering if he was so selfless because of codependency and that's why he started to resent me when I wasn't being him. I don't know. I liked it though. I liked how he treated me. I didn't like that over time he started getting mad at me for not doing things. But then again, I did kind of take it for granted. So I can't tell if it's just codependency or a natural response (mixed with codependency) of not being appreciated when you're giving so much to the relationship and not feeling like the other is giving the same back.
Last edited by Marleyfloydbabe; 02-28-2007 at 11:34 PM.
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
Deep Depression
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
Good luck and please concentrate on your daughter and yourself. Besides all the other problems and red flags,I personally do not see him as "dry drunk"...maybe I am wrong about that. From what I see it shouts out "controlling his drinking",etc.,etc. as a short-term damage control for the other life problems it was creating. JMHO
Perhaps an anulment is in order;at least until he gets healthy and you can get your own life and situation regarding your daughter in a better place. Again,my observations.
Sorry you have so much on your plate.
Perhaps an anulment is in order;at least until he gets healthy and you can get your own life and situation regarding your daughter in a better place. Again,my observations.
Sorry you have so much on your plate.
You know I think you're right. Today I went to visit him and his case worker/therapist told me that he has major depression and that the alcohol was him self-medicating. How very observant of you to notice that! I had to be told this by the case-worker.
She said that his rage might be some sort of bi-polar related (but without the highs) things and also unresolved issues. Basically my husband is mentally unstable from depression probably chemically and from unhealthy attitudes that make him more negative and spiral downward. It was so sad seeing him there. He's got this whole victim mentality, so negative. I made the decision yesterday that if he's sick wih depression, that I will stick by him. "In sickness and in health". If I had depression, which I have had but not to his degree, I would hope that my husband would be able to see that this was an illness and not me. That's what I'm trying to grapple with. He says that I'm a different person the last 4 months and he doesn't know me and doesn't know if he wants me! I'm so hurt and so mad! At the same time I know that part of this is that he's sick. It just really really stinks and I hate it.
I love him so much and know that I've done some really stupid things that hurt him. I also know that he's got ownership in his own misery and that's not my fault. Alot of our fights after we married have been about him asking unreasonable controlling things of me and me trying to enforce boundaries (ultimately unsucessfully because he's so irrational.....hence more fighting). In the beginning, I did some stupid things too. I was still wounded from the last relationship and I was insecure. I would pick fights over if he was looking at other girls sometimes, or get butt-hurt over us not thinking alike. Stupid trivial unimportant stuff. He's the most faithful man I could ask for. Once someone that was hanging out with him commented to me that he couldn't believe that my Husband didn't even notice a single attractive woman, didn't blink an eye.
Anyway, he has codependent issues, anger issues, depression. "Anger I think is really hurt, fear, or frustration" (quoting Dr. Phil here!). Well, I think the anger is a manifestation of the depression and the depression is in part caused by his codependent attitude. Although I know his suicidal stuff is not my fault or responsibility, I know that I had my part in hurting him too, I'm responsible for what I brought into the relationship to contaminate it as well.
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
Love is not simple, it is not kind.
It spares no one, and rarely speaks its mind.
Love is the master, and never the slave.
It controls the emotion, when its hand is merely waved.
Like highly fantasized, love drains the veins.
Love drinks the mind, and takes no prisoners aside.
Not the rose, but rather the thorn
This is love's true nature.
Love then takes the thoughts and wraps them around one fragile find.
Then the bubble bursts and the victim is lost within their own mind.
Love has succeeded on rare occasion but this is just chance...
Love is dangerous, it is cruel.... and it weaves its violent dance.
Love is a mystery, love is romance, love is history, love is chance.
On the things that love could be, all these things live in you and me.
We cannot choose. We cannot foresee.
But we can live. We can be.
And above all, I guess we can love.
Love's a bitch.
It spares no one, and rarely speaks its mind.
Love is the master, and never the slave.
It controls the emotion, when its hand is merely waved.
Like highly fantasized, love drains the veins.
Love drinks the mind, and takes no prisoners aside.
Not the rose, but rather the thorn
This is love's true nature.
Love then takes the thoughts and wraps them around one fragile find.
Then the bubble bursts and the victim is lost within their own mind.
Love has succeeded on rare occasion but this is just chance...
Love is dangerous, it is cruel.... and it weaves its violent dance.
Love is a mystery, love is romance, love is history, love is chance.
On the things that love could be, all these things live in you and me.
We cannot choose. We cannot foresee.
But we can live. We can be.
And above all, I guess we can love.
Love's a bitch.
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
dobiediva
Originally Posted by dobiediva
Oh marley I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sorry I misunderstood. I thought you were planning the wedding for October of THIS year. I know how you want to stand by your man as you promised in your vows, but you made that promise without TRULY knowing what you were up against. Pushing for and/or rushing into marriage (or living together) so quickly after meeting is actually one of the signs of an abusive situation. (Not saying that's what happened with you--just stating that fact)
Well, so now that you ARE "stuck" what can YOU do to help YOURSELF? Do you WANT to be with him, supporting him through all of this knwoing its probably only going to get worse? Are you strong enough to handle the abuse that will be directed at you? Only YOU can answer that. We can't tell you what to do. I wish we could give you the answer but that is something only you can decide. You love him, but you don't want to (and shouldn't have to) put up with an abusive situation. You said you were planning on going into counseling and that is a great first start. But don't feel like you failed should you decide to save yourself and your daughter and fight for YOU happiness--with him or without him! Abuse, like alcoholism is progressive. It will only get worse if left untreated. If he won't seek and stick to his treatment and recovery then for the sake of your daughter and yourself you should leave and not look back.
Well, so now that you ARE "stuck" what can YOU do to help YOURSELF? Do you WANT to be with him, supporting him through all of this knwoing its probably only going to get worse? Are you strong enough to handle the abuse that will be directed at you? Only YOU can answer that. We can't tell you what to do. I wish we could give you the answer but that is something only you can decide. You love him, but you don't want to (and shouldn't have to) put up with an abusive situation. You said you were planning on going into counseling and that is a great first start. But don't feel like you failed should you decide to save yourself and your daughter and fight for YOU happiness--with him or without him! Abuse, like alcoholism is progressive. It will only get worse if left untreated. If he won't seek and stick to his treatment and recovery then for the sake of your daughter and yourself you should leave and not look back.
Thanks for the concern diva, I'm sorry I'm going through this too! =( It really is the hardest thing I've ever ever ever endured. Everything you mentioned is something I've thought about, and struggled with in my head. I do love him, but I WILL NOT put myself in a situation where my little girl will have to see her mommy being verbally abused. I think that its traumatizing for a little girl to see someone talking to her mommy like that, her steadfast person being undermined and yelled at. She's already having a hard time with him suddenly not around and sensing my stress & fear & hurt.
I've decided that I'm strong enough to handle the depression, but I will not allow myself to be abused and afraid. If he's not going to get himself help, I'm not going to let myself be hurt emotionally and my little girl suffer by having a miserable mommy.
Right now the case-worker is talking to his therapist and theyre going to be working together. Also, I have talked with a pastor who specializes in relationships who's willing to give us couples counseling. He has to be willing to work on himself.
My friend was telling me that as well.
Pushing for and/or rushing into marriage (or living together) so quickly after meeting is actually one of the signs of an abusive situation.
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
butterfly
Originally Posted by iambutterfly
I agree with the next post--Dry Drunks are the hardest to live with. It is extremely important you get to alanon. You need to learn how to take care of you and not get sucked into his B--S---. Dry Drunks are manipulative and can twist things arround in such a manner that AT SOME POINT YOU WILL BE BLAMED FOR THE CHANGES. oTHER TIMES THEY GET LIKE THIS JUST SO THE PARTNER WILL SAY "oK GO GET A DRINK"
sSome of this BS is just a game...They have not yet realized it really is a matter of life and death. So you have some decisions to make and some work to do on you and your own side of the street. This is certainly not easy in a relationship/marriage where there had been a tight bond. If I may, I'd lke to ask a question...Do you feel safe? Do you think the anger is escallating? Do you think he has the potential to hurt you?. You do not have to answer these questions to me. But you do need to answer them for youorsewlf. Then pray about it, write bout it and talk about it, As the big boo statesin the 24 hour plan, we paause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action"
Be sure to take the time to listen . It is one thing to place our petitions before our Higher Power.....It is yet another that we take the time to really listen for the direction and guidance we need in thesse kinds of dynamics.
We are behing you and yet we are walking beside you. You are not ALONE.
pRAYERS, lOVE AND HUGS
sSome of this BS is just a game...They have not yet realized it really is a matter of life and death. So you have some decisions to make and some work to do on you and your own side of the street. This is certainly not easy in a relationship/marriage where there had been a tight bond. If I may, I'd lke to ask a question...Do you feel safe? Do you think the anger is escallating? Do you think he has the potential to hurt you?. You do not have to answer these questions to me. But you do need to answer them for youorsewlf. Then pray about it, write bout it and talk about it, As the big boo statesin the 24 hour plan, we paause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action"
Be sure to take the time to listen . It is one thing to place our petitions before our Higher Power.....It is yet another that we take the time to really listen for the direction and guidance we need in thesse kinds of dynamics.
We are behing you and yet we are walking beside you. You are not ALONE.
pRAYERS, lOVE AND HUGS
I probably need to go on Al Anon, even if he isn't a dry drunk. He's been diagnosed as a codependent by the shrink and they give advice for codependents. I'm hoping it would also show how to deal with a codependent who seems to be expecting me to be one and gets angry when i'm not being controlled or manipulatd!
Like you said, I need to realize that I can't control his feelings or healing, but I have to trust and pray that God will help him and help me. He already has given me wisdom, alot more than I had just a week ago. It's weird, I've never really actually notice a prayer answered while it was happening (me getting wisdom from God). I just hope my other prayer will happn the way I wish. Of course it doesn't always go the way you want it to be.
With the safety stuff. No I'm kind of scared. He's definately out of control andneeds serious help. I'm willing to support him through his depression, but I will not live with him or be around him unless it's in counseling where I can feel safe. I know he's not going to listen to me because of the emotional feelings toward me, but that it has to come from someone else.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
Listen to your hear and to your instincts. Each one ou had trouble with depression when we first started to wave the white flag of surrender and put the cork in the bottle. Those of us fortunate enough and courageous enough to walk into the doors of AA found support and others who understood and had been in the very same place I was, therefore they were of teemendous help to me and before long the depressiomn was but a memory. e is lashing out and blaming you only becasue you are the closest person to him that he can do that to. It ias called projection. He is projectinng his feelings outward and unfiortunately at you. I'd suggest you give him an ultimatum. If he really loves you and waNTS TO BE WITH YOU THEN HE NEEDS TO GET A SUPPORT GROUP. iT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT IS CHURCH, AN ANGER MANAGEMENT COURSE O aa. --yOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOUSELF AND SAY, "I am not your whooping post. I deserve better than to be put down and berrated on a daily basis. I have my support system in place to help me to learn how to live sober. I refuse to go to a class on how to be your boot scraper. I have learnned to be responsible for my feelings and I am accountable for by actions and my behaviours. If we want to make this work it has to be both of us working."
I applaudhis effots but it sounds like he is trying to do it onn his own, which doesn't ujsussally work, or he is doing it just for you snd that doe not wok either. He must doing it for himself. The family afterwardss might be a good chaptdr for the two of you to read together.
There are so many dynamics in a new relatioship and to every story there are two sides. The best thing you can di fir him right nwo is:
1. Walk away whenhe is blaming you and taking it out on you. When a hot topic comes up and you see the fire in his eyes--GET OUT but do not say a word to him
2. Stay on your own side of the street. Talk about how you feel.
3 Stay vey close to someone in the program. Invite them over just to see how hr reacts. The other person can then share their exoerience strenght snd hope with him.
This is a hot button for me. It took several startups on relationships and after ZI put a great deal of money to helpmyself,, it seems as though he was listening because he stormed into the room and went off on myself and the 2 person's who had agreed to assist me. He wiped up the floor with us.
My first mistake was noy sharing withhim how I was feeling. That initself was where I had just gottn not one but several kicks i the a__ in my back and in a few oher choice places like my stomach, asorunf the head, etc, What learned was 1. Do nOT confront a man when he is a sllooop beligerant drunk, actively drinking or dry drunk]
All three of those boys areso very grateful and appreiative the have been placed togethre in a reecovery home. They are loved and accepted for who they are. hey have shown potential heaing and progress. I am convinced they are on thre right track and they have been given their own toolbox with all kinds of nest things
My eyes are really needing to go close now--Feel free to email me and keep me posted
Love prayers and hugs
<Mary
I applaudhis effots but it sounds like he is trying to do it onn his own, which doesn't ujsussally work, or he is doing it just for you snd that doe not wok either. He must doing it for himself. The family afterwardss might be a good chaptdr for the two of you to read together.
There are so many dynamics in a new relatioship and to every story there are two sides. The best thing you can di fir him right nwo is:
1. Walk away whenhe is blaming you and taking it out on you. When a hot topic comes up and you see the fire in his eyes--GET OUT but do not say a word to him
2. Stay on your own side of the street. Talk about how you feel.
3 Stay vey close to someone in the program. Invite them over just to see how hr reacts. The other person can then share their exoerience strenght snd hope with him.
This is a hot button for me. It took several startups on relationships and after ZI put a great deal of money to helpmyself,, it seems as though he was listening because he stormed into the room and went off on myself and the 2 person's who had agreed to assist me. He wiped up the floor with us.
My first mistake was noy sharing withhim how I was feeling. That initself was where I had just gottn not one but several kicks i the a__ in my back and in a few oher choice places like my stomach, asorunf the head, etc, What learned was 1. Do nOT confront a man when he is a sllooop beligerant drunk, actively drinking or dry drunk]
All three of those boys areso very grateful and appreiative the have been placed togethre in a reecovery home. They are loved and accepted for who they are. hey have shown potential heaing and progress. I am convinced they are on thre right track and they have been given their own toolbox with all kinds of nest things
My eyes are really needing to go close now--Feel free to email me and keep me posted
Love prayers and hugs
<Mary
womanlyartsgoddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nampa, Idaho
Posts: 16
yup
Originally Posted by iambutterfly
Listen to your hear and to your instincts. Each one ou had trouble with depression when we first started to wave the white flag of surrender and put the cork in the bottle. Those of us fortunate enough and courageous enough to walk into the doors of AA found support and others who understood and had been in the very same place I was, therefore they were of teemendous help to me and before long the depressiomn was but a memory. e is lashing out and blaming you only becasue you are the closest person to him that he can do that to. It ias called projection. He is projectinng his feelings outward and unfiortunately at you. I'd suggest you give him an ultimatum. If he really loves you and waNTS TO BE WITH YOU THEN HE NEEDS TO GET A SUPPORT GROUP. iT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT IS CHURCH, AN ANGER MANAGEMENT COURSE O aa. --yOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOUSELF AND SAY, "I am not your whooping post. I deserve better than to be put down and berrated on a daily basis. I have my support system in place to help me to learn how to live sober. I refuse to go to a class on how to be your boot scraper. I have learnned to be responsible for my feelings and I am accountable for by actions and my behaviours. If we want to make this work it has to be both of us working."
I applaudhis effots but it sounds like he is trying to do it onn his own, which doesn't ujsussally work, or he is doing it just for you snd that doe not wok either. He must doing it for himself. The family afterwardss might be a good chaptdr for the two of you to read together.
There are so many dynamics in a new relatioship and to every story there are two sides. The best thing you can di fir him right nwo is:
1. Walk away whenhe is blaming you and taking it out on you. When a hot topic comes up and you see the fire in his eyes--GET OUT but do not say a word to him
2. Stay on your own side of the street. Talk about how you feel.
3 Stay vey close to someone in the program. Invite them over just to see how hr reacts. The other person can then share their exoerience strenght snd hope with him.
This is a hot button for me. It took several startups on relationships and after ZI put a great deal of money to helpmyself,, it seems as though he was listening because he stormed into the room and went off on myself and the 2 person's who had agreed to assist me. He wiped up the floor with us.
My first mistake was noy sharing withhim how I was feeling. That initself was where I had just gottn not one but several kicks i the a__ in my back and in a few oher choice places like my stomach, asorunf the head, etc, What learned was 1. Do nOT confront a man when he is a sllooop beligerant drunk, actively drinking or dry drunk]
All three of those boys areso very grateful and appreiative the have been placed togethre in a reecovery home. They are loved and accepted for who they are. hey have shown potential heaing and progress. I am convinced they are on thre right track and they have been given their own toolbox with all kinds of nest things
My eyes are really needing to go close now--Feel free to email me and keep me posted
Love prayers and hugs
<Mary
I applaudhis effots but it sounds like he is trying to do it onn his own, which doesn't ujsussally work, or he is doing it just for you snd that doe not wok either. He must doing it for himself. The family afterwardss might be a good chaptdr for the two of you to read together.
There are so many dynamics in a new relatioship and to every story there are two sides. The best thing you can di fir him right nwo is:
1. Walk away whenhe is blaming you and taking it out on you. When a hot topic comes up and you see the fire in his eyes--GET OUT but do not say a word to him
2. Stay on your own side of the street. Talk about how you feel.
3 Stay vey close to someone in the program. Invite them over just to see how hr reacts. The other person can then share their exoerience strenght snd hope with him.
This is a hot button for me. It took several startups on relationships and after ZI put a great deal of money to helpmyself,, it seems as though he was listening because he stormed into the room and went off on myself and the 2 person's who had agreed to assist me. He wiped up the floor with us.
My first mistake was noy sharing withhim how I was feeling. That initself was where I had just gottn not one but several kicks i the a__ in my back and in a few oher choice places like my stomach, asorunf the head, etc, What learned was 1. Do nOT confront a man when he is a sllooop beligerant drunk, actively drinking or dry drunk]
All three of those boys areso very grateful and appreiative the have been placed togethre in a reecovery home. They are loved and accepted for who they are. hey have shown potential heaing and progress. I am convinced they are on thre right track and they have been given their own toolbox with all kinds of nest things
My eyes are really needing to go close now--Feel free to email me and keep me posted
Love prayers and hugs
<Mary
I agree with everything you're saying. I'm so sad that he's blaming me for everything. When he gets out he going to live with his parents because he's so depressed he hasn't been taking his meds, eating, sleeping... just not taking care of himself and making it worse. I'm threatened that he's going to THEIR house though, because of his dad (read earlier post this morning).. He's obviously struggling with getting out of that victim mentality and I feel like they're going to feed into that and he'll listen because it's nicer to hear and what he wants to think in a way. I almost feel hopeless about it like he's already lost. They were giving him bad advice before when he really started being abusive and he felt justified (i'm hurting him, so its ok for him to call be a bitch because he's such a victim bs)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
When we pray darlin " I just hope my other prayer will happn the way I wish." God answers in his timen not ours and he doesn't always give us what we want but he will surely give us what we need. It is important to say "Thy will be done" and believe me I do know how hard that is.
The other thing to remember when he is callling you names is that you are not what he says. We do not define ourselves by what others call us.
I love you and so does God
The other thing to remember when he is callling you names is that you are not what he says. We do not define ourselves by what others call us.
I love you and so does God
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
Again darlin' we do not define ourselves by what others call us.
Yes it does sound like Aanon may very much help.
Because he is an adult he is responsible for his own actions, "not taking his meds" . Pray that God will touch him and work with him then let it go and let God do his work. You really need to focus just onyou and on your recoery and your healing. With him going to his parents you have an opportunity to do just that. But remember if you are focusing on your fears of what his parents are doin youare not in the now and working on you. God has given yuu tis opportinity as a gift. How are you going to use that gift? If you focus on them you are telling God it is not time, it is notthe right color, it is not the rigfht size. We do not get to question God's gifts. We get to learn how to accept them graciously.
So tell me...what are you going to do with this gift of tiem that God has given you?
Yes it does sound like Aanon may very much help.
Because he is an adult he is responsible for his own actions, "not taking his meds" . Pray that God will touch him and work with him then let it go and let God do his work. You really need to focus just onyou and on your recoery and your healing. With him going to his parents you have an opportunity to do just that. But remember if you are focusing on your fears of what his parents are doin youare not in the now and working on you. God has given yuu tis opportinity as a gift. How are you going to use that gift? If you focus on them you are telling God it is not time, it is notthe right color, it is not the rigfht size. We do not get to question God's gifts. We get to learn how to accept them graciously.
So tell me...what are you going to do with this gift of tiem that God has given you?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Marleyfloydbabe
I probably need to go on Al Anon, even if he isn't a dry drunk. He's been diagnosed as a codependent by the shrink and they give advice for codependents. I'm hoping it would also show how to deal with a codependent who seems to be expecting me to be one and gets angry when i'm not being controlled or manipulatd!
Take care.
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