gracie

I have not posted in forever. I have a functioning alcoholic that I am to marry next month. I love him to no end. There seems to be no limit to my devotion but I am feeling so scared for our future now. He has had a strong grip on his drinking for many months. We have seen a therapist and have really opened up the dialogue concerning this whole issue. Unfortunately, he has a toxic ex wife, in addition to his drinking problem and she has actively engaged in alienating his daughters from him for years (since we have been together) This woman has done everything she can to hurt him/us and most recently put her 13 year old child up to stealing personal items of mine for the wedding. When we confronted the obvious issue, the ex wife used this to springboard right back into her terrorism. As a result, the children who are successful manipulators, like dear old Mom, are estranged from my fiance again. I came home to find him drunk after weeks of maintaining. I was sick over it. More sick because he is allowing that despicable woman to control him and more so because that LIQUID is stronger than he is. I confronted him angrily which was the wrong thing to do. He was acting out beligerently and said some hurtful things. I saw in that one episode how much pain he is in and realized for the first time he may be unable to handle this himself. I am so scared. Our wedding is in 6 weeks. I cannot share this with my family. I cannot share this with most of my friends. I am ashamed and I am sad. I have stood by this man and have learned what real love and committment is about since I met him. I feel that he feels powerless to change because he is so used to dysfunction - his ex was a drinker too. It's like part of him thinks he does not deserve anything. I know that I do deserve happiness and I am really angry now, really pissed at his selfishness and self absorption. I saw him last night as an addict and it scared me. I got down on my knees and prayed to God to heal us. This ex wife has done all she can to ruin our lives and she is succeeding. I wish he could see that.

liddy

Dear Gracie

welcome back !
Gracie, i was thinking about your words"he had a grip" and
the "liquid is stronger then he is". and it is all true, sometimes they can have some control but it is temporary because the
alcohol is so much more then willpower. They have a disease of
alcoholism and from what i have seen, without the miracle of AA in
their lives most will become worse as the disease is a progresive
one.
Your future husband may have drank this time because of the
dreaded X-wife causing so much pain but next time may be something else,or no reason at all.
If your not going to alanon please give it a try,your right you deserve happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

I wish you all the best
love
liddy

constant

Dear Gracie, Glad your back with us and have somewhere to turn.
As I was reading this post I could feel that y'all really have done some soul searching, which is always great to do BEFORE you marry. (I myself didn't have the forsight....too young) But I couldn't help but notice something you said......

"More sick because he is allowing that despicable woman to control him"

Can she REALLY control him, if we can't....why could she? or did he make his own decision because........

"that LIQUID is stronger than he is"

Remember the ONLY person that ANYONE has ANY control over is themselves.

I realize that the wedding is only 6 weeks away and with or without the alcohol if there is doubt you could always postpone. I know it sounds crazy, but hind sight can be 20/20, your not married until your married. I believe that your friends and family would rather that you were SURE than to go ahead because it was already planned.

Hope I didn't step on your toes.....I am just an outsider looking in and I only wish you the best!!!!

Constant

gracie

Thanks for your responses. You know, I ask myself - how do people live with this? Can you live this way? 90% of the time I adore my fiance, he is wonderful and I cannot imagine my life without him. But those rare occasions when he gets drunk, I cannot stand him. I wonder if you guys can give me feedback on Al Anon? I just wonder does loving a person like this guarantee a lifetime of misery or is it like any other person with faults - in this case, he could well have a disease. I just can't seem to rationalize anything anymore. I know no one is perfect but crazy as it sounds, besides this consumption of BEER, he is perfect for ME. I wish I could better understand the disease part of it all. I tend to think this is all within his control and he's just enjoying drinking - it's a strange concept to realize he may have NO control.

Ann

Gracie

There are many different types of alcoholics, some more difficult to live with than others. But please keep in mind that it is a progressive disease if left untreated.

And although the ex is a royal pain, life is full of upsets and I have seen my son use in his best moments as well as his worst, so his recovery is not dependent on the world being nice to him. It is dependent on his willingness to do the work necessary to stay sober.

Only you can decide whether you want to go ahead with the wedding right now or postpone until you feel better. And only you can decide if you can live with this man, exactly as he is, or not, because expecting him to change is futile. He will change only when he is ready, and that comes later for some than others.

Glad to see you back, and please feel welcome to come here as often as you like to just share and work it through. And if you can get to Al-Anon meetings, please give it a try. Your life may depend on it, I know mine did.

paradox

Gracie you said you wondered if you were going to have a lifetime of misery. Well I was miserable not to mention crazy until I found alanon. If he is really an alcoholic you'll need to learn to detach. What that meant for me was that the kind of day I'm going to have no longer depends on whether he's drinking or sober, happy or sad. I had to put the responsibility for my life into my own hands not the hands of an addict.

I had a lot of trouble with the disease concept at first. Now that I know that it is true it really changed my perspective. I still wonder sometimes why he can't just stop especially since he is not happy with what he's doing and no longer enjoys drinking but that's not something I have any control over.

I hope you try alanon and don't be afraid to possibly postpone the wedding. I had the same fears before I got married but pushed them to the back of my mind. I was embarressed to admit my situation to anyone. It might not hurt to level with a friend or family member you might be pleasantly suprised by their insight.

I was trying to cover up how bad the drinking was but most of them already knew and didn't want to upset me by bringing it up.
I hope everything works out for you. It understand how conflicted you are right now I remember feeling just the same way. Good luck.

osier59

Gracie,

Welcome back! I recommend Al Anon. right NOW! It honestly saved my life, and it has given me the tools I need to live my life happy, joyous and free, regardless of what the As in my life are doing. There are many different types of groups and meetings, but they all share a common purpose- to give love and support to family and friends of alcoholics. You will also find help here on the forum, but it is best incorporated into a program of face to face meetings and readings too.

A couple of things I learned early on:

The 3 C's: You didnt Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it

Also - he's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it. He's not drinking because someone did something to upset him or any other multitude of reasons. He's drinking because he's an alcoholic. It's really that simple. We all have choices - and consequences. And we get a daily reprieve based on our spiritual maintenance.

HUGS to you. We are here for you.

Osier59

gracie

Thanks, all.
Last night he admitted he has a problem. This is a breakthrough. He has a lot of sports injuries and claimed in the past that the beer helped 'numb' the pain - how convenient. Then he blamed all the stress from his ex wife and his kids, again, a nice cop out. He finally said to me that he realizes this problem is bigger than even he thought it was. He has agreed to attend an AA meeting. I am so relieved, though of course I am afraid. I am proud of him though and I want to support him in anyway I can. He should be applauded for this and though I realize this is an admission of a bumpy road for me, I would not leave him if he was sick with cancer, for example. If this is indeed a disease, I will be here to love him and stand by him.
I am going to check into local Al Anon meetings too. I am trying not to look at this as a death sentence of our relationship.

constant

Gracie, Yes admitting he has a problem is the 1st step for him. Follow through with looking for an al-anon meeting and start working on yourself. I totally support the 3 c's that Osier referred to......memorize them!!

Good luck and lots of hugs!
Constant