eveningstar

so yesterday Afiance bought some non-alcoholic beer after work. she's been doing this for months now, trying to keep it in the house instead of real beer. but, along with it, she also went to the state store and got 4 bottles of wine. she showed them off one by one, so proud of how cheap they were.

later, when asked what was bothering me, i asked her why she bought the wine. the excuses were all over the board. samples: "well, i'm not going to drink it all tonight," said jokingly. "it's for when guests come over. anytime you go to someone's house, they always offer something to drink." yes. like pepsi or tea or water or milk. *rolls eyes*

she got frustrated that she couldn't answer honestly; so she turns away and says, "you don't have to date me." . . . . . . ah, the things we say when we've disappointed ourselves.

this morning she gets up for work. i've already been awake, laying there for an hour thinking about the stupid wine. we talk about everyday things while she's getting ready for work, but there is this tension. she says goodbye and closes the bedroom door. i hear her leave. but i get the feeling that she isn't gone. so i walk out of the bedroom, to the kitchen window and see her cleaning off her car. she finishes and walks toward the house. she looks at me and doesn't smile. comes inside, grabs one of the bottles, says, "you don't have to worry about the wine."

she goes to the porch and throws the bottle. crash. she looks at me. "two bottles down." i tell her that was childish and close the door.

i was shaking. repeating to myself, just detatch.it's not about you.just let it go. she texts me a few mintues later, saying that she didn't do it to be childish; it was liberating.



i realized that the throwing was not out of anger or frustration about my nagging. she saw her error. she knew that the reasons for buying it were not any that she told me. she reason was her own craving; the comfort of having it around, of having a full wine-rack.

i was right. it had nothing to do with me.

this is why i don't give up hope. she is 26. she didn't have her first drink until 2 years ago. it's still early.


for the record (and to make this longer), i did call her and apologize for saying it was childish. i expected the worse; that was my mistake.

i'm proud of her.

appleblaster

and i'm proud of YOU for realizing this wasn't about you. with my xabf I would have totally taken the blow and felt the crash of that wine bottle as if it were meant for my head.

keep it up.....I hope your resolve sticks and you avoid the downward spiral.

lots of love to you

Yankee_at_heart

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but I’ve read many. Your situation is and isn’t far from mine, as I battle with the decision of divorcing my AW of 24 years. She drank before we were married and I did not see all of the warning signs; squelched them in mind as they increased. I rationalized many of her drinking problems with problems at her job, and her alcoholic daughter. My wife retired about 4 years ago and the drinking really escalated. About the same time as her retirement her daughter attempted suicide with 4 of her 6 children parked in their garage with the car running. All lived, but that’s another long story I may post at another time.

I say all of this because it may be easier to detach now than having 24 years of baggage to reconcile with ones’ self.

I took the vows seriously, but apparently my wife has not. It is so easy for the alcoholic to absolve themselves of any wrong doing while we feel the pain of caring.

Hang tough!

mallowcup

I think she heard the echo of her own excuses. How many times has she said the same things to herself. Her actions imply that it was YOU who had heard this a million times before. She's heard herself say it a million times and she is starting to disgust herself. It'd like you've met the other man, the THING that stands between you and her. It's pretty hard to introduce the other man to your husband and think that any reassurance is OK.
You don't have to date her. She's the one who needs to remember that.

eveningstar

she really does have more "what the hell am i doing?" moments than drinking binges. and i am very thankful for that. i think the fact that i calmly pointed out the obsurdity of some of her comments and said nothing to others gave her time to think about what she was saying. it simply did not make sense. she knew that.

so, yes, disgusted with herself. i hate to see her in that state, but it's something she did and now has to undo. and if that means hating herself a little, then so be it. and i will be here to keep an eye on her, make sure she's safe.
well, safe, but still paying consequences.


hey, i'm doing pretty good with this! yay!



thank you all!
alison