newenglandgirl

I thought some of you may find this article interesting.

It focuses mainly on the special implications associated with treating abused women using the codependency model, but I found there to be some very thought provoking information here that probably most can benefit from...or at least find interesting.

http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/health_h...ependency.html

StandingStrong

Ya know what I've found to be true (for myself as well) - I really didn't know what abuse really was.
Imagine that!!! But it really is true. Was it that I was desensitized to it? Or that a forms of it that I'd been raised with made it seem as though it really was just a normal part of life and not abuse. To me - abuse was extreme. It was the people that were bruised, broken, or murdered.
It took a long time before I really got a full grasp of what abuse is and that there are more forms of it than physical abuse.

For those that justify the abuse, those that think "it's not that big of a deal" or "it just happened once" or whatever..............check out the following site please so you'll know just what abuse is.
http://www.novavita.org/pages/abuse.html

It took me understanding that I was being abused before I could decide to not accept it. Before that - it wasn't a problem because I didn't really see it as abuse.

StandingStrong

oh newenglandgirl - thanks for the post. I believe there is something similar if not the same link up in the Stickies about abuse. I find that the article makes some very very good points!!! Truly - what works in codependant relationships can't be applied to the relationships that have abuse in them! Too often people don't realize this until it's just too late.

newenglandgirl

I also found what they say about gender role socialization and the codependency 12-steps to be really interesting...I never thought very much before how we, as women, are really socialized in many ways to be more focused on others than ourselves. And how this plays into our relationships in such a big way. It's almost like trying to become NOT codependent, is in a way, at the same time, going against our socialized ideas of what it means to be a woman.

I like how the article doesn't judge, but just points out how it can be quite hard for women to feel comfortable rejecting so many behavioral patterns (socialized notions of what women should do/be) that are often deeply engrained into us.

Also, they mention that often women are not prepared for the consquences/results/outcomes that ensue when/if we seek to "heal" our codependency.

I will be pondering this one for a while!

newenglandgirl

Oh - and something even more important that I think this article points out, is how when a woman is in a physically abusive relationship with an addict, that the first priority for her should NOT be dealing with her codependency issues, but rather first getting herself help to find safety from the violence.

ICU

Yup, Yup, Yup....that's what I try to share about all the time.

This is a wonderful article Newenglandgirl. It's up in the stickies from awhile back and I refer to it all the time. I'm glad you posted it here again...it makes it more visible to newbies who haven't ventured into the abuse stickies yet.

LaTeeDa

For anyone who is interested in this subject and wanting to learn ways to take your power back, without compromising what it means to be a woman, I recommend reading any book by Harriet Lerner. She has quite a few of them. (The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Fear, The Dance of Intimacy are the ones I've read)

L

elizabeth1979

These are awesome books...I think it was important for me to step up and realize that I do not have to be victimized by anybody. I had to learn what I was gaining out of staying in victim mode before I could get out of it.

The book, Telling Yourself the Truth, bu Dr William Backus and Marie Chapian, also really helped me.

denny57

I've read those books and like them, too.

This is interesting because I have this discussion with my therapist quite often. Yesterday she said to me I was confusing my attorneys because I was acting in a way that is more "like a man" and not what they expect from a woman. It's true, my attorneys even said at one point that it's usually the woman in contentious divorces who is expected to be the "reasonable and fair" one. Of course, the addiction adds a layer where I think gender has nothing to do with it.

Thanks.

LaTeeDa

Aw, Denny, those poor poor confused attorneys. LOL Do they charge extra for that?

L

denny57

LOL!!!!!! Yes, they do!

cuttlefish

Thanks for posting that, it was a really interesting article, got my brain going at this late hour.

Its a bit funny how some of the codependent traits are ones that women are socialized into anyways. Maybe thats why some aspects of codependency have struck me as 'off' and insulting...its confusing to be told what you're doing is the wrong way, when you've been raised exactly the opposite.

Codependency theory is so broad, and I think the problem is using it as a catch-all. People get so caught up in looking for something relevant they forget that codependency is not an actual condition or disease...its a term for a set of socio-cultural behaviors.