newwmnnow

Well, thanks to all of you for your support and I want to say that I did follow through on my threat to leave him. As I implied, though, things did not go well. We talked about me leaving and taking the kids. I was going to pack stuff up for us and make the journey to go stay with some friends the next day. He was supposed to go to work anyhow(remember, he works nights) so I thought all would be fine. I thought I smelled liquor on his breath as he was leaving but he said that he was fine. Well, a couple hours after he left, he I get a collect call from him at jail. He was arrested because the officers thought he had been drinking. Apparently he was tested at the arresting site and then when he was arrested, they wanted him to take another at the jail. He refused and now has to stay in jail with no bail until his hearing. I told him though that even if I could have bailed him out that I wouldn't have. I'm tired of the lies and the totally different person this makes him. Maybe sitting in jail for a week or so will help him clarify his situation. I have to say that I feel badly for not feeling worse. I am actually glad this has happened. I feel so terrible that he has driven drunk or at least buzzed. I don't even want to think what could have happened. Now, maybe he will be forced by someone who has more power of him than me to get help. The good thing is we don't have to leave the house for a while yet. I don't have to uproot my kids until another time, maybe not for a while depending on the sentencing. Well, wish us luck and please keep us in your prayers.

eliza

sounds like maybe you have an HP looking over you ?

mallowcup

In NY refusal to take a breathalizer is guarentees the DWI and I think if you refuse, they will not reduce the charge. It's a felony here.

stillsearching

you are in my thoughts and prayers... sounds like it only makes it easier to leave after that...

GiveLove

Good for you for setting these boundaries for yourself.....and having the courage to honor them.

Congratulations for taking care of yourself and the kids.

GL

newwmnnow

When I spoke to the police to find out what really happened, AH just spouted off stuff that didn't make any sense, they said that since he refused the breathalizer at the jail that he would automatically lose his liscence for one year and be jailed until his court date. They said he claimed he couldn't walk the line because of broken ankles, which he did have several years ago, but to my knowledge never impeded his walking like a normal person before. The officer didn't know the results of the field breathalizer, my AH says that the only reason they arrested him was for failing the walking test, which I really don't believe. Just to cover their own behinds, don't they need to have something show up on the breathalizer. Also, when Ah called he was yelling all this nonsense about suing the county and especially the officers and using a bunch of profanity. He doesn't normally act like that, even if he is mad. To me, it just reinforced that he had been drinking and that he had lied to me once again. One thing I'm really grateful for is that all this happened after the kids went to bed, so they didn't hear anything. And none of my friends or relatives knows anything that is going on. I have always been too ashamed to talk about it. Even when I was going to leave and stay with friends, I just said that we were having problems and needed to seperate. How do I get over these feelings of failure and shame and guilt?

LaTeeDa

It takes time, courage, and most of all support. I bet if you told someone close to you what is going on, you would be surprised by their reaction. I know I was. I got nothing but understanding and support when I finally told people what was going on with me. Many here have found Al-anon to be extremely helpful. Counseling/therapy can also do wonders. There are others who can help you, all you have to do is let them. (((())))

L

CodeMaster

If you are plannin to move out ASAP, then I would recommend doing so without delay but not necessarily having to RUSH like you may have before. Dont waste anymore time because he maybe RELEASED even without bail to setup his attorney and etc. He maybe out soon, some time will go by, he goes back to court and they will tell him how much time he has to do and at this stage he is usually with a lawyer.

So if your planning to leave for real, then no more excuses and pack up and go.

I've been in jail, you can get out without bail depending on the crime and your history and it wont teach you any lessons so dont expect it to teach him anything good. If anything you just leave learning how to do more crime.

Take cares of yourself, start a new life, do what you have to and as a friend said once to me, no matter what and at all cost, persevere....

newenglandgirl

Hey there newwmnnow...lots of hugs to you...wow - what a day you've had!
You're doing the right thing...I know you know that...but I just wanted to let you know how impressed I am with your good judgement and actions.

I felt really embarrassed and ashamed too. I kept my AH's drinking a secret for years. I helped him hide it from our families...and I thought I'd die if they ever found out the extent of the situation.

But then things started getting totally out of control with my AH. He went from an after work/weekend drinker to an all day, not leave the house for days on end kind of drinker. And he progressively became more and more irrational and crazy. As you can imagine, and probably can relate to, I began to really fall apart. I tried for a while to keep my emotional state hidden from my family and friends...but it just got to be way too much for me to handle alone. With the help of my therapist, I worked up the strength to tell my family and some close friends.

And let me tell you - it was incredibly liberating! I had held that heavy secret inside for way too long. I needed support and help with what was going on - it was way too much for me to handle alone. It was killing me.
It wasn't about "telling on" my AH, it was about getting me the support I needed.

At first it was really, really hard to tell them what was going on. But it got easier once the "flood gates" came down. And I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed about. I hadn't done anything wrong. And the support and love and kindness that I received was staggering. I wished I had done it sooner.

I also found out, through talking with friends and family, just how many people's lives I know have been touched by alcoholism. I would have never guessed. So you might find that many people will really understand what you are dealing with. And even if they don't, I think you will find that they will be very sympathetic to your situation...and that they will offer you much kindness and support.

After all newwmnnow, you've done nothing wrong - to the contrary: You have been faced with a terribly tragic situation and you have rallied to protect yourself and your children...and have tried to steer your husband towards help. That is all you can do. And you have done it well.

Janitw

Welcome to SR ! My story mimics the stories already posted but I hung in till the bitter bitter end...22 years and yes he's still at it but with new players in his game. I hid all of it for as long as I could too but then the dam broke and he left us - for good. I am soo sad that that you and the kids are leaving? Is it possible for him to leave and you and the kids stay there? They can adjust better in this way hun.

Just know that like the others have said you have done nothing wrong and only he himself can fix his situation...he has to face his consequences or he will keep doing what he is doing: Nothing changes if nothing changes...

Take care and again welcome here.

Janit

parentrecovers

i've really learned that sometimes the right thing to do is not the easiest. seems simple, but until you experience it a few times in really hard situations....

blessings, i'm proud of you, k