eveningstar

i joined this forum the other day while my fiance was out of town. when she got back, i wanted to sit and talk with her about the things i was learning.
but i got a bit scared. is it better if they know or don't know about our codependency issues, our tactics for dealing with them?

i suppose the answer can be different for anyone. i guess i want to know: if you're still living with your A, do they know about your own recovery? or what happened when you told them?

we have good communication (as long as it doesn't deal with her drinking). i'd hate to leave her out of this.

alison

hope2bhappy

I'm pretty sure everyone here will tell you that "this" is not about her, it's about you. If she is not comfortable talking about her drinking with you, then she won't be comfortable about your recovery, either. When I first joined this group, I told my AH. From that moment on, everytime I got on the computer, he would come in the room and try to read over my shoulder. He got very paranoid and interferred with my being able to post. I didn't want him to read my personal feelings and rants.

It's up to you. I would probably keep it to myself.

ICU

Welcome to SR Eveningstar.

I am no longer with my ex, but he was well aware I was attending AlAnon, and I attened many, many open AA mtgs. with him at his request.

Well, initially, things were going well, he was doing well in AA, he commented on how I've changed. Hmmm...looking back, that should have been my first clue!

Then it took a turn for the worse. To him, AA was a cult, and what I was learning was then used against me. He became resentful of my progress whereas he was once proud. He resumed drinking and from there it went straight into the dumper.

I think if I had to do it over, I would have kept my recovery/learnings to myself, but considering the other problems I was having with him, that was a minor point.

It's a personal decision if you want to share what is learned or not. I'm sure that not every situation has or will turn out like mine.

havehopetoday

The decision is entirely yours...i believe in honesty. you are seeking support. if A becomes resentful/afraid, then maybe it will enlighten her, maybe it will accelerate the end. Key thing is you are seeking support and will have it regardless of A's reaction. We have lived too many years "wondering" how A will react...

HolyQow

I live with AH, and I have not made it a secret. I ordered books that arrived when he was here. I keep this site bookmarked, and my password checked to auto. login. We have separate computers tho, and he is slightly computer challenged....so if he finds it, fine, if he doesn't, fine too.....it doesn't matter to me, it's not about him.

He did get irate about the books (Under the Influence and Codependant no More.) ... but I did notice that UtI has been moved on many occassions. If he read it, fine, if he didn't, fine.... it was for me, not him. And that is what I told him when he went on a rant about the books...

I told him that I was trying to help myself. I was not making it a secret or going to feel guilt about that....I couldn't help adding fuel to that by saying "whether you think you are an alcoholic or not" ... ok ok...that was before I read the book

I have also asked him if he would go to marriage counseling with me. (he declined).

cuttlefish

I live a bit more than 2 hours from my A...so it's sorta easy to not tell him. I feel you should be open in a relationship, but when ours is in such a delicate balance ("one day at a time", oh my), I feel this is MY thing. He is in rehab...I'm not going to require he share with me what his recovery process is like...that's his personal business. And this is mine.

I think you can work on improving yourself, without telling other parties specifically how you are doing so, if you don't feel like it. At the end of the day, everyone else gets the new, more enlightened you anyways

StandingStrong

What I've discovered is that many people (A's included) have the wrong perception of what Alanon is about. And because of that, they normally just don't understand.
While I understand your wanting to be completely honest with your A, please just be prepared in case you get some negative comments about it. It's hard to tell what your A really knows about Alanon.

I know that my A knew that I was on my journey to recovery. He didn't really know what Alanon was about nor did he really ask. But I do recall him asking after we'd seperated if this board and Alanon had anything to do wth my decision.
I have since explained different things that I have learned to him, as well as even admitting that I didn't always do things right (such as when I detached, it wasn't a good example of detaching with love).
I don't know if he really "gets it" or not as we don't discuss it anymore. However, it really doesn't matter if he does or not because as it's already been posted, My recovery is about Me!

Just remember - don't be surprised if you find that she's not happy about you spending time on your recovery with this board or with Alanon, etc.
Hopefully if that does happen, you'll realize that it doesn't matter how she feels about Alanon, because it's for you.

Best wishes to you on your decision and the outcome if you tell her.

eveningstar

thank you for your thoughts on this. i did tell her about the forum. i said it was for friends and family of alcoholics. that stunned her a bit. heh. she was probably thinking it was for one of my issues that she knows about. she said she's glad that i found a place to talk about things.

i will keep a watch out for negative comments, though. and stand my ground.

thank for the support,
alison

eyes wide open

When i first started in Al-anon 4yrs ago, I told my AH that I was going to anger management class's, I guess it was a year or so before it came out it was Al-anon. Of course he thinks we just discuss him, and that i was going to use this in court. After awhile he just accepted it and does not care. He does not want anything to do with the computer, so he does not ask.

mallowcup

She seems willing enough for you to find a way to live with her drinking. This was were my problem came in with my ex. I was going to meetings, church, church meetings, I was reading and finding strength and clarity, I was becoming educated.
I came to believe it was not my fault, I couldnt' stop it but I could live with it. In some ways, I got the impression I was a hero for living with it because, I understood it. I think I became the ultimate enabler because I did not set boundaries.
My ex thought that every meeting I went to was devoted to bashing him as well. In his mind I was betraying him intstead of helping him. What right did I have to go and discuss his issues with strangers?
My entire existance became a constant lesson in living around his drinking and cocaine use while he did nothing but run around without me nagging him about it. My nagging was the only restraint up until then.
Instead of learning to live with his problems, which rapidly became my problem, I eliminated the problem all together. Why was I spending all my time and effort to fight something that was clearly alot more fun than I was.
This is the one thing that I still have the most trouble with, doing things just for fun. I have come to hate suprises because they startle me. If you jump out and yell suprise! I would cry. I wish that would change.