LaTeeDa

Well, I filed for divorce yesterday. I called my soon-to-be ex to let him know. I also let him know that he does not have to respond (and pay the filing fee) if he doesn't want to. Since we have agreed on property/child support/custody, I thought he might want to save himself the $320.

Well, he says maybe we don't agree. Maybe it's not fair that I keep the house. (Never mind that I paid every single mortgage payment since 2001!) He thinks he might deserve part of the equity! I could just scream! But, instead, I remained calm and offered him no child support. I was asking for a measly $300 a month, which is less than half of what the state guidelines are for his income in our situation. Now, I am willing to take nothing in exchange for full ownership of the house. Is that fair? He doesn't think so!

Then, he gets all selfless and says he doesn't want any money for himself, he wants it to go into a special account to pay for college for our kids. WTF??? He is going to mandate me to put money away for college??? He has not put one cent away for this purpose and I fully expect to pay 100% of it! Now he wants to mandate it???? I just wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him!!!!!!!

Today, I am a little more calm, but still very P.O.'d. I have put together calculations showing that letting him off the hook for child support equals more than half the equity in the house. I also itemized a few things including what 80% of all those mortgage payments equals, since he admitted he probably only paid 20% of the family expenses the past 5 years. (That's a generous estimate, too, but I will go with it)

So, my offer is no child support in exchange for the house. If that is not good enough for him, he can see me in court!

L

P.S. My therapist warned me that once they realize they can't have the love, they want the money. UGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

P.P.S. California is a community property state, so he is entitled to half, regardless of how much he contributed.

havehopetoday

Your therapist is a very wise person...remember the A likes to cause chaos and push buttons....anything to take the focus off the alcoholism and try to make you take the focus off of you taking care of yourself. Stay strong

denny57

I'm in California, too LTD, and yes, he's entitled to half - but it is done equitably.

AH and I had a 15 year marriage. We owned 2 businesses together, which I ran and I was responsible for raising the equity for them (millions). I never received a salary, except on paper for tax reasons. So, for those 15 years, I've had no personal income. My attorneys believe they could get me lifetime support. Minimum I'd be entitled to under California law is 7-1/2 years. I have also offered to take the house in lieu of any spousal support (I don't want to spend my years chasing a check). AH's share of the house would be equal to about 3-4 years spousal support. Less if you figure in capital gains I'll pay when I sell it.

Did he accept that offer? Nope. Trial is set for July. Even though the judge last month made it very clear to him how she would rule. He isn't budging. So the attorneys' fees go higher and higher every day.

It's a loss of control issue. It's anger. It's fear. It's the disease and it's nuts. But this, too, shall pass. My only suggestion is one I got a long time ago: manage your attorney. Because you can't manage him or his. I finally had to tell mine that my response to any of their requests is no, so don't bother me with phone calls, letters or pleadings. It's amazing how quickly the costs can rise.

Take care and hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

p.s. another trick AH has gotten very good at - not doing what the court orders. a month ago he was ordered to release money to me. hasn't done it. Next week a warrant goes out on him. never, never underestimate how insane it will get. the kicker for me in all this is, I didn't file for the divorce, he did.

hope2bhappy

I believe that child support is non-negotiable. He must pay it, by law. Wow! This must be SOME house!

LaTeeDa

I so didn't want it to get ugly. I feel I am being more than fair. I suspect his parents have been in his ear. If they only knew what has gone on for the past 5 or 6 years, they would not want to get involved.

The upside is, he has a record of stirring things up and not following through. I wonder if he will even respond to the divorce petition. We shall see.......

L

LaTeeDa

Well, technically yes. But, since I don't have $65,000 laying around to pay him half the equity, and since it is highly unlikely a judge would order the house sold since the kids and I are living in it, there would be a payment plan established. So, he would be paying child support to me, and I would be paying payments on the equity to him. My offer is to call it even.

The house is nothing amazing, although I do love it. Real estate is expensive here!

L

rivercitybelle

My exAH had the attitude (totally unrealistic) that he gets all the assests and I pay for them. They come up with very weird ideas of the law when their codies leave.

prodigal

I know you and AH were living apart but working on a reconciliation. I'm in Arizona (also community property) and I'm beginning to think my near-indigent status may work to my advantage. It seems the more YOU have the more the A attempts to get control of it. Legal fees - just to retain an attorney - are high. I don't even have enough for that, so I'll go to legal aid or sue him for the attorney's fees that I cannot cover.

I don't know the catalyst that brought about the decision to divorce, but I applaud you for the efforts you put into giving your marriage a chance.

elizabeth1979

Yes, I think she was right.

I too wonder if he will, this could be alot of quacking and manipulating you into folding early. He and you agreed on terms correct? Which was why you didnt get an attorney originally right?

Im crossing my fingers that he, as per the usual, doesnt follow through.

Legally, I would imagine so...more fair to him than to you, in all honesty, are you trying to settle for what you can get?

I think Denny is right, fear, anger, and loss of control could be driving his lack of cooperation.
I think you are right on track with setting out the figures and calculations to show him. Has the court ordered a mediation for this or will you be handling that with him alone? I would highly recommend the mediation as opposed to hashing it out with him off the record. You can always ask for one.


Sarah

LaTeeDa

Since I only filed yesterday, nothing has been ordered yet. He hasn't even been served. He has 30 days after being served to respond. If he doesn't, I can ask for a default judgement. So, I think I will wait and see what happens.

I have already had a lengthy phone consultation with a good divorce attorney, so if need be, I will retain him.

Yes, we had agreed before to everything. Now, he's thinking he can get something for nothing. He's acting just like a spoiled child.

L

LaTeeDa

Thanks for that Prod. We did try for about 9 months to make it work, but in the end, it just wasn't going to. We have completely different ideas about what's important in life, plus he was unwilling to commit to the relationship in any meaningful way. I found myself (once again) trying to change him to be who I wanted him to be. We all know how well that works, huh? Just goes to show, even when they sober up, it doesn't always work out.

I do not wish anything bad for him. I hope we can stay friendly for the sake of the children. That doesn't seem to be where he wants to go though, given this latest stunt.

Oh well, I can only control me.

L

HolyQow

Try to imagine his side......here's the house, no child support.....
sounds okay.

Now imagine, three years later.....

You file for child support......

Then what? Nothing stops you from filing for it, and having it adjusted each year.

It may seem spiteful on his part, but if I were him, I would want to protect myself from this situation. Many deals sound good on paper, but they don't factor in alot of other things (like a new spouse or what happens if the kids decide they want to live with dad.....and don't say no, that CANT happen.....it happens every day)

It would be best to get a loan for the new mortgage, and he would have his portion of the house. It would also be best to have an attorney at this point.

BigGirlPanties

Perhaps you should have an attorney negotiate this issue? When I tried to practice law with my ex, I found I had an insane client. Especially since Imnot an attorney.

what Im saying is seek the advice of a pro otherwise you could cause harm to your financial self.

HolyQow

I think the phrase is: The person that tries to represent himself in court, has a fool for a client.

There would be no need (or money) for all of these lawyers if they didn't make it so complicated to understand. Imagine if the common person could figure out what all of these court papers meant......

LaTeeDa

I've tried to put myself in his shoes, I can't seem to imagine having the cajones to ask for half of something that I did not pay for. I realize the law says he is entitled to half, but I just don't think I would feel okay about trying to get something for nothing. All the while I was working to support our family, he was working to support his habit. Now he wants to share in the fruits of my labor. It just makes me ill.

L

LaTeeDa

I plan to send him a short letter stating my position. A spreadsheet will be attached with all the pertinent figures. If he does not agree, I have an attorney already lined up.

L

HolyQow

Community property is divided FAIRLY....this does not mean 50/50

I believe if you have paid the majority (and probably all) of this house, then it will probably be divided accordingly......but please, get a lawyer to help you. You may find out that you can have a better deal, and he will find out that he should have taken the first one.

I also agree with whoever said child support is mandated. He cannot just take a "pass" on this. It will have to be figured out separately.

LaTeeDa

Well, that's interesting because the attorney I consulted with was the one who actually suggested giving up the child support for the equity in the house.

mallowcup

I would never agree to no support. there is no security for my children if I become disabled. Why not let a Judge decide? Your husband is ignoring the grounds for the divorce. Why should it be equitable? How much money was spent on alcohol and all the nonsense that goes with it. How about this concept? The house goes with the kids and men have tp support their kids. How about that? I truly believe a Judge disrespects those who try to wave support. Just my opinion. Are there really states where child support is optional? Why not consider this train of thought? I'm getting custody of the kids, I'm going to fight to keep their home for them, you are going to pay support and if that isn't OK. let's take it to the Judge. The hardships that come with divorce are called consequences.
I could never face my kids to tell them I declined support. arent't hey losing enough?

LaTeeDa

It's optional for me to ask for it. $300 a month is not going to support my kids if I become disabled. The attorney told me that I would either have to buy out his half of the equity, or give up something in return. Child support is one of the things I can choose to give up.

I'm not making any decisions until 1) he responds to my letter and 2)he files a response to the divorce petition. (if he does)