Spitting mad today!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hi,
I live in Calif. Also and just went all through this.
No matter who made any payments you or him all moneys belong to both.
Child support is mandated by the state and is the law.
Now we had no real property so we did not worry about that.
But the judge can order it split no matter what either on of you say.
Spousal support can be ordered after 5 years, it will go for a term of half of the years together to put the earner of less $$ on an equal foot.
If one did not work during the union then they will get it.
I was very lucky; she ignored all the paper work.
I talked to a lot of attorneys and got a lot of different opinions, I finally researched it all on my own and had one help me pro bono.
I live in Calif. Also and just went all through this.
No matter who made any payments you or him all moneys belong to both.
Child support is mandated by the state and is the law.
Now we had no real property so we did not worry about that.
But the judge can order it split no matter what either on of you say.
Spousal support can be ordered after 5 years, it will go for a term of half of the years together to put the earner of less $$ on an equal foot.
If one did not work during the union then they will get it.
I was very lucky; she ignored all the paper work.
I talked to a lot of attorneys and got a lot of different opinions, I finally researched it all on my own and had one help me pro bono.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey LTD,
Check out these books, they saved me a ton of insanity with the _lawyers_ as well as the ex.
http://www.nolo.com/product.cfm/Obje...B/118/246/222/
http://www.nolo.com/product.cfm/Obje...03C92/118/246/
http://www.nolo.com/product.cfm/Obje...6FA5918F3/118/
Mike
Check out these books, they saved me a ton of insanity with the _lawyers_ as well as the ex.
http://www.nolo.com/product.cfm/Obje...B/118/246/222/
http://www.nolo.com/product.cfm/Obje...03C92/118/246/
http://www.nolo.com/product.cfm/Obje...6FA5918F3/118/
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Thank you very much for the links, Mike. I will be studying them hard!
And Mr. C, thank you for explaining California divorce law. That pretty much sums up why I am 'spitting mad.' You see, I am the one who makes the most money in this marriage. (more than twice what he makes) I am the one who has a government job with a pension plan. I am the one who has two separate retirement savings accounts. And I am the one whose name is on the mortgage, as well as the deed to the house. And I accomplished all of this in spite of having a 200lb. dead weight chained to my ankle all these years. If this divorce gets ugly, I am the one who stands to lose the most. I could even end up paying spousal support to him! That is why I want to come to a peaceful, fair resolution, without a big court battle. Because I will get screwed in that scenario. He knows what is fair, he agreed to it, but the law is on his side. If he decides to pursue it, I have a lot more to lose than he does. I will continue to try for a peaceful, mutual agreement. If that is not possible, I will hire a big gun attorney and do what I can. But, if it comes to that, no one will win. Especially the kids.
Wish me luck.
L
And Mr. C, thank you for explaining California divorce law. That pretty much sums up why I am 'spitting mad.' You see, I am the one who makes the most money in this marriage. (more than twice what he makes) I am the one who has a government job with a pension plan. I am the one who has two separate retirement savings accounts. And I am the one whose name is on the mortgage, as well as the deed to the house. And I accomplished all of this in spite of having a 200lb. dead weight chained to my ankle all these years. If this divorce gets ugly, I am the one who stands to lose the most. I could even end up paying spousal support to him! That is why I want to come to a peaceful, fair resolution, without a big court battle. Because I will get screwed in that scenario. He knows what is fair, he agreed to it, but the law is on his side. If he decides to pursue it, I have a lot more to lose than he does. I will continue to try for a peaceful, mutual agreement. If that is not possible, I will hire a big gun attorney and do what I can. But, if it comes to that, no one will win. Especially the kids.
Wish me luck.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Good luck, LTD. I'd like to share another piece of advice I got - an addict will not honor any non legally binding agreement. Even if you work it out between you, try to make sure you're covered there. There was so much AH verbally agreed to at the beginning of this 14 months ago and here I am still waiting for the release of some funds. He has particularly become very unreasonable about the house. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey LTD,
You know, I lost my business, my house, my health, and had to move outta state. All of that hurt. I gained my life, my serenity and a new chance at happiness. Can't pay for that.
My sponsor taught me that whatever I can hold with my hands is not worth holding on to. It's the things I can only hold with my heart that are worth keeping. You're keeping the things you can hold in your heart; you're self esteem, your kids love, your chance for a new happiness. I think in the end you're coming out way ahead.
Mike
You know, I lost my business, my house, my health, and had to move outta state. All of that hurt. I gained my life, my serenity and a new chance at happiness. Can't pay for that.
My sponsor taught me that whatever I can hold with my hands is not worth holding on to. It's the things I can only hold with my heart that are worth keeping. You're keeping the things you can hold in your heart; you're self esteem, your kids love, your chance for a new happiness. I think in the end you're coming out way ahead.
Mike
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I think mine just ignored our divorce because all this other stuff started to happen to her about the same time.
I really think if she did not have this other drama, she might have started some with me.
I really think if she did not have this other drama, she might have started some with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Thanks, Denny. I will make sure any agreement we come to is written up and notarized ASAP.
Mike, I hear what you're saying. And I know no matter what happens, I will be okay. It just ticks me off, you know?
Mr. C, I hope mine stays true to form and does not follow through with anything. I think if it was totally him, he would just ignore it in hopes it would go away. I suspect he has been talking to his parents. I also suspect they will hire an attorney for him if he wants. That's how they are. Their little boy can do no wrong. (probably why he ended up with some of the problems he has)
Thanks all, I'll keep you posted.........
L
Mike, I hear what you're saying. And I know no matter what happens, I will be okay. It just ticks me off, you know?
Mr. C, I hope mine stays true to form and does not follow through with anything. I think if it was totally him, he would just ignore it in hopes it would go away. I suspect he has been talking to his parents. I also suspect they will hire an attorney for him if he wants. That's how they are. Their little boy can do no wrong. (probably why he ended up with some of the problems he has)
Thanks all, I'll keep you posted.........
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
My ex husband did the same thing. We had everything all worked out so I went and filed for a dissolution (which is supposedly what it is called when you get it all figured out on your own). The attorney wrote up the paperwork (to the tune of $900) and I took it to darling hubby to sign. He refused, threw the paper work at me and told me he would see me in court for a divorce (which is super pricey!!) I was pissed! The reason he changed his mind? Because the attorney included the income from his side jobs (that he doesn't claim) on the child support worksheet. Mind you, WE decided on the support amount. It was higher than what the state ordered because he wanted the kids to have it. It had NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS INCOME!!!! he just wanted to be an a$$hole. So after several thousand dollars (that I paid-he did the whole thing without an attorney which is very smart in my opinion. He just said no to every offer and let the judge do what they will all eventually do if you can't come to a decision. The man was brilliant when it came to our divorce. He knew that I would be paying a fortune and he got off with a $150 court cost fee!!!!) that's the way divorce REALLY works. If YOU and your HUSBAND can't come to an agreement the JUDGE will decide. the attorneys will get rich and you will be more pissed off with every day that goes on without any decisions being made. the attorneys WANT this to drag on and on. That's how they make their money. I would suggest once the paperwork is filed you fire your attorney and let the courts decide. will be cheaper for you in the long run! You know your husband isn't going to agree with anything you say (even if he did in the past). He may change his mind. He may not. How much can you afford to spend fighting with him?????
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Oh man! BTDT in every regard. Not only did M make no positive financial contributions at all, she made lots of negative financial contributions during the marriage that I could prove. And she still walked away with a big check from the equity.
It starts off peaceful then friends and family start bending their ears... " I got this deal" I got that deal" You should not settle for..."
The truth is the deal you get is either one both parties agree to or one that is mandated by a Judge, and everyones situation is different, (kids, no kids, assets, liabilities). Sure the state provides guidelines but they're subject to negotiating wiggle room. And even a property settlement agreement incorporated into a final divorce decree signed by a judge is still just a piece or paper. No guarantees that the ex will honor that agreement but you will have something to enforce in court, with more legal fees of course....
I took the noble route at first and tried to come to an agreement, (with an active addict mind you *whacks himself on the head*) then later hired a big name heavy hitter experienced trial lawyer.... just in case it came down to that. In the end M got exactly what the state said she was entitled to, (my original offer and believe me fair had nothing to do with it) and my lawyer got my sons college money I had saved.
If given no other choice, manage your attorney carefully because they are incented to drag it out. Casting legal stones only gets more thrown back at you. I saved lots of fees by doing my own para legal stuff.
Sorry you have to go through this. Good luck.
It starts off peaceful then friends and family start bending their ears... " I got this deal" I got that deal" You should not settle for..."
The truth is the deal you get is either one both parties agree to or one that is mandated by a Judge, and everyones situation is different, (kids, no kids, assets, liabilities). Sure the state provides guidelines but they're subject to negotiating wiggle room. And even a property settlement agreement incorporated into a final divorce decree signed by a judge is still just a piece or paper. No guarantees that the ex will honor that agreement but you will have something to enforce in court, with more legal fees of course....
I took the noble route at first and tried to come to an agreement, (with an active addict mind you *whacks himself on the head*) then later hired a big name heavy hitter experienced trial lawyer.... just in case it came down to that. In the end M got exactly what the state said she was entitled to, (my original offer and believe me fair had nothing to do with it) and my lawyer got my sons college money I had saved.
If given no other choice, manage your attorney carefully because they are incented to drag it out. Casting legal stones only gets more thrown back at you. I saved lots of fees by doing my own para legal stuff.
Sorry you have to go through this. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Let's face it, whatever you don't get is seed for the next woman to build from or it will be left on a bar somewhere. He can't afford child support, but I bet he tips the bartender, he's got money for the juke box and a few rounds for the bar. Nope. No deal. You have a history that serves as clear evidence.
Where did the conclusion come from that says you have to be fair according to his lawyer? That's just dumb.
Here;s how I look at it.
It took every minute of my time and every dime I earned to raise my boys, Why should I consider a formula that leaves enough for him to live comfortably?
Every buck will either be spent on beer or milk.
Where did the conclusion come from that says you have to be fair according to his lawyer? That's just dumb.
Here;s how I look at it.
It took every minute of my time and every dime I earned to raise my boys, Why should I consider a formula that leaves enough for him to live comfortably?
Every buck will either be spent on beer or milk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by mallowcup 
Let's face it, whatever you don't get is seed for the next woman to build from or it will be left on a bar somewhere. He can't afford child support, but I bet he tips the bartender, he's got money for the juke box and a few rounds for the bar. Nope. No deal. You have a history that serves as clear evidence.
Where did the conclusion come from that says you have to be fair according to his lawyer? That's just dumb.
Here;s how I look at it.
It took every minute of my time and every dime I earned to raise my boys, Why should I consider a formula that leaves enough for him to live comfortably?
Every buck will either be spent on beer or milk.
Where did the conclusion come from that says you have to be fair according to his lawyer? That's just dumb.
Here;s how I look at it.
It took every minute of my time and every dime I earned to raise my boys, Why should I consider a formula that leaves enough for him to live comfortably?
Every buck will either be spent on beer or milk.
The facts are that if he decides to be nasty, he will get half of the assets. Since he owns his own business, I will get half of the estimated value of that. So, in the end, he will probably come out a few thousand dollars ahead in the property settlement. But, if he goes that way, I will press for every penny of child support the state will allow, which means he will be paying me at least $600-$700 a month for the next eight years. And then half of that for four more years. I've offered him a very good deal. If he doesn't take it, there is nothing I can do to make him. And I will make sure to get what I can in that situation. Like Denny, I would prefer not to spend the next 12 years chasing him down trying to get a check. I just want to cut the anchor off and go on with my life.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Nolo Press
Hi,
Nolo Press publishes some good books that help people through paralegal stuff. I did my own divorce that way years ago after my ex's attorney wrote a super lame Marriage Settlement Agreement that I couldn't live with. I rewrote it, the way I saw fit, and we worked with that and I only spent a couple of hundred dollars on filing fees and one time when I used a real paralegal. (Of course, that was a millenia ago, and he wasn't an A, "just" a compulsive spender). I have always thought that we've gotten along so well all this time because we're just so happy we didn't have to live together anymore! (Our daughter, now 11, still spends a considerable amount of time with him - it's generally been okay - probably better for him than not having dad in her life. But, again, he's not an A.)
Oh - THEIR debt. I got stuck with thousands and thousands of dollars of what I perceived to be his debt - and I could prove it (because we are in California they gave me half anyway). It was a bum deal but within 2 years I paid it off and moved on. In order to avoid the adversarial weirdness (and because we're both pretty comparable financially) we have not been back to court to get child support readjusted in 9 years. It is a consideration how much it costs, beyond dollars, to have emotional upheaval and even more strain on all these relationships.
Nolo Press - they have stuff on wills and trusts too.
Nolo Press publishes some good books that help people through paralegal stuff. I did my own divorce that way years ago after my ex's attorney wrote a super lame Marriage Settlement Agreement that I couldn't live with. I rewrote it, the way I saw fit, and we worked with that and I only spent a couple of hundred dollars on filing fees and one time when I used a real paralegal. (Of course, that was a millenia ago, and he wasn't an A, "just" a compulsive spender). I have always thought that we've gotten along so well all this time because we're just so happy we didn't have to live together anymore! (Our daughter, now 11, still spends a considerable amount of time with him - it's generally been okay - probably better for him than not having dad in her life. But, again, he's not an A.)
Oh - THEIR debt. I got stuck with thousands and thousands of dollars of what I perceived to be his debt - and I could prove it (because we are in California they gave me half anyway). It was a bum deal but within 2 years I paid it off and moved on. In order to avoid the adversarial weirdness (and because we're both pretty comparable financially) we have not been back to court to get child support readjusted in 9 years. It is a consideration how much it costs, beyond dollars, to have emotional upheaval and even more strain on all these relationships.
Nolo Press - they have stuff on wills and trusts too.
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