stillsearching

Ok..so today I come home from working hot lunch at my daughters school. When I get home I pull along side the mail box to get the mail...I see him walkind down the driveway, I fugure to get the garbarge cans from the end of the driveway as it was garbage pick up today. As I am going to climb over my seat to get the mail, he walks up to drivers side of door and says I will get it. Well, I was already there so I got the mail.

As I am walking in the house he shuts the door in front of me. When I come into the house he says, how did you like that, I shut the door on you!?! I say it doesn't matter to me. Then he starts going on and on about how come I got the mail, I did it on purpose, he was right there on and on and on.

He says he doesn't understand why it's like this. I try to explain once again about his drinking, but it gets turned on me...that I think I am perfect, have all the answers ect ect.

I get so confused when I bring up about his drinking and he looks at me like "what are you talking about"??? When I say about picking my son up from college drunk he goes, well so what, at least I didn't drive back home...I let him drive!!!!! That is how crazy his thinking is......I try not to have these conversations anymore, because they really are just the same thing over and over....but sometimes I hope that if I say it....he might just get it..........duhhhh..on my part....see I don't know everything... I need out!!!!

eyes wide open

I hear you still searching. i get the same response. My AH just left me and my son, of course it is because of me. In one way I am very happy we don't have to put up with his mouth. I just keep praying my HP will help me through this. Do you go to Aln-non? I have it really helps alot. I am going Monday to one with a Alteen for my son.

WantsOut

I had yelled at mine every day for a year about his drinking. When I told him I wanted a divorce he actually said, "You never said a WORD about my drinking!"

(cue Twilight Zone music)
Living with an active alcoholic is like A TRIP INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!

eyes wide open

My AH is denying the whole drinking problem. It is hard for me to understand just how does he think he gets that way? He must alway feel like crap. I think he really thinks we are going to miss him here, I think not.

mallowcup

OMG, I forgot about all that! I flick the light on, he would flick it off. I put something on TV, he'd turn it off, push push push and he'd kick it up a knotch. I'd try to pass through and he'd stand in the doorway and not move, If I was in the bathroom with the door shut, he'd just walk in.
That was the last straw.
I remember being in the bathroom with the door shut and him outside asking, "what are you doing?" (it's a freakin bathroom, what do you think I'm doing?"
It's a pain to deal with but when he's gone, you will enjoy opening the door, closing it, opening it, closing it. open, closed, open , closed open, closed.

eyes wide open

I know there will be a brighter side to this one day. Just hard getting your heart and mind on the same track. This has been coming for a long time. Of course when he came home today to get somethings it was my fault he got a ticket for crashing the red light. It just never ends with always somebody elses fault that caused his discomfort.

embraced2000

thanks for the reminders.....we had the mail thing goin on, too. it was always some sort of secret plot i had. so he said.

mallow....ditto on the bathroom deal. damn, that used to make me so mad.
i'd be taking care of personal issues and he would pick the lock and burst in, and there i would be in all my glory doing my woman thing. it just was so damn inconsiderate and disgusting that he did it.

same with the heat, or a/c, or lights, or tv,there was no end to it all. he was one miserable person, eh?

CatsPajamas

I have heard it said in meetings that the alcoholic will pick fights about silly things in order to take the focus OFF of him and his drinking. Also, I was reminded more than once that their self esteem is at an all time low - they loathe and hate themselves, so they think how could anyone love them? By pushing and insulting and stirring up the pot, so to speak, they create the chaos and conflict and you confirm to them what they already suspect - they aren't worthy of respect or of being loved. (in their minds)

My sponsor reminded me that even though the A in my life was "shooting" at me, I could decide if it was real or just blanks. When I realized she was right, I just heard loud noises and quacking, not real words. It took his power away. I did my best to live a happy and serene life, and ultimately he had to look at his own miserable existence and make changes.

Just my 2 cents here....

Cat

stillsearching

Cat, that makes perfect sense!! Because the whole time he was going off on this ....I thought this is about something else...not me!! It always amazes me how we all have the same type of situations....and yes I SO agree inside I think he is miserable, I just wish he would say it out loud...once again wish full thinking...

denny57

What's with the mail thing? Sometimes I swear I could scream. I found out later AH was paranoid someone was going to write me a letter about his behavior. Like I wasn't on to him already or something. In the end, it's the sickness and that's explanation enough for me.

((()))

Godhelpme

The craziness of it all! I've been there too, a zillion times.

When I lived on my own, I LOVED being able to watch whatever I wanted to on TV (no loud, obnoxious pyche-babbling drunk to drown out the sound). I could CRANK the heat up as high as I wanted (AH doesn't like to turn the furnace on at all, even in WINTER!!). I could keep my place neat and clean -- just the way I like it. No AH to destroy anything around me. It was nice....

I'm looking forward to having that again....Hope the same for you, too.

~ghm

prodigal

As long as you continue to try to figure out the why's of his behavior, you will frustrate yourself and make yourself crazy. Notice I'm talking about YOU, not him. That's because you are allowing him to make you crazy and, believe me, he is loving it! I, too, had kitchen cabinets, doors, lights, ceiling fans, and just about anything you can think of that requires on/off and/or open/close done to me in opposite - whatever I did, he'd come right behind me and do the opposite.

QUIT DISCUSSING HIS DRINKING WITH HIM. PERIOD. REPEAT THIS MANTRA A HUNDRED TIMES DAILY. You are attempting to talk to someone who is crazy from alcoholism. His perspective, his outlook, his mindset, is like nothing you can comprehend. So leave it alone. If you don't, you will end up with an ulcer while he's happily zoned out in laa-laa land on a bottle of whatever he guzzles to get zoned out on.

He's p.o,'d at you because you are an available target. If you were Mother Teresa, he'd accuse you of being a crummy nun. If you were Florence Nightengale, he'd accuse you of being a crummy nurse.

If I even started to explain the downright INSANE crap my AH is pulling on me at this moment in his efforts to destroy me financially, it would defy comprehension. And therein lies the key - it DOES defy comprehension. So I can choose to remain crazy with him or give this up to God.

I left and I'm going to pay a price for leaving, but in the end, when I made the choice to walk, I went with the full knowledge that there would be major challenges to overcome.

He doesn't think he has a problem. Actually, he believes YOU are the problem because you are interfering with his addiction. He will protect his addiction over you or his own children. Once again: QUIT DISCUSSING HIS DRINKING WITH HIM.

Sunflower

One thing I learned was never to ask about the 'drinking'' it is wasted breath and energy and just seems to aggitate them...They are either going to stop drinking or they aren't---you have to make up your mind if this is worth it...Praying for you

stillsearching

Prodigal....thank you for saying that..I needed to hear it...although I have been telling myself this...but not following it very well...thanks for the "push"...

eveningstar

that entire paragraph made so much sense. i am so sick of the blame. i had enough of it from my parents. sheesh.

it feels so good to not the only one. hah.

alison

queenteree

Absolutely right!!! Anything to take the focus off them and their drinking. If I tell my AH the morning after a binge night "ewe, you stink like beer", he'll tell me "you smell like cigarettes", if when he's sober I tell him I don't understand how he can be drunk all night and wake up in the morning and have a beer (because he complains he's feeling like crap), he says "how can you wake up and have a cigarette", if I say "how many more days is this bender going to last?" he says "have another cookie". I mean really, can a cigarette get me a DWI or impair my judgment so I could lose my job, house or possibly kill someone while driving? Can my am cigarette cause me to smoke more and more all day, intoxicating me to the point of making a fool out of myself and losing my job? Do I have to hide my cigarettes for fear of being found out? I am aware of the dangers of second hand smoke so I make sure I don't smoke around non-smokers, don't smoke in my house or in front of my grandkids, etc. I am considerate of others who don't smoke and their health. If I have a cookie at night after dinner, is it affecting anyone but me? I admit I'm addicted to nicotine and I told him as far as I'm concerned, the ONLY SIMILARITY to smoking and drinking is that they are both ADDICTIONS and that means he's an alcoholic. He didn't llike that one too much.

stillsearching

yes...you can certainly see how conversations like this frustrate and make us questions ourselves...which takes it off of them....which is why I can see why it makes no sense to continue them... It use to be when I would try to walk away he would follow..now he just shouts...sure just walk away.......can't win...

Tally

Oh I got the "you think you're so perfect don't you....not everythings my fault you know, you're to blame too"...

But especially the " you think you're perfect" thing....then everything gets twisted around so you're not actually talking about him and his drinking problem anymore, he's talking at you about your flaws....quack quack...

Once I realised that he did indeed turn everything around to blame me, to take the focus off him and put it on to me then I stopped talking with him about his drinking. What's the point...

Prodigal is completely right...just don't do it, you're wasting your breath...doesn't matter what we say...

When I walk away now I get that too..."Oh that's gonna help isn't it..how productive...you just don't listen.."

Nope, I don't listen. i tell him if he wants to speak to me about his problems I'll be more than happy to discuss it when he's sober...Of course he never does want to discuss any of our problems when he's sober...so we just don't discuss it at all now...works for me!

HolyQow

Why do they accuse us of being perfect? I wonder if that is really their perception .... we are perfect because we don't let alcohol control us? Not really concerned what he thinks, I just noticed that was a common occurance. Right after that statement is usually a 100 things about me that are not perfect, to justify himself probably.

I call it the blame game. Blame me for all of it, then drink till you're incoherent. I feel like I am in elementary school sometimes..... well you did this, noh uhn, you did that, no I didnt , yes u did......then AH wants specifics...as if he would remember where/when and what he said.....

I used to ask AH, after one of his outbursts, if that's what he really thinks about me, then why is he here? I'll just leave a ___________________ for his answer..... in case he ever comes up with one.

dobiediva

that was always my answer too. "If you're I'm so horrible and you're so miserable then LEAVE!!" Finally had to ask myself that same question!!! It's PURE INSANITY!