Recovering AH Doesn't "Get it"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Recovering AH Doesn't "Get it"
Haven't been able to post in a few days. Have been participating in Family Week at the treatment facility most of last week. The rest of the week has been spent trying to catch up with things in my own life.
My AH is now going through his intensive outpatient therapy during the week and attending AA the rest of the time (90 meetings in 90 days). He discusses his treatment and recovery pretty openly and even invited me to attend an open AA meeting with him (which I did). This morning, he made a comment which pretty much let me know we'd be going down the treatment path again sometime in the future. He said that, later on after he had been "working the program" for a while, he felt sure he could start drinking again in moderation -- that he felt he could control it. Oh...my...God. Sixteen days of inpatient treatment and education, and this guy hasn't even made it to Step One.
How do I feel? I don't even know. Part of me knew it was too good to be true.
Even though it is against the "rules" for me to focus on or discuss his recovery, I did call his sister and mother to let them know what he had said and that we should expect a relapse sometime in the future (because they had already offered to pay for the second time, if it should ever happen).
I would like for some of the recovering A's on the forum to weigh in on this. With an outlook like that, is there any chance my AH is going to eventually "see the light" just by going to meetings? I'm thinking not.
My AH is now going through his intensive outpatient therapy during the week and attending AA the rest of the time (90 meetings in 90 days). He discusses his treatment and recovery pretty openly and even invited me to attend an open AA meeting with him (which I did). This morning, he made a comment which pretty much let me know we'd be going down the treatment path again sometime in the future. He said that, later on after he had been "working the program" for a while, he felt sure he could start drinking again in moderation -- that he felt he could control it. Oh...my...God. Sixteen days of inpatient treatment and education, and this guy hasn't even made it to Step One.
How do I feel? I don't even know. Part of me knew it was too good to be true.
Even though it is against the "rules" for me to focus on or discuss his recovery, I did call his sister and mother to let them know what he had said and that we should expect a relapse sometime in the future (because they had already offered to pay for the second time, if it should ever happen).
I would like for some of the recovering A's on the forum to weigh in on this. With an outlook like that, is there any chance my AH is going to eventually "see the light" just by going to meetings? I'm thinking not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by hope2bhappy 
Even though it is against the "rules" for me to focus on or discuss his recovery, I did call his sister and mother to let them know what he had said and that we should expect a relapse sometime in the future (because they had already offered to pay for the second time, if it should ever happen).
It's none of my business what day someone is on in their recovery and I have no right to judge whether by day 17 they will "get" it.
I really understand now why I'm told to concentrate on myself.
Are you attending Al-Anon or some other support group for you?
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I begin my family outpatient therapy tomorrow night, two nights a week. I'm looking forward to it, but am afraid two nights a week is all I can devote at this time. I actually had a life before "recovery" and would like to take it back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Good luck to you - I only attend 1 to 2 meetings a week myself and it's all I need to keep me on track. Some people need more at the beginning, I know I did. I've always said, I attend Al-Anon to live, I don't live to attend Al-Anon. :-)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
The 1st step is the most difficult step for both the AH and us codies isn't it! And it's so much harder to focus on my own recovery when my AH is not drinking than when he is. Whenever I catch myself wondering about AH is doing or wondering why he's not doing what I think he should... I come to this site or open the One Day At A Time book to "brainwash" my crazy brain. And it's not always easy to catch myself....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hi there
i know how tough this is. don't you just wish we could get in their brain and rewire it???!!! (my recovering (sort of) AH is in the middle of doing one heck of a rewiring job on my house (read some of my other posts) so that should give me the right to really get in there and do some work right -lol.
yes, you are right, it very well may get worse before it gets better and sometimes it doesn't get better. i am learning that being sober is just the tip of the iceburg. almost like they are completely stripped down to nothing and need to be completely rebuilt after. so i think you set in your mind a time frame and just step back and see what happens. decide for yourself, if this is not better by such and such this is how i am going to handle it.
alanon does help. i only went to one family night because that was all i was ever told about or invited to. i am calling the clinic on that one because i think maybe i got shorted.
take care. by good to yourself. this is a very hard time. it is A BIG adjustment period for you and AH. your learning to live with him without the alcohol and he is learning to live with you without the alcohol. it was so much a part of both lives that you really don't know how to be, feel, or act without it.
my AH has had some relapses now and i have not been one bit surprised because he is no where near were he should be attitude wise-still extremely angry, resentful,and blaming me for every bit of it. we both go to individual counseling. it helps. he was going every every two weeks-the counselor is now making him go once a week because things have gotten a little crazy around here.
yes, you are right, it very well may get worse before it gets better and sometimes it doesn't get better. i am learning that being sober is just the tip of the iceburg. almost like they are completely stripped down to nothing and need to be completely rebuilt after. so i think you set in your mind a time frame and just step back and see what happens. decide for yourself, if this is not better by such and such this is how i am going to handle it.
alanon does help. i only went to one family night because that was all i was ever told about or invited to. i am calling the clinic on that one because i think maybe i got shorted.
take care. by good to yourself. this is a very hard time. it is A BIG adjustment period for you and AH. your learning to live with him without the alcohol and he is learning to live with you without the alcohol. it was so much a part of both lives that you really don't know how to be, feel, or act without it.
my AH has had some relapses now and i have not been one bit surprised because he is no where near were he should be attitude wise-still extremely angry, resentful,and blaming me for every bit of it. we both go to individual counseling. it helps. he was going every every two weeks-the counselor is now making him go once a week because things have gotten a little crazy around here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
