he's been sober since Tuesday a.m.....can i have hope?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Denver, CO
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he's been sober since Tuesday a.m.....can i have hope?
Hi there-
So I posted last week about him wanting to get sober. He truly sounds like he wants to-this seems different than it has before. He has been going to meetings and although they are depressing, he seems to be getting something out of it, and claims to see that he HAS to do this. He says this time is different, that he is doing it for himself because he realizes he will lose everything if he doesn't. He even abstained at work from drinks being shoved in his face....he knows how difficult this will be but claims that he really wants to. I want to believe him-this seems to have nothing to do with me, which I feel is actually really a good situation. I have been trying daily not to worry (I know it has only been 5 days), but not to worry about who I am going to see the next time I see him. He seems really honest and open about wanting to be sober-he says of course he wants to drink but keeps realizing that he is the type of person that cannot. He also says he is starting to like who he is when he is not drinking. I told him I would try not to drink along side with him, but last night I had a glass of wine-I asked him if he would mind and he said of course not, who was he to tell me if I could or couldn't have a drink after work......fair enough. I am not the one with a problem, yet I do enjoy drinking (just not at the same level). For those of you who DO drink, and have dealt with the recovering process of an alcoholic, did you stop drinking? Stop drinking in front of them? Feel a fear of never being able to share a bottle of wine with them again? How do you get over this? And is it possible to believe him that he wants to be sober? I am just going through a lot of emotions right now. Any insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
So I posted last week about him wanting to get sober. He truly sounds like he wants to-this seems different than it has before. He has been going to meetings and although they are depressing, he seems to be getting something out of it, and claims to see that he HAS to do this. He says this time is different, that he is doing it for himself because he realizes he will lose everything if he doesn't. He even abstained at work from drinks being shoved in his face....he knows how difficult this will be but claims that he really wants to. I want to believe him-this seems to have nothing to do with me, which I feel is actually really a good situation. I have been trying daily not to worry (I know it has only been 5 days), but not to worry about who I am going to see the next time I see him. He seems really honest and open about wanting to be sober-he says of course he wants to drink but keeps realizing that he is the type of person that cannot. He also says he is starting to like who he is when he is not drinking. I told him I would try not to drink along side with him, but last night I had a glass of wine-I asked him if he would mind and he said of course not, who was he to tell me if I could or couldn't have a drink after work......fair enough. I am not the one with a problem, yet I do enjoy drinking (just not at the same level). For those of you who DO drink, and have dealt with the recovering process of an alcoholic, did you stop drinking? Stop drinking in front of them? Feel a fear of never being able to share a bottle of wine with them again? How do you get over this? And is it possible to believe him that he wants to be sober? I am just going through a lot of emotions right now. Any insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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Yes, I stopped drinking entirely. I figured if it mattered that I couldn't or shouldn't, I had no buisness having any. That means that I needed it rather than wanting it. If I were on a diet, I wouldn't appreciate someone bringing home a dozen donuts. Just my opinion. If it's no big deal, why bother? I almost defended drinking becaue I didn't have a problem with it. Alcohol has no place in my life or my plans. I hate alcohol.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
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I am diabetic, so I hate when people bring me cookies and candy, if I don't see in reach I don't crave. If I worry about not having something ever again I feel I am addicted, or could be.
How much and how often do you drink wine, or other drinks?
Five days is not very long, depends on his cravings and other withdrawals.
Might do a search on nutrition and try to keep nuts, cold meats and cheese for snacks. We need protein and vitamins.
From talking to others, it takes up to a year to feel normal for many, each person is different.
I agree with WantOut, hope, but no expectations.
How much and how often do you drink wine, or other drinks?
Five days is not very long, depends on his cravings and other withdrawals.
Might do a search on nutrition and try to keep nuts, cold meats and cheese for snacks. We need protein and vitamins.
From talking to others, it takes up to a year to feel normal for many, each person is different.
I agree with WantOut, hope, but no expectations.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 11
i guess because
i do enjoy drinking. I enjoy wine-in fact, it is part of my career. I recognize what you are saying about a diet, however, I am also constantly envious of people that can eat whatever they want (including my boyfriend). I know that if I want to stay in shape, I cannot indulge as much. I know the situations are different, but I have always been a drinker-at times a heavy one-and don't want to give up entirely. He is more important to me than drinking, but he will also be surrounded by drinking his entire life. Since I cannot control whether he does or doesn't drink (and he has done it a lot behind my back as well, so it isn't ONLY my influence, by any stretch), then shouldn't I still be able to? I am just wondering-i wasn't planning on giving it up entirely since it isn't my problem. However, I want to be supportive without changing who I am and what I do completely. This "new" him is nice-it is a better sense of independence because I haven't been quite as worried lately. Just wondering if there were those of you out there who could continue to drink in a healthy way and still maintain a good relationship with a recovering alcoholic.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: the west coast
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I'm also new to this forum and to focusing on myself, but not to the ups and downs of dealing with alcoholics. I'm sure most of us here could tell stories about all the times that were "different" but really weren't. That being said, my personal philosophy is to have hope each and every time they get sober. What can it hurt? If they relapse, at least you didn't spend the sober time doubting them and worrying (there's plenty of time for that when they aren't sober). The bottom line is that you can't do anything to change whether he stays sober or not, and like him, you can only take it one day at a time. Good luck to you!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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I dunno...I've been told and have read that we non-alkies don't have to alter our drinking just because our SO's are A's. But I kinda agree with Mallow...I mean if I can take it or leave it, why not just leave it if it's a temptation or reminder for the A? It's just not that important to me. I think the dozen of donuts analogy is a good one. Maybe just a matter of courtesy.
When I still thought that I was going to stay with my AH I used to wonder sometimes how we'd approach meal times when we're in Europe (where wine with meals is the norm and something that I enjoy a lot)...I decided I was willing to just forgo it...I just wanted to completely remove alcohol from our lives altogether - it's just caused so much damage that, like Mallow, I kinda don't like it that much anymore.
I agree with Wantsout....hope for the best, expect the worst. There ARE success stories out there...I hope yours turns out to be one of them!
When I still thought that I was going to stay with my AH I used to wonder sometimes how we'd approach meal times when we're in Europe (where wine with meals is the norm and something that I enjoy a lot)...I decided I was willing to just forgo it...I just wanted to completely remove alcohol from our lives altogether - it's just caused so much damage that, like Mallow, I kinda don't like it that much anymore.
I agree with Wantsout....hope for the best, expect the worst. There ARE success stories out there...I hope yours turns out to be one of them!
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Here are my thoughts: Take what you want and leave the rest.
For those of you who DO drink, and have dealt with the recovering process of an alcoholic, did you stop drinking? Stop drinking in front of them?
I did stop drinking - but not because of the A in my life. I stopped drinking many years ago because 1) I saw what devastation it caused and I knew that I didn't want to risk becoming addicted and 2) because of my past drinking as well as alcoholism running in my family, it just wasn't worth the risk to me but 3) the main thing was that I didn't crave it, feel the need for it, or anything and I became to detest what it did to people. I didn't want nor need any part of it.
Feel a fear of never being able to share a bottle of wine with them again? How do you get over this?
I never feared that I'd not be able to drink with the A in my life again. I didn't want to drink. I wanted him to stop drinking altogether!!
And is it possible to believe him that he wants to be sober?
Yes, it's possible that he wants to be sober. However, it takes a lot of work, dedication, etc. to stop. It's work - not just a simple desire to want to stop.
i guess because i do enjoy drinking.
So you don't want to stop drinking.
I enjoy wine-in fact, it is part of my career.
Are you a wine tester or something in relation to this? Or do you simply mean that during meetings, entertaining clients, etc that drinking is par for the course?
I know the situations are different, but I have always been a drinker-at times a heavy one-and don't want to give up entirely.
Again, you are saying that you don't want to give up drinking.
He is more important to me than drinking, but he will also be surrounded by drinking his entire life. Since I cannot control whether he does or doesn't drink (and he has done it a lot behind my back as well, so it isn't ONLY my influence, by any stretch), then shouldn't I still be able to?
You can do as you choose to do. While your A has to deal with his own issues, I will tell you that I hated when my A's friends or family would drink in front of him as I knew that it was only making it harder for him. Temptation is very hard to deal with - especially when one is having a weak moment. I know that when people first quit smoking, it is recommended that they stay away from people and places that smoke as it's too easy to give in to that temptation.
And while you may not want to give up the drinking - in my book, it would be a matter of respect to not indulge in something that someone else cannot have.
I am just wondering-i wasn't planning on giving it up entirely since it isn't my problem.
His drinking isn't your problem? I'd venture to say that his drinking has affected you or you'd not be here. And are you sure that you don't have a problem if you are so h*ll bent about giving it up yourself? Just a thought.
However, I want to be supportive without changing who I am and what I do completely.
Am I translating this correctly in thinking that what you are really saying is something like:
However, I want to be supportive (and controlling of my A's drinking) but I'm not willing to change who I am and what I do (such as drinking). I'm simply asking him to do what I want him to do but I'm not willing to compromise what I do!
This "new" him is nice-it is a better sense of independence because I haven't been quite as worried lately.
Hmm...yes, we've all worried about the A in our lives. And it's freeing to not have to worry about someone else. --- Especially when we are in control and getting what we want.
Just wondering if there were those of you out there who could continue to drink in a healthy way and still maintain a good relationship with a recovering alcoholic.
While I don't have personal experience in this, I do know that some couple's are able to do this. However, it takes a lot of dedication, work, respect, boundaries, etc in order to reach that stage. So, yes it is possible.
As has been pointed out to you already by others - it seems that maybe you should be concerned with your own wanting to drink. Seems that you are not willing to give it up for anything (including the A in your life) though you want him to give it up.
5 days truly isn't much time to be basing any major hope on. Yes, it's fine to hope that the A in your life is recovering - but don't hang your life on that hope.
I really think that you show alot of controlling behavior in your post as well as defiance that you should have to give up anything and sacrifice anything in order to keep the A in your life.
Many of discovered that through our own recovery that we had controlling issues as well - it's one of the signs of being codependant.
We've also seen alot of A's justifying their using, thinking they could handle it, etc - and I kind of see that in your own posts.
While I may not have offered you anything you wanted to hear or offered you much of anything - it is my thoughts from my own experience with an active alcoholic.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
For those of you who DO drink, and have dealt with the recovering process of an alcoholic, did you stop drinking? Stop drinking in front of them?
I did stop drinking - but not because of the A in my life. I stopped drinking many years ago because 1) I saw what devastation it caused and I knew that I didn't want to risk becoming addicted and 2) because of my past drinking as well as alcoholism running in my family, it just wasn't worth the risk to me but 3) the main thing was that I didn't crave it, feel the need for it, or anything and I became to detest what it did to people. I didn't want nor need any part of it.
Feel a fear of never being able to share a bottle of wine with them again? How do you get over this?
I never feared that I'd not be able to drink with the A in my life again. I didn't want to drink. I wanted him to stop drinking altogether!!
And is it possible to believe him that he wants to be sober?
Yes, it's possible that he wants to be sober. However, it takes a lot of work, dedication, etc. to stop. It's work - not just a simple desire to want to stop.
i guess because i do enjoy drinking.
So you don't want to stop drinking.
I enjoy wine-in fact, it is part of my career.
Are you a wine tester or something in relation to this? Or do you simply mean that during meetings, entertaining clients, etc that drinking is par for the course?
I know the situations are different, but I have always been a drinker-at times a heavy one-and don't want to give up entirely.
Again, you are saying that you don't want to give up drinking.
He is more important to me than drinking, but he will also be surrounded by drinking his entire life. Since I cannot control whether he does or doesn't drink (and he has done it a lot behind my back as well, so it isn't ONLY my influence, by any stretch), then shouldn't I still be able to?
You can do as you choose to do. While your A has to deal with his own issues, I will tell you that I hated when my A's friends or family would drink in front of him as I knew that it was only making it harder for him. Temptation is very hard to deal with - especially when one is having a weak moment. I know that when people first quit smoking, it is recommended that they stay away from people and places that smoke as it's too easy to give in to that temptation.
And while you may not want to give up the drinking - in my book, it would be a matter of respect to not indulge in something that someone else cannot have.
I am just wondering-i wasn't planning on giving it up entirely since it isn't my problem.
His drinking isn't your problem? I'd venture to say that his drinking has affected you or you'd not be here. And are you sure that you don't have a problem if you are so h*ll bent about giving it up yourself? Just a thought.
However, I want to be supportive without changing who I am and what I do completely.
Am I translating this correctly in thinking that what you are really saying is something like:
However, I want to be supportive (and controlling of my A's drinking) but I'm not willing to change who I am and what I do (such as drinking). I'm simply asking him to do what I want him to do but I'm not willing to compromise what I do!
This "new" him is nice-it is a better sense of independence because I haven't been quite as worried lately.
Hmm...yes, we've all worried about the A in our lives. And it's freeing to not have to worry about someone else. --- Especially when we are in control and getting what we want.
Just wondering if there were those of you out there who could continue to drink in a healthy way and still maintain a good relationship with a recovering alcoholic.
While I don't have personal experience in this, I do know that some couple's are able to do this. However, it takes a lot of dedication, work, respect, boundaries, etc in order to reach that stage. So, yes it is possible.
As has been pointed out to you already by others - it seems that maybe you should be concerned with your own wanting to drink. Seems that you are not willing to give it up for anything (including the A in your life) though you want him to give it up.
5 days truly isn't much time to be basing any major hope on. Yes, it's fine to hope that the A in your life is recovering - but don't hang your life on that hope.
I really think that you show alot of controlling behavior in your post as well as defiance that you should have to give up anything and sacrifice anything in order to keep the A in your life.
Many of discovered that through our own recovery that we had controlling issues as well - it's one of the signs of being codependant.
We've also seen alot of A's justifying their using, thinking they could handle it, etc - and I kind of see that in your own posts.
While I may not have offered you anything you wanted to hear or offered you much of anything - it is my thoughts from my own experience with an active alcoholic.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Originally Posted by mallowcup 
Yes, I stopped drinking entirely...If I were on a diet, I wouldn't appreciate someone bringing home a dozen donuts...Alcohol has no place in my life or my plans. I hate alcohol.
I hope your husband is serious about giving up alcohol this time, but the road to success is bumpy and filled with temptation. Like previously pointed out above, I think it's wise to hope for success but prepare yourself emotionally for the worst.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
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Wantthistowork,
I drink. I drank in front of my ex, I stopped drinking in hopes of helping him too. Your boyfriend says it doesnt bother him correct? Well, ok then.
It makes no difference what you do. Its up to him. If he is an alcoholic, he will drink or not drink regardless of what you do.
This is the second post of yours Ive read about not looking forward to enjoy a bottle of wine with him. Im allergic to peanuts. I cant enjoy peanut brittle, or peanut butter, or certain asian influenced foods with people I love, because Im allergic. I dont expect them to abstain from peanuts bc Im allergic, but I do not want them bringing me foods with peanuts in it.
One of the first few posts I made here at SR had similar thoughts in it. I didnt want to quit because I enjoyed it. I also thought my meetings and entertaining clients required it. They dont. I can sip club soda as easily as a glass of wine. I had to be honest with myself though, as for the reason I didnt want to quit. Can you do some sould searching as to why it is you find it imperative to your life?
Honestly, sobriety is up to him. But certain environments are just not conducive to sobriety for some people.
Obviously, you are going to get different responses here and we all see things a little differently. This is just my opinion, of course.
I drink. I drank in front of my ex, I stopped drinking in hopes of helping him too. Your boyfriend says it doesnt bother him correct? Well, ok then.
It makes no difference what you do. Its up to him. If he is an alcoholic, he will drink or not drink regardless of what you do.
This is the second post of yours Ive read about not looking forward to enjoy a bottle of wine with him. Im allergic to peanuts. I cant enjoy peanut brittle, or peanut butter, or certain asian influenced foods with people I love, because Im allergic. I dont expect them to abstain from peanuts bc Im allergic, but I do not want them bringing me foods with peanuts in it.
One of the first few posts I made here at SR had similar thoughts in it. I didnt want to quit because I enjoyed it. I also thought my meetings and entertaining clients required it. They dont. I can sip club soda as easily as a glass of wine. I had to be honest with myself though, as for the reason I didnt want to quit. Can you do some sould searching as to why it is you find it imperative to your life?
Honestly, sobriety is up to him. But certain environments are just not conducive to sobriety for some people.
Obviously, you are going to get different responses here and we all see things a little differently. This is just my opinion, of course.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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See, you enjoy drinking. My husband also enjoys drinking. True enough, my husband is tall and thin, he can eat eclairs, donuts, ice cream and I envy him for that. He doesnt' have a problem with it at all. Here's the thing, I do.
In the end, those foods are no good either. Moderation? How about let's just support each other and remove temptation. You see, I really like sweets.
I thik it would hurt my feelings if I announced an effort to diet and he brought home a Gallon of Ben and Jerrys. I think it has something to do with him understanding that will power has something to do with my success.
We've had this discussion here before and this is just my take on it but I find it irreverant to pray for my husband sobriety with a drink in my hand.
In the end, those foods are no good either. Moderation? How about let's just support each other and remove temptation. You see, I really like sweets.
I thik it would hurt my feelings if I announced an effort to diet and he brought home a Gallon of Ben and Jerrys. I think it has something to do with him understanding that will power has something to do with my success.
We've had this discussion here before and this is just my take on it but I find it irreverant to pray for my husband sobriety with a drink in my hand.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I like wine. I drink it. I enjoy it. If my doctor told me tomorrow I had to give it up or die, I'd give it up and never look back.
Same for chocolate and donuts and everything else that's been mentioned. If I like it, I eat it or I drink it. I don't over indulge, though I did when I lived with alcoholism.
My doctor has only ever told me I needed to do something about one thing: living with alcoholism. He said it was killing me. So I removed it from my life. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, so I understand everyone's struggle to change, addict or not.
Life is short and I intend to enjoy whatever time I have left.
((()))
Same for chocolate and donuts and everything else that's been mentioned. If I like it, I eat it or I drink it. I don't over indulge, though I did when I lived with alcoholism.
My doctor has only ever told me I needed to do something about one thing: living with alcoholism. He said it was killing me. So I removed it from my life. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, so I understand everyone's struggle to change, addict or not.
Life is short and I intend to enjoy whatever time I have left.
((()))
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My A had various attempts at quitting, cutting down, now he's 7 days sober in a rehab program. I have some of the same thoughts as you on this.
I do like to drink, in moderation, and I love tasting wines and beers....but more important to me is my A. I _never_ drink in front or around him, out of respect. I never call him the rare time I'm too gone, because I hated to hear from him when he was drunk. What I really missed was not "never being able to share a bottle of wine"...but the closeness that drinking was _substituting_ for. I can catch-up with a girlfriend over a glass of wine, but the level that my A had reached, that was another territory....alcohol simply had to leave the equation between us forever.
And frankly, I've been up and down so much the past year, I really don't need to start up my own endless bottle cure
Just a personal observation: I met my A in college...he tried a few times to sober up, while living in a house full of party guys. He's a few days sober, they're drinking, partying, bottles around all the time. Well, wasn't hard for him to pick up where he left off.
I do like to drink, in moderation, and I love tasting wines and beers....but more important to me is my A. I _never_ drink in front or around him, out of respect. I never call him the rare time I'm too gone, because I hated to hear from him when he was drunk. What I really missed was not "never being able to share a bottle of wine"...but the closeness that drinking was _substituting_ for. I can catch-up with a girlfriend over a glass of wine, but the level that my A had reached, that was another territory....alcohol simply had to leave the equation between us forever.
And frankly, I've been up and down so much the past year, I really don't need to start up my own endless bottle cure
Just a personal observation: I met my A in college...he tried a few times to sober up, while living in a house full of party guys. He's a few days sober, they're drinking, partying, bottles around all the time. Well, wasn't hard for him to pick up where he left off.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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You memtioned that you have always been a "drinker" and at times a "heavy" one and now you are involved with an alcoholic. JMO, but I think you should take a look at your approach to drinking. After all, you are asking whether or not you should drink in front of someone who is struggling with an addiction.
You are certainly not responsible for him getting sober, but I have this gut feeling about your concern about YOUR drinking around him. See, this is a concern about your intake. What you do or don't do will not have any outcome on whether or not he remains sober. However, it can be helpful to abstain around him for the time being. He won't see it so he won't crave it quite as much. Maybe. I'm am speculating from my own experience.
So, can you take it or leave it? Do you think about controlling the amount you drink on a daily or weekly basis? Do you have a glass of wine now and then and not think about it one way or another? I'm interested in your approach and attitude towards drinking. Why? Because your approach is raising red flags for me, personally.
You are certainly not responsible for him getting sober, but I have this gut feeling about your concern about YOUR drinking around him. See, this is a concern about your intake. What you do or don't do will not have any outcome on whether or not he remains sober. However, it can be helpful to abstain around him for the time being. He won't see it so he won't crave it quite as much. Maybe. I'm am speculating from my own experience.
So, can you take it or leave it? Do you think about controlling the amount you drink on a daily or weekly basis? Do you have a glass of wine now and then and not think about it one way or another? I'm interested in your approach and attitude towards drinking. Why? Because your approach is raising red flags for me, personally.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
we have no alcohol in the house when my daughter visits and we don't get wine or beer when we're out to dinner with her. it is still part of family get togethers, but only in moderation. it's just a way to support her in her sobriety. but i don't think it makes that much difference as far as her STAYING sober - that's up to her, and the temptations are everywhere.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Hi wantingthistowork, I have to agree with standing strong. Expecially the quotes I used.
Hi standingstrong, thats exactly what my S/O said and felt.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and I would make no demands on her to stop, she did that on her own..I have to say it has made it alittle easier not seeing her drinking or having alcohol in the house though.
..
Best wishes:
Hi standingstrong, thats exactly what my S/O said and felt.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and I would make no demands on her to stop, she did that on her own..I have to say it has made it alittle easier not seeing her drinking or having alcohol in the house though.
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Here are my thoughts: Take what you want and leave the rest.
For those of you who DO drink, and have dealt with the recovering process of an alcoholic, did you stop drinking? Stop drinking in front of them?
I did stop drinking - but not because of the A in my life. I stopped drinking many years ago because 1) I saw what devastation it caused and I knew that I didn't want to risk becoming addicted and 2) because of my past drinking as well as alcoholism running in my family, it just wasn't worth the risk to me but 3) the main thing was that I didn't crave it, feel the need for it, or anything and I became to detest what it did to people. I didn't want nor need any part of it.standingstrong
For those of you who DO drink, and have dealt with the recovering process of an alcoholic, did you stop drinking? Stop drinking in front of them?
I did stop drinking - but not because of the A in my life. I stopped drinking many years ago because 1) I saw what devastation it caused and I knew that I didn't want to risk becoming addicted and 2) because of my past drinking as well as alcoholism running in my family, it just wasn't worth the risk to me but 3) the main thing was that I didn't crave it, feel the need for it, or anything and I became to detest what it did to people. I didn't want nor need any part of it.standingstrong
Best wishes:
Last edited by DesertEyes; 02-19-2007 at 09:01 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 11
ok, i guess i am insane
according to all the posts here. yes, wine tasting is actually part of my job, truth be told. i am losing it completely. I do not think i am controlling-that is the last thing anyone has ever said to me. I am an open and kind and caring person. I want more than anything to have a strong and healthy relationship with my boyfriend. We talk about this all the time-probably too much but somehow everything relates back to it. I accused him of drinking yesterday because of something that raised my suspicions-i am still not sure if I was right or wrong-but he was furious with me for not believing him when I am the one who is supposed to be the most supportive. Yet he has burned me so many times in the past. But he says this time he is really, really trying. Anyway, I adore him. I am at a complete loss and came here for support because there is nobody else to talk to about this. He says he wants us to work-and trust me, we really ARE good together-but everything I read contradicts it. I cannot afford a good therapist right now, and just don't know what to do. Alanon meetings seem weird-people just talk about their daily lives and nothing about what is really going on (IMO), hold hands and pray. Didn't really work for me, not saying I won't try again but I was pretty disappointed. How do you not accuse him of doing something you are suspicous of? How do you not live in fear that you are getting lied to? Nothing to do with being controlling, just about having an open and honest and trusting relationship. How do you move past?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hi Wantthistowork. Glad to hear from you
It is so confusing when you are in love with an alcoholic. Absolutely, mind-boggling, down-right crazy-making most of the time. You are not alone
I can relate to your experience to thinking your A drank, and then having him deny it. But I've busted him so many times, that I just can't trust him anymore...not until he's proved himself to be sober for many many months...maybe years. It's a sad thing...but they did it to themselves. What do they expect? And you know what, he very well may be hiding the fact that he is sneaking drinks. That's the way drunks operate. It doesn't have to do with being good people or not, it just has to do with being addicts and all that goes along with that sickness.
When my AH would get furious with me for not believing him...I'd sometimes feel bad...and sometimes I'd apologize...then I started thinking, welll what if the tables were turned? Would I get mad??? Nope, I'd understand and work hard to earn the trust back. But you see they are not thinking like normal people. They are insane (in the membrane...as the song goes. So the anger at our suspicions is yet another predictable pattern of the dance.
Isn't it terrible to love someone and then turns out that they're an alcoholic? We get what you're going through sweetie.
And I know what you mean about "being really good together"...I feel like that too about my AH. But I have to decide if that is enough for me. I have to decide if I want to go back to living with an alcoholic and deal with all that comes with that for the rest of my life. I don't want to live in fear that I am getting lied to! And, to be honest, I don't think I can trust him again.
Alcoholism/addiction is heartbreaking.
I am glad you found SR!
Please keep posting...you have lots to say, and I hope to get to know you more.
It is so confusing when you are in love with an alcoholic. Absolutely, mind-boggling, down-right crazy-making most of the time. You are not alone
I can relate to your experience to thinking your A drank, and then having him deny it. But I've busted him so many times, that I just can't trust him anymore...not until he's proved himself to be sober for many many months...maybe years. It's a sad thing...but they did it to themselves. What do they expect? And you know what, he very well may be hiding the fact that he is sneaking drinks. That's the way drunks operate. It doesn't have to do with being good people or not, it just has to do with being addicts and all that goes along with that sickness.
When my AH would get furious with me for not believing him...I'd sometimes feel bad...and sometimes I'd apologize...then I started thinking, welll what if the tables were turned? Would I get mad??? Nope, I'd understand and work hard to earn the trust back. But you see they are not thinking like normal people. They are insane (in the membrane...as the song goes
. So the anger at our suspicions is yet another predictable pattern of the dance. Isn't it terrible to love someone and then turns out that they're an alcoholic? We get what you're going through sweetie.
And I know what you mean about "being really good together"...I feel like that too about my AH. But I have to decide if that is enough for me. I have to decide if I want to go back to living with an alcoholic and deal with all that comes with that for the rest of my life. I don't want to live in fear that I am getting lied to! And, to be honest, I don't think I can trust him again.
Alcoholism/addiction is heartbreaking.
I am glad you found SR!
Please keep posting...you have lots to say, and I hope to get to know you more.
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