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Kids saw their dad today and I'm drained

Old 02-17-2007, 07:56 PM
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Kids saw their dad today and I'm drained

XAH didn't cancel this time, and like the first visit, brought loads of presents (toys) again. *sigh* No special occasion this time - unless Valentine's Day counts.

The workers at the access centre are supposed to be close by at all times to make sure XAH doesn't have inappropriate conversations with the kids. However, our 10-year-old daughter told me that he was saying things like, "Why did your mother put me in jail?" (I didn't) "I almost died in there." (Must have been from the withdrawal)..... and "I bet your mother is really happy with all this."

Poor girl! She told him that I never wanted any of this to happen, that I didn't call the police, and that I wasn't happy at all - I was actually sad. ARGH!! She shouldn't have to deal with these things when she visits her dad. I think he forgets that she's only 10. I asked her if those questions made her feel uncomfortable, and of course, she said yes. He also told her that he is almost broke from paying two lawyers....and a lot of other nonsense that is not worth repeating here.

Apart from feeling sad for our daughter, I'm stunned that he would think I'm "happy" all this crap has happened. He has known me for 14 years, yet he doesn't know me at all. It makes me realize that our marriage was a joke. For example, in his affidavit, he stated that I'd have to pay for any damage to the house....as if I'd trash the place before I moved out. No...he doesn't know me at all. He always said my eyes were brown - and they're BLUE. 14 years?!

Anyway...I'm sitting here feeling drained...and crying a bit. This sucks. I hope this doesn't happen at every visit.
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Old 02-17-2007, 08:19 PM
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Hey there (((Dolorosa))). Wow - what an intense day.
Do you have anytime to do something nice for yourself? A hot bath? A brisk walk around the block? Chocolate? After a day like that, you deserve a treat.
hugs to you.
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Old 02-17-2007, 08:26 PM
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Thanks Newenglandgirl. My daughter and I watched a movie together, cuddled, drank hot chocolate and ate popcorn. Then we snuggled up in bed for a while. She kept telling me how much she loves me -- poor thing. It must have been so hard for her.
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Old 02-18-2007, 05:12 AM
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is your daughter old enough for alateen?
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Old 02-18-2007, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by parentrecovers View Post
is your daughter old enough for alateen?
Probably not - she's 10.
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Old 02-18-2007, 11:48 AM
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The workers at the access centre are supposed to be close by at all times to make sure XAH doesn't have inappropriate conversations with the kids.
I'd recommend contacting a supervisor at the access centre. This broke the rules - on your A's part as well as the supervision the centre is to provide.

As for your A not really knowing who you are - I can totally relate to that too. I have found for me that through all of the harsh name calling, the blame game, etc - the thing that always hurt me was the worst was when XAH would say things that essentially were slamming on my character. My character being "who I am". I don't know if my XAH really did know me or not, if he just uses that crap in slamming on me as a tool for his manipulation and guilt playing - and really I don't care anymore. But it took me awhile before I got to where I didn't care. It hurt so bad. Believe me, I understand.

Please remember that your recovery is about you. Don't let him keep getting to you (I know, easier said than done) but you know the truth of who you are so don't let him take that from you. Keep on recovering girl - it's all about YOU!

Sending you tons of hugs and lending my shoulder to catch your tears....
but sweetie, he's just not worth them!
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Old 02-18-2007, 04:04 PM
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I've been thinking about contacting the supervisor - but I really don't want XAH in more trouble. And I want him to sign those sole custody papers this week! If he does it again, I'll have to talk to them about it.

Sending you tons of hugs and lending my shoulder to catch your tears....but sweetie, he's just not worth them!
Thanks so much, StandingStrong!
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Old 02-19-2007, 03:02 PM
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I called my counsellor today and she told me to call the access centre and tell them what happened. I emailed them and said I don't want XAH to get into trouble, but I would appreciate it if they'd supervise a bit better.

My counsellor also suggested that I bring my daughter along for counselling this week - which I agreed to. We're going to do some role playing so that she knows how to respond to her dad when he starts talking like that.

Thanks for listening! You guys are great!
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