Can they change overnight??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Can they change overnight??
So my AH's been calling and leaving voicemails...nothing new, except for that he sounds totally sober - and claims to have quit drinking last Monday (5 days ago).
It's like I'm hearing his voice for the first time in years. It's been so long since I've heard him sober...he sounds like a different person...someone I used to know a long time ago.
So I called him back tonight. I was compelled to. I don't have a good reason why. Except that my heart still is in love. And I don't have a good reason for that one either. It just felt right to me. Not calling him felt like I was avoiding him. And, in a way I was...I knew it was going to be much harder to go through with divorcing him if he got sober.
So we talked for awhile. He told me that he finally just quit. And he was able to do it. And that he doesn't miss it. And that he will never drink again ever. And all the things that I ever wanted he's going to give them to me (not material things...but things like a family etc). He now realizes what a fool he was. He never meant for it to get that out of control. But now he is back.
He wanted to come over right away to spend the night. I told him that was not possible. That I need time to think...that this is very quick...and I am not sure what to think. I told him that we can talk at the end of next week. He sounded frustrated. He kept telling me how important I am to him...that he needs me...that we can have the life we always wanted together.
WTF is going on? I am so confused. I don't know what to make of this. I've spent the last month trying to get over him...trying to detach...and now he's hooking me back in with being healthy! I think my brain's gonna explode.
It's like I'm hearing his voice for the first time in years. It's been so long since I've heard him sober...he sounds like a different person...someone I used to know a long time ago.
So I called him back tonight. I was compelled to. I don't have a good reason why. Except that my heart still is in love. And I don't have a good reason for that one either. It just felt right to me. Not calling him felt like I was avoiding him. And, in a way I was...I knew it was going to be much harder to go through with divorcing him if he got sober.
So we talked for awhile. He told me that he finally just quit. And he was able to do it. And that he doesn't miss it. And that he will never drink again ever. And all the things that I ever wanted he's going to give them to me (not material things...but things like a family etc). He now realizes what a fool he was. He never meant for it to get that out of control. But now he is back.
He wanted to come over right away to spend the night. I told him that was not possible. That I need time to think...that this is very quick...and I am not sure what to think. I told him that we can talk at the end of next week. He sounded frustrated. He kept telling me how important I am to him...that he needs me...that we can have the life we always wanted together.
WTF is going on? I am so confused. I don't know what to make of this. I've spent the last month trying to get over him...trying to detach...and now he's hooking me back in with being healthy! I think my brain's gonna explode.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
He wants to come over to your house and have sex with you. Of course he sounds frustrated - he is not getting what he wants. Does this sound like a reasonable, emotionally healthy guy??? He is not respecting your wishes, he is trying to snow you into believing he is perfectly fined and "cured." It's called blowing smoke up your wazoo.
Is he going to AA? Is he seeking out an addictions counselor? Please, please, please don't think I'm being blunt to hurt you. I've heard the exact same words. My AH spent 9 months in Kosovo and 9 months in Iraq. "Nope. I never had the urge to drink." Well, duh ... there was NO liquor available in those countries!!! However, he was sucking down booze as soon as he could get it.
No, they do NOT change overnight. Period. Take care of yourself first. If he is serious, he'll be in AA, get a sponsor, and work a program. THEN both of you will be able to decide whether or not he should come home. Love him, but please, for your own sake, love him (for the time being) at a distance.
Is he going to AA? Is he seeking out an addictions counselor? Please, please, please don't think I'm being blunt to hurt you. I've heard the exact same words. My AH spent 9 months in Kosovo and 9 months in Iraq. "Nope. I never had the urge to drink." Well, duh ... there was NO liquor available in those countries!!! However, he was sucking down booze as soon as he could get it.
No, they do NOT change overnight. Period. Take care of yourself first. If he is serious, he'll be in AA, get a sponsor, and work a program. THEN both of you will be able to decide whether or not he should come home. Love him, but please, for your own sake, love him (for the time being) at a distance.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
you wrote:
"I told him that we can talk at the end of next week. He sounded frustrated"
I am an alcoholic. In answer to your question, can they change overnight?:
NO
Being sober is a long long process of growth, emotional as well as spiritual. He has (maybe) taken 1 step. I dont even know if he has taken Step 1, though, which is to admit he is alcoholic and that his life is unmanageable and that he is powerless over alcohol.
For someone to have stopped drinking for 5 days, tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear, expect/insist on getting what he desires in return for this, and become frustrated when he doesnt is still behaving like a drunk.
We drunks are all selfish and selfcentered. we will do and say ANYTHING to get our way.
Sobriety is not the same as being dry and manipulative. Sobriety will take a year minimum for you to know that he is sincere in his desire to grow along spiritual lines and to stay sober.
Does he have a plan of action to stay stopped?
If not, he will likely tell you that, since he was able to quit, he really doesnt have a drinking problem, and will now be a moderate drinker. In about 3 weeks to a month.
"I told him that we can talk at the end of next week. He sounded frustrated"
I am an alcoholic. In answer to your question, can they change overnight?:
NO
Being sober is a long long process of growth, emotional as well as spiritual. He has (maybe) taken 1 step. I dont even know if he has taken Step 1, though, which is to admit he is alcoholic and that his life is unmanageable and that he is powerless over alcohol.
For someone to have stopped drinking for 5 days, tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear, expect/insist on getting what he desires in return for this, and become frustrated when he doesnt is still behaving like a drunk.
We drunks are all selfish and selfcentered. we will do and say ANYTHING to get our way.
Sobriety is not the same as being dry and manipulative. Sobriety will take a year minimum for you to know that he is sincere in his desire to grow along spiritual lines and to stay sober.
Does he have a plan of action to stay stopped?
If not, he will likely tell you that, since he was able to quit, he really doesnt have a drinking problem, and will now be a moderate drinker. In about 3 weeks to a month.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
NEG, mine did the same stuff. When I first said I wanted a divorce he said he was going to be sober "from now on" to save the marriage. That lasted three weeks. Then he got angry that I didn't just fold so he locked himself in his office and drank from Friday night until late Sunday night. He only came out to pee and get more beer. I knocked on the door a couple of times which just elicited an angry "go'way" but at least I knew he was still alive in there.
In the interum I have at various points been convinced that maybe it was really over - maybe he was sober. He even offered to let me watch him take antabuse every morning so I could be sure he wasn't drinking. Now that sounds like a cozy relationship, doesn't it?
Just days after swearing he wasn't drinking and making the antabuse proposal he got arrested for this DWI.
In conclusion, the translation of everything your AH said is:
Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack
In the interum I have at various points been convinced that maybe it was really over - maybe he was sober. He even offered to let me watch him take antabuse every morning so I could be sure he wasn't drinking. Now that sounds like a cozy relationship, doesn't it?
Just days after swearing he wasn't drinking and making the antabuse proposal he got arrested for this DWI.
In conclusion, the translation of everything your AH said is:
Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ohio
Posts: 148
The guy that is a great friend of mine who I am likeing right now is 20 or 21 months sober and he still struggles with it. He hasn't in the last month, but some things do set him off. So no, they never completely change and get "better".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
My AH was terribly good at well, basically.. lying.
He could sound sober and be drunk - he's done this for a long time - he's fooled alot of people not just me.
Just this week I thought he sounded pretty good, and even looked pretty good when we went over on Tuesday.
But he was still his same old addictive self.
I'm sure every room was full of beer (empty or full) but I have no desire to even look.
And even though I thought he sounded good - he was bad enough to check in to detox today.
A few months ago he had his mom call the cops on me - reported me not taking care of the kids, not feeding them and the house was a mess (I'll admit to the last one). The sheriff told me it was my AH & his mom on the phone. Later that day AH called and almost had me thinking it was his mom and her boyfriend that called, not my AH. It wasn't for a few days later that my AH admitted to calling the cops on me, to get back at me for calling the cops on him when he drove drunk with no license or insurance.
My mom-in-law just told me today it was him who told her to call. I told her I knew all along.
My AH even called one day and said, "I suppose having sex is out of the question?". LOL that's a given. AH is always calling 'when can I come home, I need you & the kids.' All he needs is to be sober.
Love would wait.
Addiction won't.
He could sound sober and be drunk - he's done this for a long time - he's fooled alot of people not just me.
Just this week I thought he sounded pretty good, and even looked pretty good when we went over on Tuesday.
But he was still his same old addictive self.
I'm sure every room was full of beer (empty or full) but I have no desire to even look.
And even though I thought he sounded good - he was bad enough to check in to detox today.
A few months ago he had his mom call the cops on me - reported me not taking care of the kids, not feeding them and the house was a mess (I'll admit to the last one). The sheriff told me it was my AH & his mom on the phone. Later that day AH called and almost had me thinking it was his mom and her boyfriend that called, not my AH. It wasn't for a few days later that my AH admitted to calling the cops on me, to get back at me for calling the cops on him when he drove drunk with no license or insurance.
My mom-in-law just told me today it was him who told her to call. I told her I knew all along.
My AH even called one day and said, "I suppose having sex is out of the question?". LOL that's a given. AH is always calling 'when can I come home, I need you & the kids.' All he needs is to be sober.
Love would wait.
Addiction won't.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Oh no -- that must have been so hard! And then of course you start doubting yourself. (((Hugs)))
Ugh! My XAH was only kind to me and told me he loved me when he wanted sex. Then of course he'd turn into a monster when I'd refuse.
He wanted to come over right away to spend the night.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
NEG ask yourself this question: Is 5 days enough to undo all of the pain he caused you over the last few years? Because if you take him back now that's most likely all you will get. Give it time. You've got nothing to lose by waiting to see how serious he really is. You already know all of this 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Yes - it was hard. And you are right...I started doubting my decision...caught myself thinking that I've been too harsh...That maybe I'd overreacted. Thank God for all the support here (and my sweet mother, who is staying with me to keep me company and give me support)...what a mind f*ck this all is...
Sex is COMPLETELY out of the question right now. So he's definitely barking up the wrong tree if that is what he is thinking. He's a guy, so I'm sure it's on his mind...(no offense guys!)
Sex is COMPLETELY out of the question right now. So he's definitely barking up the wrong tree if that is what he is thinking. He's a guy, so I'm sure it's on his mind...(no offense guys!)
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
Can they change overnight?
I've been reading posts for a while now and never write back. I still don't know what to write. My AH is in prison again. I have heard every story that he will quit. He does sometimes for a while but then one or two beers turns back into 10 or 20. This time his DUI has sent him off again. This is the third DUI on his record. I think it is the 5th or 6th all together. I was 16 when I met him and now I am 32. I am still waiting for him to quit. He says he is never going to drink again. I just want to yell at him, "of course your not!!! You're in jail!!!" I am so mad!! He has been everything to me. Everything good and everthing bad. He has done everything bad to me as a woman that a man can do except rape me. But I've feared that before. The last year has been the worst because when we broke up the year prior I dated someone else. Now I am the worst person in the world and he never lets me forget that I was with someone else. Even though he cheated on me twice and even went and married the first one and had a baby with her. Now he has 3 kids and can't afford to have anymore so I don't get any. And I ask myself. What is it that makes me not let go. I don't feel anything anymore. I do love the good in him. I get to see that when he is sober. I get to enjoy his smile and sense of humor, his advice, his silly stories, his "I Love you's", his intelligence and most of all his friendship and understanding that I shoudl have with someone I have known this long. I have told him this and he cries about it. He just won't get help though. He did tell me now that he is in jail again that he finally will admit that alcohol is the only variable in his life that makes it bad. He's never admitted that before. He has always claimed that it was someone or something else's fault that he got in trouble. Usually it was the cops fault for pulling him over. If the cop hadn't done that he wouldn't have gone to jail. Funny huh? Most of the time it was my fault or his sx-wife.
Anyway, I think that him and I have been together so long, half my life, I just want to see him happy. I know I can't make him happy but I love being able to get along with him. When he lets us get along we both feel better but we can't seem to stay just friends then it all turns to crap again. I know him being in jail is my opportunity to gain back my self worth and self esteem and reteach myself what my boundaries are and that I don't deserve to be verbally or physically beaten. So that is why I am finally writing today. All the feed back I can get is welcome. I need people that understand. I have so much to share that I can't talk to anyone else about anymore. I enjoy the anonymity of this as I live in a smaller area that makes it difficult to keep anything private. I don't enjoy bashing him. That is not what I am about. I just need some understanding. I hope to hear back from some of you. Thank you!!! P.S. This kind of turned into all about me but Can they change overnight? After 16 years, I'd have to say no.
Anyway, I think that him and I have been together so long, half my life, I just want to see him happy. I know I can't make him happy but I love being able to get along with him. When he lets us get along we both feel better but we can't seem to stay just friends then it all turns to crap again. I know him being in jail is my opportunity to gain back my self worth and self esteem and reteach myself what my boundaries are and that I don't deserve to be verbally or physically beaten. So that is why I am finally writing today. All the feed back I can get is welcome. I need people that understand. I have so much to share that I can't talk to anyone else about anymore. I enjoy the anonymity of this as I live in a smaller area that makes it difficult to keep anything private. I don't enjoy bashing him. That is not what I am about. I just need some understanding. I hope to hear back from some of you. Thank you!!! P.S. This kind of turned into all about me but Can they change overnight? After 16 years, I'd have to say no.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Yup, what everyone has said so far is right on! Mine did the same thing when I moved out. Promises for us, promises that he'd seen the light, and so on. I'd seen enough faulty promises before I'd moved out that I had figured I'd better watch him from afar. It didn't take long.
Someone once told me that I would know that he was serious about quitting and recovery when he really was serious about quitting and recovery.
Someone once told me that I would know that he was serious about quitting and recovery when he really was serious about quitting and recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Wecome to SR Bjen
I am sure that many people will be around soon or tomorrow morning to respond to your post. I think you will probably get more responses if you start a new thread...so copy and paste your post and start a new one.
I am looking foward to hearing more about you. Obviously, you have gone through a lot...you have come to the right place to get support and to learn lots.
I am sure that many people will be around soon or tomorrow morning to respond to your post. I think you will probably get more responses if you start a new thread...so copy and paste your post and start a new one.
I am looking foward to hearing more about you. Obviously, you have gone through a lot...you have come to the right place to get support and to learn lots.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
Welcome Bjen.
Keep coming back, you've taken a great first step.
Although I've only started coming here over the last month. When I have a problem or question everyone is such a great sounding board.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but after a bit of thinking, it kinda sinks in. Others have been in our shoes before - and try to help us avoid the same mistakes sometimes.
Keep coming back, you've taken a great first step.
Although I've only started coming here over the last month. When I have a problem or question everyone is such a great sounding board.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but after a bit of thinking, it kinda sinks in. Others have been in our shoes before - and try to help us avoid the same mistakes sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
...what a mind f*ck this all is...
and ditto to everyone else's experiences.....J stayed dry maybe 25 days? Was telling me he was going to his meetings. But last week when I was at the house I saw the close to empty whiskey bottle, and he's isolating again.
My counselor has told me, there is no way a marriage can be worked on if the addiction is not dealt with. Deal with the addiction first, and then worry about the relationship second. Otherwise, the addiction will continue to rear its ugly head.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Bjen, Welcome to SR, glad you found us, why don't you start a new thread and get replys special for you.
You are not alone, we all have a terrible time trying to leave. Understandable. Caring Hugs Again Welcome!
NEG, Let me add, you received excellent reply's, it hurts, but that is the way it is. Lv
You are not alone, we all have a terrible time trying to leave. Understandable. Caring Hugs Again Welcome!
NEG, Let me add, you received excellent reply's, it hurts, but that is the way it is. Lv
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Oh, they know just what to say to get what they want, don't they?
Mine keeps telling me that when I move back in things will be different, whatever.
They know how to really tug at your heart, however, don't they?
Be strong !!!!
Mine keeps telling me that when I move back in things will be different, whatever.
They know how to really tug at your heart, however, don't they?
Be strong !!!!
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