Getting tough
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Getting tough
Hi All,
First, thank you for making the best forum I've seen yet on the net. Having kids makes it difficult for me to actually attend Al-anon meetings and this has been a tremendous resource for me.
After putting the "squeeze" on my AH for the last year or so to reduce his drinking and refusing to provide him with comfort related to drinking, the alcoholism has continued to progress to the point where I realize that if nothing changes the whole life will be gone shortly. I am preparing to move out with my 3 kids. I don't want a divorce - I just don't want to live with a practicing alcoholic. I'm not willing to look back in another 7 years or 3 years or 1 year and shake my head at all the evenings/events/trips/intentions/life that was ruined because of that stupid bottle.
We are in counseling with a counselor who couldn't possibly be more perfect for us and our situation. It started when I told my AH I was going to counseling and he could join me if he wanted - much to my surprise he opened up and I am really proud of how hard he works and how honestly he faces things in there. My AH goes to AA sometimes and he seems to get good stuff, but he's not bought into it or something. I suspect he's afraid it won't work for him. At first he was terrified that someone he knew would see him, but that hasn't happened since he doesn't go in our town usually.
I get confused because he truly has made some progress - he's acknowledging that he has a problem and that he's an alcoholic (WOW!), he continues to go to the dr. and counseling and does other positive things like take his meds and vitamins and tries to eat. He's even cut down on the quantity and frequency of drinking, but he still drinks pretty much daily and I just don't have any patience left for it. When I bring it up he just talks about how he thinks he's doing really well and has made a lot of changes, etc. He gets stuck when the detox symptoms kick in hard. I feel so bad because I can see that he has made some progress and I don't want him to throw up his hands and give up completely...
Aha.... Epiphany. I am responsible for *myself*. Me refusing to live with his alcoholism does not directly cause him to give up on sobriety - his sobriety is his decision. He is the only one who can do anything about his addiction. He will choose what he chooses regardless of what I say or do. Am I finally getting this? If I stay and allow things to just remain, surely death looms and there's not much hope of my kids getting their dad, or me getting a proper spouse for that matter.
I'm getting better at hearing actions instead of words. I guess it's time for my actions too. I am trying to get better at my boundaries.
First, thank you for making the best forum I've seen yet on the net. Having kids makes it difficult for me to actually attend Al-anon meetings and this has been a tremendous resource for me.
After putting the "squeeze" on my AH for the last year or so to reduce his drinking and refusing to provide him with comfort related to drinking, the alcoholism has continued to progress to the point where I realize that if nothing changes the whole life will be gone shortly. I am preparing to move out with my 3 kids. I don't want a divorce - I just don't want to live with a practicing alcoholic. I'm not willing to look back in another 7 years or 3 years or 1 year and shake my head at all the evenings/events/trips/intentions/life that was ruined because of that stupid bottle.
We are in counseling with a counselor who couldn't possibly be more perfect for us and our situation. It started when I told my AH I was going to counseling and he could join me if he wanted - much to my surprise he opened up and I am really proud of how hard he works and how honestly he faces things in there. My AH goes to AA sometimes and he seems to get good stuff, but he's not bought into it or something. I suspect he's afraid it won't work for him. At first he was terrified that someone he knew would see him, but that hasn't happened since he doesn't go in our town usually.
I get confused because he truly has made some progress - he's acknowledging that he has a problem and that he's an alcoholic (WOW!), he continues to go to the dr. and counseling and does other positive things like take his meds and vitamins and tries to eat. He's even cut down on the quantity and frequency of drinking, but he still drinks pretty much daily and I just don't have any patience left for it. When I bring it up he just talks about how he thinks he's doing really well and has made a lot of changes, etc. He gets stuck when the detox symptoms kick in hard. I feel so bad because I can see that he has made some progress and I don't want him to throw up his hands and give up completely...
Aha.... Epiphany. I am responsible for *myself*. Me refusing to live with his alcoholism does not directly cause him to give up on sobriety - his sobriety is his decision. He is the only one who can do anything about his addiction. He will choose what he chooses regardless of what I say or do. Am I finally getting this? If I stay and allow things to just remain, surely death looms and there's not much hope of my kids getting their dad, or me getting a proper spouse for that matter.
I'm getting better at hearing actions instead of words. I guess it's time for my actions too. I am trying to get better at my boundaries.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome, Over It, This time of night not hardly anyone around,will be more at daylight. I happened to have trouble sleeping so here i am.
glad you found this site i too think it is the greatest.
Have you also tried al-anon, that is good also,
read the sticky's at the top where you started your thread. Under classic reading" there is a list of very good books.
you are not alone, keep coming back and take what you can use and leave the rest. read as many of the threads that you can.
All this info will help make decesions, caring hugs
glad you found this site i too think it is the greatest.
Have you also tried al-anon, that is good also,
read the sticky's at the top where you started your thread. Under classic reading" there is a list of very good books.
you are not alone, keep coming back and take what you can use and leave the rest. read as many of the threads that you can.
All this info will help make decesions, caring hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hi there Over It. Wecome to SR. Nice to meet you
I like the way you describe it as putting the "squeeze on" AH. I know exactly what you mean! That's kinda what happened with me too...when I put the squeeze on, well the disease just exploded. wow.
As you already probably know, SR is awesome. I've learned so much here.
I hope you keep posting! I look forward to getting to know more about you
It sounds like you are heading towards better times. I hear strength in your post.
I like the way you describe it as putting the "squeeze on" AH. I know exactly what you mean! That's kinda what happened with me too...when I put the squeeze on, well the disease just exploded. wow.
As you already probably know, SR is awesome. I've learned so much here.
I hope you keep posting! I look forward to getting to know more about you
It sounds like you are heading towards better times. I hear strength in your post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
aha!...
that epiphany moment is pretty bright isn't it? - i remember mine too - and i really find when i focus on myself and what i'm doing the rest really does fall into place - it's been a good thing - and not having the constant struggles and fighting is pretty good too - the difference is felt from me all the way down to my 2 year old - ah serenity (most of the time)...
good luck,
s
that epiphany moment is pretty bright isn't it? - i remember mine too - and i really find when i focus on myself and what i'm doing the rest really does fall into place - it's been a good thing - and not having the constant struggles and fighting is pretty good too - the difference is felt from me all the way down to my 2 year old - ah serenity (most of the time)...
good luck,
s
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 77
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I've been reading the stickies and they are definitely helping to clarify things.
It's so funny how much crazy thinking we, the non-drinkers, can get twisted up in. Clarity is good. Also, not caretaking to the nth degree gives me a lot of free time to work on getting healthy! Maybe I'll take a good long fast walk today and stretch those muscles!
It's going to be a bright, bright, sunshiny day...
It's so funny how much crazy thinking we, the non-drinkers, can get twisted up in. Clarity is good. Also, not caretaking to the nth degree gives me a lot of free time to work on getting healthy! Maybe I'll take a good long fast walk today and stretch those muscles!
It's going to be a bright, bright, sunshiny day...
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Over It!
Welcome to SR!
Something that worked for me when I was watching someone I cared about go through detox, as to remind myself that I was not obligated to match his pain or any feeling of anyones. On other words, bc he is feeling horribly, doesnt mean I have to.
Being compassionate and still detaching is possible.
Glad you are here !
Welcome to SR!
feel so bad because I can see that he has made some progress and I don't want him to throw up his hands and give up completely...
Being compassionate and still detaching is possible.
Glad you are here !
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome Over_It!
I think that many of us struggle in many areas. You've been living in chaos and confusion for a long time and it takes some time to get really clear minded.
While I understand the whole "But I"m doing better" thing as my XAH says the same thing, I too got to where even any was just too much. That of course seems unreasonable to the alcoholic as they want both worlds - to keep the life they have and yet drink moderately - like a bargaining chip of sorts.
But yes, it seems that you are "getting it". You can only control you and he can only control himself and we all have to make the best decisions we can for ourselves.
Again, welcome to SR. I hope you'll pull up a chair and stay awhile and share your journey with us.
I think that many of us struggle in many areas. You've been living in chaos and confusion for a long time and it takes some time to get really clear minded.
While I understand the whole "But I"m doing better" thing as my XAH says the same thing, I too got to where even any was just too much. That of course seems unreasonable to the alcoholic as they want both worlds - to keep the life they have and yet drink moderately - like a bargaining chip of sorts.
But yes, it seems that you are "getting it". You can only control you and he can only control himself and we all have to make the best decisions we can for ourselves.
Again, welcome to SR. I hope you'll pull up a chair and stay awhile and share your journey with us.
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