Look, Listen, and Learn.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Look, Listen, and Learn.
In reading throughout the forum recently, I was reminded of some of the things that my XAH did and said to me during our marriage. In hindsite, I realize now that I was uneducated and in denial!!! Looking back now, I can see so many things that showed me the truth as well as remember the times that he even told me the truth - I just couldn't bear to see or hear the truth.
So I wanted to post this as a reminder to all of you here - as well as get others to join in with their own experiences.
My XAH told me that he felt that I'd left him shortly after we married. He felt that I'd grown up and left him behind.
The truth is that I did. I did grow up while he continued to just stay the same.
He told me during many of our arguements that "I" was the one with his drinking so if I wasn't happy, I could leave. Wow! He was telling me the truth - I just didn't hear it!!!!!
He also told me that he wouldn't leave because he didn't want to look like the "bad guy".
Not only was this true - he continued to try to prove to his family and friends that he wasn't the bad guy - and even does so to this day. Again, proving that what he said all those years ago really was true.
One time in counseling, a counselor asked him why he treated me the way he did. His answer "because she let's me". I didn't understand this - I knew that I didn't control him! He went on to explain that I stayed, I still slept in the same bed as him, etc. It took me about 12 years to FULLY grasp just what he had said all those years ago. I HAD let him!
When XAH told me that he always felt that I was of higher class than him, I'd not understood or taken him all that seriously. I realize NOW what he meant - as he was just trying to tell me just how low his self esteem was. Of course, this took ALOT of conversations before he finally worded it to the point of my understanding. I see now that he was telling me all along that he views himself as a loser, and has even used that word to describe himself. I didn't see him as such, therefore I didn't understand.
The examples could go on and on and on. The point I'm trying to make is that too often, I was uneducated and in denial. I also didn't understand the "games" that he played and the Jekyll/Hyde part of his personality.
There is a saying about "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". I'd have to say that I didn't used to understand this saying - but I do now.
Give it some thought.
So I wanted to post this as a reminder to all of you here - as well as get others to join in with their own experiences.
My XAH told me that he felt that I'd left him shortly after we married. He felt that I'd grown up and left him behind.
The truth is that I did. I did grow up while he continued to just stay the same.
He told me during many of our arguements that "I" was the one with his drinking so if I wasn't happy, I could leave. Wow! He was telling me the truth - I just didn't hear it!!!!!
He also told me that he wouldn't leave because he didn't want to look like the "bad guy".
Not only was this true - he continued to try to prove to his family and friends that he wasn't the bad guy - and even does so to this day. Again, proving that what he said all those years ago really was true.
One time in counseling, a counselor asked him why he treated me the way he did. His answer "because she let's me". I didn't understand this - I knew that I didn't control him! He went on to explain that I stayed, I still slept in the same bed as him, etc. It took me about 12 years to FULLY grasp just what he had said all those years ago. I HAD let him!
When XAH told me that he always felt that I was of higher class than him, I'd not understood or taken him all that seriously. I realize NOW what he meant - as he was just trying to tell me just how low his self esteem was. Of course, this took ALOT of conversations before he finally worded it to the point of my understanding. I see now that he was telling me all along that he views himself as a loser, and has even used that word to describe himself. I didn't see him as such, therefore I didn't understand.
The examples could go on and on and on. The point I'm trying to make is that too often, I was uneducated and in denial. I also didn't understand the "games" that he played and the Jekyll/Hyde part of his personality.
There is a saying about "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". I'd have to say that I didn't used to understand this saying - but I do now.
Give it some thought.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 36
You know the last time my ex had a bad drinking episode he said to me "the next time I drink you need to leave me. I am only going to hurt you with my drinking" OF course my response was be a man and leave me. After I left because of course he did drink again he basicly told me he said that because he had a bad hangover and was not really thinking. and now he does not even have a drinking problem. These stories are all so similar and brilliant!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
My ex ah would tell me he stayed "cause it was the right thing to do" another way of being the good guy, I thought.
Recently he told my daughter that he was going to get married and she asked him why and his response was "Its the right thing to do" his new girlfriend takes care of him, believes in him and thinks she can "fix" him.
My daughter responded that those are all the wrong reasons (thank god she see's that) and he replied it worked for 23 years with your mom. AHHHHHHHH
WOW what an eye opener that was for me. I realize now he was doing what was "right" for him.
Great Topic.
Recently he told my daughter that he was going to get married and she asked him why and his response was "Its the right thing to do" his new girlfriend takes care of him, believes in him and thinks she can "fix" him.
My daughter responded that those are all the wrong reasons (thank god she see's that) and he replied it worked for 23 years with your mom. AHHHHHHHH
WOW what an eye opener that was for me. I realize now he was doing what was "right" for him.
Great Topic.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Thanks for the great post SS. When I first met AH he told me a story of how, 2 years earlier at age 25, he had landed in the hospital in Greece with alcohol poisoning. Here's what I saw: an exciting and sophisticated guy who has traveled the world and I immediately started dreaming about all the great trips we would take together. LOL!
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