We have all been to this party...are you still there???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
We have all been to this party...are you still there???
Imagine this: You've been invited to a party, but you realize on the day of the party that you're not sure what type of party it is, what time you should arrive, or what you should wear. So you dress in a kind of neutral casual-dressy style and show up at seven.
As you come up the walk, you can hear the sounds of a party: music, conversation, laughter, glasses clinking, champagne corks popping, and you think, "This is going to be a GREAT party." You ring the bell and your host emerges wearing a bemused, enigmatic smile .... and a tuxedo.
"You are late," he says.
"I'm sorry. You didn't tell me what time the party was."
"I thought you would figure that out."
"I'm sorry. But I'm here now." You make an attempt at a confident smile.
Your host looks you up and down. "That may be true, but you are not dressed properly."
"Yes, that is true. But I'm not that far from home. I can just go and change quickly and be right back before you even notice. I won't even be gone an hour."
After you think about all the logistics: right dress, right hairstyle, time to dash home and back in a timely matter .... you realize all this effort must mean it's gonna be one heckuva great party.
Your host shakes his head. "But then you'll be REALLY late. Dinner will be over and I was counting on you to sit right beside me at the head table."
Your heart sinks. Your one chance and you blew it! Inside your head, you say several unflattering things about yourself, your abilities, your intelligence, and your potential, but out loud you declare, "Honest, I'll be back in under an hour. I'll be PERFECT! Can't you wait?"
Your host shakes his head. "I don't know. But what are you planning to bring to contribute to this dinner? I've told you how much I like those special nineteen-layer cakes you bake. I thought you'd know to bring one for our guests."
Behind him you still hear the laughter and the music; you can still smell the wonderful food and you can still see the champagne being poured. YOU ARE CONVINCED THIS IS THE GREATEST PARTY EVER AND YOU STILL WANT TO BE THE GUEST OF HONOR.
"Maybe I could be back in time for dessert ..."
That is what an emotionally unavailable relationship FEELS like. You are just never quite good enought to be admitted to the party. You get seduced by the clear, often indirect and unspoken, message that something is just a little wrong. If you can "fix" what was "wrong" the first time, something else is a little "wrong." And when you fix that, something else will appear.
Your host has no intention of making you - or anyone - the guest of honor. Your host has no ABILITY to make you the guest of honor - or even open the door to let you in. Your host is suffering from emotional unavailability. This is the inability of a person to reach out and make a heart connection with another person.
What is so unsettling and painful is that you end up with the clear belief that this is somehow your fault and that it's your respoonsibility to fix it by being perfect. If it isn't fixed, you are not perfect enough.
So now you say, "WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING???"
So how 'bout that party? I bet you read it and said to yourself, "That is sooooo obvious ... I would NEVER get caught in a situation like that."
Yeah, right. It seems obvious - until you are knee-deep in the middle of it. It doesn't start out with unreasonable demands of perfection. If it did, you'd walk away in five minutes. We get sucked into emotionally unavailable relationships because the process is subtle and progressive. The demands move a little at a time, inching you away from your own power base, shifting control of the situation to the emotionally unavailable person.
This is one of the keys to understanding the emotional unavailability in a relationship with an addict: the person who is not available doesn't want your love as much as he or she wants to control you. Emotions are unsafe; control gives the illusion of safety.
Didn't you initially base your relationship with someone on the expectation that the relationship would grow and deepen over time? When your partner in the relationship turns out not to be making an emotional connection it causes trauma; that's why these relationships are so painful. The trauma then does further damage as it undermines your expectations about yourself and your abilities to make connections. As illogical as that may seem, it is human nature to look for flaws in ourselves when things don't go as we expect. We end up being traumatized twice by a relationship with an addict: once by the loss and abandonment and again by the loss of our own confidence in ourselves. That is why the end of these relationships can be so much more painful than the end of a fully realized relationship. We think and think and think about what we could have done differently to make it work.
Welcome to the party. Make it your "Hotel California" where you can check out any time you wish but you can never leave, or get sick and tired of feeling like crap and just check out, walk away, heal yourself, and cut off all connections with your disagreeable host in that tuxedo. Take it from someone who has just walked out: you WILL get sick enough to leave and save yourself or you will go down into the pits of he** with your "host."
As you come up the walk, you can hear the sounds of a party: music, conversation, laughter, glasses clinking, champagne corks popping, and you think, "This is going to be a GREAT party." You ring the bell and your host emerges wearing a bemused, enigmatic smile .... and a tuxedo.
"You are late," he says.
"I'm sorry. You didn't tell me what time the party was."
"I thought you would figure that out."
"I'm sorry. But I'm here now." You make an attempt at a confident smile.
Your host looks you up and down. "That may be true, but you are not dressed properly."
"Yes, that is true. But I'm not that far from home. I can just go and change quickly and be right back before you even notice. I won't even be gone an hour."
After you think about all the logistics: right dress, right hairstyle, time to dash home and back in a timely matter .... you realize all this effort must mean it's gonna be one heckuva great party.
Your host shakes his head. "But then you'll be REALLY late. Dinner will be over and I was counting on you to sit right beside me at the head table."
Your heart sinks. Your one chance and you blew it! Inside your head, you say several unflattering things about yourself, your abilities, your intelligence, and your potential, but out loud you declare, "Honest, I'll be back in under an hour. I'll be PERFECT! Can't you wait?"
Your host shakes his head. "I don't know. But what are you planning to bring to contribute to this dinner? I've told you how much I like those special nineteen-layer cakes you bake. I thought you'd know to bring one for our guests."
Behind him you still hear the laughter and the music; you can still smell the wonderful food and you can still see the champagne being poured. YOU ARE CONVINCED THIS IS THE GREATEST PARTY EVER AND YOU STILL WANT TO BE THE GUEST OF HONOR.
"Maybe I could be back in time for dessert ..."
That is what an emotionally unavailable relationship FEELS like. You are just never quite good enought to be admitted to the party. You get seduced by the clear, often indirect and unspoken, message that something is just a little wrong. If you can "fix" what was "wrong" the first time, something else is a little "wrong." And when you fix that, something else will appear.
Your host has no intention of making you - or anyone - the guest of honor. Your host has no ABILITY to make you the guest of honor - or even open the door to let you in. Your host is suffering from emotional unavailability. This is the inability of a person to reach out and make a heart connection with another person.
What is so unsettling and painful is that you end up with the clear belief that this is somehow your fault and that it's your respoonsibility to fix it by being perfect. If it isn't fixed, you are not perfect enough.
So now you say, "WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING???"
So how 'bout that party? I bet you read it and said to yourself, "That is sooooo obvious ... I would NEVER get caught in a situation like that."
Yeah, right. It seems obvious - until you are knee-deep in the middle of it. It doesn't start out with unreasonable demands of perfection. If it did, you'd walk away in five minutes. We get sucked into emotionally unavailable relationships because the process is subtle and progressive. The demands move a little at a time, inching you away from your own power base, shifting control of the situation to the emotionally unavailable person.
This is one of the keys to understanding the emotional unavailability in a relationship with an addict: the person who is not available doesn't want your love as much as he or she wants to control you. Emotions are unsafe; control gives the illusion of safety.
Didn't you initially base your relationship with someone on the expectation that the relationship would grow and deepen over time? When your partner in the relationship turns out not to be making an emotional connection it causes trauma; that's why these relationships are so painful. The trauma then does further damage as it undermines your expectations about yourself and your abilities to make connections. As illogical as that may seem, it is human nature to look for flaws in ourselves when things don't go as we expect. We end up being traumatized twice by a relationship with an addict: once by the loss and abandonment and again by the loss of our own confidence in ourselves. That is why the end of these relationships can be so much more painful than the end of a fully realized relationship. We think and think and think about what we could have done differently to make it work.
Welcome to the party. Make it your "Hotel California" where you can check out any time you wish but you can never leave, or get sick and tired of feeling like crap and just check out, walk away, heal yourself, and cut off all connections with your disagreeable host in that tuxedo. Take it from someone who has just walked out: you WILL get sick enough to leave and save yourself or you will go down into the pits of he** with your "host."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
where you been prodigal?? glad to see you back. missed you round here.
your analogy of the party hit home. so many don't understand how we end up end the situation we are in, and then why we stay.
but like you so well explained.....it evolves over a series of events, before we realize we're in knee deep.
your analogy of the party hit home. so many don't understand how we end up end the situation we are in, and then why we stay.
but like you so well explained.....it evolves over a series of events, before we realize we're in knee deep.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
i'm saving this to a text file and when someone asks me why i've spent so much time with my exAbf, i'll send that to them. you put into words what I was not able to.....that the relationship is progressive and subtle as it escalates into a bizarre series of events and disappointments ultimately leaving you feeling abandoned, with little or no self esteem.
oh, and when I miss my exAbf i'll read this. in fact, I think i'm going to carry it with me wherever I go....ha ha!!!!
as i read about the party it all came together.....the incidents that were so frustrating....my handsome gentleman in a tuxedo promising such a wonderful evening only to drink so much he fell off his chair.....me scraping him up and tucking him in.....sigh......gradually me not wanting to attend the party anymore and him whining and drinking more saying i'm to blame, his parents are to blame, his allergy is to blame, the cat is to blame, the chupacabra is to blame....anyone but himself. whew.
i am not at that party anymore. after that experience i will not attend any party for which i do not receive a written invitation.....
thank you for reshifting my perspective prodigal. you're the best.
oh, and when I miss my exAbf i'll read this. in fact, I think i'm going to carry it with me wherever I go....ha ha!!!!
as i read about the party it all came together.....the incidents that were so frustrating....my handsome gentleman in a tuxedo promising such a wonderful evening only to drink so much he fell off his chair.....me scraping him up and tucking him in.....sigh......gradually me not wanting to attend the party anymore and him whining and drinking more saying i'm to blame, his parents are to blame, his allergy is to blame, the cat is to blame, the chupacabra is to blame....anyone but himself. whew.
i am not at that party anymore. after that experience i will not attend any party for which i do not receive a written invitation.....
thank you for reshifting my perspective prodigal. you're the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I've read your post a few times now. Each time I think:
Then: I'd have been a major player in this situation. I'd have beaten myself up and really felt like a failure for not having been prepared, for not having been able to read the mind of the hostess, etc. I'd have about killed myself in order to do all that I could to still be able to follow the new and ever-changing rules to be able to attend this most grand party.
Today: I'd say something like "Well, I'm so sorry that I misunderstood". I'd give the hostess a great big hug and say something like, "I hope you have a wonderful evening". Then since I'm about halfway dressed up, I'd call a friend or someone and say, "Hey, want to meet me for dinner or meet me over at my house for some takeout and a movie?"
Funny how things can change from our own perspectives. I definately used to be that woman standing on the doorstep berating myself for being a failure. Today I'm no longer at that party - I'm living my life and making the best of the not-so-pleasant moments.
Great post and analogy prodigal.
Then: I'd have been a major player in this situation. I'd have beaten myself up and really felt like a failure for not having been prepared, for not having been able to read the mind of the hostess, etc. I'd have about killed myself in order to do all that I could to still be able to follow the new and ever-changing rules to be able to attend this most grand party.
Today: I'd say something like "Well, I'm so sorry that I misunderstood". I'd give the hostess a great big hug and say something like, "I hope you have a wonderful evening". Then since I'm about halfway dressed up, I'd call a friend or someone and say, "Hey, want to meet me for dinner or meet me over at my house for some takeout and a movie?"
Funny how things can change from our own perspectives. I definately used to be that woman standing on the doorstep berating myself for being a failure. Today I'm no longer at that party - I'm living my life and making the best of the not-so-pleasant moments.
Great post and analogy prodigal.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
thanks fo this post, it's been awhile 
since I've been to that party.
I go to calm, peaceful get together's now & also need the written (by an legiable handwriting), spoken (by a calm, understandable voice - no slurring) invitation... I would rather be by myself, than one more time of that.
since I've been to that party. I go to calm, peaceful get together's now & also need the written (by an legiable handwriting), spoken (by a calm, understandable voice - no slurring) invitation... I would rather be by myself, than one more time of that.
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