Focusing on yourself
Focusing on yourself
I feel like right now I derserve to be kind of 'selfish' or at least focus more attention on myself and my desires/personality. Does anyone have any things that they do to focus on themselves and finding who they are? Because I know for me I spent so much time focused on my ex that simple things like even sitting around painting my toenails and doing other girly things were things I didnt do enough. Any ideas of what one can do to give themselves the attention that they need, no matter how big or small!
I will try to think of some that I try to do.
I will try to think of some that I try to do.
Hi DevilAngel...good for you...focus on you! Why is that selfish? We who get involved with alcoholics are really good at focusing on OTHER people. It is healthy and normal for people to cherish themselves and their own lives...that is not necessarily selfish...in fact, it is vital that we do this. This is our life too. Where is it written that we were supposed to dedicate it all to the physical and emotional care of a self-indulgent, self-centered addict? I call B.S.!
I too am focusing on myself for the first time in a long time...
for me that means doing the things that I stopped doing because I had made my AH my first priority for a long time...now I'm my first priority...so I am:
concentrating on my studies and my work
attending conferences
going out for coffee with friends or alone
going to the movies
buying pretty things
exercising
spending time with my parents
tending to my little houseplants with TLC
getting my nails done regularly
taking yoga
reading more
going on day trips with friends to do fun stuff (ski, shop, museums, etc)
I too am focusing on myself for the first time in a long time...
for me that means doing the things that I stopped doing because I had made my AH my first priority for a long time...now I'm my first priority...so I am:
concentrating on my studies and my work
attending conferences
going out for coffee with friends or alone
going to the movies
buying pretty things
exercising
spending time with my parents
tending to my little houseplants with TLC
getting my nails done regularly
taking yoga
reading more
going on day trips with friends to do fun stuff (ski, shop, museums, etc)
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I truly believe that our first responsiblity is to ourselves cuz if that ain't working...nothing else will. I love the analogy I've heard regarding being on an airplane. You are told to put your own oxygen mask on first before attending to others. If ya don't, well ya...how long and how much good can you truly be. It is only when we can truly attend to and love ourselves that we can give freely and without expectation of reciprocation.
Well, everyone is different, so the stuff I like to do for myself may not interest you at all. I would say the key for me has been to pay attention to my instincts. It's not something I was really accustomed to doing when I was all wrapped up in my husband.
A couple of examples of what I'm talking about:
1) Was planning a vacation with my kids, online looking at hotel prices in the SF Bay Area. Not sure why we decided on that area, other than it was close. Pop-up ad in my face showing ski condos in Colorado, cheaper than the hotel prices I was looking at. I haven't skiied in almost 20 years. There was this little spark in me that 'woke up' when I allowed myself to think about it. Booked a ski vacation to Steamboat Springs and was so excited about it I almost peed my pants!
2) My daughter and me are 'homebodies.' Love to just putter around the house on weekends. My son (10) is the opposite. Constantly following me around the house wanting to DO something, go outside, etc, etc. Last weekend, I suggested he go ride his bike. He says, okay, but it's more fun when there is someone to ride with. This gets me thinking, I need the exercise and could use a reason to get me out of the house sometimes, too. So I buy myself a bicycle. Again, something I haven't done in years. And it felt soooooo good riding around with the wind in my hair and my son yelling "wait up, mom!" LOL
So pay attention to those little sparks, those tiny urges that you maybe have been ignoring. Go with them, let them get you excited. You will be amazed at the things you end up doing.
L
A couple of examples of what I'm talking about:
1) Was planning a vacation with my kids, online looking at hotel prices in the SF Bay Area. Not sure why we decided on that area, other than it was close. Pop-up ad in my face showing ski condos in Colorado, cheaper than the hotel prices I was looking at. I haven't skiied in almost 20 years. There was this little spark in me that 'woke up' when I allowed myself to think about it. Booked a ski vacation to Steamboat Springs and was so excited about it I almost peed my pants!
2) My daughter and me are 'homebodies.' Love to just putter around the house on weekends. My son (10) is the opposite. Constantly following me around the house wanting to DO something, go outside, etc, etc. Last weekend, I suggested he go ride his bike. He says, okay, but it's more fun when there is someone to ride with. This gets me thinking, I need the exercise and could use a reason to get me out of the house sometimes, too. So I buy myself a bicycle. Again, something I haven't done in years. And it felt soooooo good riding around with the wind in my hair and my son yelling "wait up, mom!" LOL
So pay attention to those little sparks, those tiny urges that you maybe have been ignoring. Go with them, let them get you excited. You will be amazed at the things you end up doing.
L
Last edited by LaTeeDa; 02-09-2007 at 09:10 AM. Reason: typo
Many years ago, before it was a popular thing, I wanted to get my belly peirced. Ah said he'd divorce me if I did it. About 10 years after that conversation - I got it done. It didn't hurt him one bit and he still didn't want the divorce. He thinks I did it out of spite - but I did it for me!
For years, I went to bed and slept cold. I'd sleep in sweatsuits and warm pj's. Not really attractive, I know and sometimes XAH would comment about it. But you know what - he was always warm or hot and so I couldn't overload the bed with too many blankets. Today I have a bunch of blankets on my bed - and I even went and bought me an electric blanket. I'd had one years ago when we got married and he of course hated it so away it went. That blanket is something I enjoy and it's taking care of me.
The kids and I never really got to do much of anything. If XAH didn't want to do something, then I simply just didn't do it. In recent years, since our seperation, I decided I was going to take advantage of what time I had with my kids still being at home. Daughter and I shopped the mall (which was something I'd pretty much given up after marrying AH) and we went to each and every festival I could find close to me that first year! I look for any and all activities that are going on within an hour's drive from our home - and make plans to do them. I can't afford them all - but I do what I can. And I love it.
I have highlighted my hair 3 times in the past few years. This was something I'd never done before. I'd always feared that I'd get a bad coloring! LOL. Well, I finally decided that I wanted to experience it and just be able to say "I did that" and so I had it done. And the world didn't crash! Oh my! LOL. I also have my eyebrows done now - LOL! May seem small but it's another one of those rare treats I give myself when I'm really feeling like I need a lift.
After having given up my own social life - I decided that I wanted to be able to have friends to do things with. I'd attended a few concerts with a friend of mine - and then last year I decided that I wanted to do a Girl's Day Out. Six of us went out - we went putt putt golfing, out to eat, and to a concert (and saw bands that were popular in our high school days) It was a total blast and we are planning to make this Girl's Day Out an annual event - if not a seasonal event (4 times a year).
I never was much on watching tv either. Or movies. That was always XAH's thing. I've actually come to actually enjoy some television and movies! Maybe it's because I actually get to choose or have a say in what I'm watching! Hmm.......
Working on my house - though laborous, expensive, and whatnot - has truly brought me joy on many levels. I feel and can see when I'm accomplishing things and it makes me feel good to see that the things that he neglected for far too many years are getting done - because of me! Great self esteem motivator! I like coming home to my house now - and ya know - I did a few things that he told me that I couldnt do when he lived here! LOL. Again, it wasn't out of spite - it was because I always wanted to do them - and I did! And I really am glad that I did - I like the changes. PHysically in appearance as well as mentally. It's amazing how surrounding yourself with things you like can really change your feelings.
I've bought myself some bubble bath which I hadn't done in ages. When I get the time and really feel the need for one - I hide in the bathroom, put my favorite CD in the player, and take a nice long hot bath! Ahhh........
I also gave a lot of thought to the things in life that I hope to do before I die. It was in giving these things some thought that I really decided that I wanted to LIVE. To somene else, the things that bring me the greatest joy may seem small and trivial but to me - it's all about LIVING! I'm still working on getting out there and doing - but I'm doing it one day at a time.
For years, I went to bed and slept cold. I'd sleep in sweatsuits and warm pj's. Not really attractive, I know and sometimes XAH would comment about it. But you know what - he was always warm or hot and so I couldn't overload the bed with too many blankets. Today I have a bunch of blankets on my bed - and I even went and bought me an electric blanket. I'd had one years ago when we got married and he of course hated it so away it went. That blanket is something I enjoy and it's taking care of me.
The kids and I never really got to do much of anything. If XAH didn't want to do something, then I simply just didn't do it. In recent years, since our seperation, I decided I was going to take advantage of what time I had with my kids still being at home. Daughter and I shopped the mall (which was something I'd pretty much given up after marrying AH) and we went to each and every festival I could find close to me that first year! I look for any and all activities that are going on within an hour's drive from our home - and make plans to do them. I can't afford them all - but I do what I can. And I love it.
I have highlighted my hair 3 times in the past few years. This was something I'd never done before. I'd always feared that I'd get a bad coloring! LOL. Well, I finally decided that I wanted to experience it and just be able to say "I did that" and so I had it done. And the world didn't crash! Oh my! LOL. I also have my eyebrows done now - LOL! May seem small but it's another one of those rare treats I give myself when I'm really feeling like I need a lift.
After having given up my own social life - I decided that I wanted to be able to have friends to do things with. I'd attended a few concerts with a friend of mine - and then last year I decided that I wanted to do a Girl's Day Out. Six of us went out - we went putt putt golfing, out to eat, and to a concert (and saw bands that were popular in our high school days) It was a total blast and we are planning to make this Girl's Day Out an annual event - if not a seasonal event (4 times a year).
I never was much on watching tv either. Or movies. That was always XAH's thing. I've actually come to actually enjoy some television and movies! Maybe it's because I actually get to choose or have a say in what I'm watching! Hmm.......
Working on my house - though laborous, expensive, and whatnot - has truly brought me joy on many levels. I feel and can see when I'm accomplishing things and it makes me feel good to see that the things that he neglected for far too many years are getting done - because of me! Great self esteem motivator! I like coming home to my house now - and ya know - I did a few things that he told me that I couldnt do when he lived here! LOL. Again, it wasn't out of spite - it was because I always wanted to do them - and I did! And I really am glad that I did - I like the changes. PHysically in appearance as well as mentally. It's amazing how surrounding yourself with things you like can really change your feelings.
I've bought myself some bubble bath which I hadn't done in ages. When I get the time and really feel the need for one - I hide in the bathroom, put my favorite CD in the player, and take a nice long hot bath! Ahhh........
I also gave a lot of thought to the things in life that I hope to do before I die. It was in giving these things some thought that I really decided that I wanted to LIVE. To somene else, the things that bring me the greatest joy may seem small and trivial but to me - it's all about LIVING! I'm still working on getting out there and doing - but I'm doing it one day at a time.
When I started asking myself, "so what do I want to do?" -- I just didn't have an answer. I had spent so much time erasing myself to not rock the boat that I couldn't think of a thing I wanted to do. And when I tried, I felt guilty because all these "shoulds" appeared in my head -- I "should" organize the storage room, I "should" do this, I "should" do that.
On the advice of my best friend, I started replacing the word "should" in my head with "could." I "could" go see a movie -- but I don't have to. I "could" stay home and take a nap instead.
The "coulds" have really helped me. When I see my choices not as right or wrong choices, but as just different choices, it's easier for me to determine what I really want to do (and what I think I "should" want to do...)
While I used to be exactly like this: now I plan my life. If AH wants to join me and the kids, and he's able to, I don't push him away. But I don't let him guilt-trip me into abstaining from doing things I enjoy just because he doesn't.
For me, it's little things. I go to a baby shower on a Sunday even though he moans and whines that Sundays are our family day. I go to lunch with my coworkers because I want to -- and ignore his comments that that tall guy in sales wants to f--k me. I meet my running group during my lunch and go for a quick 30-minute run -- and ignore that he thinks I "should" use my lunch hour to go grocery shopping...
I'm slowly starting to enjoy my own company, rather than feel guilty for painting my nails or taking 30 minutes at a coffee shop with a collection of poetry instead of picking the kids up 30 minutes earlier from daycare.
On the advice of my best friend, I started replacing the word "should" in my head with "could." I "could" go see a movie -- but I don't have to. I "could" stay home and take a nap instead.
The "coulds" have really helped me. When I see my choices not as right or wrong choices, but as just different choices, it's easier for me to determine what I really want to do (and what I think I "should" want to do...)
While I used to be exactly like this:
If XAH didn't want to do something, then I simply just didn't do it.
For me, it's little things. I go to a baby shower on a Sunday even though he moans and whines that Sundays are our family day. I go to lunch with my coworkers because I want to -- and ignore his comments that that tall guy in sales wants to f--k me. I meet my running group during my lunch and go for a quick 30-minute run -- and ignore that he thinks I "should" use my lunch hour to go grocery shopping...
I'm slowly starting to enjoy my own company, rather than feel guilty for painting my nails or taking 30 minutes at a coffee shop with a collection of poetry instead of picking the kids up 30 minutes earlier from daycare.
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