hezzie

I am sitting here almost sick to my stomach because I have this feeling that my AH isn't at work like he says he is, but rather he's out drinking.

Why do I feel this way? Simple, just one little thing was "out of place", so to speak, and it just hasn't set well with me.

The guilt will get me if I am wrong, I am not usually wrong...but there's a first time for everything. I wouldn't feel so bad but my AH is scary when he has had a case of beer. I am tired of leaving and driving my kids around for hours-just to feel safe.

I can't stand feeling like I am in limbo, I will be this way until he calls me from work (that is if it is from a landline and not his cell). (Caller ID)

I hate living this way. I hate the person I have turned into.

mallowcup

I'm so sorry you are living this way. I remember living like this. If he comes home and you fear for your safety, go to a phone and call the police. I think it's too cold to drive your kids around in the cold night. If you husband was sober he'd agree.

newenglandgirl

Hezzie - you gotta take control of your situation. You have your kids' childhoods/lives at stake. Children are seriously affected by living in an alcoholic home. You are not in an easy situation. And you have made the important first step - realizing that something is very wrong.

Have you gotten to the point where you're ready to set up strong boundries with your AH? For example, if he does not get help and stop drinking, then he must leave. Or that if he continues to drink that you and the kids will leave.

What resources do you have to get you and the kids out?

newenglandgirl

Let us know how you are doing!

parentrecovers

thinking about you, hezzie. please be safe and take good care of yourself and your children - you all deserve it! blessings, k

lillamy

Hezzie, (((hugs)))

You know, living the life we live, we have good reason to be paranoid.
Please check in & let us know you're OK -- and do take care of yourself and the kiddos.

lilac

(((Hezzie))) I am sorry you are living like this right now. Living with an A does make us paranoid, I know it has me.. You need to set some strong boundaries to protect yourself and your children. Keep us posted.

Missy

Thanks. This is exactly what I needed to hear... My AH does the same and I am scared of him when he drinks. Then when I am on edge in the morning, he cant figure it out and blames me for his "rest of the day" If I wouldn't be like I am,, he wouldn't drink so much. I guess that is what alcholics do,,, drink and create monsters..
I also go out driving or just sit in the car for a while until I think he is sleeping. I have no more children at home..so what is keeping me there?
I think it is the "stuff" the house etc. That is part of my illness and why I go to Alanon
thanks, missy xo

hezzie

Well, I was wrong. I can only think of one other time in the last several years that I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

He was upset with me, threatened to divorce me because "he has been good and taking his medication and I had no reason to think he was drinking". He has taken Antabuse for the past 2 weeks and is now out and is telling me that he isn't going to take it anymore.

Yeah, I was wrong...but after 10 yrs of this behavior-I feel like I am "programmed" to think this way. I do feel bad for thinking that he was drinking, but his drinking often times blinds sides me.

I was doing pretty good, when he went for 4 months sober. I finally felt less anxious and like we were getting our lives back...then when I wasn't expecting it-he was drunk. It is almost worse when it happens and you haven't prepared yourself for it. I feel trapped, like I don't know where to go or how to get my kids out safely. I guess I sound like a complete fruitcake.

Thank you to all that gave words of encouragement.

hezzie

And this is the problem. I can't make him leave and I don't have anywhere to take my 3 kids to. I will graduate from nursing school this May and will have an income at that time, so hopefully that will help by providing me with the income to stay in a hotel or hire a sitter for the kids, etc.

embraced2000

awwww hezzie....welcome.....god, how they beat us down. i'm having one of those nights, that i'm looking back and actually seeing how sickening it all was....my xh is gone now.....but i spent many years in the insanity.

it's just insane, just sick, sick, sick.....and they are so sick, they try to convince us how screwed up we are. well, ya....we get screwed up trying to live with their chaos.

i'm so glad you are about to get your degree....you will then be able to take care of yourself and your children and leave his controlling, drunken arse in yer dust.