brunette

Hello! I am trying to get some feedbak about some issues I am having with my husband. We started to go to the psicologist together but we are still stock in our issues. The main problem is that I hate to go partying, I never drinked and I don't smoke. My husband loves to do all and that has been a problem since the beggining of our relation. I tell him that I can't deal with him going to happy hour every week and that the main activity that rewards him is partying, drinkink and being with friends. He told me that he will not stop doing it b/c he feels that I am totally controlling him so he resents me for that. I will love to have a person with me that understands my needs. On the other hand, he is a good man and we love each other a lot but we know that this situation is hurting this relation at the point to end it. Does anywone have any advise for this situation?
Thanks!

Nuudawn

You indeed have a problem. I'm no marriage counsellor and I'm also unsure as to the extent of your husband's drinking. In your marriage counselling, has your husband identified any issues he'd like to change in your behaviour? No one can truly change any behaviour for the sake of another....they have to want to within themselves. If your husband does not see what he does for enjoyment as a negative, quitting for you would only make him resent you anyway.
You can't change anyone...only yourself. What it comes down to is the only thing you have within your power is your choices and how you deal with them.

denny57

hi brunette - glad you're here

I'm not sure from your post if your husband has a drinking problem, or just likes to go to happy hour once a week. It was happy hour every day here - well for one person it was.

If it's a communication problem about needs I would think continued counseling will help. Keep posting and good luck.

brunette

He wants me to understand his needs and commit to them. As a deffense he will say any kind of irrelevant facts to change my behavior, and I am working on them; but the real issue here is his inmaturity and lack of motivation in other things but partying. He sees family like a pain instead of a reward. Only drinking and being with friends that do the same as him seams to make him happy.

Nuudawn

Sounds like typical self centred alcoholic thinking to me (I know, I am one)..but again can't be sure as I don't know the extent. What makes you happy?

brunette

I don't think he has a drinking problem, he wants to go to happy hour after work on Thursdays and Fridays, when usually people go. Off course if would be up to him he will go out, drink and party every night. I just feel that all of that kind of needs he has are so weak...

brunette

Family, movies, food, nature, art, good friends make my life happy...

denny57

Do you believe that what makes you happy should also make your husband happy?

Nuudawn

What if he wanted to go fishing with the boys (no booze) every Thurs and Fri night after work...would there still be a problem?

Crumbs

Not really sure what is bothering you most... Him going out of his drinking behaviors. Or a little of both?

brunette

I wish but it doesn't work for us that way. We are very different. What makes me happy doesn't make him happy and viceversa. That is our biggest issue.

Nuudawn

Sounds like marriage counselling was an excellent idea then. You will need to find out just how compatible you truly are...how badly you want to save your marriage and what compromises you are willing to make.

brunette

You just made a really good point. A couple of months ago he went fishing with the boys for the weekend and I stayed with my kids. I wasn't happy at all with the idea but he didn't care and went anyways. It was a lot of drinking also. To your question, if it will be just having fun every week without the family, I will not be happy either. He is going to the gym twice a week after work and I think is very possitive. What I rally want is for him to value and enjoy his family, cherish it and grow up the happy hour and partying. I like to go out and socialize but not in his way.

brunette

A little bit of both but much more him going out...

brunette

Yeah, the compromise he wants me to make is letting him go to happy hour and to go party with me. The problem is that we tryed it already and it makes me sick and I get so bored, in a very bad mood, tired, miserable...not so much at the begining of the night but after hours when I am tired and everyone else is drunk and unconsious. Then it turns into a real nightmare.

Nuudawn

If you want don't want to go...then you definitely should not. He can go and you can do something else - that's a compromise. Now where is the problem? What should he be doing instead of going to Happy Hour?

brunette

Well, I will not be any happier if he goes by himself and get drunk and be with other girls; that is not what a want for my marriage. Instead of happy hour he can be at home with his family or we can do anything else...

Tess L

If you are uncomfortable going with him to happy hour, then don't go. I feel the same way. I have never been much of a drinker and I don't enjoy sitting in a bar watching other people get hammered. However, if he is only going out once a week to do something he enjoys and you don't feel he has a drinking problem, then I don't really see the problem (unless there's more to it??). I would suggest you find something you like to do - something that is just for you, that gives you pleasure or makes you feel satisfied. Taking a class or going for a walk or just doing some window shopping can be fun.

If the problem is that you just think you need more family time together, you might try scheduling a family activity day. When my son was in his early teens it felt like we were never together for dinner or anything else. I started board game Sundays, where we would spend an afternoon playing Monopoly or Risk or some other game. It really worked to bring us all together at least for a few hours a week.

For me, I feel like its nice to have things you do together, but I think its important to be a "full" person on my own too.