embraced2000

day.....i've been avoiding posting on this thread, cause it is so familiar, and i don't want to pass on any of my crap to you.

my xh was so much like this when he got sober one time for 10 months. i often look back and wonder if i could have done better for myself at that time, had i known what i know now.

i was brand new in al-anon, and still broken hearted, tantruming, angry, sarcastic, vindictive, and still unwittingly playing all the power, control, superiority, victim, and martydom roles. when they said to detach,,,,,,,to me it meant not speaking to him. i know i didn't help his recovery......however, i do not feel responsible at all for him not making it.

i've witnessed first hand, the spiritual awakening and psychic change in alcoholics who decide to take control of their recovery.....they are like brand new born babies.....they exuded serenity, peace, and the knowlege that others were likely to give them a very hard time. and they handled it.

all the blaming and shaming appeared to be gone......at least for that moment in time.....i know these people that i'm speaking of, are still sober today, active in the program, and are admired and loved by many. now.....the home life?????.....who knows.

like i said, i often ponder if i could have helped myself so much more then, if i had known what i know now. that is impossible to know of course.

what would i have done differently???? i wouldn't have been so angry at him. i wouldn't have upset myself everyday with feeling like i had to be his whipping post because he "was in recovery", i would have understood more of what was going on. i would have detached with love and let him alone.

i used to keep a calender of his meetings, and would write down the topic of each meeting. he would have the most stunned look on his face when i was writing on the calender. it was more like disbelief, but he dared not question me on it, because he had "been a very bad boy" and i would have barked at him so loudly, and went into such a sermon, that it was easier to just give me the info and keep quiet. i really thought i was doing the right thing.

i hope he knows i didn't mean any harm, i just didn't know better.

when he was in submission, i played my role to the hilt. no wonder he wound up resenting me. when he rared up out of it, he would then beat me mentally into submission. what a cycle!!!! damn.

just my experience.

sorry for rambling

love to you
jeri

dayxday

I understand focusing on myself – what I don’t understand or know how to deal with is how that he continues to come to me about his issues. In the past I would have jumped right in to help – now I do nothing and find myself wanting to walk away and not even listen.

Although I believe he will find the answers and help he needs through AA or maybe a counselor I have never said or suggested that to him. That was my main question – should I suggest he try another counselor - would it be appropriate for me to say there are places for you to go to seek the answers – don’t bring your problems to me.

He knows that I am unhappy that he sees the problems but doesn’t want to get help with them. He wants me to be the person that I used to be, listen to his problems and help him solve them. Most of them involve “his” family and “I” want him to leave “me” out of it and figure it out for himself.

Hence, his reason last week that we should divorce IMO because it’s not going his way.

I supposed mostly I am venting and questioning my own level of patience by asking about what is normal in sobriety. If I knew the answer I wouldn’t be asking.

I guess I can answer one question for myself. I will always be the one he takes his frustration out on until he learns to deal with it himself or until I say I have had enough.

dayxday

This sounded very odd to me too. I know he had the appt because a message was left on the answering machine reminding him of date & time. I have no idea what they discussed – but T told me that evening what the counselor said to him.

Based on his family issues, rehab suggested he continue counseling. T found him thru insurance referral. He apparently has some connection to AA, is a Lutheran Pastor and an approved counselor for insurance.

denny57

He certainly shared what he wanted to. You do not know if it is true. Perhaps it was suggested he embrace the FIRST step. You do not know what went on it that room, and it doesn't matter. It's his recovery to embrace.

How are you going to live your life in the meantime? Are you working on living a good life whether he drinks or not?

((()))

LaTeeDa

I think listening to his problems is appropriate. We all want someone to listen to us. Helping him solve them is an entirely different issue. This is where a clear boundary is needed.

It sounds like you are still trying to fix him. Maybe less so than before, but still trying a little. Let him know that you are there to listen, empathize, whatever, but his problems are his problems. Let him solve them.

L