GlassPrisoner

We read chapter 8 of the Big Book last night in our weekly study.

To all of you wives and girlfriends, let me tell you something. When we recover, we do feel guilt and remorse for what we've done. We realize that it wasn't you, or the boss, or anything else. Our problems were mostly of our own doing, exacerbated by the disease. Unfortunately, when we're still drinking, we just don't see it.

There wasn't a dry eye there. Those who still had a relationship probably bought flowers on the way home, those who didn't probably made a phone call. Personally, I know exactly who my next amendment will be to. (My Ex)

I hope and pray you and your loved ones find a way out of your living hell.

steady14

It would be nice if the alcoholic in my life, my wife, felt that way toward me but I'm not holding my breath. I suspect that if it does ever happen it won't be until we're apart and divorced and by then it will be too late.

I also suspect it will be only to purge her conscience in order to feel better about herself. This comes across as selfish as hell, more of the me attitiude pattern that I've become accustomed to with addiction.

Sorry for the bitterness, but I'm sick of the selfishness that comes with living with not only an active but but a now inactive alcoholic. The crap doesn't stop.

cmc

Thankyou Glass for sharing how recovery can be. I know of many, many people who have found it and have made amends and gone on to have wonderful lives reunited with their loved ones and/or new relationships that have stood the test of....time.
You give me extra hope today by sharing, some much needed hope that my son can find what you and others are finding now.

volsgal1162

Steady14,
Hang in there, I know it is hard for you. She does love you she just doesn't know how to show it! It is as hard for YOU as it is for HER not to drink. I am so sorry for your pain, my AH is the same way we are seperated and it doesn't make it any better. I love and miss him very much, the only difference is he is not in my face everyday.....

splendra

(((gp))))

I am so glad that their are addicts and alcoholics that do recover. I am one of the ones who has recovered. Lucky for me I wasn't in a relationship with someone when I was at my worst and I did not have children.

When the alcoholic/addict in a codies life finally decides to get clean often time the damage is so huge that it takes a hell of alot more that words on a page, tears or, flowers to make things right. Here's hoping you are able to make things right in your world.

Pick-a-name

Thank you,glass. You and the other recovered A's here are a blessing by sharing your recovery. I do appreciate it!

(I'd say more,but reading this reduced me to tears; in a good way)

Janitw

I dont want his ammends....I dont want his I'm sorry's....he had no right to hurt, maim and scar me and the kids forever....disease or no disease - what about just being a man? What about a little bit of pride for goodness sake...he has been gone for a year and a half and couldnt wait to say "I do" with his OW....I dont think he knows or cares what he did to us...and never will. Until judgement day. There is such a thing as too little too late......

embraced2000

i always felt that my xh felt remorse. it just wasn't enough to change his thinking. i pray someday, he will make it.

i think that alcohlics, when they begin their work into the steps, face and feel all the things that we, as the family and loved ones of the alcoholic have faced and felt all along when watching the addiction control their lives. it must be very challenging to face past damages and make amends to those they damaged.

i speak from experience when i say i once had a tremendous fall from grace that affected so many people. i had to learn to ask forgiveness of those i had hurt, ask god for forgiveness, and then had to forgive myself.

forgiving myself was by far the hardest. the guilt, shame, and remorse were overwhelming and consuming.

if i had not had a spiritual awakening at this time, i could have never done it. i would have blamed everyone else, became defensive, and not owned my actions.

it takes tremendous fortitude to stand tight and do the right thing. many times this means taking all the shots that people want to throw at you....and understand why.

over a very long time, my fall from grace has became one of the greatest things that ever happened in my life, for it gave me the gifts of empathy, understanding, and compassion. and best of all.....a path to spirituality.

love to all

elizabeth1979

GP- thank you for this share.
I needed it today.

I was starting to get all mucky feeling. Almost as if I needed contact with my ex. Your share reminds me, my recovery is mine and if and when he wants his own, thats his stuff. I dont need to drag myself back where I dont want to be just to see if he is sorry. I choose to believe the personal hell he could be putting himself through wouldnt be helped by my contact also.

Janitw, just for me, I have found that being angry and bitter ties me to resentment and bad feelings that only keep hurting me and keep me in painful emotional bondage. Im sorry you are hurting..I really am..I hope tomorrow is better

Nuudawn

Yes, indeed. Once we find compassion and understanding and love over hurt and bitterness and anger towards the unwell ex...we are so much more at peace.

I still deviate between the two places..no doubt about it. But man oh man, I way prefer the peace and love rather than the anger, hurt and bitterness...when I'm there I'm just giving him further space in my head....bad space that only hurts me and hinders my recovery.

WantsOut

I find the problem is that whenever I let compassion and love overtake the bitterness and anger, he takes advantage of me again. I try to be kind and he just tries to make me his codie again (or should I say I nearly let myself get in that position again). The only way I seem to be able to protect myself and stay away from the craziness is to be angry. I'm not sure how to resolve this.

denny57

At the beginning I was confused about this - a lot. For me it's about what I do with my compassion and love - the actions I take. It's about my misguided beliefs about what compassion and love are and what I "should" do to show them. So I had to say, ok, I feel love and compassion, that means doing for him, wait a second that never works, how about I try something else. I had to go way back - and continue to do so - to see and understand where I got my ideas of how to express love and compassion.

Cynay

*hugs*

WO, I soooo struggled with that as well. I discovered if I let go of my anger and started to feel compassionate... it hurt too much. It was very much like as long as I stayed angry the "scales" were level.... somehow when I let go of the resentment and anger the scale tipped and I went back to the pain and hurt.

I had to figure out for myself that 1. The scale will tip, but only for a short time.... while I mourn and then I find the balance again. 2. I had to measure what I was receiving against what it was costing me. Anger and resentment cost me too much, so again... The scale tipped until I found my balance. I learned from the experience and once I was free from all the negative.... the balance came, and it was "my" balance and peace.

I sometimes ask myself why I let or keep people in my life that are more hurtful to me then then they are joyfull in my life..... Im still working on that one, but If I find an answer I will pass it on.

done2

I need to remember this. Thank you.

Janitw

Thanks you guys - I needed that kick in the a$$. I know what I should be doing for my own recovery but sometimes I just give up and dont want to turn any more cheeks....I dont want to feeeeeeel anymore. I just want to live again.

dayxday

GP
Thanks for sharing this. I know sometimes I feel like even though he isn't drinking, he just doesn't seem to understand what he has put me through.

I have read a number of your posts that speak of the side of one recovering that gives me hope as I am sure it does others.

Tonight couldn't have been a better night for me to read something like this.

Tess L

I do hope your right, cause it doesn't feel that way most of the time.

Nuudawn

Love and compassion must include ourselves in the equation. Although I can feel these things for my ex...it is only feeling it for myself that keeps me at a safe distance. My ex is unwell and his actions as long as he is still using will always hurt and confuse me. Not subjecting myself to the actions that all come from his pain and fear is loving myself. I would not turn my back on the man if he truly wanted/needed help in fixing himself..but he does not. In a using state, my ex is poisonous to me and is incapable or rationale thought or any feeling outside of his own pain.

elizabeth1979

This realization was monumental to my growth.

Just as alcohol is poisonous to my ex, he is poisonous to me. If asked, I would not considering drinking healthy for him and I do not consider seeing my ex healthy for me.

embraced2000

(((((sigh))))).....yes, i am an addict too.....i'm addicted to my xh and his alcoholism. i know it is not healthy. i know i do so much better with not knowing what is going on in his life. intellectually, i am aware.

it's the emotional thing that i let keep getting in my way of behaving intellectually. but i'm working on it. one hour at a time.

sounds so much like an alcoholic, doesn't it? they KNOW alcohol is their poison and serves as the nemisis in their lives, but to stay away from it is a life long career of discipline, keeping on their toes, being hyper alert to triggers......a whole lot of hard a$$ work.

so i reckon i have just the equivilant of the mental afflictions of addiction that the alcoholic has......for i white knuckle all the time about my xh.

i have recently became aware of so many similarities between my own mind and that of the mind of the alcoholic. and the behaviors. difference being that my behaviors are more socially "nicey-nice" because my behaviors appear to be more socially acceptable by not having the added label of "alcoholic"

does anyone know what i am talking about here?

i guess i'm saying that my behaviors with my xh were just as bad as his, but his just looked worse.