Detached

I'm newly signed up to this board and this is my first post.

I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for just short of a year, minus a one month separation where we still talked on a daily basis but for 5 days. When I met him, he was in recovery and had 90 days sober. I resisted his charm, because I knew he was in recovery and that life or a relationship with an alcoholic was not something I was sure I could take on. However, as time progressed, he won me over...and we were inseparable and happy...and life was good. Being that in my teen age years I was an addict and went thru intensive out-patient therapy, I am not completely uneducated in this topic, however, as life events unfold one learns more than any text book could warn about or teach. I've prided myself on the strength I have in getting thru many hard things...I've always managed to come out on top...stronger, and grateful for the experience altho it was definitly a test on my spirit.

But now, I find myself in a situation that is testing all boundries of my strength and perseverence. This once sober and delightful man, that I fell madly in love with, has turned from his sobriety and has daily sunken deeper and deeper into a hole........and I've sat by and watched it happen, and done nothing. I have been a participating member in Alanon since I entered the relationship with him, because of wanting to learn more about alcoholism and how to cope if something such as the situation I am in now should arise. I'm keeping a level head, altho I do have to admit, my patience is wearing thinner with each passing day. I'm fighting a battle inside myself with my insecurities.....and I'm caught between an unconditional love for him...and doing whats best for me.

He still attends daily AA meetings, and aftercare meetings from intensive outpatient (IOP), however, he is consuming a bottle of scotch nearly every evening. The guilt from the facade he is acting out has been eating at him for months, and its turning him into someone I dont know. I am the only one that knows he's been drinking, and I have not done anything about it. I understand I am powerless over it...I cannot control the situation...I can only control myself. But now, after cleaning up his vomit, lovingly washing his face with a warm cloth when he returns to bed....and staying awake for hours to make sure he is breathing and safe before I allow myself to sleep (my own choice to do so)...I broke the silence and contacted a mutual friend on Sunday, and told him everything. I also called an IN-patient facility and they are fed-ex'ing me information and forms. A 30-day in-patient and detox treatment is $38,850, but their success rate is high. Tomorrow I am having a conference call with the mutual friend and 2 others, and we are going to set a plan of action for an intervention.

I simply cannot stand by and watch him drink himself to death. He is becomming more and more verbally aggressive and hateful....this is not the vivacious, wonderful man, that I fell in love with.

What I am wondering is.....has anyone participated in an intervention? I'm feeling quite un-easy about doing this....but my intuition is telling me it is the right thing to do. I just dont know what to expect. I am hoping he will accept the help offered, and check in.....but I am ready to face the possibility that he will be very angry....and end the relationship. If so, then it is what it is.....because in just sitting here doing absolutely nothing, I've lost him anyway.

dollydo

You are taking on alot of his responsibilty. Who's going to pay for this rehab?
It is awful pricey, there are free programs out there that he can submit himself to...the key word is He, nothing will change until He is ready to embrace recovery...you are trying to solve his problems for him, doesn't work that way.

Are you going to meetings? Have you read Codependent No More?

You are hiding a dirty little secret, where does his family fit in all this? I can't imagine they do not know he is an alcoholic...have you spoke to them?

You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. He created the problem, it is his to solve.

Detached

Yes...everyone knows he is an alcoholic...but he's collecting sobriety chips, and has relapsed and I'm the only one that knows.

Yes...I am a participating member of Alanon. I understand the program. I have let him be...and not tried to control it. Yes, I've read on co-dependancy...I've spoke with my Dr., and even a psychologist for yet more information.

The program is definitely pricey...but thats not an issue.

Even with an intervention....it is the addicts choice to accept the help or not. It's not a forced treatment....that doesnt work. An intervention is a group of close friends and family that get together with the addict...express their care and concern....tell them they are loved...and ask them to please get help. If he denies...and doesnt want to get better...thats his choice. Then I decide if I want to stay in the relationship any longer (unbeknownst to him). No altimatums...those dont work either. He knows where I stand on all of this...he asks why I dont say anything about the drinking...why I stay so quiet. I just respond....it is your choice...I cant make you stop, or make you better...that has to come from you.

No...I cannot save him. But, that doesnt mean that a hand up cant be extended....and he can make the choice to save himself.

embraced2000

i've never had any experience with interventions that you describe.

i've always heard one can get sober in a barn, if they choose to get sober. it's about their desire, imo.

i wish you the best. i hope it works for him. take care of yourself.

newenglandgirl

I don't see a problem with doing an intervention and, as you say, extending a hand. But it is also true that you need to take care not to OVERLY extend yourself. Like Embraced points out - one could get sober in a barn.

Every addict is different. Every relationship is unique. We have to decisions based on what we personally feel comfortable with. I often ask myself "what will cause ME the lesser amount of pain"? Do I feel comfortable cutting off ALL contact? Do I feel comfortable NOT presenting him with treatment info? At one point, everyone in my family was telling me to cut off all contact and to tell my AH that I am filing for divorce NOW. I did that, and you know what? It was TOO MUCH for ME. I wasn't ready. I'm not saying that you should follow my lead. I have a lot of work to do. I am just saying that you have to take care of you.

I watch that show Intervention on T.V. on Sundays and those interventions seem to work for a lot of people.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.
Good to meet you

Cynay

Welcome to SR... Glad that you found us and Congrads on kicking your own habit.

I have no experience with with your going to attempt.... but wanted to Welcome you anyway. I have heard that is highly recommended that you use a professional in this though... might want to think about that.

Hope it goes well and look forward to getting to know you.

parentrecovers

hello and welcome, detached.

i know when my daughter decided to find recovery, it was not because of anything we (her family) had said or done. it was her choice, plain and simple. i mean, we helped her find the help she wanted - but ultimately, that step 1 was hers and hers alone.

blessings, k

Nuudawn

Hello Detached,
First off...my heart feels for you. This must be so incredibly wrenching and painful to endure.
Secondly, for yourself...I think you must do this. You must try to help...extend your hand and allow him to know how much you care. If he does not choose help/recovery (which is his choice) you then must do the most caring thing and stand behind your action. You must walk away and love and pray from a distance. He has to know you mean business. That is the most loving thing you can do for both of you.

denny57

I've never been involved in an intervention. Who will be involved in yours? I guess I'd be curious why someone who has only been in his life a year is the one planning an intervention.

You say you are not controlling it, but the post reads otherwise. I understand extending a hand, but what is the motivation. After attending open AA meetings myself, if he is attending as you say, I highly doubt he is fooling everyone there.

Take care - glad you're here!

care4uNJ

Detached:

Although I wasn't personally involved in an intervention per se, I can however share two intervention stories with you.

The first was for my ex-abf who was interventioned at work. He's a senior executive in his corporation and some of his immediate direct reports along with his senior leadership interventioned him at work. They basically told him that his drinking was getting way out of hand and was affecting his job performance. They stressed that they really cared for his well-being and that they only wanted the best for him. All logistics to every detailed was taken care of prior to the intervention. The only thing he had to do was be waiting outside for the limo to show the following morning and take him to the rehab facility. He knew he couldn't do it on his own and accepted the intervention, afterall it was either that or lose your job.

The other story doesn't have such a great ending. My friend's wife has a major drinking problem and he got his family and her family together for an intervention. They all sat down with her and express their love and concern for her well-being and that they thought she needed help, but unfortunately it went over like a lead balloon. She got extremely upset that they were all ganging up on her and that she really didn't have a problem, blah, blah, blah. So, it was her choice to either accept it or not and unfortunately she didn't. That was last year and I don't have to tell you that things aren't/haven't gotten any better only worse. She is losing her children over this and yet she still feel that she doesn't have a problem. How incredibly sad it that.

Best of luck with your intervention. Its a good thing if they accept it!!! Sometimes its just the 'push' that they need to get started.

Jo

an'ka

I agree with the others in that you are taking on a whole lot of unnecessary responsibility (I understand that it is by choice), and yes, you are trying to control. In my humble opinion, interventions, even when done by a professional, are pretty useless, because the person is typically not ready to give up their addiction. In fact, I can see how it can do more damage than good because a complete stranger is thrust into a family circle and is trying to give advice. If I was an addict, I'd get angry real fast and then good luck talking me into anything. Again, in my humble opinion.

What I would do, and have done, in your situation is inform your A partner about the treatment program(s) and let him choose the course of action. There are payment options for those with low or no income, there are also free programs, as someone mentioned earlier. If he wishes to enter, he must make all the arrangements. Please, please, stop cleaning his vomit, stop wiping his face when he gets to bed, stop making sure that he is breathing...Do I sound cold hearted? I am not. There are just some things in life that are really not our responsibility.

hope2bhappy

Interventions can be tricky. If you go forward with this intervention, I urge you to make your decision BEFORE you do it, not after. Have your plan in place and stick to it. Otherwise, you are wasting your energy. If you still have to "decide" what you are going to do, then I don't think you are ready to stage this show down.