Zoey

Agree denny, we loved them warts and all. maybe didn't like it, but we cared, cared too much.

Nuudawn

I'm starting to wonder how much I truly "cared"...and its scaring me. I think I am learning to care more in recovery and detachment than I ever did when I was with my efAbf. Desperately attached..yes...I cared and loved...but my attachment and need for him truly got in the way of my love for him.

Tallgrl230

Hi mallow, Thanks for that imput and I appreciate the fact that you were objective and pointed out that maybe he is correct. Yes, I am often late and I really should work on that (I totally agree!). The other stuff is made up in his head. I tried to explain in that post that these are claims he's making and he has sadly distorted the truth. The man who is a friend isn't interested in me at all, my husband is just saying that to find fault in me.
He does this "list" thing when he's confronted. 8 months ago I asked him why we weren't "physically intimate" in the last couple months...he said he resents that I don't iron his clothes and make dinner every night. I tried to please him and did TONS of ironing and cooked every night. He didn't change in anyway. After I left him he told me he made those things up because he know he was an alcoholic and didn't want to have to tell me that's why he isn't interested in sex. I'm not falling for that again.

Tallgrl230

Denny,
That was my point...I refuse to make changes when I am being emotionally blackmailed. He has claimed many times in the past that he can't show love or be intimate with me because of my flaws. Even when I completely meet his demands he finds more faults in me. He was very rude and belittling when he gave me this list.
Again, the male friend isn't interested in me and I have quit speaking with him weeks ago to appease my husband.
I'm trying SO HARD to focus on my recovery in Al-Anon and not focus on his shortcomings anymore. I've been pretty good about biting my tongue since I started Al-anon 6 weeks ago, so I guess I was just blown away when he tried to force me to change.

Pick-a-name

I understand more now.........btdt......

Keep posting and working on your own recovery.....probably he is trying the old controls hoping they will "deflect" your attention back to him and "the dance". Keep going to your meetings,etc.

Sorry this is so frustrating and difficult.......pamper yourself a little today (and every day!)

mallowcup

Cooking every night and ironing would imply he'd like a traditional wife, tell him a traditional wife deserves a traditional husband. June Cleaver never hauled Ward out of the flower bed.

denny57

One day I woke up and realized I had become someone I didn't know or like, all in an effort to meet AH's demands for staying in the marriage.

I promise you, it will NEVER end if you try to abide by his rules. Stick with the meetings for you and let him find his way. One week is not sober; it is merely not drinking. Probably doesn't feel very good so you're taking the hits.

Keep venting, it really helps.