Alcoholic In-Laws and Children
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: tupelo, ms
Posts: 8
Alcoholic In-Laws and Children
hi everyone,
my wife and i have read alot on these boards lately, and there's alot that resonates true with us. a couple months ago, my 13yo daughter was caught skipping school. the kids she was with were 16 and 17 yo, and have drug habits. we got a home drug test, which came up positive for thc, and when asked who she had been around smoking dope, she said her mamaw. that same evening, i called the people who make the test, they said it can be positive falsely because of certain combinations of other meds (she has taken some due to a torn acl in her knee as a cheerleader) and to get a full blood panel done. we did that the very same evening and, thankfully, it came back perfectly clean.
we found out alot that day- that despite all the promises they have made over the years, they still havent stopped drinking and smoking dope in front of our children. we have 4- 2 13 year old girls, an 8 year old girl, and a 5 year old boy. each time, we have listened to their promises (my wife is very close with her mom), but they have basically just given us lip service. my wife has alot of horror stories about growing up in this environment all her life. she says she is so tired of being the adult in their relationship. anyway, we also found out they had been giving one of the 13 yo cigarettes and smoking with them.
we put our foot down, and will not allow them to spend the night in their house (there is also alot of domestic abuse history there). we told them we loved them, they could see the kids anytime, as long as we are there, but until they goto counselling and get help, no more trusting them with the kids. it has been crazy at times since, and worse on my wife. since they are so close, she has weak moments where she wants to give into their calling and saying they have changed, and they are very manipulative to her and play on her feelings HEAVILY. her mother is constantly calling her when im at work, saying how wrong we are for taking the kids away, how we need to take care of our own house first, and constantly calling the girls cell phones and saying the same thing.
she says they wont come over to see the kids because they dont feel welcome at my home because of me, and the other day one of my 13 yo (the one that smokes with her) told me she hated me for doing this to her.
this is a new place for us to be in, as we are just now waking up and realizing how bad alcoholism is. my mother was is alcoholic, but she abandoned me when i was 9 months old, and my grandparents raised me (they are my superheroes!) and provided a very loving home for me. so i realized at an early age what it can do, but at the same time, ive never really been around full blown alcoholics and seen the devastation and chaos it can cause.
when my daughter told me she hated me, i sat her down and told her it was ok to hate me, but nothing changes the fact that she is my girl and i love her. i also told her that we needed her help in this, that her grandparents are getting older and living on borrowed time due to the alcohol and dope, and that we were trying to help waken that inner strength to get help by letting them hit rock bottom and prove we dont agree with how they are living. and she can be part of the solution, or continue being part of the problem. i dont think it sunk in, and that hurts, but i have no other choice.
i have set up family counselling for us, it starts tuesday. we invited her mother and step father to go with us, but they said we need it alot more than they do, and that God knows they have changed. but they have said the same thing and promised the same thing hundreds of times in the past.
\
to date, they still say it is us that needs the help, not them.
there's so much more to this, but im tired of typing right now.
thanks very much for listening.
rusty
my wife and i have read alot on these boards lately, and there's alot that resonates true with us. a couple months ago, my 13yo daughter was caught skipping school. the kids she was with were 16 and 17 yo, and have drug habits. we got a home drug test, which came up positive for thc, and when asked who she had been around smoking dope, she said her mamaw. that same evening, i called the people who make the test, they said it can be positive falsely because of certain combinations of other meds (she has taken some due to a torn acl in her knee as a cheerleader) and to get a full blood panel done. we did that the very same evening and, thankfully, it came back perfectly clean.
we found out alot that day- that despite all the promises they have made over the years, they still havent stopped drinking and smoking dope in front of our children. we have 4- 2 13 year old girls, an 8 year old girl, and a 5 year old boy. each time, we have listened to their promises (my wife is very close with her mom), but they have basically just given us lip service. my wife has alot of horror stories about growing up in this environment all her life. she says she is so tired of being the adult in their relationship. anyway, we also found out they had been giving one of the 13 yo cigarettes and smoking with them.
we put our foot down, and will not allow them to spend the night in their house (there is also alot of domestic abuse history there). we told them we loved them, they could see the kids anytime, as long as we are there, but until they goto counselling and get help, no more trusting them with the kids. it has been crazy at times since, and worse on my wife. since they are so close, she has weak moments where she wants to give into their calling and saying they have changed, and they are very manipulative to her and play on her feelings HEAVILY. her mother is constantly calling her when im at work, saying how wrong we are for taking the kids away, how we need to take care of our own house first, and constantly calling the girls cell phones and saying the same thing.
she says they wont come over to see the kids because they dont feel welcome at my home because of me, and the other day one of my 13 yo (the one that smokes with her) told me she hated me for doing this to her.
this is a new place for us to be in, as we are just now waking up and realizing how bad alcoholism is. my mother was is alcoholic, but she abandoned me when i was 9 months old, and my grandparents raised me (they are my superheroes!) and provided a very loving home for me. so i realized at an early age what it can do, but at the same time, ive never really been around full blown alcoholics and seen the devastation and chaos it can cause.
when my daughter told me she hated me, i sat her down and told her it was ok to hate me, but nothing changes the fact that she is my girl and i love her. i also told her that we needed her help in this, that her grandparents are getting older and living on borrowed time due to the alcohol and dope, and that we were trying to help waken that inner strength to get help by letting them hit rock bottom and prove we dont agree with how they are living. and she can be part of the solution, or continue being part of the problem. i dont think it sunk in, and that hurts, but i have no other choice.
i have set up family counselling for us, it starts tuesday. we invited her mother and step father to go with us, but they said we need it alot more than they do, and that God knows they have changed. but they have said the same thing and promised the same thing hundreds of times in the past.
\
to date, they still say it is us that needs the help, not them.
there's so much more to this, but im tired of typing right now.
thanks very much for listening.
rusty
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi rusty, and welcome to SR.
I'm glad you are not allowing your kids to be alone with their grandparents anymore. I wonder if your in-laws realize that what they are doing is child abuse...and that they are breaking the law by giving a child cigarettes.
Going to counseling is a good idea and I also recommend some Alanon meetings where you will learn from others how to set boundaries and to establish rules for your family that will protect the kids.
Coming here to SR and reading all you can about this disease can only help you too...even if it's information you may already know about, reading helps me to take the actions that are sometimes hard to do but necessary.
I don't see how any contact with grandparents who demean you as a parent and encourage disrespect in you child...can be good. I would not allow my children around their grandparents when they were verbally abusive or neglected them in any way. Your children come first, not your in-laws.
Your teenagers are old enough to attend Alanon... that might be a good thing for them to try and learn about what happens to people who are addicted/alcoholic.
I'm glad you posted and soon there will be others who will come by and share.
I'm glad you are not allowing your kids to be alone with their grandparents anymore. I wonder if your in-laws realize that what they are doing is child abuse...and that they are breaking the law by giving a child cigarettes.
Going to counseling is a good idea and I also recommend some Alanon meetings where you will learn from others how to set boundaries and to establish rules for your family that will protect the kids.
Coming here to SR and reading all you can about this disease can only help you too...even if it's information you may already know about, reading helps me to take the actions that are sometimes hard to do but necessary.
I don't see how any contact with grandparents who demean you as a parent and encourage disrespect in you child...can be good. I would not allow my children around their grandparents when they were verbally abusive or neglected them in any way. Your children come first, not your in-laws.
Your teenagers are old enough to attend Alanon... that might be a good thing for them to try and learn about what happens to people who are addicted/alcoholic.
I'm glad you posted and soon there will be others who will come by and share.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: tupelo, ms
Posts: 8
cmc,
it means so much for you to reply. we have looked for support for this for a long time. it helps to know there is a caring spirit here. there has been much praying for a breakthrough to happen.
i am going to look up alanon meetings, too. it is a decision hard-reached, but my family is in recovery right now, also, i guess.
it means so much for you to reply. we have looked for support for this for a long time. it helps to know there is a caring spirit here. there has been much praying for a breakthrough to happen.
i am going to look up alanon meetings, too. it is a decision hard-reached, but my family is in recovery right now, also, i guess.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
There is so much support here... you will be amazed!
WE don't ever have to suffer alone...and then we can learn how to live a better life by sharing with others who have gone before us and also from the newcomer... What YOU have shared so far will be read by others and help them too!
I'm so happy you are heading in a good direction.
Here's a link to help you find an Alanon meeting:
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetings/a/blananon.htm
WE don't ever have to suffer alone...and then we can learn how to live a better life by sharing with others who have gone before us and also from the newcomer... What YOU have shared so far will be read by others and help them too!
I'm so happy you are heading in a good direction.
Here's a link to help you find an Alanon meeting:
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetings/a/blananon.htm
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Hi Rusty. Welcome. I think Alanon and alateen is a great idea. Alcoholism runs in the family. The kids love mamaw. You can't change her but you can educate yor kids. I think they would learn that your actions are because you want the best for them and mamaw, you don't hate her. Right now, you are just being mean to mamaw. You don't know her like they do. I also think the girls are old enough to be learning some really important stuff about choices.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi rusty, and welcome aboard
you are spot on about the children and unsupervised visits with the children. my lands....a grandparent contributing these things!!!! not good.
you know, you might take some of the wind out of their sails by allowing supervised visits at your home. that way, you can be in control of the contact and the contents of that contact.
i hope things work out for your family. living with the effects of alcoholism are tremendously damaging.
you are spot on about the children and unsupervised visits with the children. my lands....a grandparent contributing these things!!!! not good.
you know, you might take some of the wind out of their sails by allowing supervised visits at your home. that way, you can be in control of the contact and the contents of that contact.
i hope things work out for your family. living with the effects of alcoholism are tremendously damaging.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: tupelo, ms
Posts: 8
thanks all for the comments. embraced, we have invited them many times now, and they say they feel unwelcome. that if we dont trust them alone with the kids, they dont want to see them, basically.
one thing came to mind the other day, and i think it is true: people who spend their entire lives running from problems by drinking and dope, are still emotionally immature because they dont know how to stare a problem in the face and learn correct coping and dealing skills. they are certainly acting immature.
one thing came to mind the other day, and i think it is true: people who spend their entire lives running from problems by drinking and dope, are still emotionally immature because they dont know how to stare a problem in the face and learn correct coping and dealing skills. they are certainly acting immature.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: detroit mi
Posts: 11
I have been in a similar situation and its not long before they are pushing the booze to the kids and then the dope I highly recommend al-ateen for the daughter even if you have to bribe her to go I have heard the magic number is six times after that she may want to continue on her own,hopefully make a friend that well help. Make it a time with her after ..go out for a burger and support her in what she is doing But you have to teach her by example so you and your wife need to attend alanon to get a better understanding.,it helped me and it has helped my daughter.I cant say how important it is to break the chain The grandparents are trying to draw the children in and practising alcoholics do not know how to raise children.They are not a positive role model in your childrens life.They well also blame you and your wife to your children and young hearts are very easily influenced. Teenage girls are hard enough at this age but throw this disease into the mix and it becomes very hard. Like I said been there done this and it broke my heart and almost my spirit Wish I would have found this board, and alanon a long time ago
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
Rusty,
You and your wife, Welcome to SR... glad you have found us here. I would like to commend you for taking the steps to protect your children. I know it seems like you are the bad guy in this, but that is because "they" are not going to see the your side of it until "they" get help. The grandparents don't feel that what they are doing is wrong because they are addicts. Your daughter doesn't feel it is wrong because she has been influenced by, first her grandparents (trusted adults) and second by the drug (cigeretts or other) and it's "good times". She hasn't yet seen the harm what they are sharing with her.
I agree with what's been said above, getting into alanon and alateen for all the family is a great idea. The counceling should help all of you keep the communication going...and maybe will help your wife to gain strength agianst the manipulations of her family. The kids come first.
Good job!
You and your wife, Welcome to SR... glad you have found us here. I would like to commend you for taking the steps to protect your children. I know it seems like you are the bad guy in this, but that is because "they" are not going to see the your side of it until "they" get help. The grandparents don't feel that what they are doing is wrong because they are addicts. Your daughter doesn't feel it is wrong because she has been influenced by, first her grandparents (trusted adults) and second by the drug (cigeretts or other) and it's "good times". She hasn't yet seen the harm what they are sharing with her.
I agree with what's been said above, getting into alanon and alateen for all the family is a great idea. The counceling should help all of you keep the communication going...and maybe will help your wife to gain strength agianst the manipulations of her family. The kids come first.
Good job!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: tupelo, ms
Posts: 8
just an update:
my wifes mother has quit calling my wife now, after she saw that she couldnt cave her, and was going to make a stand on this issue of letting the kids be around them unsupervised. she (i think) is trying to punish us with her silence to make us give in. she left a voicemail on the girls cell phones saying how she loved them and NOBODY could tell them any different, she doesnt understand that nobody has said anything even close to that.
right now, we are focusing on us- we went to christian based counseling last tuesday evening, my wife and children and i- i think it helped our children to hear it from someone else that what we are doing is trying to protect them from a bad situation.
i still really dont understand how alcoholics deny they have a problem, when all around them is total chaos.
please remember our family in your prayers.
my wifes mother has quit calling my wife now, after she saw that she couldnt cave her, and was going to make a stand on this issue of letting the kids be around them unsupervised. she (i think) is trying to punish us with her silence to make us give in. she left a voicemail on the girls cell phones saying how she loved them and NOBODY could tell them any different, she doesnt understand that nobody has said anything even close to that.
right now, we are focusing on us- we went to christian based counseling last tuesday evening, my wife and children and i- i think it helped our children to hear it from someone else that what we are doing is trying to protect them from a bad situation.
i still really dont understand how alcoholics deny they have a problem, when all around them is total chaos.
please remember our family in your prayers.
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