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-   -   AH is just a jerk ; sober or not (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/114717-ah-just-jerk-sober-not.html)

lilac 02-03-2007 01:09 PM

AH is just a jerk ; sober or not
 
I am beginning to think that AH's entire personality is not all from the alcohol. He was sober today as could be and hurt my feelings sooo badly.
He said he didn't know what was keeping him around this town anymore, he might as well go back up home where he is from. That hurt.

Of course, I flew off at the mouth and said something nasty about what kind of bimbo he could enjoy his life with there.

I feel like this may have been good for me, because I feel like a little more of my heart died when he said that. The anger seems to move me along easier than him being nice.

Sorry to vent over something so trivial.

denny57 02-03-2007 02:21 PM

It's not trivial if it's important to you.

Are you concerned at all that if you let your heart die, it will not only be in relation to him? How did you feel inside, about yourself, after saying something nasty to him?

This was something I had to work through and it was difficult.

((()))

mallowcup 02-03-2007 03:17 PM

That may have been your cue to beg him to stay or it was just a reminder that you need him. cough. Life is always better somewhere else right? It's always better with someone else. right? The worst part is that I think they may believe it.
That was just a mean thing for him to say. It was meant to be mean. It was meant to make you hurt. The ability to hurt someone is a pathetic form of power, some would call it evil. Its one thing to be drunk and foolish, it's another to be exilerated by causing someone else pain. Life brings enough. There's one thing I feel fairly certain of, his mood has nothing to do with you.

lilac 02-03-2007 05:01 PM

Denny, thanks for pointing that out , I do need to work on sooo much right now.

Mallowcup, thanks for helping me put it into perspective. It helps so much.

mallowcup 02-03-2007 05:06 PM

Well, I understand this kind of exhaustion. It takes everything you've got and that's the thanks for it. You go so far out of your way not to hurt him and i'm sure you can't imagine trying to make someone feel the way that made you feel. What hurts so much today eventually will become like a tired old song, at least I hope so.

embraced2000 02-03-2007 05:08 PM

lilac....i understand how this feels. my xh was just as bad sober as he was drunk the past few years as his alcoholism progressed. he would say the most hurtful and downright nasty things.

i think it is because they are so unhappy with themselves. i always tried to imagine my x saying those things to himself, because i believed that is what he was doing....projecting his own anger and hurt.

love to you

hey....we're not too far away from each other lilac!!!! i live in extreme southern indiana....about 20 miles from the state line of ky.

sketscher 02-03-2007 05:10 PM

I don't believe being technically sober counts as healthy in mind or body. At least that's what I've learned here and what professionals say. A person must be in recovery before they break free of the alcoholic personality.

Like people say here "hurting people, hurt people".

lilac 02-03-2007 05:17 PM

You guys are right. He has issues that are there whether sober or not.

I am sooo exhausted right now because of this and everything else that has happened to this point.

Tomorrow is another day, and I know what I need to do. Keep working on me and moving forward (and away from AH)

Embraced, you are sooo close to here. Not to whine, but I can't take much more of these sub - zero temps. I don't usually mind the cold, at 40 degrees, I usually don't even wear a coat, but these negative temps....BRRRRR!!!

Dolorosa 02-03-2007 05:21 PM

Ugh. I hear you. My ex-AH used to say very hurtful things to me. He knew exactly how to push my buttons, and knew what hurt me the most. It's all craziness -especially when they are always playing the victim. They don't seem to have any trouble victimizing US. It's madness, I tell ya! (((HUGS)))

newenglandgirl 02-04-2007 07:04 AM


Originally Posted by lilac (Post 1197320)
The anger seems to move me along easier than him being nice.

I know exactly what you mean.
I've gotten now to the point where I WISH and HOPE he will be mean because it helps me stay away.

And I've been thinking too about my AH's personality...I am thinking about how much I put up with. How I always clung to his "potential", how I always excused his wrongs...maybe after all, he's just a jerk. But then there's those sweet moments that I can remember that I lived for. Always hoping and thinking that he'd snap out of his "funk" and be the man he really was. Asking myself why those moments were enough for me...why I put up with the rest.

StandingStrong 02-04-2007 08:59 AM

Lilac, I've come to realize too that my XAH's personality is still crappy even when he's not drinking. Granted, he's not sober minded as he doesn't choose recovery - and I've learned alot here about the subject of being "Dry Drunk".
After years of abusing alcohol, his personality is different. He is not the man that I married.

minuet 02-04-2007 09:35 AM


Originally Posted by lilac (Post 1197320)
I am beginning to think that AH's entire personality is not all from the alcohol. He was sober today as could be and hurt my feelings sooo badly.
He said he didn't know what was keeping him around this town anymore, he might as well go back up home where he is from. That hurt.

Of course, I flew off at the mouth and said something nasty about what kind of bimbo he could enjoy his life with there.

I feel like this may have been good for me, because I feel like a little more of my heart died when he said that. The anger seems to move me along easier than him being nice.

Sorry to vent over something so trivial.

Lilac,

Hi. No, that's not your imagination.
I thought I would have to get to know J all over again.

He was a jerk on or off alcohol.

susan

denny57 02-04-2007 10:19 AM


Originally Posted by newenglandgirl (Post 1198052)
But then there's those sweet moments that I can remember that I lived for. Always hoping and thinking that he'd snap out of his "funk" and be the man he really was. Asking myself why those moments were enough for me...why I put up with the rest.

In my case, it was because I thought I was only worth the crumbs. I now believe I'm worth the whole loaf; maybe next year it'll be a bakery.


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