Crumbs

I moved out Three weeks ago and we have not talked very much since I left. Except for the occasional argument. I got a message from him this morning that he wanted to meet me for breakfast tomorrow. I am so confused. I want to see him because I am feeling lonely and sad but I know in my heart that it is not really a good idea. I am afraid that if I see him I am going to want to go back home and we will return to the way of life that we had that made me so unhappy. The problem is that I cannot really remember how unhappy I was. Everyone keeps telling me that I was so miserable but I keep thinking maybe it was better than I thought that it was. Why am I doing this to myself. HE is not addressing the alcohol and keeps saying to me " Well If I stopped drinking would you come home" The bottom line is that he really does know the answer to this questions. Why does he do that. Then he says that he is not sure if he has a drinking problem and I am feeling unsure as well. Why am I so unsure of my own thoughts and feelings. I thought that I was stronger than this.

angelonmyshould

I know I thought I was stronger than everything, too.

If your heart is telling you that it is not a good idea listen to it. Your heart remebers how unhappy you were. I wish that I had listened to my heart a few years ago. My AH can home after I kicked him out and said he had stopped drinking. But, what really happened was he found a new place to drink and hid it from me and the kids. Boy, did I feel stupid when I got a phone call that he was being taken to jail for a second DUI. I didn't know he was drinking again. And my heart broke. I couldn't trust him, I couldn't love him.

At almost all the open AA meetings I go to the speaker will tell you that they would lie, manipulate, and do anything to have that drink and the enabler in their lives. They did not realize that they were hurting anyone but themselves. I caould see all that in my AH.

But remember this too - You didn't CAUSE it- can't CONTROL it - And you can't CURE it.

parentrecovers

just sending encouragement. if you need more time, please take it. blessings, k

denny57

I would find an Al-Anon meeting to attend instead of the breakfast.

((()))

mallowcup

I think you are unsure because as long as you are unsure, it is a wonderful thought to entertain that maybe there is no problem, maybe it's just you overreacting. I think this is a very common feeling when you have left. You miss home. You miss the comfort of familiar surroundings, your stuff, your life. As far as having breakfast, I guess that's your call. There is nothing wrong with talking, setting boundaries, having a bite to eat and going your seperate ways. You really have many more options than you realize. You can tell him you are going to attend alanon and in 3 months or 6 months or a year, the two of you can see where things are at. I'd get a few alanon meetings under my belt first. Get some help with particular boundaries, get some experienced insight.

Cynay

I remember how easy it is to fall back into to that when you are feeling lonely and sad...

When this happens with me I just get busy.... a hobbie, meeting, reading etc.... call a friend that knew you when you were with him and chat with them about how it was and what your thinking. In Al-anon we have sponsors that we call to help us out when we are feeling weak.

There is a reason you left hon, if your not feeling emotionally seperate from him and that seeing him will not set you back then dont go. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and just saying "NO" Im not ready to see you.

Crumbs

Everything you are all saying makes sense and the logical side of my brain says that I am not ready to have breakfast but I am always so worried about hurting him. I am always worried about making him happy at my own expense. I am only 27 years old and would like to think that I have my whole life ahead of me and I do not need to be in a situation with a man that does not make me feel special and is not willing to deal with his issues but I am always doubting myself. How do you really know when someone is an alcoholic?

mallowcup

I think if alcohol hurts you in any way, if it always goes back to alcohol, it's a problem. What you say is true, you are young and you don't have your whole life ahead of you. We all do. We all have however long we have left. You don't have to see him, if you have something you want to say, write him a letter. I would still hold off, attend some meetings, do some reading. I think what you have said here is very poinient. Why not start with that.

denny57

It doesn't matter if he is alcoholic. What matters is his drinking is a problem for you. You do have your whole life ahead of you. As do I. It's my choice what I'm going to do with it.

((()))

Crumbs

It doesn't matter if he is alcoholic. What matters is his drinking is a problem for you. You do have your whole life ahead of you. As do I. It's my choice what I'm going to do with it.

I love that! Put a big smile on my face for the first time today. Thank you for that. You are right it was a problem for me and I am ok with that. I think

Astro

As an alcoholic in recovery it pains me to hear an active alcoholic put stipulations and conditions on his or her sobriety. Even if you did come home, his mental obsession to drink won't stop and he'll return to it stronger than ever. Please don't be drawn back in by promises he can't keep. We truly do lie, manipulate, and grasp at straws to keep the enabler in our life, right up to the last minute.

He's not sure if he has a drinking problem, and you're not either? Trust me, if either of you have even kicked the idea around, chances are very good that he does have an issue with alcoholism. Normal drinkers in normal relationships don't even contemplate whether they have a problem or not.

I drink, I have problems with relationships and life, therefore I am an alcoholic.

Scott