He's in so much trouble
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
He's in so much trouble
I've been posting less since the exAH-gets-arrested saga. It's been very difficult to watch it unfold despite my attempts to stay detached.
First of all he asked his therapist of 10 years, a woman he thought cared a lot about him, to write a letter to the court. The letter she wrote was hurtful and totally inappropriate. He realizes now he was just "a deal" to her, a client. It's been hard watching him deal with that.
Second while it's possible that he'll just get a long probation, it is also possible that he will go to jail. The only thing that's still going well for him is his work and if he's sentenced to weeks or months in jail then he will lose his job too.
He said he's drawn a judge who's known to be very hard on DWIs.
He's also afraid they may upgrade the charges to aggravated DWI which would mean *gulp* mandatory state prison time. It's not all that likely because, believe it or not that law is new and there was a typo in it when it was published to D.A.s cannot use it until it's fixed. But it's still looming there like a terrible threat.
I've written a lot of angry things about this man, but there are some things that are very true: He never cheated, didn't go to bars, didn't abuse me or my son, was a great provider. The thought of him being punished so harshly just breaks my heart no matter how much he has it coming. I just needed to tell you guys how sad I am for him.
I know, one of you is going to ask me why I'm so wrapped up in what's going on with him. It's because no matter what difficulites we went through, I never wanted it to end in such a horrible, horrible way. Please pray for him if you're the praying type.
First of all he asked his therapist of 10 years, a woman he thought cared a lot about him, to write a letter to the court. The letter she wrote was hurtful and totally inappropriate. He realizes now he was just "a deal" to her, a client. It's been hard watching him deal with that.
Second while it's possible that he'll just get a long probation, it is also possible that he will go to jail. The only thing that's still going well for him is his work and if he's sentenced to weeks or months in jail then he will lose his job too.
He said he's drawn a judge who's known to be very hard on DWIs.
He's also afraid they may upgrade the charges to aggravated DWI which would mean *gulp* mandatory state prison time. It's not all that likely because, believe it or not that law is new and there was a typo in it when it was published to D.A.s cannot use it until it's fixed. But it's still looming there like a terrible threat.
I've written a lot of angry things about this man, but there are some things that are very true: He never cheated, didn't go to bars, didn't abuse me or my son, was a great provider. The thought of him being punished so harshly just breaks my heart no matter how much he has it coming. I just needed to tell you guys how sad I am for him.
I know, one of you is going to ask me why I'm so wrapped up in what's going on with him. It's because no matter what difficulites we went through, I never wanted it to end in such a horrible, horrible way. Please pray for him if you're the praying type.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by WantsOut 
The letter she wrote was hurtful and totally inappropriate. He realizes now he was just "a deal" to her, a client. It's been hard watching him deal with that.
That can be hard watchng him deal with as well. It can be hard watching any one we love go through anything that is tough on them....BUT...
Some times when others go through tough things that is what is needed for them to see the truth.
I will pray but you may not like my prayer.
I would ask that the Lord provide him with what is needed to have his eyes opened and where the Lord knows what is best...that could mean jail time.
I will pray that no matter what happens with him that the Lord help you accept what may be and He see you through this whole issue and help you stay at peace no matter what comes.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I know its not easy, believe me, I didn't want my ex to go to prison. But, it had to happen. Maybe this will be his bottom, maybe he will now turn his life around.
He created the situation, all by himself.
I will pray that whatever the outcome is, that he will finally wake up and start fighting his addiction as hard as he is fighting the result of the addiction.
He created the situation, all by himself.
I will pray that whatever the outcome is, that he will finally wake up and start fighting his addiction as hard as he is fighting the result of the addiction.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
wantsout.....you probably will not like what i'm going to say....please know it is said with love and understanding.
i know how crappy this feels....i felt this way too, until i was able to detach.
now....have you ever thought of looking at this from a different angle??? what about being grateful that he didn't kill anyone while driving drunk? what about being grateful that he didn't kill your son while driving drunk? or someone elses loved one? what about being grateful that he wasn't killed in this accident?
hon, he is exactly where he should be.....dealing with his consequences, and thank god, everyone is still alive.
i can promise you, if someone under the influence ever harmed, or caused one the death of one of my loved ones, i would go after them like ducks on a june bug. he was very selfish (and sick) to drive while intoxicated. it was like a big crap shoot every time he drove drunk.
i understand you may not agree with the therapists letter or how harsh the laws are going to be for him. it does not matter if he is a good person, good father, never abusive, always provided........the therapist and the law do not feel love for your husband and make excuses for him like you do.
wantsout, i do know how hard it is to watch a loved one in trouble.....but who put them there?[/B] alcoholism is progressive.....even if you were to rush to his aide and clean up this mess, i promise you, that another would surely follow if he didn't get sober and get serious about it all.
i will pray for your husband. my prayers are never specific....i have learned never to ask for things....i just say thank you's and god's will be done.
oh wantsout....i have so been where you are. it was hell. i am sorry you are dealing with this. i had to let go. it was painful, hurtful. but i had to do it.
love to you
jeri
i know how crappy this feels....i felt this way too, until i was able to detach.
now....have you ever thought of looking at this from a different angle??? what about being grateful that he didn't kill anyone while driving drunk? what about being grateful that he didn't kill your son while driving drunk? or someone elses loved one? what about being grateful that he wasn't killed in this accident?
hon, he is exactly where he should be.....dealing with his consequences, and thank god, everyone is still alive.
i can promise you, if someone under the influence ever harmed, or caused one the death of one of my loved ones, i would go after them like ducks on a june bug. he was very selfish (and sick) to drive while intoxicated. it was like a big crap shoot every time he drove drunk.
i understand you may not agree with the therapists letter or how harsh the laws are going to be for him. it does not matter if he is a good person, good father, never abusive, always provided........the therapist and the law do not feel love for your husband and make excuses for him like you do.
wantsout, i do know how hard it is to watch a loved one in trouble.....but who put them there?[/B] alcoholism is progressive.....even if you were to rush to his aide and clean up this mess, i promise you, that another would surely follow if he didn't get sober and get serious about it all.
i will pray for your husband. my prayers are never specific....i have learned never to ask for things....i just say thank you's and god's will be done.
oh wantsout....i have so been where you are. it was hell. i am sorry you are dealing with this. i had to let go. it was painful, hurtful. but i had to do it.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hanging In There
Posts: 87
I have posted much about the last big thing that happened, but not much about the things that happened in the years proceeding.
All those past issues, of things T did made me so angry and I wanted him to deal with the consequences on my terms. If it didn't happen the way I wanted it to - I "attached" myself to it. I still find it hard sometimes to determine which things I should detach from and which ones I shouldn't.
When I get confused, I ask at alanon or I ask here, someone always says the right thing to help me put things in the proper perspective.
I have read many of your posts and you seem to be a strong person, even though it hurs for you to watch this, you will find your way through this one too.
All those past issues, of things T did made me so angry and I wanted him to deal with the consequences on my terms. If it didn't happen the way I wanted it to - I "attached" myself to it. I still find it hard sometimes to determine which things I should detach from and which ones I shouldn't.
When I get confused, I ask at alanon or I ask here, someone always says the right thing to help me put things in the proper perspective.
I have read many of your posts and you seem to be a strong person, even though it hurs for you to watch this, you will find your way through this one too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Looking back, my husband got lots of chances. He was spared a serious consequence. He has spent the night in jail but that's about it. He's lost his license and got it back. His drinking is about the only constant. He has gotten old enough now that his drinking shows, you can see it and feel it. I have prayed and paid his way out to spare him serious jail time. I may regret that now. I don't know if it would have changed things, but I know all the chances haven't changed things. I swear it is harder on loved ones than anyone. If I could go to jail for him, I probably would. He'd be in the bar telling everyone about it by dinner time. I refuse to believe that God is going to leave us all here at the bottom for being kind and caring to someone that has no one else anymore. That's where I'm at right now. God, what do you want me to do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Honolulu
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by embraced2000
wantsout.....you probably will not like what i'm going to say....please know it is said with love and understanding.
i know how crappy this feels....i felt this way too, until i was able to detach.
now....have you ever thought of looking at this from a different angle??? what about being grateful that he didn't kill anyone while driving drunk? what about being grateful that he didn't kill your son while driving drunk? or someone elses loved one? what about being grateful that he wasn't killed in this accident?
hon, he is exactly where he should be.....dealing with his consequences, and thank god, everyone is still alive.
i can promise you, if someone under the influence ever harmed, or caused one the death of one of my loved ones, i would go after them like ducks on a june bug. he was very selfish (and sick) to drive while intoxicated. it was like a big crap shoot every time he drove drunk.
i understand you may not agree with the therapists letter or how harsh the laws are going to be for him. it does not matter if he is a good person, good father, never abusive, always provided........the therapist and the law do not feel love for your husband and make excuses for him like you do.
wantsout, i do know how hard it is to watch a loved one in trouble.....but who put them there?[/B] alcoholism is progressive.....even if you were to rush to his aide and clean up this mess, i promise you, that another would surely follow if he didn't get sober and get serious about it all.
i will pray for your husband. my prayers are never specific....i have learned never to ask for things....i just say thank you's and god's will be done.
oh wantsout....i have so been where you are. it was hell. i am sorry you are dealing with this. i had to let go. it was painful, hurtful. but i had to do it.
love to you
jeri
i know how crappy this feels....i felt this way too, until i was able to detach.
now....have you ever thought of looking at this from a different angle??? what about being grateful that he didn't kill anyone while driving drunk? what about being grateful that he didn't kill your son while driving drunk? or someone elses loved one? what about being grateful that he wasn't killed in this accident?
hon, he is exactly where he should be.....dealing with his consequences, and thank god, everyone is still alive.
i can promise you, if someone under the influence ever harmed, or caused one the death of one of my loved ones, i would go after them like ducks on a june bug. he was very selfish (and sick) to drive while intoxicated. it was like a big crap shoot every time he drove drunk.
i understand you may not agree with the therapists letter or how harsh the laws are going to be for him. it does not matter if he is a good person, good father, never abusive, always provided........the therapist and the law do not feel love for your husband and make excuses for him like you do.
wantsout, i do know how hard it is to watch a loved one in trouble.....but who put them there?[/B] alcoholism is progressive.....even if you were to rush to his aide and clean up this mess, i promise you, that another would surely follow if he didn't get sober and get serious about it all.
i will pray for your husband. my prayers are never specific....i have learned never to ask for things....i just say thank you's and god's will be done.
oh wantsout....i have so been where you are. it was hell. i am sorry you are dealing with this. i had to let go. it was painful, hurtful. but i had to do it.
love to you
jeri
He's already taken two women down with him and we're struggling to get back. She's ok and I'm in contact with her.
I've had to do the hard thing and let the law deal with him since he can't do it himself and is self-destructing.
susan
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by BigGirlPanties
Isnt there something else in your life that you can focus on and wrap yourself in?
[QUOTE] I've written a lot of angry things about this man, but there are some things that are very true: He never cheated, didn't go to bars, didn't abuse me or my son, was a great provider. The thought of him being punished so harshly just breaks my heart no matter how much he has it coming. I just needed to tell you guys how sad I am for him. [QUOTE]
AH cheated, he went to bars, was verbally abusive; he also was a great provider. All of that doesn't make it any easier to see a human being in the throes of addiction suffer. I had my first day before a judge this week, and sent an email out to my friends recapping what was a very good day for me. In the email, I included this:
on a serious note, he did not look very well - puffy face and hands; some weight gain; very dark circles/bags under his eyes. he was an hour late (which had his attorney all tense) - i suspect he had a brutal morning after a more than usual sunday of drinking - . i was sad about how bad he looked. when the judge started rattling off what she was awarding me, his hands started to shake and his voice broke when he talked to her. she advised him to make himself available for all discovery and it was over. we left the courtroom and he sprinted for the elevators. i'm satisfied with how it went; but i am very sad that in the end this is what it has come down to.
one of our friends wrote back: I hope he can find a way out of his darkness.
Try to think of it not as his punishment, but a chance at real recovery. Try not to be sad, but glad he has the opportunity to get his life in order. His choice.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 15
Dwi
Wantsout,
my ABF was arrested two years ago for a DWI, he drove his brand new car off a freeway ramp going about 65 or more. This was not a great experience. Although, it was a blessing.
This is what got him to realize that his actions have consequences. Before, he thought he was immune to things like this. He did spend the night in jail and then had to do 40 hours of community service, along with a special program to work on his alcoholism. He lost his drivers licence for almost a year, etc... his attorney was able to plead for no additional jail time. I'm just thankful that he did not kill someone or himself because of his drunk driving.
How I see it... the alcoholic needs to suffer a little. He needed to experience the results of his actions and poor judgement while he is drunk.
My ABF and I are still together after several years of heartache and pain, I have always loved him... not the alcohol or behavior. But many times I have hoped for him to fail at something while he was drunk, or for his world to be turned up side down because of his drinking. I had let him steal precious years of my life because I kept fixing things or problems he created while drunk.
In turn, all of his behaviors lead to almost rock bottom for him. I just watched him go down and stopped helping, it was sad to watch... but I do not regret not helping him with some of the problems he had, because he had to work it out himself and feel the pain of the situation. All along, I had wished he never got to that point... but there was no turning back.
my ABF was arrested two years ago for a DWI, he drove his brand new car off a freeway ramp going about 65 or more. This was not a great experience. Although, it was a blessing.
This is what got him to realize that his actions have consequences. Before, he thought he was immune to things like this. He did spend the night in jail and then had to do 40 hours of community service, along with a special program to work on his alcoholism. He lost his drivers licence for almost a year, etc... his attorney was able to plead for no additional jail time. I'm just thankful that he did not kill someone or himself because of his drunk driving.
How I see it... the alcoholic needs to suffer a little. He needed to experience the results of his actions and poor judgement while he is drunk.
My ABF and I are still together after several years of heartache and pain, I have always loved him... not the alcohol or behavior. But many times I have hoped for him to fail at something while he was drunk, or for his world to be turned up side down because of his drinking. I had let him steal precious years of my life because I kept fixing things or problems he created while drunk.
In turn, all of his behaviors lead to almost rock bottom for him. I just watched him go down and stopped helping, it was sad to watch... but I do not regret not helping him with some of the problems he had, because he had to work it out himself and feel the pain of the situation. All along, I had wished he never got to that point... but there was no turning back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
((((wantsout))))
You have such a loving heart. Of course you don't want to see your AH punished unreasonably. I understand your sadness....
Will be thinking of you and praying for the best outcome for you both.
Peace to you~
GHM
You have such a loving heart. Of course you don't want to see your AH punished unreasonably. I understand your sadness....
Will be thinking of you and praying for the best outcome for you both.
Peace to you~
GHM
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
My xABF has had 3 DUIs (all within a year). He's been to jail. He still drives drunk. If he gets a 4th its a mandatory 1 year in jail. I pray for him to get caught every time I know he's driving...not only for HIM but for ME. Maybe that's what it will take for me to finally let him go.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 21
dui
I have experienced the consequences of driving drunk...which have been pretty minor considering what could have happenned. It wasn't until i stopped feeling sorry for myself and looked at what i had become, that i started to address my drinking issues. My wife calls my arrest a blessing; it opened my eyes. I have not had a drink since that night in Nov, 06 and am working hard at changing my life. Frankly, it has taken the sting out of what happenned and given me a mission to improve my life and my family's life. It is truly wonderful to not think about the next drink and deal with life...with all of its imperfections.
i beleive the only solution to legal problems related to drinking is to stop drinking.
i beleive the only solution to legal problems related to drinking is to stop drinking.
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Hi folks-
I left here pretty mad a few days ago. I felt very sad for ex-AH and I knew all the things that are going to happen to him. I decided to show him a little support by going to court with him for one of the hearings and driving him to do a chore. It was a big mistake.
He turned into an emotional vampire - first he wanted to pay me to drive out to his apartment every day and bring him back and forth from work. Uh, no thanks. Then he wanted to move back in with me because I live closer to his work than he does. I said no again. Then he wanted to move back in for a week. Tells me he's desperate and this is the only way he can keep the last thing he still has, his job. Does he think I'm stupid? I'd never get him out of here. Then he actually asks me to drive out there and sleep with him. Wha?
Then I get a series of emails ranging from telling me how great I am, to detailing why I suck. Tells me his dad won't help him anymore, he's on his own. I am in touch with his dad and he is willing to help, just not willing to do everything for him. This is capped by a hysterical phone call which ends with him blubbering and crying in a falsetto voice, "You don't love me anymore!" I am horrifed.
I call his step-mom and tell her I can't take it anymore. I have to cut him off but I need to know that they will be there for him. She promises they will. I send him an email telling him he needs to deal with his own problems, I can't solve them for him, and I won't be in contact with him for several months.
THis triggers multiple phone calls, which I ignore, and emails which I can't help but read. The last one is a picture of our family with the caption "Won't you please come get me and take me home?"
I nearly lost it. Crying. Destroyed. He hit me where I live. I wanted to die from the sadness, the loss ...
and then something happened. I realized that it was an emotional manipulation. And it was actually a very cruel thing to do to me. He doesn't care if I suffer just as long as I give him what he wants, which is to take care of him and keep him safe from the world.
I didn't respond to any of it. And do you know what's amazing? Even without the help he said he needed from me or he'd die, he managed to find a train to get him to work. All he had to do was put a little effort into it.
I suddenly see him very darkly. Before I was angry at his alcoholism and the resulting behavior. Now I'm wondering if he hasn't been as nice a guy as I think he has. Is he manipulative on purpose? I'm not sure anymore.
I left here pretty mad a few days ago. I felt very sad for ex-AH and I knew all the things that are going to happen to him. I decided to show him a little support by going to court with him for one of the hearings and driving him to do a chore. It was a big mistake.
He turned into an emotional vampire - first he wanted to pay me to drive out to his apartment every day and bring him back and forth from work. Uh, no thanks. Then he wanted to move back in with me because I live closer to his work than he does. I said no again. Then he wanted to move back in for a week. Tells me he's desperate and this is the only way he can keep the last thing he still has, his job. Does he think I'm stupid? I'd never get him out of here. Then he actually asks me to drive out there and sleep with him. Wha?
Then I get a series of emails ranging from telling me how great I am, to detailing why I suck. Tells me his dad won't help him anymore, he's on his own. I am in touch with his dad and he is willing to help, just not willing to do everything for him. This is capped by a hysterical phone call which ends with him blubbering and crying in a falsetto voice, "You don't love me anymore!" I am horrifed.
I call his step-mom and tell her I can't take it anymore. I have to cut him off but I need to know that they will be there for him. She promises they will. I send him an email telling him he needs to deal with his own problems, I can't solve them for him, and I won't be in contact with him for several months.
THis triggers multiple phone calls, which I ignore, and emails which I can't help but read. The last one is a picture of our family with the caption "Won't you please come get me and take me home?"
I nearly lost it. Crying. Destroyed. He hit me where I live. I wanted to die from the sadness, the loss ...
and then something happened. I realized that it was an emotional manipulation. And it was actually a very cruel thing to do to me. He doesn't care if I suffer just as long as I give him what he wants, which is to take care of him and keep him safe from the world.
I didn't respond to any of it. And do you know what's amazing? Even without the help he said he needed from me or he'd die, he managed to find a train to get him to work. All he had to do was put a little effort into it.
I suddenly see him very darkly. Before I was angry at his alcoholism and the resulting behavior. Now I'm wondering if he hasn't been as nice a guy as I think he has. Is he manipulative on purpose? I'm not sure anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi wantsout.....i've missed you here.
i'm so sorry. we (the ones who love the alocholics) want so very much for them to be ok....we always think our love is enough to help the situation.
in "normal" situations, that kind of love would help, because everyone needs help from time to time, and the love can help boost that person up to continue in a healthy manner.
with our alcoholics, it is like trying to fill up an empty hole....it's never enough. it's like trying to raise the water level of the ocean by p!ssing in it....just doesn't work. that's how it's been for me, anyway.
i don't have any words of wisdom....my brain is pretty cobwebby right now....but i wanted to let you know, that i have missed you, and am sending you a big, huge hug.
love to you
jeri
i'm so sorry. we (the ones who love the alocholics) want so very much for them to be ok....we always think our love is enough to help the situation.
in "normal" situations, that kind of love would help, because everyone needs help from time to time, and the love can help boost that person up to continue in a healthy manner.
with our alcoholics, it is like trying to fill up an empty hole....it's never enough. it's like trying to raise the water level of the ocean by p!ssing in it....just doesn't work. that's how it's been for me, anyway.
i don't have any words of wisdom....my brain is pretty cobwebby right now....but i wanted to let you know, that i have missed you, and am sending you a big, huge hug.
love to you
jeri
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I realize that now. I didn't mean to be hurtful but I wanted to be supportive. You are right that he's confused and it's because my actions have been unclear. This has not been very nice of me.
But I did tell him clearly I wanted a divorce and that I am not "in love" with him anymore. I also said that maybe, after he had been sober for like a year, we could see if anything happens between us again. Conflicting. Maybe I'm not so nice myself.
But I did tell him clearly I wanted a divorce and that I am not "in love" with him anymore. I also said that maybe, after he had been sober for like a year, we could see if anything happens between us again. Conflicting. Maybe I'm not so nice myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I just don't think at this point it's fair to point the finger at him. He has shown what he is about. I now understand it wasn't AH DOING anything to me. He was in survival mode. I CHOSE to enable that.
Take care.
Take care.
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