Todays blah blah blah blog.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Todays blah blah blah blog.
Yesterday I worked from 8am till 12:30am, got home at about 1:15am and went to bed about 2am. Long day. My husband is layed off and his unemployment just came through after his worst work year ever. I've been working every hour I can and I'm pooped. I was off today and had a typical morning being glad I got those hours in as it is the first of the month and my husbands $350/wk won't make one vehicle payment, or the mortgage or the other car payment, oh and the taxes are sitting here on our house and the rental house. I think you all have the same stack sitting in front of you.
My youngest son drives our old car. They offered us $500 at trade in so we let him use instead. It has about 200,000 miles on it. My son has his own place and works. He can't afford a car. I make enough to get him a car, well I did until I had to start carrying the house.
My husband always gets layed off this time of year but he usually gets some side work. He is in the bar everyday. I'm working mostly 3-11pm but work whatever is available until he gets back to work.
Today my son called at 1pm (he had to be to work at 3pm). His roommate totalled the car. He called and needed help. (!@#$%^&!!!!). Ok.
Husband and I get i the car and go as the accident was on a road that leads straight from out house to my sons. No car along the way. It was already in my sons driveway. smashed to smithereens.
OK. My husband said it's totalled. You take son to work, you can drop me at the bar and pick me up on your way back. !@#$% OK!
I bring my son, we talk, !@##$%. Calm down. He goes into work.
I pick up husband and we head home. We talk. !@#@#$. civil.
As we are almost home, we decide we better make sure roommate isn't hurt.
I tell him I'll call. He says, would you mind dropping off at towny bar so I can check our superbowl numbers?!@#$%. OK.
I go home and call and call. Two hours later still no answer. Is he passed out? Did he go to ER? I decide to drive down the 5 or so miles to see.
I stop by the bar to tell my husband where I'm going (2 hours later after he just stopped by to check numbers)!@#$#%!
I walk in to the bar and there at the end of the bar in the corner is my husband with a married female aquaintance of ours. Facing each other, having an conversation. Everyone else including the bartender was at the other end of the bar. This woman coincidentally is my sons boss, my husband put in word and she hired my son.
I walked up and they stopped talking. My expression must have been a bit obvious. I was calm. I just said, I have been calling and calling and the roommate isnt answering, I'm driving down to make sure he is OK.
My husband started backpeddling fast. He said, oh do you want me to go with you? I said no. I said, I just didn't want you wondering where I went, I'll be right back. I turned to leave and he followed me. I was polite but pissed and exhausted.
He followed me outside and said, "now, why do you have to do me that way, what are you thinking?"
I said, What I'm thinking is while you have a wife at home, you are sitting in a bar with another woman, we have a few things going on but you seem very engrossed in an intimate conversation with someone else at the moment". He turned and went back in muttering some disgust about my behavior.
I guess I had embarassed him.
When I got back in about a half hour he was home in bed.
I said, your behavior is 100% unacceptable. He said "you are transferring everything that's happened onto me". I said, probably. I'm beat. We have a mess on our hands and my husband is cozied up with another woman at the bar. He said, you know better than to think what you are thinking. I told him I go through life straight, I dont have a 12 pack under my belt and I don't spend his dignity by sitting through the dinner hour in a bar with another man. The conversation was brief and took a stupid turn into a brief name calling and I walked away and he went back to bed.
Every once in awhile something happens when I just don't have anything left to spend on the drinking problem. I was ticked about the accident.
My son feels horrible, the roommate feels horrible, the little VW is crunched and my husband didn't spill a beer all day. I will tell you what I'm mad at most, what hurts the most. Seeing my husband having so much to say to another woman who means nothing when he knows I'm home, tick freakin tock. He will never quit drinking. I am detached from that. How do I make the "sitting in the bar with someone elses wife boundary crystal clear?" Does anyone have a clue who and what I'm mad at really? I find this disrespectful and humiliating, his behavior was just the cherry on top today.
Oh, and it's a full moon. He's sound asleep facing the wall and I'm exhausted and so mad I could spit a 2 inch nail straight through a 2x4.
My youngest son drives our old car. They offered us $500 at trade in so we let him use instead. It has about 200,000 miles on it. My son has his own place and works. He can't afford a car. I make enough to get him a car, well I did until I had to start carrying the house.
My husband always gets layed off this time of year but he usually gets some side work. He is in the bar everyday. I'm working mostly 3-11pm but work whatever is available until he gets back to work.
Today my son called at 1pm (he had to be to work at 3pm). His roommate totalled the car. He called and needed help. (!@#$%^&!!!!). Ok.
Husband and I get i the car and go as the accident was on a road that leads straight from out house to my sons. No car along the way. It was already in my sons driveway. smashed to smithereens.
OK. My husband said it's totalled. You take son to work, you can drop me at the bar and pick me up on your way back. !@#$% OK!
I bring my son, we talk, !@##$%. Calm down. He goes into work.
I pick up husband and we head home. We talk. !@#@#$. civil.
As we are almost home, we decide we better make sure roommate isn't hurt.
I tell him I'll call. He says, would you mind dropping off at towny bar so I can check our superbowl numbers?!@#$%. OK.
I go home and call and call. Two hours later still no answer. Is he passed out? Did he go to ER? I decide to drive down the 5 or so miles to see.
I stop by the bar to tell my husband where I'm going (2 hours later after he just stopped by to check numbers)!@#$#%!
I walk in to the bar and there at the end of the bar in the corner is my husband with a married female aquaintance of ours. Facing each other, having an conversation. Everyone else including the bartender was at the other end of the bar. This woman coincidentally is my sons boss, my husband put in word and she hired my son.
I walked up and they stopped talking. My expression must have been a bit obvious. I was calm. I just said, I have been calling and calling and the roommate isnt answering, I'm driving down to make sure he is OK.
My husband started backpeddling fast. He said, oh do you want me to go with you? I said no. I said, I just didn't want you wondering where I went, I'll be right back. I turned to leave and he followed me. I was polite but pissed and exhausted.
He followed me outside and said, "now, why do you have to do me that way, what are you thinking?"
I said, What I'm thinking is while you have a wife at home, you are sitting in a bar with another woman, we have a few things going on but you seem very engrossed in an intimate conversation with someone else at the moment". He turned and went back in muttering some disgust about my behavior.
I guess I had embarassed him.
When I got back in about a half hour he was home in bed.
I said, your behavior is 100% unacceptable. He said "you are transferring everything that's happened onto me". I said, probably. I'm beat. We have a mess on our hands and my husband is cozied up with another woman at the bar. He said, you know better than to think what you are thinking. I told him I go through life straight, I dont have a 12 pack under my belt and I don't spend his dignity by sitting through the dinner hour in a bar with another man. The conversation was brief and took a stupid turn into a brief name calling and I walked away and he went back to bed.
Every once in awhile something happens when I just don't have anything left to spend on the drinking problem. I was ticked about the accident.
My son feels horrible, the roommate feels horrible, the little VW is crunched and my husband didn't spill a beer all day. I will tell you what I'm mad at most, what hurts the most. Seeing my husband having so much to say to another woman who means nothing when he knows I'm home, tick freakin tock. He will never quit drinking. I am detached from that. How do I make the "sitting in the bar with someone elses wife boundary crystal clear?" Does anyone have a clue who and what I'm mad at really? I find this disrespectful and humiliating, his behavior was just the cherry on top today.
Oh, and it's a full moon. He's sound asleep facing the wall and I'm exhausted and so mad I could spit a 2 inch nail straight through a 2x4.
Last edited by mallowcup; 01-31-2007 at 08:34 PM.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I found that for myself, it all boiled down to my feeling neglected, taken for granted, and so many other emotions - all coming back to the fact that "My husband just wasn't there for me".
And when it came to anything concerning other women - I was jealous! But I think that was because of my own insecurities - which again though were brought about by the way he treated me. Which again brought about the emotions I was talking about earlier! Feeling neglected, taken for granted, unappreciated, etc.
And when it came to anything concerning other women - I was jealous! But I think that was because of my own insecurities - which again though were brought about by the way he treated me. Which again brought about the emotions I was talking about earlier! Feeling neglected, taken for granted, unappreciated, etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think you are both right. I'd love for you to elaborate. I am mad at myself, damn disappointed too. I don't want a cheap stupid garbage life and yet here I am going into his home away from home to interupt his conversation with another woman to give him an update on our crisis. That's another thing, I am sick of him blabbing our business to whoever he's parked next to.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Well mallow, you didn't ask me to elaborate - but I, too was mad at myself.
I was mad at myself for allowing someone to treat me the way they did! I was mad at myself for taking it! I was mad at myself for not having any self respect or dignity!
Looking back now, I realize that just worked all the more to his benefit. The more I had self-loathing of myself, the more I beat myself up, and the more I accepted - well, the more convenient I was for him to do as he did.
I was mad at myself for allowing someone to treat me the way they did! I was mad at myself for taking it! I was mad at myself for not having any self respect or dignity!
Looking back now, I realize that just worked all the more to his benefit. The more I had self-loathing of myself, the more I beat myself up, and the more I accepted - well, the more convenient I was for him to do as he did.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
You nailed it, mallow. I was grovelling and living a life that was everything I publicly derided. So I was caught - everyone thought I was strong, independent and not the type of woman to put up with any crap. There was a time I thought of myself that way, too.
At the end, I found myself, like you, putting myself between AH and women strangers. It made me look, and more importantly, feel like a shrew. It also made me feel like crap about myself - what was wrong with me if he wanted to pick up them? I've shared this before, but a turning point for me - one year before the marriage imploded, mind you - was when we were on a business trip and I was in my bed at the hotel and AH and another guy were several floors up with 2 pros. I spent the next 6 months or so trying to figure out what was wrong with ME. And then one day it clicked - AH was once again telling me I needed to "get over it." It was nothing and I had to understand - it "would make a great short story." To this day I do not know where the words came from but I said, this isn't about you anymore, it's about me and what I can tolerate. I shocked him into silence.
I spent the next months figuring out my fears, etc. and when AH pulled his crap once again while in Australia, I decided I had had enough.
Something I am still working through is the anger I have at myself - why did I allow myself to be treated that way by someone? It's easy to say it's self-esteem, but understanding that and working on it is anything but easy. I always thought self-esteem was a throw around pop psychology term. Ha!
What is the boundary you've set? Not to do it? Yeah, I set that boundary, too. Got me nowhere because he wasn't going to stop. Because it wasn't about what I needed - it was about what HE needed - constant female attention.
So let's say he won't stop - what will you do?
((()))
At the end, I found myself, like you, putting myself between AH and women strangers. It made me look, and more importantly, feel like a shrew. It also made me feel like crap about myself - what was wrong with me if he wanted to pick up them? I've shared this before, but a turning point for me - one year before the marriage imploded, mind you - was when we were on a business trip and I was in my bed at the hotel and AH and another guy were several floors up with 2 pros. I spent the next 6 months or so trying to figure out what was wrong with ME. And then one day it clicked - AH was once again telling me I needed to "get over it." It was nothing and I had to understand - it "would make a great short story." To this day I do not know where the words came from but I said, this isn't about you anymore, it's about me and what I can tolerate. I shocked him into silence.
I spent the next months figuring out my fears, etc. and when AH pulled his crap once again while in Australia, I decided I had had enough.
Something I am still working through is the anger I have at myself - why did I allow myself to be treated that way by someone? It's easy to say it's self-esteem, but understanding that and working on it is anything but easy. I always thought self-esteem was a throw around pop psychology term. Ha!
How do I make the "sitting in the bar with someone elses wife boundary crystal clear?"
So let's say he won't stop - what will you do?
((()))
Last edited by denny57; 01-31-2007 at 09:59 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
yup, he's sitting there with someone else and I look like the jealous shrew.
If it doesn't stop, truthfully, I'll stop loving him, when I stop loving him, I'll get a lawyer and clean his clock. I will give him the constant female attention he's looking for. Everyone has a different button, and being publicly humiliated is mine. It's money I earned that he's shoveling over the bar and tipping with.
If it doesn't stop, truthfully, I'll stop loving him, when I stop loving him, I'll get a lawyer and clean his clock. I will give him the constant female attention he's looking for. Everyone has a different button, and being publicly humiliated is mine. It's money I earned that he's shoveling over the bar and tipping with.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Mallow, I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to chime in to say I totally agree with you. It's totally unacceptable behavior. Even wanting to be dropped off at the bar is annoying, never even mind the woman.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Poplar Grove, IL
Posts: 72
OMG I have been there except the "other woman" lived on my street and would come up to my house all the time. I started calling her my husbands girlfriend until he got really mad. I would hear rumors all the time about the two of them but never actually caught them. But, then I realized something. I didn't care what he did because the ISM wouldn't let him care about me. The ISM is all powerful. Even after he got sober, I was not his main concern.
(I have been hospitalized a few times and he sits at home not caring that I am alone. One of my personal Defects of Character - Fear of being Alone.)
He did care when I started talking to other men. He then got very jealous. Not because I was talking to other men but because he was afraid of losing me THE QUEEN OF ENABLING.
Hang in there! You have been an inspiration to me with some of your other posts.
Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over it became a BUTTERFLY.
(I have been hospitalized a few times and he sits at home not caring that I am alone. One of my personal Defects of Character - Fear of being Alone.)
He did care when I started talking to other men. He then got very jealous. Not because I was talking to other men but because he was afraid of losing me THE QUEEN OF ENABLING.
Hang in there! You have been an inspiration to me with some of your other posts.
Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over it became a BUTTERFLY.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Thank You angel. The reminders of the role we play hurts doesn't it? We are handy to keep around. This morning he was quiet, I was quiet. I told him that the seat next to him belongs to me, since I quit drinking and going to bars, we don't have much in common it seems and it hurts to see that the seat has been filled. Maybe that means something to him and maybe not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
(((mallowcup))) Sorry you are hurting and distressed.....I know these feelings,too.
This thread has really been helpful for me;hope it is for you,too. Thanks for posting this.
I hope today is a better day and you can pamper yourself a bit.
This thread has really been helpful for me;hope it is for you,too. Thanks for posting this.
I hope today is a better day and you can pamper yourself a bit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
(((((mallow)))))
you'll sort it all out....yer a sharp cookie. somtimes the best thing to do is just nothing, except be real good to ourselves. get in some pamper time for you today.
it bout shattered me to find out my xh, who professed to love me beyond all eternity, ran away with another alcoholic/drug addict he met in half-way house. but at least we were divorced. i can't imagine walking in a bar and finding my husband sitting with a woman....i think you handled it with real class. altho, i can imagine how deeply it hurt you.
maybe next time, you could go home and get his dirty underwear, put it in a bag, and take it back there and hand to her....tell her she might as well get it all. oh, don't listen to me. i'm one sick puppy.
love to you
jeri
you'll sort it all out....yer a sharp cookie. somtimes the best thing to do is just nothing, except be real good to ourselves. get in some pamper time for you today.
it bout shattered me to find out my xh, who professed to love me beyond all eternity, ran away with another alcoholic/drug addict he met in half-way house. but at least we were divorced. i can't imagine walking in a bar and finding my husband sitting with a woman....i think you handled it with real class. altho, i can imagine how deeply it hurt you.
maybe next time, you could go home and get his dirty underwear, put it in a bag, and take it back there and hand to her....tell her she might as well get it all. oh, don't listen to me. i'm one sick puppy.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
mallow.....how would your husband feel if you were to quit work, and go to the bar all the time????
how would he feel if he were to come looking for you and you were sitting with a man?
i think we could pretty well guess how one would react.
you often say, why are his tears worth so much more than yours.
well, i ask......why are your feelings so much more less than his feelings?
in other words.....why is it ok for you to continually hurt, but he is at total free will to do as he pleases? if it were only alcoholism, he could drink at home.
love to you
jeri
how would he feel if he were to come looking for you and you were sitting with a man?
i think we could pretty well guess how one would react.
you often say, why are his tears worth so much more than yours.
well, i ask......why are your feelings so much more less than his feelings?
in other words.....why is it ok for you to continually hurt, but he is at total free will to do as he pleases? if it were only alcoholism, he could drink at home.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
mallowcup
(((mallowcup))) sweetie. i am new here, so forgive me if you have covered this, but.....why are YOU driving him to and from the bar and then going there to talk to him? isn't that contributing to the behavior or in a sense giving him permission to do it or enabling? what are YOU afraid will happen if you don't drive him or let him use your money?
what if you stopped being his taxi service? don't people get paid for that anyway? instead you are paying him. can you make it so he cannot use your money to drink? seperate accounts, whatever?
i will not drive my ah to the bar or let him use my money to drink. no way. i have made my ah walk miles to a bar out of town in the freezing cold (below freezing) to get his truck he left at the bar when he was too drunk to drive it (trust me, his mind was a lot clearer when he got home!!!)
you are probably scared something will happen to him if he drives. i have been there, but that is HIS responsibility, not yours. you probably think you would feel guilty, of course, but as many have said. you REALLY are not responsible. when AH was out i almost went and got him,but then i saw the police out and realized that is what they are there for. you could call them and tell them if your AH is driving.
take care hon!!! you are a strong woman. you will come through this.
what if you stopped being his taxi service? don't people get paid for that anyway? instead you are paying him. can you make it so he cannot use your money to drink? seperate accounts, whatever?
i will not drive my ah to the bar or let him use my money to drink. no way. i have made my ah walk miles to a bar out of town in the freezing cold (below freezing) to get his truck he left at the bar when he was too drunk to drive it (trust me, his mind was a lot clearer when he got home!!!)
you are probably scared something will happen to him if he drives. i have been there, but that is HIS responsibility, not yours. you probably think you would feel guilty, of course, but as many have said. you REALLY are not responsible. when AH was out i almost went and got him,but then i saw the police out and realized that is what they are there for. you could call them and tell them if your AH is driving.
take care hon!!! you are a strong woman. you will come through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
In the end I was really angry at myself. It really did no good to be angry at him. It only fed into him making a "schrew" out of me.
I realized that by allowing this behavior to go on I was really giving him the green light to continue. That old saying " Screw me over once, shame on you, Screw me over twice, shame on me" really rang true.
I eventually did fall out of love with him, as I needed to love myself and in order to do that I could no longer accept being treated this way. I was married for 23 years and went through much of what you are going through.
I know all about being so tired and trying to hold it all together.
You are on your way to better things, cause you know deep down inside what needs to happen and that is the first step.
I realized that by allowing this behavior to go on I was really giving him the green light to continue. That old saying " Screw me over once, shame on you, Screw me over twice, shame on me" really rang true.
I eventually did fall out of love with him, as I needed to love myself and in order to do that I could no longer accept being treated this way. I was married for 23 years and went through much of what you are going through.
I know all about being so tired and trying to hold it all together.
You are on your way to better things, cause you know deep down inside what needs to happen and that is the first step.
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
Mallow, from the way you describe the situation, you handled yourself (and the situation) with plenty dignity... if he says you've embarrassed him, maybe he really means that he's been caught, he knows it, and he's ashamed of himself but choosing to project onto you instead of taking his lumps like a man.
I have such huge respect for you and how you're always giving to others, especially all of us on SR, and it really burns me up to know you're being treated badly. I seriously want to kick him in the keester, for all the good that'd do.
I would recommend not driving him to the bar anymore, though. His inability to get around is hardly your problem.
I have such huge respect for you and how you're always giving to others, especially all of us on SR, and it really burns me up to know you're being treated badly. I seriously want to kick him in the keester, for all the good that'd do.
I would recommend not driving him to the bar anymore, though. His inability to get around is hardly your problem.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
