told him about 2nd alanon meeting

Old 01-29-2007, 06:45 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 25
told him about 2nd alanon meeting

My AH asked me what I was doing tonight on the phone. I told him I was going to my alanon meeting. All of a sudden things got quiet on his end. I then said to him, I need to go cuz I don't want to be focusing on him all the time with what he does. He then said whatever and hung up.

He's mad I'm going but I'm still going to go. Me and the kids need it. He must have thought going to that first alanon meeting was just a one time thing. I'm going tonight no matter how he reacts even though it's making me anxious already. I don't think he realized it affects us.
domelia is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 06:48 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
angelonmyshould's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Poplar Grove, IL
Posts: 72
My husband didn't like the fact that I was getting help for me. He needed to CONTROL what I did, by going to meetings I had CONTROL of what I did.

I am so proud of you! Sometimes these small steps make the biggest step in our lives.

Don't worry or feel guilty for helping yourself. (You'll learn that eventually.)

Big Huge HUGS!
angelonmyshould is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 06:53 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Acting not reacting
 
elizabeth1979's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Ill tell you something. My ex was threatened and thought alanon was a bunch of crap. He also thought Vodka was a major food group. So, consider the source.

The rantings of an insane person are no longer what I consider food for thought. My recovery and sanity is for me. Its none of anyone elses business whether they like it or not. My sanity comes first!
elizabeth1979 is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 07:16 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
resentful wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
Just hang in there. My ad ex asked her how long she thought it would take going to AA so he would have a time line for them. She told him " the rest of my LIFE"
resentful wife is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 07:27 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
mallowcup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think alcoholics view alanon as a "get together and bash alcoholics meetings". They don't like any source of strength or support that doesn't support them. I think they start to realize the free ride is over. They know that as long as you continue to attend, you will move further away of they don't change.
mallowcup is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 07:27 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
oh, mine didn't like it either. well, i didn't like him doing what he was doing, but i couldn't stop him. just like he couldn't stop me from going to al-anon.

i soon came to know that it didn't matter if he liked it or not. it was not about him.....it was about me. he was a grown up with choices to make and he made them. i was a grown up, too, and was free to make my choices, just as he was.

i'm so proud of you....i know it takes courage in the beginning. especially when one has been at the mercy of the alcoholics moods, controls, and behaviors.

go, enjoy, and go again....
embraced2000 is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 07:46 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Dolorosa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
You know, it's funny. They never care what we think....they just go on doing whatever they want. But if WE want to do something for ourselves - look out. ARGH!
Dolorosa is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 07:55 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
let it grow!
 
parentrecovers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
agree - you and your kids need alanon. just take care of yourself. my guess is if your husband wasn't pouting about this, he'd be pouting about something else? blessings, k
parentrecovers is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 07:55 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 25
you guys are absolutely right. He does whatever he wants but the minute i do decide to do something he either wants to do it with me or gets mad. well, now's mine and the kids time. I betcha when we get home he'll saythe i'm leaving bit like he always does. promises, promises, promises. Thanks, just reading your posts give me more courage to go.

thanks again
domelia is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 08:02 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
mallowcup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think it would be great to turn alanon night into pizza night. You and the kids need to start living the life alanon talks about. It's one thing to attend the meetings but you will all feel so good starting to do some of those things you've been missing. What would happen if you were out having fun and missed his next call?
mallowcup is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 08:12 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 25
I was actually thinking of, not today, but make a dinner date for me and the kids on monday before the meeting as long as AH brings money in so we could have a little extra to go eat. McDonalds, Bertucci's, where the kids want and then go. It would be something we haven't done in a long time. And if I missed his phone call, many phonecalls, which I do at times, then he would be mad as hell when I get home thinking I was out with someone else. The first alanon meeting I went to he must have called me 8 times. I didn't answer, I just turned the phone off.
domelia is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 08:22 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Astro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 22,950
You're doing a great job of taking care of yourself, domelia. I admire your courage and strength!
Astro is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 08:28 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 25
Believe me it's not easy. I'm sitting here at work and I have tears in my eyes. I guess I;m sad cuz I want something from my AH that he is not able to give me. But you know what? I really don't care if someone sees me with tears. This is part of my life right now and it's not easy putting on a happy face 24/7. This is my life right now and hopefully soon these tears will be gone.
domelia is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 09:19 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
lilac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Good for you ! I know how hard it is when they don't want you to go. My AH would make little smart comments like "what do they teach you there, how to deal with me or leave me?" They just really don't get it, do they?

I am proud of you for going back. (((Hugs)))
lilac is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 09:30 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
been searching for the dream
 
IrshIzNotSmilin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
I like this post domelia. You are doing a good job. Take care of you and the kids and go have a nice dinner too. I am with an on-line al-anon group. One night I thought AH was not home and before i knew it he was behind me at the computer and I was on-line with al-anon. Well, after he thought I was having a secret relationship with someone which I explained I was not. I explained it was my al-anon group. He looked perplexed. He did not speak and when he did he did not condemn but said isn't that about alcoholics and I said no it is about me. Two days later he asked about it again. I said I do this for me. He never asked or commented again. So I was outed but it was interesting. Irsh
IrshIzNotSmilin is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 09:32 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
mine used to think the meeting was about him!!!! he would grill me....what did you say about me....what did they say about me....they all hate me...they're just teaching you how to kick my arse to the curb.....

i would just laugh and pat his cheek, and say, "darlin'...trust me....you were not the topic of the meeting"

sometimes he would laugh, and say, well, i guess i'm not as important as i think i am. and we'd have a good chuckle about it. those were during his good times.

during the bad times, he would accuse all of us of being in love with one another....to put it nicely....and many other things that were just so out there, it wasn't even funny. it was just so sick.

just keep going....and making a night of it is a wonderful suggestion.
embraced2000 is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 12:31 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Astro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 22,950
Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
mine used to think the meeting was about him!!!! he would grill me....what did you say about me....what did they say about me....they all hate me...they're just teaching you how to kick my arse to the curb.....
I used to think it was about slaying us alcoholics too, until I started going to meetings myself;-)

My kids and I make a night of my AA meetings a couple times a week. We attend the meeting and then go out afterwards with others from the Fellowship. This past Saturday they were a great help while I chaired our Birthday Night meeting. They set up dinner tables, cut the cakes, sold raffle tickets, and didn't complain once in four hours. Kids can be great companions on the road to recovery!
Astro is offline  
Old 01-29-2007, 04:14 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
Yep I am one of those alcoholics who HATED Al-Anon. It felt very threatening. Funny thing is, I still felt this way after 12+ years of sobriety. My husband has been going to Alanon lately to deal with many issues he is facing at this time in his life. It annoyed me to no end, although I couldn't quite put my finger on why. News Flash! It isn't all about me!

Now for the huge serving of humble pie... I just finished reading Melanie Beattie's Codependent No More. Yeah, I should be going to Alanon too. I asked my husband if he could pick me up a directory. He is a good man and was careful not to openly gloat. Although ... I did detect a slight smile.

I am grateful today to see the other side of the coin. Something I was absolutely incapable of doing 12 years ago.

Alanon feels threatening to practicing alcoholics. Take it from one who's been there. The alcoholic will probably do/say just about anything to get you to stop going. Guilt is usually a good one. Just hang tough. You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Take care of yourself and don't let yourself be influenced by your A's anger or resentment or really by you A's anything!

Take care!
Kathleen
socalgal is offline  
Old 01-30-2007, 04:34 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lynn, MA
Posts: 25
I went to my second meeting last night. It was about HOPE. I do have hope that I can break the cycle and hope they themselves don't become an alcoholic or marry one. My AH was very distant still before we left for the meeting. I know he is punishing me and making me feel quilty. I cried in work all day yesterday. I have come to realize that with me going to the meetings, he finally has to take a good, long hard look at him self. He had a friend come over and he was, of course, drinking. When we came home, the same thing. Distant, not really talking to me. Well, that's okay. I just went upstairs to bed. My husband still chooses to sleep on the couch. It's kind of sad because I feel alone, not in recovery, but alone in my home. Like it's just me and the kids and someone else taking up space. I do have hope that he will come around but I'm not keeping my fingers crossed. Even in the two meetings the kids have been to I have seen a little change in the kids. My son talks to me about his dad. My daughter seems to have a little more smile and is now able to give me hug without making a face. Maybe if it was just one hug this week. Better than none!! It's just a start but this is where I have my HOPE.
domelia is offline  
Old 01-30-2007, 05:15 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
angelonmyshould's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Poplar Grove, IL
Posts: 72
It sounds like you are on your way to recovery! And your kids are, too! I know the lonely feeling very well. But, as someone once told me you really are not alone it's you and your Higher Power. So, lately I have been just talking to my HP and the lonely feeling seems to fade a bit.

Your husband is scared. Scared that you are getting help. They sometimes think that all Al-Anon does is tell you to get a divorce. They don't understand.

My thoughts are with you. Keep feeling that HOPE today! Use it as a lifesaver!
angelonmyshould is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:07 AM.