Not feeling so well
Becoming a Butterfly
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Not feeling so well
So I skipped exAHs arraignment this morning. I was feeling pretty good about things - he effed up, I knew it was coming, etc.
Then I started looking through his property and realized that i had his glasses (he cannot see a thing without them) and his wallet. My having his wallet meant he could not bail himself out of jail.
So I drove over to the courthouse. He had been arraigned in the morning and no one was there for him. He got $1500 bail and was sent back to jail. It broke my heart to hear it. I realize he must be in jail tonight thinking that he's lost it all and no one even cares about him anymore.
The bailiff said a man had come down later looking for him and from the description I recognized it was his estranged father. So I called him.
He told me that he wanted to bail exAH out but they needed cash and he couldn't get $1500 cash on a Sunday as the bank was closed but that he was going to bail him out on Monday morning. He said the only reason he was doing it was to give exAH a chance to save his job. I told him I had the glasses and wallet and that I would bring them to his house tonight so he could give them to exAH when he made bail.
Inside the glasses case I put four cigarettes and a lighter and two notes. One said something like I was so sorry this happened, I was praying for him, and I hoped he'd stop drinking now for good because it brings nothing but sorrow and heartache. In the other I wrote that I still love him and I'm so sorry he's suffering.
I talked to his dad for two hours. The drinking has been going on for longer than I thought and been much more severe than I realized. His dad said he'd help him a bit but that exAH needed to save himself. I started to cry and tol dthem I was so so sorry - I had tried everything, I had tried hard, that I loved him but I couldn't take it anymore. He told me that no one blamed me for anything and that I needed to save myself. He also told me I needed to stop worrying abotu this or I'm going to give myself a nervous breakdown.
As i drove home (it's a good 45 min trip) I varied between feeling good about my future and feeling bad for him in jail tonight where he is sure that all is lost. He doesn't know his dad is going to bail him out. He doesn't know in one last act of enabling/love that I called his good friend at work and said that exAH had an emergency and wouldn't be in on Mon but he'd call. I know technically I shouldn't have done it, but I reasoned that if he can hold on to his job he'll have a much better chance at recovery. Was I fooling myself? Maybe but I don't feel wrong about what I did.
Then I got home. Son was there. He asked me how it was and I said that exAH really made a mess out things and I felt bad for him. I asked son how he felt. He said, "He chose drinking over us, so I'm not going to lose any sleep over it." I told him not only is he taller than his mom, but he's smarter too.
So here I am. I have done everything I can. Everyone in the world is letting me off the hook but me. I know I said in my other message that I was feeling good, but now I'm kind of half good/half weepy. I dearly wish I could have saved him from this pain.
Then I started looking through his property and realized that i had his glasses (he cannot see a thing without them) and his wallet. My having his wallet meant he could not bail himself out of jail.
So I drove over to the courthouse. He had been arraigned in the morning and no one was there for him. He got $1500 bail and was sent back to jail. It broke my heart to hear it. I realize he must be in jail tonight thinking that he's lost it all and no one even cares about him anymore.
The bailiff said a man had come down later looking for him and from the description I recognized it was his estranged father. So I called him.
He told me that he wanted to bail exAH out but they needed cash and he couldn't get $1500 cash on a Sunday as the bank was closed but that he was going to bail him out on Monday morning. He said the only reason he was doing it was to give exAH a chance to save his job. I told him I had the glasses and wallet and that I would bring them to his house tonight so he could give them to exAH when he made bail.
Inside the glasses case I put four cigarettes and a lighter and two notes. One said something like I was so sorry this happened, I was praying for him, and I hoped he'd stop drinking now for good because it brings nothing but sorrow and heartache. In the other I wrote that I still love him and I'm so sorry he's suffering.
I talked to his dad for two hours. The drinking has been going on for longer than I thought and been much more severe than I realized. His dad said he'd help him a bit but that exAH needed to save himself. I started to cry and tol dthem I was so so sorry - I had tried everything, I had tried hard, that I loved him but I couldn't take it anymore. He told me that no one blamed me for anything and that I needed to save myself. He also told me I needed to stop worrying abotu this or I'm going to give myself a nervous breakdown.
As i drove home (it's a good 45 min trip) I varied between feeling good about my future and feeling bad for him in jail tonight where he is sure that all is lost. He doesn't know his dad is going to bail him out. He doesn't know in one last act of enabling/love that I called his good friend at work and said that exAH had an emergency and wouldn't be in on Mon but he'd call. I know technically I shouldn't have done it, but I reasoned that if he can hold on to his job he'll have a much better chance at recovery. Was I fooling myself? Maybe but I don't feel wrong about what I did.
Then I got home. Son was there. He asked me how it was and I said that exAH really made a mess out things and I felt bad for him. I asked son how he felt. He said, "He chose drinking over us, so I'm not going to lose any sleep over it." I told him not only is he taller than his mom, but he's smarter too.
So here I am. I have done everything I can. Everyone in the world is letting me off the hook but me. I know I said in my other message that I was feeling good, but now I'm kind of half good/half weepy. I dearly wish I could have saved him from this pain.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I know this is so hard for you... but....
you did him no favors by calling the coworker and lying.
The only thing you're doing is enabling his behavior. Protecting him from the consequences. He can't feel how much it hurts if you don't let him fall.
You can't save him. You can't cure him. You can't control him. He is an adult. Until you accept that, and let him be an adult, you will continue to feel pain.
You haven't done EVERYTHING you can. You're missing a very big one... Let go. Get the focus on you. Take care of you. Take care of your kids.
Have you given any thought to Al-anon?
I know it's not easy... trust me because I too lost many precious Friday nights, Saturdays, Sundays sitting and worrying. Projecting all the bad that could happen, and trying to figure out ways to protect my husband from all that pain... and all that happened... was that I lost out on so many opportunities to enjoy living.
This too shall pass. Hang in there.
Shannon
you did him no favors by calling the coworker and lying.
The only thing you're doing is enabling his behavior. Protecting him from the consequences. He can't feel how much it hurts if you don't let him fall.
I dearly wish I could have saved him from this pain.
You haven't done EVERYTHING you can. You're missing a very big one... Let go. Get the focus on you. Take care of you. Take care of your kids.
Have you given any thought to Al-anon?
I know it's not easy... trust me because I too lost many precious Friday nights, Saturdays, Sundays sitting and worrying. Projecting all the bad that could happen, and trying to figure out ways to protect my husband from all that pain... and all that happened... was that I lost out on so many opportunities to enjoy living.
This too shall pass. Hang in there.
Shannon
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 2
I'm kinda new here, have lurked for a couple of years off and on, then lost my password. So, I'm under a new name.
Anyway, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I don't know what it's like to have a spouse as the addict, my brother is the addict. But, I do know the feeling of failure when you can't save them, and they are so worth saving. I'm sure that you did everything in your power to help him. I don't blame you for calling his job. I really don't think it hurt anything though, since his dad is bailing him out for that reason. Hope it all works out for the best.
Anyway, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I don't know what it's like to have a spouse as the addict, my brother is the addict. But, I do know the feeling of failure when you can't save them, and they are so worth saving. I'm sure that you did everything in your power to help him. I don't blame you for calling his job. I really don't think it hurt anything though, since his dad is bailing him out for that reason. Hope it all works out for the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. Recovery does not mean heartless. His recovery is his. Your recovery doesnt' mean hating him, it means not letting his behaviors change the course of your days. You love him anyway, you may be the only person praying for him. It might be nice for your son to pray for his father.
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
exAh is actually his step-father, but he has been more of a dad to him than his own dad. He may have drank too much, but he did manage do a good job being a step-dad and hid his drinking so well that it didn't affect son as much as it could have.
I did feel that I hadn't technically lied for him because I said he had an emergency. Now nothing could be more true than that ...
I did feel that I hadn't technically lied for him because I said he had an emergency. Now nothing could be more true than that ...
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Getting by, you are right and I know it. I cannot save him from this pain. He needs to go through it to heal. It's like "helping" a chick out of the eggshell - they need to go through that difficult struggle to survive. But damn is it hard to watch.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
I'm so sorry you've had to make such difficult decisions. I'm lucky my husband was immediately given a restraining order, and is not allowed to contact me. It saves me from having to make such heart-wrenching decisions. More (((HUGS))).
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Yes technically he had an emergency. But you know this "final" act of enabling is what it is. That being said don't beat yourself up. We are human. We love them. When they are helpless it is our instinct to jump in and protect. So you backslid a little in your recovery. Just move forward tomorrow. And put the focus back on you and YOUR recovery. When he calls (since he probably will because of your notes and the fact that you went to get his stuff, etc) try to stay detached. Now is the time for you to put into action the things you have learned in your recovery. Be strong. Be firm. But if you feel you have to cave be gentle on yourself. Tomorrow is another day, another start if needed.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
It is hard to watch. Very hard.
What was so dang hard for me was that I wanted soooo badly for my husband to "get it." I wanted him to see how bad the drinking was. To see the financial problems it caused. To suffer the consequences. The only problem was that I always seemed to jump in and save him, just as he was about to reaped what he sowed. I'd work the extra hours to get the cash to keep the checkbook from bouncing. I'd go without so that the money would be there for the mortgage... and then I'd yell at him, "Don't you see how much money you blow? We can't pay the mortgage!" And his response, "So the mortgage didn't get paid this month?" "Well, no, it got paid but because I made the sacrifices. I worked the extra hours and I went without." "Well, then what's the problem?" And he was right. As long as I took care of things, there was no real problem. When I stopped enabling... and starting taking care of me and stopped saving him, he started to see the problem. I stopped donating my money and time to keep the joint account afloat. I seperated my money, and made sure I was taken care of. His bills? To hell with them. If he drank the money away, his problem. The first time his motorcycle payment didn't get paid. He yelled at me, but it wasn't my fault. I had told him the deal, and he chose to drink the money away anyway.
I stopped covering for him. If he didn't make it to church Sunday morning, I didn't lie. I didn't say he was battling the flu. I didn't trash him either, but I was honest. "He had too much to drink last night and couldn't make it." No more covering for him. No lying to family and friends. The gig was up. Mostly it was up because I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live the seperate lives. The life at home, full of chaos, stress, anger... and the outside life where everything was perfect.. the young happy couple, just bought a house, white picket fence, golden retriever. It was too much and one day I snapped.
As many have talked about, I realized that day that I had completely lost me. I had given up everything in hopes of fixing and saving him. I lost my friends, my hobbies, my sense of humor... my happy and hopeful outlook on live. I looked in the mirror and couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I was angry, bitter, frustrated and quite frankly, on the verge of driving myself abosolutely insane.
So I know how you feel. I understand where you are. And I want you to know that you're not alone. It DOES get better.
Hugs to you... I hope you have a chance to relax and get some sleep tonight. Know that he is safe where he is. Take care of you tonight.
Shannon
What was so dang hard for me was that I wanted soooo badly for my husband to "get it." I wanted him to see how bad the drinking was. To see the financial problems it caused. To suffer the consequences. The only problem was that I always seemed to jump in and save him, just as he was about to reaped what he sowed. I'd work the extra hours to get the cash to keep the checkbook from bouncing. I'd go without so that the money would be there for the mortgage... and then I'd yell at him, "Don't you see how much money you blow? We can't pay the mortgage!" And his response, "So the mortgage didn't get paid this month?" "Well, no, it got paid but because I made the sacrifices. I worked the extra hours and I went without." "Well, then what's the problem?" And he was right. As long as I took care of things, there was no real problem. When I stopped enabling... and starting taking care of me and stopped saving him, he started to see the problem. I stopped donating my money and time to keep the joint account afloat. I seperated my money, and made sure I was taken care of. His bills? To hell with them. If he drank the money away, his problem. The first time his motorcycle payment didn't get paid. He yelled at me, but it wasn't my fault. I had told him the deal, and he chose to drink the money away anyway.
I stopped covering for him. If he didn't make it to church Sunday morning, I didn't lie. I didn't say he was battling the flu. I didn't trash him either, but I was honest. "He had too much to drink last night and couldn't make it." No more covering for him. No lying to family and friends. The gig was up. Mostly it was up because I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live the seperate lives. The life at home, full of chaos, stress, anger... and the outside life where everything was perfect.. the young happy couple, just bought a house, white picket fence, golden retriever. It was too much and one day I snapped.
As many have talked about, I realized that day that I had completely lost me. I had given up everything in hopes of fixing and saving him. I lost my friends, my hobbies, my sense of humor... my happy and hopeful outlook on live. I looked in the mirror and couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I was angry, bitter, frustrated and quite frankly, on the verge of driving myself abosolutely insane.
So I know how you feel. I understand where you are. And I want you to know that you're not alone. It DOES get better.
Hugs to you... I hope you have a chance to relax and get some sleep tonight. Know that he is safe where he is. Take care of you tonight.
Shannon
Becoming a Butterfly
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
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Is he safe? Is jail safe? I hear it's pretty dangerous in there especially for white boy professionals who don't know jack about the street and has probably cried the entire time he was in there.
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Is he safe? Well, who the heck knows? He got himself in there by virtue of his own devices. Gosh, I'm sorry if he's locked up, but c'mon. I assume he's in the county jail and not a state penitentary where the REAL hard-core are incarcerated. I'm sorry he's in there crying but don't you think it's about time to just let him rot, if need be? It may be the bottom he needs that saves him.
Enabling. That is all I have to say about this ... enabling.
P.S. - I let my AH sit all night in the county jail even though I could have bailed him out. I have no idea who he was thrown in with. I figured, he got himself in the mess so he could sit. I didn't do it for revenge or to be mean. I did it because I had bailed his a** out one time too many. He survived it.
Enabling. That is all I have to say about this ... enabling.
P.S. - I let my AH sit all night in the county jail even though I could have bailed him out. I have no idea who he was thrown in with. I figured, he got himself in the mess so he could sit. I didn't do it for revenge or to be mean. I did it because I had bailed his a** out one time too many. He survived it.
Becoming a Butterfly
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Argh, I know Prodigal. every single word in your post is true. I know it.
Well, he'll be out tomorrow and have a lot of his own business to handle all by himself so my small act of enabling won't mean much unless he does a lot of work of his own.
And I've heard of guys who got attacked in county. it's not that crazy a worry, but you are no doubt right that it's his own stupidity that put him at risk. And I don't have any control over what happens to him in there. I couldn't have bailed him out if I wanted to - I dont have $1500 to spare, I've been unemployed and have a child to look after.
Argh (yes, I used it twice in one post) it's time for bed. I know I'll just read all this stuff tomorrow and cringe. What a freakin codie I am
Well, he'll be out tomorrow and have a lot of his own business to handle all by himself so my small act of enabling won't mean much unless he does a lot of work of his own.
And I've heard of guys who got attacked in county. it's not that crazy a worry, but you are no doubt right that it's his own stupidity that put him at risk. And I don't have any control over what happens to him in there. I couldn't have bailed him out if I wanted to - I dont have $1500 to spare, I've been unemployed and have a child to look after.
Argh (yes, I used it twice in one post) it's time for bed. I know I'll just read all this stuff tomorrow and cringe. What a freakin codie I am
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
wantsout....times like these, are when i would go rushing in on the rescue mission, with my heart all pumped up, a new belief in my xh, and more detemination than ever that this time would be the majic bullit to his recovery.....did i mention that the theme song from mission impossible was playing in the back ground, and i had my rescue mission garb on???
my heart always went out to my xh and i couldn't scoop him up fast enough from those ole nasty places, people, and situations. and he just kept going back to those nasty places, people, and situations. no matter how many times i went to his rescue, how many cigs i gave him, no matter how many times i got his stuff, no matter how many phone calls i made on his behalf, no matter how i tried to cover up withthe powers that be in his life.....it all turned out the same....i was enableing him right into his grave. i was loving him to death.
and i did it time and time again.....until the truth was finally so plain to me that even ray charles could have seen it.
love to you
jeri
my heart always went out to my xh and i couldn't scoop him up fast enough from those ole nasty places, people, and situations. and he just kept going back to those nasty places, people, and situations. no matter how many times i went to his rescue, how many cigs i gave him, no matter how many times i got his stuff, no matter how many phone calls i made on his behalf, no matter how i tried to cover up withthe powers that be in his life.....it all turned out the same....i was enableing him right into his grave. i was loving him to death.
and i did it time and time again.....until the truth was finally so plain to me that even ray charles could have seen it.
love to you
jeri
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
How many times did you need him? He's had his time in jail, and now that he is out this morning, you can breathe easier. That's it. He now knows what jail is like. If he chooses to go back there, it must not be so bad right?
Becoming a Butterfly
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Posts: 904
ok, i'm better this morning. Well, for all his drinking he has been pretty reliable when I needed him. He is a loving man, but he's an alcoholic too and it doesn't matter how much he's done for me, I can't live with that.
Throughout all this emotional crap I've been pouring out I've had no thoughts of letting him come back or anything like that. He's still on his own as far as I'm concerned. And if he thinks I'm giving him rides places he's got another thing coming. I'll be back to work soon anyway and unavailable to even ask for things.
Yes, he knows what it's like in jail now. of course my mother pointed out that he had been in jail in NYC for a weekend years before we were married (for the same thing, DWI) and that the county jail he's in now can't possibly be worse than the lockup in Brooklyn - and he didn't learn his lesson then. I am realistic. He probably won't learn his lesson now.
I was reading the friends and family of addicts forum and there's a thread about a woman's son who lives a homeless life even though he is offered recovery help. What addicts find acceptable is different than what we find acceptable and I'm absorbing that. He may very well lose his job anyway and his apartment and I don't know what he's going to do then. Maybe his father will take him in.
He knows I care. He got some support. I'm sure I'll hear from him and I will tell him we both saw this coming and I hope he's going to finally get it through his thick head that drinking isn't worth it. Of course I'll be talking from my standards. Ten bucks says he walks to the closest store and drinks a 12-pack tonight. You know ... to numb the pain. He had a bad few days there (insert rolling eyes here).
Throughout all this emotional crap I've been pouring out I've had no thoughts of letting him come back or anything like that. He's still on his own as far as I'm concerned. And if he thinks I'm giving him rides places he's got another thing coming. I'll be back to work soon anyway and unavailable to even ask for things.
Yes, he knows what it's like in jail now. of course my mother pointed out that he had been in jail in NYC for a weekend years before we were married (for the same thing, DWI) and that the county jail he's in now can't possibly be worse than the lockup in Brooklyn - and he didn't learn his lesson then. I am realistic. He probably won't learn his lesson now.
I was reading the friends and family of addicts forum and there's a thread about a woman's son who lives a homeless life even though he is offered recovery help. What addicts find acceptable is different than what we find acceptable and I'm absorbing that. He may very well lose his job anyway and his apartment and I don't know what he's going to do then. Maybe his father will take him in.
He knows I care. He got some support. I'm sure I'll hear from him and I will tell him we both saw this coming and I hope he's going to finally get it through his thick head that drinking isn't worth it. Of course I'll be talking from my standards. Ten bucks says he walks to the closest store and drinks a 12-pack tonight. You know ... to numb the pain. He had a bad few days there (insert rolling eyes here).
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