Slowly learning?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: London, England
Posts: 12
Slowly learning?
Hi Everyone,
I am very new to this and have found it helpful to post in this forum and to read about everyone's experiences. There is a comfort that is found in knowing that you are not alone in your feelings. I had previously put up a post in ACoA forum.
I am an Australian currently in the UK stuck after my AB threw me out of our shared home of 18 months. (I was previously on a skilled migrant visa here (for 2 years before meeting british partner, but after the last time he threw me out, it lapsed and the laws changed so I was unable to work anymore) Whilst i contributed all the food, travel, bills etc, he maintained the lease payments. This man I thought was the love of my love. He was incredible for the first year of our relationship - not even a proper argument. He is a workaholic and an alcoholic. Things have deterioriated very much over the last year.
Things are pretty grim at the moment, I am staying with some friends but have limited money and am very, very confused about what to do next. All my belongings are at our house and I am getting very overwhelmed by the whole situation. I know that I must have no contact with this man. As much as I love him, his behaviour is now abusive and unfair. It is difficult to do this as a) he is my addiction that I am trying to wean myself off and b) i'm in a country where he has sponsered me to be (whilst i was appealing to have my skilled migrant visa reinstated) and so my own support network and resources are almost non existant. I had to call him today to get my passport number for an application that I am making (all - i mean all - of my stuff is at our/his place) and he was very hungover, he had been on a bender last night. He started accusing me of being a hypocrite and that he is now beginning to understand that any comments I have made about his drinking were only a way for me to detract from my own bad behavior. (!?!) I didn't buy into this on the phone with him, I was very calm and said I don't believe that is true. When I hopped off the phone I was really upset, but could not cry. He spoke with such venom in his voice it really made me think that I have created this hellish situation. I know it is not true, I know it is easier for him to blame me and blame us than it is for him to look at a problem that has been in existence long before he met me.
I am still completely overwhelmed by what I am to do, however I know that I'll be okay. I know that once I extricate myself from this situation I will have to have 100% no contact. Right now though, it feels so hard. I feel so scared about how it will all pan out. For everyone on here that has put a situation like this behind them - congratulations and respect to you. It is so very, very hard to walk away from something that is so damaging and to fight off that voice in your heart of..."oh, but i love him/her".
I am very new to this and have found it helpful to post in this forum and to read about everyone's experiences. There is a comfort that is found in knowing that you are not alone in your feelings. I had previously put up a post in ACoA forum.
I am an Australian currently in the UK stuck after my AB threw me out of our shared home of 18 months. (I was previously on a skilled migrant visa here (for 2 years before meeting british partner, but after the last time he threw me out, it lapsed and the laws changed so I was unable to work anymore) Whilst i contributed all the food, travel, bills etc, he maintained the lease payments. This man I thought was the love of my love. He was incredible for the first year of our relationship - not even a proper argument. He is a workaholic and an alcoholic. Things have deterioriated very much over the last year.
Things are pretty grim at the moment, I am staying with some friends but have limited money and am very, very confused about what to do next. All my belongings are at our house and I am getting very overwhelmed by the whole situation. I know that I must have no contact with this man. As much as I love him, his behaviour is now abusive and unfair. It is difficult to do this as a) he is my addiction that I am trying to wean myself off and b) i'm in a country where he has sponsered me to be (whilst i was appealing to have my skilled migrant visa reinstated) and so my own support network and resources are almost non existant. I had to call him today to get my passport number for an application that I am making (all - i mean all - of my stuff is at our/his place) and he was very hungover, he had been on a bender last night. He started accusing me of being a hypocrite and that he is now beginning to understand that any comments I have made about his drinking were only a way for me to detract from my own bad behavior. (!?!) I didn't buy into this on the phone with him, I was very calm and said I don't believe that is true. When I hopped off the phone I was really upset, but could not cry. He spoke with such venom in his voice it really made me think that I have created this hellish situation. I know it is not true, I know it is easier for him to blame me and blame us than it is for him to look at a problem that has been in existence long before he met me.
I am still completely overwhelmed by what I am to do, however I know that I'll be okay. I know that once I extricate myself from this situation I will have to have 100% no contact. Right now though, it feels so hard. I feel so scared about how it will all pan out. For everyone on here that has put a situation like this behind them - congratulations and respect to you. It is so very, very hard to walk away from something that is so damaging and to fight off that voice in your heart of..."oh, but i love him/her".
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
I do not know anything about the UK, but perhaps contact a church. Ask the minister and see if they have some ideas. Ask if there is a chrisis line?
We have shelters here for women in chrisis.
Have you attended Al-Anon meetings, that would be a good idea.
Sorry this happened. Caring HUGS
We have shelters here for women in chrisis.
Have you attended Al-Anon meetings, that would be a good idea.
Sorry this happened. Caring HUGS
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
hi lisa - welcome, and glad you're here
there are some great Al-anon meetings in London. I would highly suggest trying a few - do not be shy about sharing your situation. You will be surrounded by a bigger support network than you ever imagined possible.
I applaud you for knowing you need to stay out of this relationship/situation. That strength of character will get you through.
Good luck and keep posting.
there are some great Al-anon meetings in London. I would highly suggest trying a few - do not be shy about sharing your situation. You will be surrounded by a bigger support network than you ever imagined possible.
I applaud you for knowing you need to stay out of this relationship/situation. That strength of character will get you through.
Good luck and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hi Lisa - nice to meet you. Welcome to SR.
Congrats on making some of the first steps towards getting your life back.
Can you rent a storage facility to put your belongings in? It sounds like you need to get your stuff out as soon as possible. Do you want to stay in the UK? or would you like to return to Australia?
Just so you know, a lot of what you are going through is really common for people living with alcoholics. We can relate! You are not alone.
Please keep posting...let us know how you are doing.
Congrats on making some of the first steps towards getting your life back.
Can you rent a storage facility to put your belongings in? It sounds like you need to get your stuff out as soon as possible. Do you want to stay in the UK? or would you like to return to Australia?
Just so you know, a lot of what you are going through is really common for people living with alcoholics. We can relate! You are not alone.
Please keep posting...let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 149
Hi Lisa- I'm sorry that you are going through this. Can you find an alanon meeting to go to? What you are going through sounds so stressful and painful- at al anon, there are others who can hear and understand and help you. don't think you have to do this alone.
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