andwhat

My friend who is a freshman in college has been known to drink and went to the ER yesterday for alcohol poisoning. I was in the waiting room til 7 in the morning. I just woke up about an hour ago (on campus now) and when I stepped outside, apparently everyone had heard about what happened. I recieved intense critism for letting my friend drink as much as she did. I know that she is a heavy drinker and we've already had talks and decided that I'm not her mom and not responsible for how much she drinks and the only thing I can do if I want to be a friend is to take care of her after she gets wasted...Maybe I'm being a bad friend or I don't know...How can I explain myself to these people? Yes, I guess I'm trying to avoid responsibility for the situation, but I don't know how else to respond.

elizabeth1979

Welcome andwhat!!
Glad you are here.

Im not sure you can explain to others that you are not responsible for anyone elses actions, which clearly you are not.

Good call. I think you are right. Good for you for realizing this!
As for avoiding responsibility, well I think you did ok.

mallowcup

It's a hard thing to watch but why not find something other than drinking to do as friends? This is clearly a problem. She is alive and hopefully not permanently impaired in any way. As her friend, you can't stop her but as her friend, I couldn't sit and watch my friend drink that much, plus.......it should scare the begeeebers our of you and the rest of her friends. While she recovers, I'd be making a list of non drinking activities.

WantsOut

Well, I have mixed feelings about this one. Yes, you are certainly correct in that you are not responsible for how much another adult drinks. However, we're talking about a friend, someone whose company you chose on a day-to-day basis.

Because you are not permenantly entangled with a friend's life, I don't think it's too much to ask that you as a friend take that extra step and stop her/him from drinking if you notice that s/he's getting to a dangerous level. It is the same as stopping a friend from driving drunk. Yeah, it's technically not your responsiblity, but come on ... you're right there and you see disaster looming. I think that you could have, and maybe morally should have, done something.

Now, that aside ... why are you friends with this person? As a mom I want to tell you that this person sounds like trouble and I don't want you hanging around with him/her anymore. I'm wagging my finger at you.

mallowcup

I agree with Wantsout. I'm missing most of your thought process. You have every right not to take responsiblity for someone elses drinking, but what do you do hang out to call the ambulance at the end of the night? Right, wrong of indifferent, if you were one of my sons friends, I'd be pretty pissed off at you if I found out you just sat there watching a person you call a friend drink to the degree of acohol toxcity. Maybe you should put some distance between you, In a very real sense, your part in this is enabling. You aren't bringing the best out in each other. As college freshman, you are both drinking underage.

lilac

In my opinion, you can do only so much for someone. No, you are not her mother, but if there was a way for you to help her, you should. Don't be too
hard on yourself. It sounds like your friend is lucky to have a friend like you that is trying to learn more.......Good luck.

denny57

How on earth is it any different - I couldn't keep who I considered my best friend - AH - from drinking too much when we were out. Why would I think I could - or should - do it for anyone else?

The most I would do in this situation is mention my concern. I did that with another friend and she cut off the friendship. Her choice. Beyond that, I am powerless, no matter who is the drinker.

mallowcup

These are minors still under the legal thumb of their parents. They are participating in something illegal. They are not above paretnal intervention or punishment. The relationship between a minor child and a grown adult is very different.

WantsOut

Because this is a one-time thing - this is not following a spouse or child around picking up the mess in their lives. This is a story about buddies out partying and one goes too far.

I mean would you let your totally wasted female friend be led away from a party by a group of men jsut because she's an adult and responsible for herself? I hope not. I would go over there, get her, and bring her home. Same goes with buddy who is drinking to the point of yaking - you watch that person, you lead them away, take them home, etc.

At least that's what I would do. I'm open to hear reasons why that isn't a good idea. I have been living a codie life after all.

embraced2000

imo....it's not your job to watch how much she drinks and it is not your job to babysit her while she does so. you are setting yourself up for the perfect description of what a codependant does....and it leads to misery....misery of feeling like you are responsible and have failed....misery of not having any control over another person....

i would set my boundries with my friend....like....i will not be around you when you are drinking.

elizabeth1979

Thank you Embraced.
Thank you.

denny57

She is her friend, not her mother. So she becomes non-responsible for someone else's drinking when - when she is 21?

mallowcup

My husbands drinking buddies are his drinking buddies since high school. They share this vice and do not bring out the best in each other. I don't have the answers. I know kids can get themselves in way over their heads. I suggest that a friend who knows the other has a real problem with alcohol could plan some non drinking activities. As a mother, I know this could have ended with a death. Any one who is a mother, knows that their kid have friends they tend to get into the same kind of trouble with.

embraced2000

andwhat.....young adults die all the time from alcohol poisoning. it is very serious. does your friends parents know about this incident?

maybe as her friend, the best thing you can do, is to encourage her to tell her parents, if they do not know.

you should know also, that the people in her company, should she ever die from alcohol poisoning, could also be held legally responsible in some degree.

even if you could not be held legally accountable, someones death would be a terrible thing for you to have as a college memory.

maybe you should reconsider your own goals and plans. contmeplate what you want your future to be, and make some changes to make those plans happen with the least amount of trauma possible.

laurie6781

As a long time recovering alkie I must tell you I shuddered when I read that statement. I have seen too too many alkies goes absolutely BERSERK (myself included) when in the throes of really getting one on and someone tries to take them away. A person doing what you suggested can really get themselves PHYSICALLY HURT. To interfer with an alkie and their booze is not a pretty site.

Yep that was the codie part of you rearing his/her head, lol. Oh, don't get me wrong, after I got sober my codie side came out and I tried your suggestion several times myself, rofl.

That is very true Andwhat. Now my question to you is....................why are you continuing to go with your friend to drinking events? If her actions make you uncomfortable, and it were me, I would find non drinking events, etc to do with her.

Please remember the 3 C's:

You didn't Cause it,

You can't Control it, and

You can't Cure it.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ICU

I would cut my losses and get new, non drinking, non-blaming friends.

The only person(s) responsible for her drinking is her (and anyone who provided alcohol to a minor). It's unfortunate that everyone who criticized you doesn't realize that yet. Perhaps one day, when they're a little more educated, they'll understand. But that's not your problem.

Move on....there's plenty of other people out there to be friends with. You don't need someone with a drinking problem in your life. They'll just drag you down and 'try' to burden you with something that is not your issue.

CarolD

Welcome to SR andwhat...I am sorry
you and your friend had this bad situation. Hugs

I am an alcoholic who has been sober for a long time.
My best friend still drinks.

Our friendship survives because we do things
that do not involve alcohol.

She does not drink when she is with me.
Period. Not even one.

I see no point in being around
anyone who is drinking.
I stay away..I don't like their actions.

I do hope you will consider doing the same.

As to how to respond to others ..the truth
"I did the best I could"

Godhelpme

andwhat...you're not responsible for your friend before she drinks, while she drinks, or after she's gotten drunk. You are not her guide, her parent, or her babysitter. She is responsible for her actions. You are only responsible for yourself.

You owe no one an explanation for the behaviour of your friend. Your friend got drunk (apparantly to a dangerous level) because she chose to drink. Unless you physically forced the alcohol down her throat, you are not responsible. Her choices are hers and hers alone.

I like what embraced said, if you're concerned about her drinking, set boundaries and let her know you're not going to choose to be around her when she's drinking. Let her know that you fully support her if wants to seek help.

All the best to you and your friend.

~GHM

mallowcup

You are going to have to search your own soul to know if you did everything you could, everything you should have. We can't know that.

blizzard77

I have a friend who drinks quite heavily. I think shes an alocholic and I believe she does too but has never come out and said it directly. she has two young children and is married and just a couple of weeks ago she came over to hang out and in her hand was a bottle of crown (I'm not sure to size) maybe a pint. she drinks shots then downs it with diet coke. In a matter of 3 hrs it was gone and so was she. I told her she had to stay and she said oh I know I'd never drink and drive. went to bed at midnight, woke up and she was gone. her husband said she was home by 1:30am, wasted. So, I told her next time I take the keys. She agreed and hasn't been over since. I should've taken the keys anyway, but I didn't think she'd leave. If she were in an accident I would have been just as responsible if she or someone else was injured or killed. My boundary with her is she can't drink at my house unless she hands over her keys the moment she takes that first shot. guess thats why she hasn't been over in a while.