lillian

how do you build your self esteem up enough to even try to make new friends/date? why does it seem slow for me/fast for my husband? he told me last month he loved me, we should go see a counselor after he slept with another girl- we're seperated, and he made it seem like he wasn't sure of the boundaries and didn't want to hurt my feelings/wanted to clarify and make things better/wasn't even going to see her again, and i was crazy for imagining anything- but no, a month later, he is in a relationship, does not want a romantic relationship with me, (but would like to be friends because he cares) he wants a divorce from me/thought i already got one-- anyway, i am envious of him- he talks to me kindly, but it feels condescending-- he told me yesterday that he knows "something good will happen for my heart"/ he is in a place of being a caring friend-- while i am sitting here feeling devastated that i lost my husband, someone i loved- he seems reasonable, clear headed-- he says he had to "take the next indicated step"-- e.g., the divorce, when up till he got this girlfriend, for a year and a half after he first got sober, he said his thinking was too muddled to make a decision, that he really didn't want a divorce, but if i needed to do it for me, i should go ahead- i waited. after getting a girl, all of a sudden he is clear headed-- i know my sickness is wanting to be with someone who has indicated through words and actions that he doesn't want to be with me. I envy his having new friends, love, sex, companionship, someone to sleep with and read the paper with and all that- i feel like i am contaminated/bitter/ugly- i know my thinking is sick now, but when i go to alanon meetings (and i need to go to more!), everyone looks so pale, tired, sad, used up- when i've gone to aa meetings, there is life/energy/attractive people, flirting, laughing- i've never heard of anyone 13th stepping an alanon. is it because we don't feel attractive that we aren't attractive? or is it the toll of the stress of living with an alcoholic? or are we attractive and the lighting is bad? am i just really offending everyone and being awful? why do alcoholics appeal to me so much/why do i not see any value in being me/being "us"? is our only appeal to alcoholics convenience/providing? is there any real love there? i thought there was, but it's hard to understand this when your spouse moves on- i guess he probably moved on along time ago and didn't tell me/i didn't listen. anyway, thank you board for being here- i want to get better and get back to me! my husband offered to have lunch with me today- but for me, i see him as the person i love/my husband who left me- he sees me, i think/it seems, as some nice lady that he accidentally married when he was drunk and now he wants to not hurt her feelings any more, so he resorts to politeness. how am i supposed to sit and eat a tuna sandwich knowing he's in love with another woman? it's the worst of it now, if i don't get better, it'll be my own fault. i know what to do. it's the courage to act-- these days, i feel like going to bed and crying. i wish they had treatment centers for alanons because detoxing from someone you love is awful/there have been days i felt like dying- i wouldn't kill myself/i know it's a feeling, but boy can it be a strong one. i made an appointment with a pastor (i'm not religious) on monday- he was the one my husband says we should see for counseling- funny thing is, the two times he's said this have been the times he already was involved (without telling me) with other women/was already on the way out. anyway, he knows a lot about aa/alanon issues, and i don't know why i made an apt to see him because i know what to do- i have a sponsor, meetings, literature, friends- but there's a big hole in me and i guess i am surrendering to it- i am embarrassed, i feel like i shouldn't waste this man's time, i don't even know what to say. but i guess i need help. that's all there is too it. i need help. i feel like screaming it! it is shameful for me to say this because i know i am fine- i have not been through war, i have not had loss or suffered anything- i am fine, i have opportunities- i don't need anything. it's my own fault things are so bad- i am self indulgent- this post is self indulgent! all i do is indulge my emotions. i need to change my attitude, no one else can. i guess i want to confess that i love my husband, and that i need help.

mallowcup

Does the way he is acting now remind you of how he was when you met and fell in love with him?

Pick-a-name

I understand what you are saying and feeling.I'm glad you are here. I feel much the same way (with spurts of healing and wellness from time to time).

Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Hope you are feeling better soon. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do,just wish it wasn't a process and could "happen" quicker! *hugs*

p.s. IMHO your husband is still not well....at least he doesn't sound like it to me.

lilac

Sounds like you are doing what you need to......don't be so hard on yourself.

StandingStrong

lillian, I know you're going through H*ll right now - but believe me, it CAN get better. It may not seem like it right now, but it truly can. Hang in there, keep working on you and your recovery. It's no easy task, but I know you can do it. One day at a time.

denny57

lillian, I went back and read your old posts - it seems your husband first left in May 2005. Have you sought any professional therapy since then?

Your pain is obvious - please take care of yourself.

lillian

thank you for your encouragement. He did leave, but kinda sorta came back- that is, he said he had been crazy with early sobriety, and was feeling so fragile, had to work on himself before moving back in or making a committment. that i could get a divorce, but it wasn't what he wanted/he couldn't even think of what he wanted until he unmuddled his thinking. somehow in all of this, i heard that he wanted to be with me- well, he said he wanted to be with me, couldn't imagine his life without me. we were seeing eachother, sleeping together- i kept some distance, but i see now i was fooling myself/in full denial of the reality of the situation. so i am right in the beginning again- i did not listen or do the work suggested to me/that i had begun in al anon- i hoped. i really wanted my marriage to work, so much so that i wasn't acknowledging that he was saying in his words and actions that he did not want to work on anything with me. his being too muddled to be in a relationship was an excuse- he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. my sponsor (i am new again/just started step one) says it's easy: he's an AH, he cheated and lied, i made it easy for him to come back, and now he's gone again and left me for yet another woman. so i should not be surprised that a liar lied to me. i feel so awful since i followed his thinking/thought about what he was going through, and didn't realize that i am just as sick, if not more. i guess i needed another 2 years to be brought to my knees to see it. ack!

Godhelpme

(((lillian)))

I'm so sorry for all of your pain now.

Maybe it only appears he's moved on. Perhaps it's temporary, perhaps not.

The most important thing here is you.

Can you make a list of all the things you won't / don't miss about him? (Surely there must be some.)

Then, can you make a list of what you want for yourself? (ie Things you want to do, places you want to visit, people you want to see and spend time with?) What would be good for your soul right now?

Glad you're here.

Take special care of you.

Peace,
~GHM