Left my husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Left my husband
I just found this forum, and have been sitting here bawling my eyes out for about an hour. After 12 years of marriage to an alcoholic & prescription drug addict, I finally had the courage to leave. I got myself a lawyer, then called the local women's shelter in October, and told them what was going on at home. They called the police without telling me. Long story short, he was arrested and now has a restraining order. We have two children, and they were finally able to see there dad at an access centre last week (3 months after his arrest).
I feel terrible about the way things have turned out. I simply wanted to be safe and leave with the children -- but the police got involved, and I feel incredibly sad and guilty. I stuggle with whether or not my husband (ex now), has mental health issues or if it's all from the alcohol and drugs...or both. He can't hold down a job, and it's difficult to have a normal conversation with him. He was drinking and taking pills every day but always denied everything, and lied to me about everything - whether big or small. He treated us horribly - yet I can't help but feel sorry for him and cry.
I kept telling him to clean up his act, but he wasn't able to. How I wish that things were different. There was no love left, but I would have stayed for the children if he had made the effort to change his ways. I realize now that it's not that easy.
I know I did the right thing, as the children were beginning to suffer and have nervous habits. My daughter kept asking me in tears "when are you going to divorce him?" She's ten years old.
Anyway, that's the short version. I'm glad to have found you all.
I feel terrible about the way things have turned out. I simply wanted to be safe and leave with the children -- but the police got involved, and I feel incredibly sad and guilty. I stuggle with whether or not my husband (ex now), has mental health issues or if it's all from the alcohol and drugs...or both. He can't hold down a job, and it's difficult to have a normal conversation with him. He was drinking and taking pills every day but always denied everything, and lied to me about everything - whether big or small. He treated us horribly - yet I can't help but feel sorry for him and cry.
I kept telling him to clean up his act, but he wasn't able to. How I wish that things were different. There was no love left, but I would have stayed for the children if he had made the effort to change his ways. I realize now that it's not that easy.
I know I did the right thing, as the children were beginning to suffer and have nervous habits. My daughter kept asking me in tears "when are you going to divorce him?" She's ten years old.
Anyway, that's the short version. I'm glad to have found you all.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Dolorosa welcome. You will discover that this place may just save your sanity! The people here are WONDERFUL and its a great place to come vent your frustrations to those who understand because most here have "been there/done that". We can't change your situation and it sounds to me like getting the police involved was probably a GOOD THING (altho' you can't see it right now because you too are very sick)
Living with an addict/alcoholic will make you crazy. You now have the wonderful opportunity to seek help for YOU. Take the focus off of him and put it on you and your children. He is away from you physically for the time being. Use this time to get your life back together. Seek counseling or at the very least Alanon. You're going to be ok!!!!
More people will be by shortly to welcome you and give you some words of wisdom. Make yourself comfy
Living with an addict/alcoholic will make you crazy. You now have the wonderful opportunity to seek help for YOU. Take the focus off of him and put it on you and your children. He is away from you physically for the time being. Use this time to get your life back together. Seek counseling or at the very least Alanon. You're going to be ok!!!!
More people will be by shortly to welcome you and give you some words of wisdom. Make yourself comfy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Hanging In There
Posts: 87
I am sorry for the pain your feeling right now. Although no one here can make your pain go away, we are here to listen and understand how you feel.
We have all felt terrible about the things that have happened, but eventually come to realize that we are just as sick as they are.
If you haven’t been to an alanon meeting yet, I urge you to go. There you will find people just like the people here. They have all been in you shoes one way or another and can help you to learn how to take care of yourself and your children.
Good luck and prayers to you and your children. Things will get better, just give it time.
We have all felt terrible about the things that have happened, but eventually come to realize that we are just as sick as they are.
If you haven’t been to an alanon meeting yet, I urge you to go. There you will find people just like the people here. They have all been in you shoes one way or another and can help you to learn how to take care of yourself and your children.
Good luck and prayers to you and your children. Things will get better, just give it time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Thanks dobiediva. I finally realized, after all those years, that there was no hope because he wouldn't even admit to his addictions. I'm left wondering: does he really believe he's not an alcoholic/addict? Or was it just a case of deny, deny, deny (he seemed to live by that).
Thanks again for the welcome!
Thanks again for the welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Thanks dayxday. No, I haven't been to Al-Anon. I just started seeing a domestic violence counsellor who used to counsel addicts. She's wonderful, but an hour a week is just not enough! Right now, I could talk non-stop for hours and hours. LOL Al-Anon sounds good.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I'm a little surprised, as I imagine you were, that they would call the authorities without telling you. But I guess that it's a sign to both of us that living this way, which seemed normal for so long to you and me, is actually so abnormal that "normal" people would call 911 ASAP!
Ugh, I hope you cracked at least a half smile. Codie humor. How lame, ey?
We're here for you. Keep reading and posting and thinking.
Ugh, I hope you cracked at least a half smile. Codie humor. How lame, ey?
We're here for you. Keep reading and posting and thinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by WantsOut 
But I guess that it's a sign to both of us that living this way, which seemed normal for so long to you and me, is actually so abnormal that "normal" people would call 911 ASAP!
When I spoke to one of the ladies at the shelter and asked why they called the police, her answer was similar to what you said: "Sometimes when you're living that way for so long, you don't realize the danger you're in."
Sometimes I'm glad they called - and other times I'm not. My husband has four charges against him, but he says I "invented false allegations." Now he wants a trial. *sigh*
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
This place is a life saver and I can say soberrecovery.com is the most helpful source of help I've ever had of all the things I've been through! I'd even say it saved my life!!! Glad you found this forum, I sympathize for your troubled heart...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, pull up a chair, make yourself comfortable.
It's so strange how things work out sometimes, yet that call could very well have saved your life.
I am glad that you have moved forward, there really was nothing else you could have done.
Keep posting, it will help.
Dolly
It's so strange how things work out sometimes, yet that call could very well have saved your life.
I am glad that you have moved forward, there really was nothing else you could have done.
Keep posting, it will help.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
welcome dolorosa....this is a safe place for you to vent all you want...we all understand like no others can.
we have a hospital nearby that all they do is hemorhoid (sp) surgeries...when one goes to the hospital, there is absolutely no guessing why everyone is there...cause they are all there for the same pain in the butt.
well, that's the same way here....we are all here for the very same reason....all of us have suffered from living with the effects of alcoholism and addictions with a loved one. you will soon find that although you may feel so very alone in your plight, there are so many people that have actually lived the very life you are living right now.
so don't be shy or embarrassed or apologetic....we have all either lived in it, are living in it, or pushed through it to the other side. you will be amazed how similiar all of our stories are.
please keep reading, sharing, and posting here....this forum, along with al-anon, and reading recovery literature literally saved my life.
this is a statement you will hear so many of us say....and it is so true. we became very, very sick too, living in the chaos and insanity of our loved ones addiction.
welcome again....and talk all you want....writing it all down to share with others is very healing.
love to you
jeri
we have a hospital nearby that all they do is hemorhoid (sp) surgeries...when one goes to the hospital, there is absolutely no guessing why everyone is there...cause they are all there for the same pain in the butt.
well, that's the same way here....we are all here for the very same reason....all of us have suffered from living with the effects of alcoholism and addictions with a loved one. you will soon find that although you may feel so very alone in your plight, there are so many people that have actually lived the very life you are living right now.
so don't be shy or embarrassed or apologetic....we have all either lived in it, are living in it, or pushed through it to the other side. you will be amazed how similiar all of our stories are.
please keep reading, sharing, and posting here....this forum, along with al-anon, and reading recovery literature literally saved my life.
this is a statement you will hear so many of us say....and it is so true. we became very, very sick too, living in the chaos and insanity of our loved ones addiction.
welcome again....and talk all you want....writing it all down to share with others is very healing.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... I’m so glad you found us and have the courage to share your story.
You know there is a name for what your feeling.....I cant remember right now what the name is but the mental thought process goes something like..... The victim is completely dependant on the abuser that they develop a unhealthy connection to that person.... they will actually defend the person holding them hostage and come to believe that they are right...The longer the person is held the more attached the victim becomes.
Maybe God is doing for you and your children what you could not do for yourself... I know he has done it for me more then a few times.
You know there is a name for what your feeling.....I cant remember right now what the name is but the mental thought process goes something like..... The victim is completely dependant on the abuser that they develop a unhealthy connection to that person.... they will actually defend the person holding them hostage and come to believe that they are right...The longer the person is held the more attached the victim becomes.
Maybe God is doing for you and your children what you could not do for yourself... I know he has done it for me more then a few times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Thanks so much for your warm welcome and kind words, everyone. Why do I struggle with this? Everyone tells me I did the right thing, and should have left years ago....but it still hurts. I think I'm just a big softie (seems like most of us here are), and I can't help but feel sorry for him - even though he threatened to burn the house down and hang himself if I left. So many threats, so much desperation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Cynay
Maybe God is doing for you and your children what you could not do for yourself... I know he has done it for me more then a few times.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I would feel sorry for a wolf whos leg is caught in a trap too.... I would probably cry my eyes out. But I would not walk up to it and put my hand out.... would you? Same situation, just a different type of dog is all. He is in a trap and he is in pain... he will attack, even the person who is trying to save him.
You did not cause it, You can not contol it, and you can not cure it. This is his issue not yours.
Surrender and acceptance would really bring you much more peace... have you tried Al-anon?
You did not cause it, You can not contol it, and you can not cure it. This is his issue not yours.
Surrender and acceptance would really bring you much more peace... have you tried Al-anon?
Last edited by Cynay; 01-26-2007 at 08:12 AM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: london
Posts: 13
hi dolorosa, I can understand youre feelings as I am experiencing very similar ones at present.I am also new to the site and it has come as a welcome distraction which is providing me with knowledge and an understanding of what i need to do .I too could talk all day about my situation and probably will so i hope to exchange experiences in the near future . Googluck and keep strong .
xxxxalison30xxxxxxx
xxxxalison30xxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
An addict is an addict. Alcholics drink and pill takers take pills.
unless the want to recover and get help for themselves and work the program... I do believe the progression of the disease worsens and is horrible on wives and children. I'm living that right now.
The police did you a favor and this will make his recover or progress to his own worse insanity or death.
In time to come, you will be greatful for this. I wish I or someone else had the guts to call the police.
And remember, they are good at what they do... they are also trained to sell refrigerators to eskimos. Wish I had that gift to convince and bring as many people to my side of the street as these addicts do.
Keep taking care of yourself and your children. If he ever decides to work a recovery program then you all will win.
Keep strong,
missy xo
unless the want to recover and get help for themselves and work the program... I do believe the progression of the disease worsens and is horrible on wives and children. I'm living that right now.
The police did you a favor and this will make his recover or progress to his own worse insanity or death.
In time to come, you will be greatful for this. I wish I or someone else had the guts to call the police.
And remember, they are good at what they do... they are also trained to sell refrigerators to eskimos. Wish I had that gift to convince and bring as many people to my side of the street as these addicts do.
Keep taking care of yourself and your children. If he ever decides to work a recovery program then you all will win.
Keep strong,
missy xo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Cynay
He is in a trap and he is in pain... he will attack, even the person who is trying to save him.
I still want to know - and if anyone from "the other side" is reading this, please respond: Do most alcoholics/addicts REALLY believe they don't have a problem? Or do they realize it and choose to deny it and lie? I know it's different for everyone, but I'm just wondering what the majority says.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome dolorosa, glad you're here
The guilt will lessen as you move on and see the changes in both yourself and your children. The addiction has a sneaky way of becoming the center of attention and I seemed to always have nagging guilt that I could have done more. Once I was removed from it, I could see I had done all I could. You saved yourself, and your children, and he will need to save himself if he so desires.
Also, to your question - denial is just that - it's not as if someone knows they have a problem and keep insisting they don't. They truly do not know they have a problem. Much like I believed if I just did something different, AH would stop drinking, an addict believes if outside forces changed, the drinking would be normal. A moment of clarity, with the opportunity seized, is what it takes to break through the denial.
Keep posting - there is much support to be had here. You are not alone. ((()))
The guilt will lessen as you move on and see the changes in both yourself and your children. The addiction has a sneaky way of becoming the center of attention and I seemed to always have nagging guilt that I could have done more. Once I was removed from it, I could see I had done all I could. You saved yourself, and your children, and he will need to save himself if he so desires.
Also, to your question - denial is just that - it's not as if someone knows they have a problem and keep insisting they don't. They truly do not know they have a problem. Much like I believed if I just did something different, AH would stop drinking, an addict believes if outside forces changed, the drinking would be normal. A moment of clarity, with the opportunity seized, is what it takes to break through the denial.
Keep posting - there is much support to be had here. You are not alone. ((()))
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