Dolorosa

Yes, I am grateful, but sometimes I wonder if it will make things better or worse in the long run. I guess I'm just being a wimp because I dread the fact that he wants a trial. I'll have to testify, but he won't. But yes, I realize the police saved us. It's been wonderful not having him around and living in a peaceful home for three months.

I hope he changes his mind - I really do. I don't have the energy to go through a trial.

FormerDoormat

Cynay - I believe it's called the Stockholm Syndrome.

Dolorosa

That's what I don't understand. He was constantly numbing himself - with alcohol, pills, pot, or all of the above. It got to the point where he was droopy-eyed all the time, and I honestly didn't know WHAT he was on. How could he not know he has a problem, when all he ever does is numb himself? I just don't get it. I believe he has mental health issues as well, but perhaps it's because he keeps killing off his brain cells. It's unbearably sad.

denny57

This was something it took a while for me to understand, too. Maybe this will help: he believes he uses alchohol, pills, pot or all of the above to numb the REAL problems. If he didn't have those problems, life would be fine. He truly does not see the reverse - that he has many of those problems because of the substances. So a constant struggle begins: focusing on the problems that CAUSE him (so he thinks) to drink and drug, instead of the actual problem, which seems so clear to the rest of us. It's much like I kept the focus on AH's drinking, not seeing my own part in it all - the enabling, etc. I, too, was in denial.

Good luck. Try to read as much as you can about denial. I think it will really help.

Pick-a-name

(((Dolorosa))) so glad you are here...I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

TexasGirl

I believe this wholeheartedly. It's shocking how one can't see exactly what the situation is that they have ended up in. And for me, just because I moved out doesn't mean I've totally gotten over it. I think that I am forever changed because of my experiences, for good and for bad. I too am shocked that they called the police without your knowledge, but some day, I bet you will remember that as the call that saved your life. Oh, and on denial, yes, that seems to be a common thread across the board. Apparently the brain works quite diligently to protect it's addiction.
Welcome.

Dolorosa

You're probably right....and he blamed everyone else for his problems. The whole world was out to get him.

lilac

Hi, I want to welcome you to SR. I am shocked they did call 911, but I think it was your Higher Power taking care of you and your kids.

blessed2be

((((((Hugs to you)))))))

You did the right thing by leaving. I can relate to your daughter asking when you were going to divorce him. I can remember being her age and asking my mother the same question. You did right by your children. My mother never left my Dad and I am 32 yrs old now...still dealing with the resentment of her never "protecting" me from my father.

Please know we are all here for you. You are in a good place. Many blessings to you. Just remember to give each day up to your HP.

Dolorosa

Thanks so much for telling me that! The reason I stayed so long was because I thought I was actually protecting our children. Everyone kept telling me that sole custody was almost impossible to get, and I kept imagining my husband getting joint custody. I was terrified that he would drive them around while he was impaired. Our son is only 3, and my husband wouldn't be able to supervise him properly, either. He once told me he was taking our son to the backyard for a bit, but then ended up in the garage (his favourite place) and didn't even notice when our son crossed the street by himself. He was only 2 at the time.

Our daughter is 10, and started to "fight back" with her dad. My husband was livid and began treating her very badly.

I finally decided that enough was enough. My lawyer convinced me that I could get sole custody - and that's when I called the women's shelter. I knew it was time.

blessed2be

It was definitely time. I am glad what I said helped, even if a little bit. I am now protecting my children from my parents. What a cycle! Yikes!

(((((HUGS to you)))))

Nuudawn

Hello Dolorosa,
I'm an addict in so many ways...alcohol, relationships, smoking etc. I joined AA this past December and am only about 53 days sober. My decision to go to AA coincided with my second split from my alcoholic/addict boyfriend. I actually quit drinking after the first split as well..but I guess I wasn't ready...I certainly wasn't ready for AA at that point..I was still resistant.

In an answer to your questions, yes a lot of alcoholics/addicts are in denial of their problem..but also, I knew I had alcohol problem but didn't want to do anything about it. I don't have children so fooled myself into believing I wasn't hurting anyone...well guess what, I'M a someone and I was my own worst enemy. There is no rationale to addiction...no rhyme or reason but there is startling similarities about us all...oversensitive, control freaky (which is weird cuz we got none), mimimal self worth conflicting with maximum ego, self centred/involved, self pitying, lonely, miserable with ABSOLUTELY NO INSIGHT into the fact that our solace (booze or drugs or both) is THE VERY THING causing all our problems. We for whatever reason CANNOT make this correlation. I didn't ...until it was time to change...when the pain FINALLY outweighed the perceived benefit of my "numbing best friend". (P.S. Caps are for emphasis..not yelling..lol),

In my early sobriety I still shake my head in absolute astonishment about how I did not see the absolute insanity of my own making. I wake up each morning almost dumbfounded as its the first thought that hits me.

Your ex husband is a very sick, sick, sick man but he is the only one who possess the key to his cure. He needs help...usually the last thing the egomaniac alcoholic will ask for is help...only when completely defeated I think. When alcoholism is in its raging state all you can do is save yourself and your children. You are definitely dealing with a madman (or madwoman in my case). My ex is still lost in his madness and given his medical condition he is killing himself hard and fast. He has children and a business (now flailing) but he cannot correlate that booze is the root of all his pain and struggle. My words (and I only spoke for myself) fell on deaf ears. I think he shakes his head and thinks "poor girl..she's an alcoholic....too bad for her..hey, give me another one bartender!". Talk to him is like talking to highschooler still yelling "party on dude!". Just yesterday he boasted about how completely hammered he got both nights of the weekend...ya, what a riot dude! What were your kids doing while you were staggering about?
I wanted him to sober us for us. But he won't...and that's probably best for me as I can only heal myself right now...it's a lot of hard work.... you are equally affected girl. Although I am an alcoholic and understand the behaviour and toxic roots behind it, even I am often confused and hurt by my ex's behaviour and fear inspired cruelty. Be gentle with yourself. Pain is pain.
Blessings to you...keep posting. There is so much support and wisdom here.

Godhelpme

(((Dolorosa)))

Welcome to SR. Big squeezy hugs to you!

Peace,
GHM

itiswhatitis...

dolorosa,

i just wanted to wish you well - i hope things are going good - you are brave and wise - know that...

godspeed,
s

Yeshuaschosen

My alcoholic husband has ruined our marriage and almost destroyed my career in less than 8 months of marriage.I have no one to blame but myself for this foolishness.I married him against everyone else's advise knowing he has a serious drinking problem. I was so in LOVE with him & thought we could possibly have a good life together & never thought for a minute he would do what he's done. I had never dated an alcoholic before & knew little about what it did to them or the people who love them.I admire anyone who has the good sense to leave an alcoholic to his own fate when you're abused.You are in my prayers!

blwninthewind

welcome!

It's amazing how when things gradually get worse and worse we are unable to see how truly bad it is...because of our own disease.

I am so glad you and your family is safe.
Just the fact you are able to tell the difference between pity and love is HUGE. Alot of us aren't there yet.

He is too sick to see he is sick. That's what it comes down to.
I would like to suggest you attend an alanon meeting in your area. You will find that you aren't alone...
This disease has no boundaries...the rich the poor. No racial or ethnic boundaries. Anyone anywhere can have it.

Welcome and I am praying and pulling for you!!!

SoaringSpirits

Welcome, and thanks for being such a good mom. There is great information and support here on SR.

SoloMio

Every time you question yourself, read what you wrote right there. You are where you need to be, and you've done what you needed to do, with courage. The fact that the police got involved.. that's on him, not on you. We all know how it rips your heart out, but it is what it is.

Today you are giving your children the gift of a brighter future.

thewaywewere

I wish I was as strong as you. SO glad you put your children first. Alcoholism ruins so many lives. Keep them safe. You are doing the right thing.

fourmaggie

Please go to AL ANON meetings...and the women shelter may have them (mine does)please take this time FOR YOU...you are now in recovery of this awefull disease...it so effects everyone in the family...you and the kids...seek help...and get healthy....mind, body and soul....

god bless you and welcome to this wonderful family here at SR...we look forward to help you out with what we have done in our lives to make it SANE for us....