dobiediva

Well its day 7..one whole week since I told him I was done. No text messages today. No phone call. And I'm honestly bummed. I knew he would get the picture and stop bugging me but it still hurts when it happens. I wish I could fast forward through all this hard crap and move on with my life. I wish I could stop dreaming about him. Its funny. I never dreamt about him while I was with him, but geez. Everytime I kick his butt out the dreams start. And they are almost unbearable. Usually they are about him with another woman. Sometimes they are about him being the loveable man I so crave. Still others are pretty truthful--the personality changes, the lies, the drama. But regardless of what they are about they make me wake up feeling lost and lonely. I miss him. I have no idea why I miss him. I don't miss the pain. I don't miss the lies. I don't miss the blackouts he is obviously having since he doesnt' remember why I left in the first place!

I need to stop obsessing about him. Its hurting to much today. Seems like its easier to be strong when he's bugging me because I can trick myself into believing he does it because he misses me and then it gives me the power to turn him down. (Funny tho'--this time around he hasn't said anything about missing me or loving me like he usually does. His comments are usually saying he's coming over, or asking if I miss him--both of which I shoot down pretty quickly). I'd probably be happy if I could think he will live the rest of his life miserable without me, pining over what could have been. But then reality kicks in and that is how I am feeling right at this moment. I"M the one miserable. I'M the one pining...over a loser who doesn't give a damn!!

I wish time would fly and I would heal. I wish my idiot ex husband would take the kids so I could go to a meeting!! I really need one!!!! But can't get to one til monday at the earliest.

So I have to cry to you guys. I'm so happy you bear with my stupidity.

embraced2000

hey dobiegirl.....doesn't it just stink!!!??? i can remember sitting in my meetings, with all these wise people sitting around me...alll eyes on me while i sobbed, cried, snotted, moaning with the same sentence over and over...."but i looovve him. you don't understaaaaaandd.

bless their hearts for bearing with me. and we are here, too, for you.

it helps to remember that he is not reacting to any situation rationally....the way we think they should react, just isn't going to happen.

the thought that my xh was removed from my life was traumatic for me....even tho we didn't live together all that much, considering we were always splitting ways.....it was so sick, but even if i knew he was all cozied up in a room somewhere, drinking to oblivion, it made me feel secure.

he was outta my hair, but still my man. whewwww!!!! never mind that he came so close to dying from alcohol poisoning more than once....at least he was still my husband. geeezzzzz....why didn't i just chop off his legs and arms and put him in a little box and keep him very well????

i understand so well the feelings you describe....it's so hard to try to explain the sick place i was in.

you just hang on and let yourself feel the feelings. for me, each time i did not act upon those feelings, such as reaching out to him, was one step closer to recovery. that doesn't mean i didn't spend alot of time crying and moaning about it....cause i sure did.

but looking back, i can see that each time i restrained myself, i placed another stepping stone on my road to recovery.

love to you, dobie

Cynay

Get busy, get yourself out of your own head and go help someone. Call a name on the newcomers list and just ask them how there day is going... Something to get out of your head. Take a sleeping pill going to sleep and read a self help book... I would highly recommend "Life Lessons"

There was a time when I would wish the time go quickly or that it did not hurt so much.... but you know it seems to me that the deep pains is also what gave me the ability for that same depth in Love.... For everything there is an opposite right.... Night/Day, black, white.... etc... Tell me, the next time you meet and fall in love with a man... (when your healthier) how would you know how really good he is if you had not gone through the bad to come to this depth of understanding....

dobiediva

I think it should be a rule that once we leave the alcoholic we love they should be sentenced to a lonely miserable life where they have nothing to do but be alone with their depression--no alcohol, no hooches, no drunk companions, no nothing. They should have to live in utter isolation crying over US until WE are ready to let them come back into our lives should we so choose. I SOOOOOO understand what you are saying about putting him in that little box. Would be so nice to keep him prisoner in my basement. I wouldn't have to worry about where he is, what he's doing, who he's with...no obsessing because he'd be right where I left him. And don't feel bad for him--it's a NICE BASEMENT!!

embraced2000

one time at a meeting, i voiced that if he were dead, it would be so much easier, because then i could visit his grave, put flowers by his headstone, and i would know he was safe and at peace.

my fellow al-anonians looked at me horrified. then one spoke up and said....welllll now, lets just go get him, kill him and bury him, so that you will feel so much better.

all i could think of was......well, the "b" word over and over.

but i saw her point. i was so selfish. i just wanted to be soothed and the soothing i wanted was the extreme of being able to visit his grave! i had to love him enough to let him go and live his life the way he chose....not how i wanted him to be.

hey, a nice basement wouldn't be so bad........would it???

dobiediva

Its not like a jail cell down there! Its nicely finished, has several nice comfy couches to sleep on, TV, video games, lots of toys to play with (LOL)...

I've tried to consider him "Dead in my mind" to make the grieving easier, but its not working. I wonder how sometimes I get my strength from knowing he will find (and probably already has) another woman and move on and then he will be HER problem, and I feel relief. And other times that is the thing that hurts the most--he'll replace me before I am really ready to let go of him completely. Funny thing is he probably did it while we were together. So either he can cheat on me behind my back (which he still denies denies denies) or he can see someone now that we aren't together...but they both hurt. I know I don't want to be with him. But I don't want anybody else to be with him either!! How selfish is THAT?!

My brain sucks sometimes!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!