IrshIzNotSmilin

I remember when I was a member of CODA and people would share their stories. Well, to fess up my secret my feeling of why my life suc*s right now and has for a while is my own fault. I do feel punished and I have regrets. I know many of you may judge but I do not care about that. I think letting it out for me right now may help or may just make me feel worse I do not know. I am 43 when I turned 38 I was feeling fed up with my life call it a mid-life crisis if you will. I went into a deep depression when I emerged it was 2003 and I found out that my dr. was single. Divorced. Not me though. Feb 2004 I started having an affair with the intention of leaving my husband and I did and married AH in 2005. I did not have a marriage in the traditional sense my ex was 20 years my senior but was my best friend. I left my best friend for the love of a man I had never had before and I wanted to have children with this man and my fantasy goes on. Here I am at 43 childless, just told I will never have children, I am too old Eggs too old. Life too old. Everything washed up and out. I hate myself. I regret my decisions for leaving a good man a friend for this heartache. Nothing in this move of mine has been easy. I totally regret my life right now. I feel my acheivements are few and life has just ran out. I do not know what to do with my life. My ex forgave me and we are able to talk if necessary. I do not speak to him though. I do not have the peace in my life. I do have a love in my life but I am beginning to feel that nothing is really worth it. I admit I made some bad mistakes here and I admit to myself and to the universe how sorry I am. I hope this is not too inappropriate to post. I just feel the need to fess up. I feel like a fraud.

mallowcup

You may never give birth, but that in no way means you will never have children. There is a world of children waiting for you.

LaTeeDa

OMG, if life is over at 43, then cart me away to the nursing home! Let me just say that I am older than you, I have made MANY mistakes in my life, but I am no way going to resign myself to giving up! Life begins when you reach out and grab it with both hands! So what if some of us (including me) waited till we were in our forties to grab it. I am living my life and I feel younger than I did ten years ago. My life sucked back then and I thought that's just how it was. That I had no choice. Well, let me tell you, I have plenty of choices. And even when I make a mistake, it doesn't have to stay that way. I can make another choice, and another, and another, and keep on making them till I get it right! You can, too!

L

IrshIzNotSmilin

Thanks La but I feel stuck. I do not know anymore what choices to make. Does it just come to you or what? Like do I get a hobby? Doesn't sound too exciting. A dog? maybe. Day to day I get to look at the regrets in my life. I see my AH with his children and his family and his fulfillment with them. What do I have I say to myself. Nada Zip Ziltch. I get where you are coming from I just need to try to synthesize where that fits for me. I wish I felt 10 years younger. I need the secret.

lilac

MallowCup's right.........there is an entire world full of children just waiting for a home..............

Also, it may sound silly, but I believe that everything that happens to us (good or bad) shapes us into what and who we are now.....

Don't worry about what other people think, no one can judge you but your Higher Power, and if you make peace with you Higher Power and yourself, that's all that needs to be done.......Sc$#w the rest!

(((Hugs))))

LaTeeDa

Psssst. I told you the secret. The secret is---LIVE! What do you like to do? What have you always wanted to do? What did you previously enjoy that you haven't done in awhile?

Example from my own life. I was wanting to take a trip. Online looking at hotel prices in San Francisco, Monterey. Thinking something close by would be fun and not too much of a hassle. Up pops an ad for condos in Vail--cheap, too. Some part of me that has been asleep for twenty years wakes up! I remember how much I used to love skiing! My whole train of thought changes, and I book a ski trip to Steamboat Springs for only a little more $ than I was going to spend on a mediocre trip.

I cannot tell you what makes you feel alive. You need to search for it. It really is worth the effort!

L

Cynay

First I would like to say that it took alot of courage to bring that out. Maybe that is the first step. You are not the only one that has done things they regret, Though I did not cheat on my husband, I have been the other women in relationship.... Was it right, no... did I hurt people ... yes, do I understand why I wanted to be the other women... yep. Is it healthy No.... so the next step for me was to figure out why I was/did do it. Once I had that, I made amends the best way I could..... sounds like you did that with your ex. The next step was to forgive myself. That took alot more for me to do and I went to therapy, Al-anon (Im not alone) and started working hard on myself and the reasons why I choose to be a mistress.

I know how you feel in the being stuck in life and not happy about it. To live life you have to figure out what you want. It sounds to me you are too buried in guilt to figure out anything nice for yourself and if your like me you will have to spend some time punishing yourself first....

Start with forgiving yourself. You are worthy .... you are human and you made a mistake.

HolyQow

I feel like I failed....like the second time around was going to be sooooo much better. I divorced my first husband, and he was a non-drinker, so imagine my surprise when I find that husband number two is an alcoholic.....It's hard not to compare or kick myself for giving up one pain-in-the-rear for a new one. I still think I traded-up or I would have wasted away being bored every single day of my life. Is that anything close to what you are thinking? I had a hard time telling my family about my AH because I think I felt like a disappointment to them more than anyone. They saw the other divorce, now what are they going to think if I don't like this guy either ?!!

I think you are on the right track here, "fessing up" and not caring what others think. You have to do what's right for yourself. Stop beating yourself up about it and start living your life the way you want to live it.

Cynay

You know it happens all the time. The best thing for you is right in front of your face and like my signature says... you spend so much time looking at the closed door that you dont turn around and see the person/people that are there caring.

Take a step back and look around you at friends and family.... The people that will help you heal and be positive in your life are probably standing right in front of you hon.... those doors are closed, dont spend your time staring at them.

Zoey

You did a partial 4th step, are you in Al-Anon?
WE do a fearless moral inventory, but along with the bad we list all that is good about us. Then do a 5th step with a person that does 5th steps.

Bet you feel better already just typeing it out to share here.

There is a saying, "We are sick as the secrets we keep".

I did not have childern, now I am Thanful

prodigal

I, too, indulge myself in kick-a-thons. We all get down on ourselves. We all make mistakes. We are human and thus fallible beings. I don't know if you have a Higher Power, believe in a Higher Power, or think prayer is helpful. For me, personally, it is. I have often heard it said in A.A. meetings, "God doesn't make junk." So right now you are regretting what cannot be undone. You are beating up on yourself. It sounds to me like you think you are nothing more than a piece of junk. You are more than that.

I have spent my entire lifetime grieving the loss of parents I never really had. They were waaayyyy too involved in fighting with one another, and, occassionally joining forces to turn on me when they got bored fighting amongst themselves. So I kept feeling guilty about this. I kept glomming onto every sort of unavailable man I could find to reinforce my belief that I was too low for a snake to bite and a major goof-up and totally unloveable.

I have made some MAJOR mistakes in my life. All I can do is learn from those mistakes and try not to repeat them. I know you regret the decision you made, but at the time you made it you probably thought you were doing the right thing. Again, we all make mistakes. Be kinder to yourself. Living with an A and putting up with their crap is hard enough; we don't need to make it harder on ourselves by kicking ourselves around.

StandingStrong

I used to share my life with one of those board members in my head and I allowed him to dominate my thinking. That board member was the head of GUILT. He led the pack on talking me down, making me feel miserable, and unworthy, etc.
In really working on myself, I have come to realize just how much I allow guilt to dictate to me what my life is, can be about, and was. And believe me, it's not a pretty place to find myself. I have to keep on working or I fall right back down to that level.

there comes a time we have to accept ourselves, flaws and all. We have to make peace with ourselves and become our own best friend. If we'd not treat a friend w/ the words and feelings we push onto ourselves, how dare we do that to ourselves - the best friend that we can ever have!

One day (I believe it was my birthday), I had a revelation of sorts. I was thinking about my birthday and such, and realized that anytime I can say "Today is the first day of the rest of my life" - (and I've just recently done this again!)

I am putting my past behind me - and recreating myself and the life that I wish to have. It's a process, but it is do-able.

Are you ready for a new life? It starts with taking one day at a time.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Dear Standing Strong: Yes I can relate to that board member in my head too. I hate it. I also can relate to the Guilt. I thank you for your words because I know that I need to get to that place where I begin and I listen to everything all of you say and it does eventually sink in. I always feel like such a slow learner.

Dear Prodigal: You hit the nail on the head and I ought to pray more I do believe in my higher power. I feel forsaken. But that is my kick-a-thon goin on. I still have my mother but my dad died a year ago march. What you described of your childhood I also ditto that. Mine was the same. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Dear Zoey: I am a member and I thought that is what I may have been doing without really thinking about it until later. It really brought a lot of &***&&&^ to the surface and I ended up really going into hysterics about it last nite so my eyes are swollen and i am hoping it leads me further down my road of recovery so I can start LIVING not just being a VEGE. Thanks.

Dear Cynay: As always thank you for your honesty and caring. I thank you for your sharing too. That helped a lot. I realize that i am harboring guilt I am looking at the door of the past not turning around to see that there may be another way out. I am reading and re-reading here to train myself to get it. Thank you for your kindness to me.

Dear Holy: Yep!! Right ON!! and you got it. Thanks.

Dear La Tee: Yes I hear you. I actually have had "fleeting" thoughts of doing those things and then it dies. I need to hang on to those "fleets" and maybe see another side of life. Pssst: thanks for the secret.

Dear Lilac: I hear you and mallow about the adoption. I will need to reconsider that. I have this thought in my head about that and it is more to do with me. I always had this fantasy about 'my' family 'my' kids. Blah Blah one step at a time I guess to change old patterns of thought. As I said, I am a slow learner. Thanks about the judgement statement. I appreciate that.

Dear Mallow: You are always concise and to the point of it. I hear you. As I said to Lilac, I need to restructure my thought processes in many areas. Thanks.

Thanks again to all of you for how you responded. It has helped. You are all so wonderful. Irsh

mallowcup

With each new day is your own rebirth. Wiser, kinder, richer in all things that matter. You gain dimension. You gain beauty. You clarify priority. You gain depth. You soften with understanding without being vulnerable.

Cynay

Just turn around sweetie....

There is no reason you should stand there alone in your pain/guilt staring at that door... Its over, done and in the past.... cry if you need, write a letter and burn it ....do what you have to do and get it out of your system.

Just turn around and watch the sunrise for you.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Thanks Cynay, What a great idea. Writing is fun for me to do for feelings not stories or such. I think that is an awesome way to do it. Write the letter and burn it. I like that. I am going to do that. Thank you. I feel awful today crying last nite puffed me out for sure. I look like a puffy eyeball. I think that it is all coming out. I have such pain today and I am working. ha! amaze myself sometimes. thanks again.

Cynay

Its a good thing that you cryed.... there is no way to get to the other side except through it. You have been trying to go around it, under it probably over it too.... Just let it hurt, let the tears come and next you can work on the fear and guilt.... but at least you are going though it now and will never have to hold this in again.

Its pretty freeing. I use to be afraid of the pain too.... trust me, it will not kill you and you will be stronger soon.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Thanks Cynay, i really do feel the pain. In the past I thought i was dealing and I wasn't no pain. No pain no gain sorry so trite. Yet true. You are right what doesn't kill you makes you strong. Maybe focusing on surviving it you can feel better about yourself and it does become a freeing experience. Your words help. Thank you for that. I am realizing that it is more about myself and my core issues to quote mallow than anything else. Irsh

embraced2000

(((((irsh)))))

not many words here....i've plum wore myself out over a box under the bed....i'll write more to you later...but i want you to know you are loved here....and i've missed you on this forum so very much...your input is always valued, appreciated, and NEEDED!

get yer boot outta yer arse....that is not a good place to start a boot factory, ok?

love to you irsh....much, much love
and know that we are all alike, we just have different decorations.

you take care of you today....be as good to yourself as you would be to someone else who needs some tlc, ok?

Pick-a-name

One day at a time,is how I'm doing it......

p.s.You ARE ten years younger...than me!

Good luck! I know it feels very overwhelming at times!