What do I do??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Williamston, S.C.
Posts: 3
What do I do??
Hi,
I am new to all this, so here I go. I was divorced for 10 yrs. then remarried a yr and a half ago. I did not know my husband was an alcholic. I feel really stupid!!! I left him once for drinking and not wanting to quit. Then he said he had stopped and to please take him back.......well quess what? I did and nothing has changed. I have a daughter who seems angry a lot and hates him as much so. She sees the way he is. He is not a very nice person when he has been drinking and he still will not stop. I hate this SO much. I just started going to AL-Alnon but I feel like I'm trapped. I believe in marriage but he should have told me something about his drinking or I should have seen it. I find myself crying all the time and sad. I do not trust him at all!!. I use to be a very much a people person and lots of friends. We have no friends and I will not let my daughter have any friends over unless I know I'm going to be home...she told me ( why should she be punished for his drinking ) I feel so bad for her I feel bad for me. Please I feel like I'm going off the deep end. ( HELP PLEASE ) I'm begging I do not know what to do. I have no where to go and no money saved up. I love my husband but I love my daughter more. He drinks almost every day and it's the hard stuff. I'm tired and frustrated Please some words of wisdom would help me so much you just don't know.
Deltarose
I am new to all this, so here I go. I was divorced for 10 yrs. then remarried a yr and a half ago. I did not know my husband was an alcholic. I feel really stupid!!! I left him once for drinking and not wanting to quit. Then he said he had stopped and to please take him back.......well quess what? I did and nothing has changed. I have a daughter who seems angry a lot and hates him as much so. She sees the way he is. He is not a very nice person when he has been drinking and he still will not stop. I hate this SO much. I just started going to AL-Alnon but I feel like I'm trapped. I believe in marriage but he should have told me something about his drinking or I should have seen it. I find myself crying all the time and sad. I do not trust him at all!!. I use to be a very much a people person and lots of friends. We have no friends and I will not let my daughter have any friends over unless I know I'm going to be home...she told me ( why should she be punished for his drinking ) I feel so bad for her I feel bad for me. Please I feel like I'm going off the deep end. ( HELP PLEASE ) I'm begging I do not know what to do. I have no where to go and no money saved up. I love my husband but I love my daughter more. He drinks almost every day and it's the hard stuff. I'm tired and frustrated Please some words of wisdom would help me so much you just don't know.
Deltarose
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Go the county building and file a request with the Judge for an order of protection based on your fear and his behavior when drinking. This will get him removed from the house and he will not be allowed to return. Just be specific in your complaint, You do not need to be there when the police escort hom off the property. He will be allowed to collect his things with them present. They will tell you when they are serving him and they will call you when it is safe to return home.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hi DeltaRose,
So sorry that you are going through all of this. SR is a good place to educate yourself...welcome. Lots of people will post soon with good advice. Living with an alcoholic can make you feel like you are going crazy. Hugs to you.
So sorry that you are going through all of this. SR is a good place to educate yourself...welcome. Lots of people will post soon with good advice. Living with an alcoholic can make you feel like you are going crazy. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
It's been my experience - at least with the law/courts here that you can't just base a protection order on what he's like when he's drinking. They couldn't do anything unless he had done something - like hurt you or your daughter. Very sad - and verbal abuse don't count for anything.
If you don't feel safe - go to a shelter. I went dragging my kids by the hair (not literally) because they didn't want to go to a shelter house. After the 1st night they were elated to stay the 2nd night - even wanted to go back again. This shelter would let you stay for 30 days and would help you however you needed - daycare while you're at work, arranging protection, helping you find a place, etc.
It just takes making the right connection. They don't come to you.
Have faith in yourself & be strong.
If you don't feel safe - go to a shelter. I went dragging my kids by the hair (not literally) because they didn't want to go to a shelter house. After the 1st night they were elated to stay the 2nd night - even wanted to go back again. This shelter would let you stay for 30 days and would help you however you needed - daycare while you're at work, arranging protection, helping you find a place, etc.
It just takes making the right connection. They don't come to you.
Have faith in yourself & be strong.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.....
Im soo sorry you are in pain tonight... I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.
Dont overwhelm yourself and please stop with guilting yourself to death. You did what you thought was right, you trusted the man you love.... OK... so he lied and so this is a hard situation. You worked through it once and you will do it again hon. Sometimes we need the same lesson more then once before we learn.... God knows I have had a few repeat performances before it got through to me.
I guess you have to start with the basics.... what do you want to do? Once you know that... the rest can fall into place.
I look forward to getting to know you, chin up and instead of feeling guilty whey dont we work on figuring out a plan and empowering you.
Im soo sorry you are in pain tonight... I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.
Dont overwhelm yourself and please stop with guilting yourself to death. You did what you thought was right, you trusted the man you love.... OK... so he lied and so this is a hard situation. You worked through it once and you will do it again hon. Sometimes we need the same lesson more then once before we learn.... God knows I have had a few repeat performances before it got through to me.
I guess you have to start with the basics.... what do you want to do? Once you know that... the rest can fall into place.
I look forward to getting to know you, chin up and instead of feeling guilty whey dont we work on figuring out a plan and empowering you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hello Again...Big Hugs!
I am so glad to see you on this forum.
Relax. you have found a great place
to discusss this sad situation.
There is healing and understading and
info and hope just for you.
Keep posting..we do care
I am so glad to see you on this forum.
Relax. you have found a great place
to discusss this sad situation.
There is healing and understading and
info and hope just for you.
Keep posting..we do care
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
So sorry you're hurting. I can read the guilt only a mother can feel in your post. You tried to do the right thing and marry a good man. It didn't work out. That is water under the bridge and feeling guilty only hurts you. Guilt is taking the hurt of the past and hurting yourself again and again. I know how hard this one is for people like us, we eat ourselves alive if our actions weren't perfect. You did the best you could at the time. Try very hard to literally stop the thoughts when you feel guilty and focus on Cynay's excellent question: what do you want to do? Once you know that, you can start figuring out steps 1, 2 & 3.
You feel your choices are limited. Maybe there are some unpalatable steps that you have to take. Maybe you might have to go on public assitance. I was on it for a year before I moved up in the world. It's just a small phase and not at all shameful imo. Call around and see if you can find a legal aid lawyer to at least inform you of your rights. See if you can get him removed somehow or if it's best to get the hell out of dodge.
I promise you this - you have more strength and power in you than you ever imagined ... you just need to believe. Show you daughter how a strong woman should behave when a man is not treating her right.
You feel your choices are limited. Maybe there are some unpalatable steps that you have to take. Maybe you might have to go on public assitance. I was on it for a year before I moved up in the world. It's just a small phase and not at all shameful imo. Call around and see if you can find a legal aid lawyer to at least inform you of your rights. See if you can get him removed somehow or if it's best to get the hell out of dodge.
I promise you this - you have more strength and power in you than you ever imagined ... you just need to believe. Show you daughter how a strong woman should behave when a man is not treating her right.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Great advice before me. I am so sorry that you are feeling responsible for HIS problem. YOU did not know so you can't beat yourself up over it. The fact of the matter is that you don't like what is going on and you know that it is not good for your daughter. and he is NOT going to change to accomodate you. So, YOU have to make the change. I don't know how old your daughter is but the best example you can set for her is to take the "leap of faith" and get away from him. Or get him away from you. Just be careful in that line.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I agree with WantsOut, that you have more strength within you than you know. And you have a great incentive - your daughter. There is a better life out there for the both of you. You just have to take the necessary steps towards it.
hugs,
marteen
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I agree with WantsOut, that you have more strength within you than you know. And you have a great incentive - your daughter. There is a better life out there for the both of you. You just have to take the necessary steps towards it.
hugs,
marteen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome deltarose - i hear your desperation and i can relate
keep going to the meetings - there i found the strength to do the things i needed to do. don't be afraid to reveal what is going on in your life. help will come from unexpected places. you and your daughter will be ok. one of the hardest things we can do in this life is share it with an addict - so you will be strong enough to handle what is coming next, whatever that is.
take care. ((()))
keep going to the meetings - there i found the strength to do the things i needed to do. don't be afraid to reveal what is going on in your life. help will come from unexpected places. you and your daughter will be ok. one of the hardest things we can do in this life is share it with an addict - so you will be strong enough to handle what is coming next, whatever that is.
take care. ((()))
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Delta Rose.... Welcome to the best place on earth!!
Lots of good experience, strength and hope around here... I hope you get a chance to read some of the sticky posts and threads - they are very helpful.
And you are already attending Alanon!! Yay! That can be a big step for some.
I can tell you that I was a child of alcholics, so I really "get" that not having friends over thing... except, it was MY choice back then. Too much unpredictable chaos.
But that doesn't mean your daughter cannot meet friends at the skating rink, the mall, the local diner, a movie house, the park.... and you can be very involved in those "play dates" (even if she is older, that is the only word I could think of).
It may not be "Exactly" how the other girls do it, but it will be how YOU do it... and it isn't anyone else's business why you have out of the house times with friends - heck, few will hardly notice. And if asked, you can say your husband has a chronic illness... it is true.
Separating ourselves from addiction/alcholism is hard... but it is soooo possible. I agree with Cynay - you couldn't KNOW... so no fault of yours... let that part go, it is in the past.
Please keep posting, and let us know how you are doing.
(((hugs))))
Lots of good experience, strength and hope around here... I hope you get a chance to read some of the sticky posts and threads - they are very helpful.
And you are already attending Alanon!! Yay! That can be a big step for some.
I can tell you that I was a child of alcholics, so I really "get" that not having friends over thing... except, it was MY choice back then. Too much unpredictable chaos.
But that doesn't mean your daughter cannot meet friends at the skating rink, the mall, the local diner, a movie house, the park.... and you can be very involved in those "play dates" (even if she is older, that is the only word I could think of).
It may not be "Exactly" how the other girls do it, but it will be how YOU do it... and it isn't anyone else's business why you have out of the house times with friends - heck, few will hardly notice. And if asked, you can say your husband has a chronic illness... it is true.
Separating ourselves from addiction/alcholism is hard... but it is soooo possible. I agree with Cynay - you couldn't KNOW... so no fault of yours... let that part go, it is in the past.
Please keep posting, and let us know how you are doing.
(((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome!!!!
Hold it,easy does it----One Day At A Time.---
Congrats on youre going to Al-anon.I cant say enough good things about this recovery program.First things first,is recovery.I felt trapped also,,like it was an emergencey to get out,to do something,now,to stop all the stuff that was going on in my home.and it was letting go,of this,urgency,and working on my own recovery,that has made the difference in my life.And has helped to make a difference in my kids lives too.Like a ripple effect.This is how it worked for me.
My prayers arew with you and your family,
God Bless,
Hold it,easy does it----One Day At A Time.---
Congrats on youre going to Al-anon.I cant say enough good things about this recovery program.First things first,is recovery.I felt trapped also,,like it was an emergencey to get out,to do something,now,to stop all the stuff that was going on in my home.and it was letting go,of this,urgency,and working on my own recovery,that has made the difference in my life.And has helped to make a difference in my kids lives too.Like a ripple effect.This is how it worked for me.
My prayers arew with you and your family,
God Bless,
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I often wonder how I lasted as long as I did with my wife while I was not looking at what really at what was going on.
Some of it in hindsight was far worse then what I saw. Some of it was my doing and what I made worse.
In reading your letter and many others like it I look back problems and I’m able to even learn more about what I did or didn’t do.
In your case I would seek help and knowledge through Al anon and possible shelter through friends or family if they are near and if you do need it.
There was a story that was told to me a couple years ago, it goes something like this:
A salesman was walking by a farmhouse and saw a man sitting on a porch bench with an old hound dog lying beside him. The hound dog was howling a bit to himself.
The salesman said “ What’s wrong with your dog”
The farmer replied “ He is lying on a nail”
The salesman asked , “ Well why doesn’t he get up?”
The farmer looked up and said, “ He will when it hurts enough”
You will know when it’s time to do what you need to do.
Some of it in hindsight was far worse then what I saw. Some of it was my doing and what I made worse.
In reading your letter and many others like it I look back problems and I’m able to even learn more about what I did or didn’t do.
In your case I would seek help and knowledge through Al anon and possible shelter through friends or family if they are near and if you do need it.
There was a story that was told to me a couple years ago, it goes something like this:
A salesman was walking by a farmhouse and saw a man sitting on a porch bench with an old hound dog lying beside him. The hound dog was howling a bit to himself.
The salesman said “ What’s wrong with your dog”
The farmer replied “ He is lying on a nail”
The salesman asked , “ Well why doesn’t he get up?”
The farmer looked up and said, “ He will when it hurts enough”
You will know when it’s time to do what you need to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Williamston, S.C.
Posts: 3
what do I do ?
I want to say thank you for all who have given their input on my situation. I hope to find some peace on earth as I find peace with God when spending time alone with him. It's good to know I'm not alone,but making decisions about anything right now is not what I want to do. Right now I work 7 days a week, plus taking care of my daughter and keeping peace in the family. Please keep the inputs coming.. In this type of situation we all need friends.....may not know you ( but ) we all shared the same path at one time or another. Again thank you.
Deltarose
Deltarose
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
((((deltarose)))) hugs to you right now. I'm so glad you are here at SR. I know when I first started going to Al-Anon, the answers just didn't seem to come quickly enough. I wanted immediate answers of how to deal with the alcoholic situation.
When I first went to Al-Anon, I grabbed a hold of Step 2: Came to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I knew I was insane, so I constantly cried out - "God, restore me to sanity".
Is your daughter at an age to where she can attend Al-Ateen? That may be a helpful place for her to talk with her peers about their similiar situations.
Alcoholism is a disease of isolation. Thank you for reaching out here at SR, and I hope you continue to reach out at Al-Anon, to break the silence that this disease can shroud us in.
(((hugs)))
When I first went to Al-Anon, I grabbed a hold of Step 2: Came to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I knew I was insane, so I constantly cried out - "God, restore me to sanity".
Is your daughter at an age to where she can attend Al-Ateen? That may be a helpful place for her to talk with her peers about their similiar situations.
Alcoholism is a disease of isolation. Thank you for reaching out here at SR, and I hope you continue to reach out at Al-Anon, to break the silence that this disease can shroud us in.
(((hugs)))
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