Having a bad day

Old 01-22-2007, 06:02 PM
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Unhappy Having a bad day

I'm just upset
Got home picked up the kids from a friends - they instantly start fighting.
13 year old demands I take her to the ER because she slipped on the ice and her leg hurts (walks just fine- she's always doing this - something is always wrong) Then uses her famous line 'you never do anything!'.
I park in the garage and the phone out there rings so 10 year old answers it, it's for me.
Some lady from a collection agency wanting to know about my AH's bill with some hospital. She can't tell me a date of service all she can say is the amount $700 (one of the smaller ones) I'm standing out in the cold I don't really want to sit and discuss it with her (I don't know where this bill is with insurance/Medicaid I mean I just got home)- so I say he doesn't live here anymore -"well the account is in both of your names".
"I don't have $700 to give you, so do what you have to do"
"ok, bye"
I get in the house, 7 year old and 10 year old are fighting about one of them dropping a key. It turns into a grab you and throw you down fight amongst all the boots, bookbags & etc. in the kitchen. I separate them and send everyone to their rooms (it's 6 p.m.)
13 year old comes down because it didn't involve her even though she had started the fighting in the van on the way home.
It has become such a power struggle with her anymore. "I have never done anything for her her whole life," she says. I don't wash her clothes, buy her all the stuff she wants (except the IPod & PS2) - never cook for her, take her to school no I don't do anything!
Counselor's going to talk with her and see if she has depression the next time she goes there.
She won't go to her room until I get her something, I won't get her something until she goes to her room - (this is her 3rd ultimatum she's given me - she just keeps making up a new rule)
She seems to keep harrassing me like her AF did - like if she keeps doing it, I'll give in and give her what she wants. I will not be played like that anymore.
I just wanted to come home - watch tv and be with my kids and I can't even do that without them wanting to hurt each other.
And they just keep calling me names idiot, ******, and others not to be mentioned.
I wish I had left my AH along time ago... the kids might not be so screwed up and I definitely would be a little better financially.
He's starting over in a new apartment -getting new stuff, skipping out on everything and only paying me $100/month child support. And I'm left picking up the 'million little pieces' that he made.
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Old 01-22-2007, 06:10 PM
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I know you didn't ask for advice, but I'm going to give you a bit anyway. I rule this house with an iron fist and this is how I do it. You don't do what I want, I don't do what you want. For the next few days, maybe even a week, consider refusing them everything. No cooking. No laundry. No rides. No money. And when they ask for these things say, "I am not doing anything for anyone who calls me names and is rude and disrespectful. If you people want me to to take care of you you will respect me." And stick to it, baby. Don't be afraid to cook for yourself and eat in front of the little so-and-sos either.

I went through this with my son once, tho I admit opposite sex parental relationships are easier. He gave me crap then re-appeared not even an hour later to ask me for something. I told him in an angry tone, "You just refused to do what I asked you, so the answer is no." He was so shocked - he tried to weasel, "But mom ... "

But mom my arse ...

He does, for the most part, whatever I ask of him now.

I hope this helps, hon. By being a hardcase you'll be doing them and yourself a big favor.

Last edited by WantsOut; 01-22-2007 at 06:12 PM. Reason: quick addition
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Old 01-22-2007, 06:14 PM
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Your situation stinks and you have my sympathy. Raising kids is a challenge and it is even more challenging that they were subjected to an alcoholic. Would they be willing to attend Al-Ateen (if you have meetings in your area) or how about free counseling services? Yep, they're giving you the disrespectful mouth they learned at their daddy's feet. I don't have kids so I will not tell you how to handle this. I'm older than a rock, so I can tell you when I was growing up, kids didn't say much of anything. Period. We got smacked so we kept our mouths shut most of the time. "Wait until your father gets home" still evokes fear in me - and dad passed away in 1994!

When I lived in Maryland, fathers who did not pay court-ordered child support had their wages garnished. How about getting your attorney, or any family law attorney, to petition the court to garnish his pay?
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Old 01-22-2007, 06:26 PM
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Thanks guys,
I guess I'm still in an out of control life.
I know it won't happen over night - it's just when it all hits me at once!

He has paid child support the 2 times so far that he's supposed to - it's just that it's only $100! for 3 kids. 'Cause he wasn't working at the time we went to court for the hearing on temporary matters so the court set the payment so low. He started working 2 days later but just for a farmer - kinda an independent contractor.

I've looked into Alateen 2 years ago - there's just none around here. The counselor was originally court ordered for all the kids and insurance has picked up every dime anyway - she just keeps not wanting to go - so far I've been able to get her but with anymore days like today I don't know how long that will last.

I have to watch my toes a little because any bit of not doing something brings the fear of a sheriff visiting again like when AH had his mother call the cops and say I wasn't taking care of or feeding the kids - so they had to do a look thru the house/refrige.
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Old 01-22-2007, 06:36 PM
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Well this may sound crazy but this is what I did. No matter what was going on, I would call my boys to come and sit. I told them that they both knew familes they really liked. They both knew families they thought were ********. This is a chance to be one of those families they really liked. People in those families get along. Since your daughter thinks you don't do anything for her, it is high time she learned to do laundry. I mean a literal lesson. Your other two kids are old enough to help too. Praise them for their anticipated enthusiasm and in the same conversation, talk about maybe each one of them inviting a friend overnight for a slumber party. I think giving your 13 year old some mature responsibilites and praising her might inspire her to see that you resepect her as a young woman.She'll want more of that. I always used to praise my kids to friends, relative and neighbors within their ear shot. I know you want to smack her smart ungrateful mouth. YOU YOU YOU are the alpha female in your house. One foul word and the mvp and ipod get taken away. The 13 year old would go to Alateen. That wasn't an option.
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Old 01-22-2007, 06:38 PM
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I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wish I could be of more help ...

I'm thinking of you ... I know how hard it is. At least try to do something good for you tonight - a long shower or bath if nothing else.

And please think about the hardcase suggestion. There's nothing illegal about making kids get their own dinner. Maybe it's not for you, and that's fine, but I swear it works wonders. They think you have to do their bidding cause your birthed em. Show em different.
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Old 01-22-2007, 08:57 PM
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When the bill collectors call I would tell them the truth. Tell them you are supporting 3 children on your own, and that he has a job. Let them know he has an apartment and give them the address and phone number.

I know it's sometimes tough to deal with teenagers under any circumstances. She is old enough to understand that you are going through a rough time too.

I have to agree with wants out about not tolerating disrepect or name calling. When my son was around that age he started behaving like that. I literally cleaned his room of everything. Left him his bed, dresser and clothes. I made him earn the luxeries back one by one with good behavior.

Out of curiosity, are your children doing individual counseling or is it family counseling? Are you able to have counseling directly with you and your daughter to solve your conflicts.

I am sorry you are having such a bad day. I hope tomorrow is better.
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Old 01-23-2007, 12:55 AM
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Now that he's working, can you go back to court and get an increase?
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Old 01-23-2007, 08:33 AM
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Did that post bring back memories of fighting with kids/between kids. My biggest problem was that I would always 'engage' and get involved in whatever the fracas was about. Once I stopped (and oh man was that hard) things improved.
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Old 01-23-2007, 01:25 PM
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Your first problem is: she is 13..... do I need to explain further?

At this age my daughter decided that living with her father would be so much better.....and she started telling different stories at each household. This was a 40,000 dollar mistake on her part. After fighting the court for a year, I told her to go live with her dad, then less than six months later, she was begging to come back, and is back for over a year now. The mistake here was not communicating with the ex .... and letting the kids rule the show.

I let them walk all over me, because I didn't want them to think I was the bad parent. I put a stop to that, and things are better.....but it's about as slow a process as grass growing. The kids still fight.....and what I noticed was, we could be anywhere, a restaurant, grandma's, movies, and they would be the greatest kids, and the very SECOND we stepped in our own home, they acted like monsters.

They did therapy for a year, separately. Can't say it did much good. Probably made them dwell on their problems more, instead of helping.

The only real effective punishment I ever gave, was the day they were fighting non-stop, I made them sit together on the couch, and hold hands. They screamed like I was beating them. They cried. They squeezed the others hand. They promised to be good. Each time, I restarted the timer, like a timeout for little kids. Eventually, they sat quietly for the full amount of time and still talk about that to this day.

Meanwhile, AH and I were in kitchen laughing our azzes off....and trying not to let them hear. They were about 8 and 10 at the time .....

Anyways, divorce is pretty tough on them, and I think that's about when my kids started acting out, but don't let it continue too long, or you will regret that.
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Old 01-23-2007, 01:53 PM
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I walked away from the computer and remembered a turning point in my life. I don't know if it's the weather or what, but I felt like everyone is sharing so much, so I came back to share another moment.

It was the day I was picking up stuff in son's room. I found an old notebook, and flipped through it to see if it was full to go with the rest of the trash, and I saw written "I hate my mom sometimes". At first I was mad, then hurt, then realized, that's okay I hate myself sometimes too. I hated what I had become. The divorced mother, trying to do everything, and ending up with an alcoholic husband because I didn't have enough other problems. I spent most days mad at the world. I was playing the victimn role well. And no one liked me for it, including myself.

I can't say that things changed over-night, more like slow motion, but just realizing this made a difference. I would like to say that it's okay for your kids to have an opinion, but it's up to you to teach them that it is not appropriate to speak to you like that. It's not okay for them to treat you this way, but to fix that, you have to work on yourself. Look at your own behaviors.....man I hated that part.....but when you start treating yourself better, others soon follow.

For the financial issues, most medical places, hospitals, would just like you to set up payments of what you can afford to pay each month. When they find that it may only be five dollars, they will not care, as long as you are trying to pay it. In my case, after trying to pay the bills from when son was born premature, I sent $20 a month, and after a few months I didn't receive any bills. I called to find out, and it had been paid. The hospitals have extra funds somewhere to cover bills that ppl can't pay, or they write it off. In your case, $700 won't make or break them, so it might be a good idea to work with them. (I know it just happened at a bad moment, but it would be worth calling them back).

We all have days like that. I hope things are going better for you today
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Old 01-23-2007, 04:18 PM
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well i have no advice about the kids because my kids are my step kids and i only see them 3 times a year. but i know about bad days. i just had one on sat. everything seemed to go wrong and i spent the entire day crying, but it was good because i felt better the next day and the next. i can only imagine myself in your place. i would go outside and scream at the top of my lungs lol. i used to be one of those kids that disrespected my mom especially when dad was gone. she should've smacked me upside the head( sometimes she did). i don't know why i behaved that way and still don't but probably related to dad being an A. mom never got us help so i guess i just did what i knew to do. hope it gets better for you.
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