hezzie

All I know is that I can't go on much longer living with the stress that is inside of me. It's been 10 yrs, I want my pain to go away.

In reading the posts, I see people mention detatching. What is it exactly and how do I begin?

Is it ignoring my AH?

Cynay

Start with this thread ... It explains it well.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html

best

In a sense yes.

Healthy detatching would be doing the things that you like and setting boundaries so he doesn't cross into your space and take away your peace.

I am going to do this and this...he can sleep the day away or wake up and join me.

It is you doing things for you. Putting your efforts on your needs rather then putting efforts on trying to change him (something that can't be done).
Only he can change himself. Detatching is a refocus of our efforts away from them and then put on things we can have control on.

parentrecovers

to me, detaching is not doing for my (recovering) alcoholic/addict daughter what she can do for herself. it's about self respect, for myself and my daughter. it's about doing the things i can do, and staying out of the things i can't do.

sounds so simple..but it's not.

blessings, k

StandingStrong

I didn't understand detaching either. It took forever for me to finally "get it".
So, instead of trying to explain my opinion of what it is - I'll give you a few examples.

When AH (now XAH) got his DUI - I had nothing to do with it. And I mean NOTHING. That DUI belonged to HIM! I didn't stress about it, we didn't have big discussions about it, I didn't rub it in his face that he'd messed up again, I didn't attend his court hearing or take him to his mandatory classes.
(Now, it is true that we were already seperated at this point, but I can tell you that before this incident, I would have panicked over it, I'd have taken control and made sure that all was in order and he did what he was supposed to do, etc!) But nope, this time - his actions and the results of them belonged solely to him! I didn't allow it to affect me.

There have been times when he'd say horribly mean things to me. He'd accuse me of things that weren't true. And on and on and on. For years, I played into this. I defended myself, explained my side of it, tried to get him to see the light!!!! I don't do that anymore. I don't take it personally. I know the truth. So, he can say what he wants. I don't let it get to me and I don't respond to it.

Many times I've asked him to go do things with the kids and I. For years, if he didn't want to go do the suggested activity, I didn't go. I'd be hurt and sad and again, take it personally. And finally I decided that the kids and I were going to go anyways and we were going to have a good time. He could do as he pleased (he did anyways) so I was going to go do what I wanted. I didn't let his not going ruin our good time.

Summing up, I guess I'd say that for me, detaching is not taking things personally. It's about not letting it get to me. I allow him to own his own things - and I own mine.

Is that the kind of marriage I could live with? No, I couldn't. I need a relationship that is more than that. But even though we are no longer together, I find that I still have to practice detachment because he's still the same as he always was and I still have to have some contact with him due to our children.
Detachment keeps me sane.

Not sure I helped any, but sometimes I think examples help more than hearing one's definition. And I've also found that sometimes people have to find their own definition of the word in order for it to work for them.

dollydo

Detaching to me was taking control of me, my life.

If ex went on a toot, I didn't worry about him, I didn't lose sleep over him. I went about my life. I made my plans and followed through with them whether he was there or not. When he was gone, I never called him, he knew where I was, so why bother.

Some people can live with an "A" all their life, I couldn't, so the final detachment for me was to toss him out.

My Best,

Dolly

newenglandgirl

I think a lot of us have what Oprah calls an "ah huh!" moment...when all of a sudden we realize that the person we have been trying to interact with on a normal, rational, and sane level is unable to do so. This realization was terrifying for me. Almost like I was in a horror movie and I just found out that my husband was really the devil or an alien. They just go crazy, and you can't talk to a crazy person in any sort of rational way. But the crazy-making slant to the situation is that with alcoholics, they will then have these coherent/loving/insightful/tender/etc. moments that will "hook" you right back in if you are not strong.

I'm trying to be strong. I am using my head, not my heart. I gotta save me.

angelonmyshould

Detaching for me was when my Dad was dying from ALS and the kids and I soent weekends with him and left the AH at home. I didn't care what he did, where he went, who he saw. And when I got home I didn't explain to him why I went without him. The kids and I did this for three months until my Dad died.

If I didn't do this I wouldn't want to know where I would be today. And this was all before Al-Anon. I didn't know I was detaching until I started going to meetings.

IrshIzNotSmilin

I totally agree and relate with the exception of leaving with Standing Strong. So true and it is not the ideal marriage to have to live like this. Irsh

LiLL

My AH is in a stage of half admitting/half denying his problem, wanting to quit drinking but not exactly working a program.

So to me, detaching means:
~not to hope for him to stop drinking on his drinking days
~not to hope for his magical transformation on his sober days
~work extra hard on my own recovery whenever I start thinking/worrying about too much about his drinking/recovery