lavern

I had been doing really well at detaching from my AD. I had not heard from her since December 22nd. The holidays were hard but I made it. I told her she had to make things right with the Army and get her life together and I would be there. So, out of the blue she calls me on Friday and tells me she is going back to the Army to get things cleared up. I told her I was proud of her. She then called her father, my ex, and told him she was going back and that she was going to get clean and she would be back. She was sorry for everything she had done in the past to everyone. She was so sincere, she even called to tell us she was on the way a couple times. I thought something was strange because she had her boyfriends phone and I could here the TV in the background. She just said that it was the radio and even asked one of the sergeants to turn it down, said she took her boyfriends phone with her. Well, it was all a lie. She never left. Her boyfriend called her father the other night from the phone and ask why he was calling there. I was floored. It gets better. We just stayed away from her after that, then last night, Sunday, she calls, I turn the phone off after 10PM because of her calling at all hours. She leaves a message that says that she was beat up by her boyfriends friend and she cannot breath but she was back from the Army. Then 30 minutes later leaves another message just calling for me. In the meantime she was calling her dad to tell him she was back and everything went fine. When he questioned her she got really angry at him and hung up. She called him back and told him that she was going to kill herself and hung up. Well, he feels really guilty now so he calls her back. Her boyfriend answers the phone like nothing was going on. Why is she doing this to us, we are staying out of her life, we are letting her have her freedom. She is being so mean to us. How can one detach when they keep calling and lying to you.

parentrecovers

oh my, lavern. i am so sorry. sounds like she is really digging herself into her addiction.

i wish i could offer you something. know that you and yours are in my prayers.

blessings, k

mallowcup

At some point this becomes legal, perhaps criminal. She is AWOL. You know where she is. If it were me, I would get togehter with dad and pray together. She needs to be collected and decisions made for her. She need sto be turned over in all ways.

WantsOut

It's all drama ... addict drama. Somewhere in that noggin of hers she wants to do the right thing but she's too messed up to do it.

Pick-a-name

Sorry you are going thru this.....had a mini-version of this myself this weekend (I thinK! ha). No telling what is going on but I do think the A's try to pull us back into their storm when the fear we are leaving them to their own problems and detatching. Must be scarey for them to realize we are no longer waiting and watching their every move.

lavern

She was arrested again about 3 weeks ago for public intox. I thought they would see a warrant out for her arrest for being AWOL and call the MP's but they let her go.

I think you are right, her whole life is drama.

I keep wondering why she is doing this, I need to stop and let go.

Missy

Your initial post Lavern is because I still have my "AH" around. I cant handle the threats, dramas, but I am learning in Al-anon that I can only take care of myself. I'm not powerful enough to do anything else and nothing is my fault.
the three "C"'s come into effect if you dont know.
I didnt Cause it
I cant Control it
I cant Cure it

we are not that powerful...
good luck and keep us posted
missy xo

Zoey

Are you sure she went into the army, or was that a lie? She couldn't be that hard for the Army to find.


I am so sorry she is putting you through this. HUGS

prodigal

I, too, question how she is eluding the Army. They have a strict no-tolerance policy for alcoholism and drug use. If she came clean, they would put her in a 30-day detox program (at least that is what they did to my AH) and then they would dishonorably discharge her if she began drinking again after completing the program.

As a rule, her commanding officer would contact you, if he or she has your phone number. Then the MP's would get involved.

mallowcup

Good questions.

parentrecovers

i think all this already happened, actually. i think army already put her through a program and she relapsed/ran away/went awol.

right, lavern?

lavern

She did awesome in basic in the Army, graduated top fitness award. It happened when she went to AIT. Lots of drugs and drinking around her. She could not resist. She went AWOL once, went back, they put her in a substance abuse program, she went AWOL again. I think alot goes on in the Army we do not know about. They never call or check on her. First time she went AWOL I told them where to go get her, they did not, I had to convince her to go back.

prodigal

I can only speak from experience. The Army is short-staffed at the moment, as is the rest of the military. People are not clammoring to see a recruiter, knowing they could very likely end up in lovely Iraq. She may have been dishonorably discharged at this point. That would be my guess. She could have been kicked out and not have told you.

My husband has 20 years active, plus another 10 as a reservist. I pretty much know how the Army operates. It used to be that someone who went AWOL several times would face certain discharge.

I am sorry you are going through this. Although what she is telling you is dishonest, it is a backwards and weird cry for attention. Negative attention is better than none at all. As long as she thinks she can keep everybody upset because of what she is doing, she is getting attention.

I think you are handling it well. You are detaching, and she doesn't like that. My prayers are with you and your family.

lavern

Well, last Friday night my AD got into an argument with her boyfriend. He was throwing her out and her clothes and he called the police on her. The police did not know what to do with her because she had not broken any rules, maybe trespassing. So they called her father , my ex husband, to see if he could come get her. He was out of town and she knew I did not answer my phone after 10PM. He told them that she was AWOL. We are not sure we did the right thing or not. Well they arrested her and she is in one of the worse jails in town, waiting for the Army to come get her. She called me Saturday crying and I could here others yelling and screaming in the background. She had no soap or toothpaste , you have to buy it there, so, yeah, I gave in, I went downtown and depositied $15 in her account so she could at least bathe. It was such a sad place. I am so scared for her. The lady in front of me told me her daughter had been beat up in there. I just hope the Army comes to get her, it cannot be worse than this. Gosh, the guilt that her dad and I are facing right now. In the meantime my son is in the hospital with stomach problems. If anyone knows what will likely happen to her once the Army gets her I would interested in knowing. It can't be worse than this place.

parentrecovers

i'm so sorry lavern. i'll be saying extra prayers for your family.

blessings, k

lavern

I went to visit my AD last night at the county jail. OMG! I never want to be there again, it was so horrible. It was the first time I had seen her in 4 months, she looked pretty good, considering. We had a good talk. She did say she wants to change, she knows she can't keep living like this and never wants to go back to jail. She even told me she was praying to God to help her out. I told that I thought she did not believe in God, but she said being in jail had changed her. She wants her BF to change with her and to go back to him. He will never change. I did not say much about that. The MP's are coming to get her today, they will take her to the base and out process her. That takes about 3 business days. Her BF has told me that he does not want her back. I am really confused now. We are moving out of state. How involved do I get? She has no money or car or place to stay, so where can she go when she gets out next week. I am just not sure what I should offer her if anything.

Cynay

Man lavern, Im honestly not sure what I would do. I have a daughter who is 17 and know the depth of love for your child and I can not honestly say how I would handle that.

I know from the book that this could be her bottom and not to get in the way of that. To let what is going to happen, happen. As a Mother, Im not sure how detached I could be in that situation. Im sorry I have nothing to offer, but know that I do feel for you and Im here listening.

Zoey

I don't know anything about childern, but maybe you could obtain tel numbers for "Women in crisis" and a Womens shelter, and do you have a salvaton army? Give her the numbers. Churches aso help, I don't know what all they do.
Perhaps there is a halfway house where A's can stay if trying to get sober.
If she wants to be sober, if not drinking, any of these places would help I think.

Just a suggestion. Suggest you do not do it for her, just give her the info.
caring hugs

parentrecovers

so the army is going to cut her loose and offer no assistance? oh brother... seems they would at least get her in touch with social services or something.

no ideas for you, lavern. hopefully, she can find the right resources, and maybe you could by involved with helping her figure out her options? just talking it through with her? i pray she doesn't find a way back to the boyfriend.

blessings, k

pygmalion

Sometimes parents have to give tough love to make a child wake up. I will never forget when I was 19, dating an abusive man and my mother gave me the choice to go the domestic violence shelter or pack my stuff and get out of her house. She even brought boxes home. To move out meant to lose my car, insurance and my family (I was in college and working part-time). She made it very hard and I went to the shelter....seeing the mother's their with their kids changed my life forever. I got rid of the boyfriend and came home to my family.