domelia

I read this boards every day and they are certainly helpful. I'm learning how to detach. Go on with what I'm doing, taking the kids somewhere, etc. But I do have a question. And to learn that I am not alone.

I hope this doesn't get too long....

Yesterday afternoon my AH went out to help someone move. Came back around 5:50pm with a buzz on. My kids were in the living room with me and two of their friends. My kids are 11. He starts yelling and swearing about the neighbors next door (I have to admit they are a problem) and telling me I don't get it, etc. I told him this isn't the time to discuss this because the kids are here with their friends and then he starts swearing and yelling more saying the kids need to know that we live in a tough town, blah, blah, blah. He was saying "I'm not yelling cuz I had two beers or because I have this case of beer. I'm tired of them next door. You just don't get it. This is survival of the fittest." Just rambling. I continue to read my book and the kids continued to play their game. He eventually went downstairs to the basement to watch the football game. Being obnoxious in the basement. I'm glad he didn't come back upstairs. He passed out downstairs. I go to work at 3:30am. The kids need to be out of the house by 7:30 and so does my AH. It is now 8:00 am and my AH is still sleeping. The kids tried to wake him up. He didn't get up. The kids went to school. I just called him and he answered the phone. He said he wasn't go to work because he was thowing up and hurting. (obviously because of his drinking).

Now my question, when I get home from work do I confront him about this or do I just go on with what I do after work? Clean house, cook dinner, etc. If I get brave enough, I'm going to tell him that me and the kids are going to Al-anon and Al-ateen tonight. I want to take them but I am afraid to tell him.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

angelonmyshould

I have been here! I would just go on with my life. Before Al-anon I would confront him now I know I don't need the stress or aggravation.

You don't need to tell him where you are going with the kids. Just go out to your meetings and I bet he won't even notice that you were gone.

domelia

thank you for your reply. Yes, I think I"ll just take the kids and go. My son has no objections to going but my daughter really doesn't want to go. I'm going to take them both. They are each dealing with his drinking differently. My son never wants to be home and my daughter stays home in her room all the time. Never want to go over her friends houses. Her friends might come over maybe once a week if that. I definately think that they are being affected by this.

This maybe a stupid question, but when I do get home to I just ignore him (not confront him) or talk to him like everything's fine? I get a little confused on this part.

Thanks

WantsOut

oh God your post gave me flashbacks. Nurse, bring me my Prozac! lol

If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would make a list of boundries he violated - he yelled irrationally in front of the kids & their friends, and he was irresponsible about work. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that if he continues to behave this way (and define "this way" clearly) "we're going to have a serious problem between us". I'd even say that was the kind of thing an alcoholic would do and I'm very concerned. Basically I'd make it clear early on that crap will not fly. I wish I had done that with my exAH. I know they say we can't control their drinking, but I do believe that very early intervention might change things in some situations.

Good luck hon!

angelonmyshould

Is it your daughters first meeting? If it is then I would make her go. She just might find out what we adults find from our first meetings - that we are not alone. Let her know, too, that there is no reason for to speak unless she wants to. I am an Alateen sponser and that is one thing that I always stress to the kids when its their first time. And most of them by the end of the meeting have found that they want to share. But it's ok if they don't, too. My children say that I forced them to their first meeting but now they fight with me if I don't take them.


Life is NOT a bed of roses. We just learned to take the thorns out of them one at a time.

domelia

Thanks Wantsout!!!!!

This has been going on for a long time, but until recently I would be the doormat. I find that I am getting healthier by reading this board but I need to go a step further and go to al-anon. I do need to set boundaries for him. I think that he feels he can do just about anything he wants to do without any consequences whether it hurts his family or himself.

I am a little angry with him because of his behavior, but I think I'm more upset (maybe selfish) because if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid, then I have to scrimp on food and necessaties and the kids do without. Even though he didn't work he still wants money to buy his beer. Which I conveniently don't have in my purse.

For boundaries, I guess I have said one to him, if he ever gets pulled over for a dui I would not bail him out nor would I pay for a lawyer. I did that once for him and he didn't learn from it. He doesn't believe that I will not bail him out but I feel that it's his own responsibilty. I didn't make him drive.

Thanks for listening!!!!
Any other insight would be greatly appreciated.

domelia

This will be all of our first meetings. I do have a question about the meeting. I guess the meeting place we will be going to has a al-anon meeting and an al-ateen meeting. They are both at the same time. Do I just leave the kids in the al-ateen meeting and go to the al-anon meeting or do I stay with them for the first meeting. I feel that the kids would be more apt to open up without me there. Either way, I guess it's a step in the right direction.

angelonmyshould

You go to your meeting and they go to theirs. If you are not a sponser you are not allowed in their meeting (only two sponsers for an alateen meeting). And you are right they will open up more without you there. And it is the BEST step in the right (not the Left) direction.

mallowcup

I wouldn't even tell him. I go and I'd I'd take them to a meeting. Education is so important. As you learn, share and gain strength, you will make wise decisions. I'm glad he's throwing up. I hate that ranting. on and on and on, it feels like water torture. If he thinks that this is survival of the fittest, he's losing. I honestly don't know if I'd say something to him or not. It is time for some boundaries.

WantsOut

I didn't realize from your post that this had been going on for some time. I'm so sorry. It's such a nightmare.

yes, yes, go and and I'd tell him when I got back because I'd want him to know it was so serious that I felt the need to take these kind of steps.

CatsTail

Hi,

Don't bother confronting him it's wasted energy and take yourself and your kids to your meetings. I don't know if you don't need to tell him don't.

Cat

domelia

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm sitting here at work trying to keep it all together. I'm already getting anxious about going home to him. I leave work at 12:15pm. I am anxious about going to the meeting this evening but I know it's going to help all of us. My son has a basketball game at 5:00. It'll get over around 6:00. Maybe I'll take the kids to Walmart and then to the meeting. I feel if I go home in between basketball and the meeting I won't feel like going back out. Boy, is this first step hard!!!!

resentful wife

I'm also new to the fourms and in learning to detatch. But I'm lucky that our children are all grown and own their own. I'm also lucky because there isn't any fighting ,screaming or scenes. we also don't have money problems he has held a steady job thats pays well enough that I don't have to work unless I want to. The problem is that he's not ready to admit that drinking is a problem, nor as he reached his bottom. I detach from it by not trying to discuss his drinking while he is drinking and if he does something stupid, such as using the hot tub the one night a week I'm not home and looking like he'd been in a bar fight the next morning because he fell. Then I speak to him about it when he's sober. Your children know more than you think and the screaming and yelling in front of them or even if they are in range to hear it going on only makes it harder for them to deal and they will begin to start to act out. BTDT. The one good thing that has come of his drinking is that my aduld daughter joined AA becuse she seen that her drinking was out of hand and didn't want it to get to the point that it was her stumbling down the hall to bed. Good luck to you and even if the meetings don't take(I think they will) don't give up. Kepp reading the post here, it's helped me alot