High bottom
 

I suppose in some ways I was lucky, my xagf was financially responsible, professional in her career and to all outside apperances the picture of moderation. In fact, she drank at least a bottle of wine every single day, associated socially only with heavy drinkers and drug users. Could only connect emotionally and sexually when drunk or high.

In other ways, living with a "high bottom" or "functional " alcoholic is incredibly frustrating. It really does seem that they have it together, and its easy to doubt ones own perceptions. In fact, denial is an incredibly strong force, there is no tangible evidence of a problem.

No point to this, just venting

It's true. AH was extremely high functioning, high earning, high charming to the outside world. So not only did I doubt my own perceptions, everyone around us also just believed he "liked to drink." Double doubts.

((()))

Hey kentg,

You are right on there. I doubted my own perceptions constantly. My ex is hi-functioning, and quite charming. Other than the wives of the men she was out with nobody had a clue.

Mike :)

Another of the same story here. AH is functioning on the outside world so well that his own family thinks that I am the one causing all of the problems....Every time he has left in a drunken rage and ran to mommies, he has told huge stories how everything is my fault.....and they tend to believe him.

I used to doubt myself, probably for five years, almost lost my mind. He had manipulated me so well into thinking it was me with the problem. I am so glad for finding this place, or I may not have ever figured it out. He had always drank alot, so I wasn't sure if it was that or not. Then when I found out it was progressive, everything fit. Then I realized that I wasn't crazy. Such a good feeling there.

Then I realized it wasn't MY problem. Then I stopped accepting being treated like dirt. Then AH finally realized that he has a problem. The next step will be AH getting over his denial. He realizes there is a problem, but thinks he can control it.......

Well that's where we are, at least he is controlling his mouth. He used to say the most hurtful things he could think of when drunk, to "get to me", and he admits that! When he failed to get a reaction out of me, and I couldn't help laughing one time at the ridiculousness of his words, he just stopped. We talked about it later, and he thought I was an even colder, heartless b'tch, but then he realized that I wasn't going to fall for it any more. He knows he can't "get to me" and this deflated alot of his abusive mouth. He may have changed his tactics a bit though. I have noticed that he will be nasty towards one of the kids, correcting them for every little tiny fault he can find, very critical, and he knows I will step in at that point.....I keep reminding him that it would be very bad for anyone who gets in between a Mother Bear and her Cubs....he takes the warning lightly, but usually backs off.

We are at a mutually agreeable place right now. I don't fuss over his drinking, and he doesn't instigate any trouble when he is drinking. I wouldn't say it's perfect by a long shot, but for now I can tolerate it knowing that I am a little bit more sane.

If they're still drinking, they're not at their bottom ,yet. (We alkies love that word, yet ;) )

I was once that way, and used the same arguments. As the disease progressed, and I continued to drink, these arguments slipped away one by one until I woke one day and realized I crossed that invisible line a looong time ago.

Careful, it sneaks up on 'ya.

I see I am in very good company!

It's very hard to understand when someone denies your reality.

I had a problem in that when I told AH I wanted to split, his therapist said I was wrong to blame it all on the drinking. There were other issues. That kind of threw me because I felt that all the issues stemmed from the drinking - no sex, being passed out every night, not sleeping in the same room because of drunken snoring, etc. To have a professional say that maybe it wasn't just the drinking made me doubt myself. But now I regard her as his paid enabler.

Was she really saying it wasn't the drinking or was she saying that there were underlying issues that were contributing to his drinking problem?

T has told me that he couldn't deal with the things bothering him. He drank to numb himself and not have to feel anything.

Obviously as he avoided dealing with the issues, the pile of issues got bigger. The bigger the pile, the more he drank.

Well..

I don't think those facts
indicate mental health or functionality.

Glad you are moving on