I Need Help!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Leitchfield, KY
Posts: 3
I Need Help!!
Hello my name is Brandy and this
is my first share. I really need some help! I have been married for 5
months, my husband is an active A. Of course while we were dating I
couldn't see this. He knew how I felt about alcohol use and kept it to a
minimum while we were dating, after we got married though it was like a
light switch. Since we've been married there have been 2 days that he
hasn't drank. I am starting to get somewhat better at 'Letting Go and
Letting God' but it seems like just when I feel like I've really Let Go
something snapps and I start focusing on my husband instead of myself.
To make matters worse, I am a caseworker for women who are recovering
from alcohol/drugs. I see what it has done to their lives and I am
afraid alcohol is going to ruin mine as well. Also since we've been
married my husband has become extremely withdrawn from me. Again before we
got married he wanted to spends loads of time with me and now he says I
want to spend to much time with him. This isn't my first experience
with an A. I grew up with an A father, whom I also have to deal with on
a daily basis. He goes back and forth from drinking to drugging. What
gets me is I've ALWAYS said, "I'll never marry a person who drinks"
Now I feel like I am repeating the mistakes that my mother made with my
dad. Please understand I love my husband very much and I want to make
this marriage work (I don't want to leave him) but sometimes I feel so
completely emotionally drained. And like I've said before I do good at
Letting Go but then for some reason I take it back. Which doesn't make
sense because I am so much more peaceful when I do Let Go. Does
anybody have any suggestions? Some experiences in this would be helpful as
well. Sorry its so long, I just really needed to get all of this off my
chest!!!! Love,Brandy
is my first share. I really need some help! I have been married for 5
months, my husband is an active A. Of course while we were dating I
couldn't see this. He knew how I felt about alcohol use and kept it to a
minimum while we were dating, after we got married though it was like a
light switch. Since we've been married there have been 2 days that he
hasn't drank. I am starting to get somewhat better at 'Letting Go and
Letting God' but it seems like just when I feel like I've really Let Go
something snapps and I start focusing on my husband instead of myself.
To make matters worse, I am a caseworker for women who are recovering
from alcohol/drugs. I see what it has done to their lives and I am
afraid alcohol is going to ruin mine as well. Also since we've been
married my husband has become extremely withdrawn from me. Again before we
got married he wanted to spends loads of time with me and now he says I
want to spend to much time with him. This isn't my first experience
with an A. I grew up with an A father, whom I also have to deal with on
a daily basis. He goes back and forth from drinking to drugging. What
gets me is I've ALWAYS said, "I'll never marry a person who drinks"
Now I feel like I am repeating the mistakes that my mother made with my
dad. Please understand I love my husband very much and I want to make
this marriage work (I don't want to leave him) but sometimes I feel so
completely emotionally drained. And like I've said before I do good at
Letting Go but then for some reason I take it back. Which doesn't make
sense because I am so much more peaceful when I do Let Go. Does
anybody have any suggestions? Some experiences in this would be helpful as
well. Sorry its so long, I just really needed to get all of this off my
chest!!!! Love,Brandy
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Brandy
Wanted to send you out a quick welcome before I need to log off and go to work
Feel free to "get it off your chest" as often as you like. This is a great place for encouragement and support.
Read the power posts at the top of the anon forums for a little inspiration and I am sure others will come along shortly with their wisdom. Really some great people on here
You take care and again welcome.
Hugs,
Debbie
Wanted to send you out a quick welcome before I need to log off and go to work
Feel free to "get it off your chest" as often as you like. This is a great place for encouragement and support.
Read the power posts at the top of the anon forums for a little inspiration and I am sure others will come along shortly with their wisdom. Really some great people on here
You take care and again welcome.
Hugs,
Debbie
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Brandy and welcome!
My father and husband are A's so I know what you're going through. Letting go and letting God is the best thing you can do when dealing with your husband. Have you attended any al-anon meetings? It's a good way to keep the focus on yourself and learn about some of the patterns that were formed in our childhood that we are still repeating with our husbands.
Keep coming back and sharing with us.
Hugs,
JG
My father and husband are A's so I know what you're going through. Letting go and letting God is the best thing you can do when dealing with your husband. Have you attended any al-anon meetings? It's a good way to keep the focus on yourself and learn about some of the patterns that were formed in our childhood that we are still repeating with our husbands.
Keep coming back and sharing with us.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((Brandy))))
I, too, had a dad who was an alcoholic, and I always said I'd never marry a man who drank. Mine didn't--until he was 30! Now at 45, he is a full-fledged alcoholic, who believes he does not have a problem! How did I get here?
Definitely go to an alanon meeting, and read the "stickies" at the top of this forum. They are so helpful! You have come to the right place! Everyone here is your friend, and you will get so much love and support here. I'm still new, too.
Hugs,
Lyn
Definitely go to an alanon meeting, and read the "stickies" at the top of this forum. They are so helpful! You have come to the right place! Everyone here is your friend, and you will get so much love and support here. I'm still new, too.
Hugs,
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Brandy, So glad that you found us here!
This is a wonderful place to come and share what your are experiencing. You will find most of the time, you're not alone. Someone has usually had similar experiences and can relate to your feelings.
I get what your saying about letting go and then taking it back! It isn't easy and something that you have to keep working on daily. We all have good days and bad, meaning today you took a step forward by finding us, but tomorrow may be a step back day by taking "some back". Just read the power post and maybe co-dependant no more...and keep coming back. It DOES work.
Constant
This is a wonderful place to come and share what your are experiencing. You will find most of the time, you're not alone. Someone has usually had similar experiences and can relate to your feelings.
I get what your saying about letting go and then taking it back! It isn't easy and something that you have to keep working on daily. We all have good days and bad, meaning today you took a step forward by finding us, but tomorrow may be a step back day by taking "some back". Just read the power post and maybe co-dependant no more...and keep coming back. It DOES work.
Constant
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Brandy,
You are a caseworker for recovering woman? That is so interesting. That could be why you haven't been involved with an alcoholic until now. You get your fixing fix at work. I can see how it would hard to let go, after all your job is to help. At a distance I am sure, but these things have a way of sneeking up on us, repeating themselves until that particular lesson is learned. My dad was an alcoholic too, then my first husband. My current husband is an alcoholic and thrives.. not much of a problem there. It is when my son started down that road that I self destructed. I began to attend Alanon.
As daughters of alcoholic fathers it is common to be codependent. That is where I would look for guidance. There is ACOA (Adult Children of Alacoholics) Codependents Annonymous and Alanon. All are 12 step programs w/ Coda not stressing substance issues. Do some reading, find a meeting. You see a problem...do what you can to tackle it!
Hugs,
JT
You are a caseworker for recovering woman? That is so interesting. That could be why you haven't been involved with an alcoholic until now. You get your fixing fix at work. I can see how it would hard to let go, after all your job is to help. At a distance I am sure, but these things have a way of sneeking up on us, repeating themselves until that particular lesson is learned. My dad was an alcoholic too, then my first husband. My current husband is an alcoholic and thrives.. not much of a problem there. It is when my son started down that road that I self destructed. I began to attend Alanon.
As daughters of alcoholic fathers it is common to be codependent. That is where I would look for guidance. There is ACOA (Adult Children of Alacoholics) Codependents Annonymous and Alanon. All are 12 step programs w/ Coda not stressing substance issues. Do some reading, find a meeting. You see a problem...do what you can to tackle it!
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Brandy,
Welcome, welcome. I'm sorry that you are going through such a bad time with your husband. I have been in similar shoes, so I know how it is. Here's the poem I read when I am having trouble letting go:
As children bring their broken toys
In tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because he was my friend
But then, instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
with ideas of my own
At last I snatched them back and said
"How can you be so slow!"
"My child, " He said
"What could I do? You never did let go."
(If anyone knows the author of this poem, could you please post it. I have never seen an author's name attached to this and I don't want to go posting something without giving credit where credit is due.)
Peace,
Gabe
As children bring their broken toys
In tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because he was my friend
But then, instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help
with ideas of my own
At last I snatched them back and said
"How can you be so slow!"
"My child, " He said
"What could I do? You never did let go."
(If anyone knows the author of this poem, could you please post it. I have never seen an author's name attached to this and I don't want to go posting something without giving credit where credit is due.)
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: cincinnati,ohio
Posts: 35
Welcome
Hi Brandy, Welcome!
This is a wonderful place to come to for help,inspiration and support.You will find that many people share your experiences
I also didn't know my husband was an alcoholic untill we were married.I drank occassionally myself back then and thought he was like me (take it or leave it).The thing is he couldn't leave it!
I know what you mean about letting go and then slipping back.I suppose we've all been there!
Keep visiting this site.There are some very wise people here who have helped me alot.
Gabe, that is a beautiful poem! ......Karen
This is a wonderful place to come to for help,inspiration and support.You will find that many people share your experiences
I also didn't know my husband was an alcoholic untill we were married.I drank occassionally myself back then and thought he was like me (take it or leave it).The thing is he couldn't leave it!
I know what you mean about letting go and then slipping back.I suppose we've all been there!
Keep visiting this site.There are some very wise people here who have helped me alot.
Gabe, that is a beautiful poem! ......Karen
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Brandy,
So glad you found your way here!
My grandparents were both alcoholics, and died because of their disease at a very early age. My husband is an alcoholic and an addict. I am just beginning to see how the disease of addiction worms its way thru our family trees.
I can totally relate to what you said about "letting go". For me, I have just begun MY recovery in Alanon, and all the ideas and the program is so fresh and new. In one way that is a GOOD thing, because all of what I need to work on is very apparent... It's easy to see where I have gone wrong. When I finally surrendered to the disease myself, I realized how important it was to "let go" and "let God"... But what I find now, is that I simply do not trust myself / my God enough to actually take care of ME. In the back of my mind I am waiting for the worst possible fate, and somehow I convince myself that I can and should be prepared for it. Hence the worrying, the fear, the OBSESSION over my A and his disease. Every once in a while however I DO have little awakenings, and they are coming a little closer together. These little miracles / eye openers make me realize MY part in this disease, and how important it is to be able to detach from it... and to seperate my A from his disease. I guess my God IS really taking care of me, and giving me only what I can handle. I figure the lessons will come when I am ready to learn them.
I hope you keep coming here with your questions and in your sorrow, AND your Joy... We all deserve friends like these
Take care
Meg
So glad you found your way here!
My grandparents were both alcoholics, and died because of their disease at a very early age. My husband is an alcoholic and an addict. I am just beginning to see how the disease of addiction worms its way thru our family trees.
I can totally relate to what you said about "letting go". For me, I have just begun MY recovery in Alanon, and all the ideas and the program is so fresh and new. In one way that is a GOOD thing, because all of what I need to work on is very apparent... It's easy to see where I have gone wrong. When I finally surrendered to the disease myself, I realized how important it was to "let go" and "let God"... But what I find now, is that I simply do not trust myself / my God enough to actually take care of ME. In the back of my mind I am waiting for the worst possible fate, and somehow I convince myself that I can and should be prepared for it. Hence the worrying, the fear, the OBSESSION over my A and his disease. Every once in a while however I DO have little awakenings, and they are coming a little closer together. These little miracles / eye openers make me realize MY part in this disease, and how important it is to be able to detach from it... and to seperate my A from his disease. I guess my God IS really taking care of me, and giving me only what I can handle. I figure the lessons will come when I am ready to learn them.
I hope you keep coming here with your questions and in your sorrow, AND your Joy... We all deserve friends like these
Take care
Meg
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