WantsOut

Now when I look back it's hard to believe all the things that I lived with. For me the worst was when I was driving up our street after work and would see his car in the driveway already. I knew what I was going to find: either a guiltily effusive drunk, wobbling and "so happy to see me" and obviously praying I wouldn't start screaming at him. Or he'd be passed out on the couch already, reeking of sour beer and snoring, his pale, beer-fattened face smushed into the fabric. It was so repulsive.

I can't tell you how I've come to loathe snoring. If I met a man who seemed perfect, but he snored, we couldn't be together. I'd have to break up with him.

I remember long after we were married him casually telling me how bad his drinking "used to be" ... how a few times he passed out outdoors and slept it off in the open. Inside I was horrified but I didn't let it show. Slept outside? Like a hobo? A bum? My husband did that? But it all went into the hopper as I slowly realized what a mess I was in.

You know how early on I got a red flag? When we were flirting online he sent me a pic of himself at his desk. In the background was a tall boy six-pack of ice beer - I noticed it and registered that as far as beer went it was the biggest and most potent ones you can buy in the average store. Hmmmm ... but did I pay attention to my own intuition? NooooOOooooOOooooo!

Once I was asleep in the bedroom. It was the middle of the night. I woke up because the dog was barking and it was weird, she never did that. I put on my robe, stepped out, and there was a man at our front door looking in with a flashlight, POUNDING on the door as loudly as possible. I got scared and stepped into the bathroom but he kept banging. I stepped out and walked toward the door. There was AH passed out on the couch NOT STIRRING. He was so wasted he didn't hear the banging or the dog which were at MAXIMUM volume and happening in nearly the same room.

I opened the window next to the front door cause I was afraid to open the door. It turned out to be a cop. Our car alarm was going off and the neighbors complained. AH didn't hear that either th it was right out front and I didn't hear it cause of the A/C. After the cop figured out we owned the car he came to the door. When AH didn't stir from all the banging he thought he was DEAD and had just called in for permission to break in and check him.

I realize that if I ever needed this man to defend me, he'd probably be passed out.

Why did I live like that? How could I live like that?

Just thinking aloud ...thanks for reading.

jeb7363

I also can't take snoring now either. Mine would stay in bed on the weekends until 1-2 p.m. then get up and lay on the couch. his snoring was soooo loud I would try to drown it out with the tv, dishwasher, washing machine anything to make noise to cover it up! I used to run past the bedroom door so I wouldn't have to hear it....
I used to come home from work and he sometimes he wouldn't be there, he might be home in an hour or he might not be home until tomorrow. I wouldn't know if I should cook dinner or just go out, so I'd sit at home, alone and wait for the drunk to come home so I could scream at him and he could lie and make excuses. Of course I was young when he was doing this and scared and didn't know what to do.
After we had kids he came home everynight after work, but then would go out later. The miles I put on my car and gas I've wasted over the years to go track him down just to show him I knew what he was doing really pisses me off. The money we've spent on DUI's. Me counting how many drinks he's had when we would go out and beg him to slow down.
I gave up my own social life. I dedicated my young adulthood to monitoring his alcohol intake. WHY oh WHY did I live like this???

mallowcup

It's all so cumulative. I do think it's a good thing that you are thinking about this stuff, you aren't avoiding looking at it, you aren't putting it off or turning it into "small stuff". I think we live that way because we pas the fighting stage to the I don't give a crap stage. Just shut up and go to bed. We stop expecting anyting and get pretty good at avoiding them. Starting over is such a lot of work. We wind up having to leave everything that we do love. Our home, we are the ones who live in our homes. They live their lives in bars. It takes money to move, afterall, they are the ones who want to be somewhere else. I think we just start coexisting. You can't have anyone over when they are passed out on the couch but you probably stopped having anyone over a long time ago anyway.

care4uNJ

I can relate to that! One of the great things about being divorced is that I don't have to stay up at night waiting for him to get home. Running to the window everytime I hear a car pass hoping that its him. Praying that he didn't get into an accident or a DUI on the way home. I remember a couple of times when he would finally make it home alive he wouldn't even have the energy to make it into the house. He actually slept out in the truck. He only made it home by the grace of GOD!!

I'm so glad that those days are long gone!!!!! Jo

WantsOut

We did that for sure. For the last couple of years we were really more roommates than a couple. We snuggled sometimes but there was no intimacy, we didn't even sleep in the same room. I started to avoid him in our own home cause he would drunkenly ramble about such boring crap and expect me to ooh and aah over his deep philsophical revelations. It was like listening to two drunks in a bar when they think they're on to some mystic truth and they sound like total idiots. This was my life.

I don't even think I could ever live with anyone again. My space is the most valuable thing in the world now. I saw that story in the New York Times this week about how more women than ever are living alone. It felt like a relief to know that there are a lot of women like me now who relish being by themselves.

WantsOut

I'm glad I will never again sniff someone's Big Gulp soda cup to see what's really in it when they step out of the room. What maddness we lived with!

losinghim

Tell me about it, I just tried to do laundry and found a pint of vodka stuffed in the dirty laundry. I just wanted clean clothes, I didn't even have to search for the alcohol this time. And now he's mad at me! I hate that the feelings are slowly disappearing and I'm starting to like being alone.

embraced2000

oh boy, do i ever relate to this topic. looking back now, it's just amazing to me about the lifestyle i eventually had with xh.

and you know, other people that have no idea of our lives can really **** me off about this topic....all of us understand how it all happened, but how in the world do we even begin to explain to others?

i can remember "the looks", the sighs, the lectures, the exasperation, and all the frustration of others about the situation i was living in.....and it was always so judgmental instead of supportive.

how could we explain when we couldn't understand it ourselves? and after being so harshly judged and criticized by the alcoholic in our lives, we also had to endure the harsh judgments of our other loved ones. again, believing the blame they laid upon us for staying in the relationship. again, we were nothingness. worthless for living like we were. stupid for staying in the relationship. how many times have we heard.....god, what is wrong with you!!!???? you outta, you shoulda, you need to, you better......

ah, yes, looking back, i guess we received the same treatment from other loved ones that we were capable of placing opon our alcoholics.

i love my space now. love my alone time. never get lonely. just puttering around in my own little digs,

and, best of all..............I HAVE THE REMOTE!!!!! NA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAAA-NA

WantsOut

I went through that too. I'd find a full beer can stashed under the sink in the bathroom. Another day I'd find one under the dresser or betwen the bed and the wall. It was weird cause he seemed to forget about them. I'd stumble onto a nest of beers in the yard, or maybe a big pile of empties in a far corner by the pool filter, like a lost beer can graveyard. I could just imagine him out there, maybe squating so I wouldn't see him from the house, filling his Big Gulp cup and maybe guzzling one can real quick too. *sigh*

dogandbooklover

I can relate about the snoring. I would almost go as far as to say that if Christopher, my alcoholic husband, did not snore to wake the da*n dead I would totally be able to deal with the drinking. It's quite mind-boggling that something that could be so insignificant, like snoring, could tear a relationship apart. I know that snoring is only a symptom of alcoholism and relationships/marriages end because of more important reasons than that, but I honestly believe that when the partner/spouse can't ever get a decent night's sleep their patience fades. Their ability to deal with even the ordinary struggles in life just evaporates. Their outlook on life is affected. All because of someone else's noise. Amazing!

WantsOut

You're way cool Embraced

I had the opposite with the family tho. My family has this weird policy that we don't criticize each other. It sounds like a great idea but it means that no one gives anyone a wake up call either. When I told my mother I wanted him out she said she wondered how long it was going to take me. That made me a bit peeved because if she had made her feelings known, maybe I would have woken up sooner.

But of course it's my life, not hers, so I'm not going to hold it against her. She's been an incredible support to me in these rough times. No daughter could ask for more.

WantsOut

Isn't it incredible? I never knew it either but it's true. Snoring is unlivable to me now. I couldn't even have a sober partner who snored now.

losinghim

I couldn't even tell you what I have found (empty) the last few months. I don't even want to clean because I'm afraid of what I'll find. I get sick to my stomach when I see the amounts of empties. But then I get a little chuckle thinking of how pathetic he must look trying to find hiding places around the house. I used to look for it, now it just lands in my hands on accident. This is the first time I found a full one and of course he doesn't remember how/when it got there. Maybe Saturday or Sunday he says. I guess that's because he quit again on Monday, so it must have been before that. And he just had the nerve to tell me that I'm feeling sorry for myself right now because I chose to enjoy the rest of my evening alone. I will no longer let that get to me. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm actually Enjoying myself!! (wonder who the one feeling sorry for himself is??????)

embraced2000

i can remember hiding chocolate covered cherries under my car seat one time, many, many years ago....i was on a diet and i tricked my husband into thinking i truly was on one...when in fact i was sneaking and hiding food all the while.

he went out to car to vacuum it out, and found them. he came in the house with the most disgusted look on his face, threw them on the table and glared at me. i was so humiliated and ashamed. i had just had a baby, and i weighed 155 lbs after giving birth. i'm over 5'8" tall, so really, that was not a very heavy weight for me at all.....he just wanted me like i was before i had a baby.

anyway, i felt so foolish hiding the food. and i did it all the time. and he found it all the time.

i've thought of this often times when i would find the hidden booze bottles. it always embarrassed me when i found them.

i never had the problems with him snoring....hell's fire, he couldn't shut up the raging long enough to snore!!!!

losinghim

He's been sleeping on the couch downstairs, so I haven't even noticed the snoring. Before I would give an elbow and he wouldn't wake up, just kinda move and stop snoring.

losinghim

He does fart a lot!!! Even in his sleep!! He slept in the bed the other night, after going out for dinner and some drinks with the guys from work, and he kept farting all night. Even the cat didn't sleep in the bed that night.

dogandbooklover

I'm not leaving my marriage. That's not even something I would consider, but I swear, the snoring has done drove me crazy!

Christopher is out of town at the moment, job training and a new job, and as much as I miss him it's nice to actually sleep when I go to bed!

For the longest time he thought it was hilarious that he was told me snored so badly and loudly and obnoxiously. I wasn't the only one who let him know that he has a freight train living in his head. It's only been recently that he's realized it's not so darn funny and he needs to do something about it. If he doesn't drink he doesn't snore. Problem solved!

dogandbooklover

I used to be able to roll him over and that would do the trick. Not anymore. Even if he doesn't sleep in bed I can still hear him. Our house isn't tiny, it's not a mansion either, but if he's on the couch he may as well just be in bed. It's so loud!

dogandbooklover

Don't they all! I don't know a man who doesn't. Even the sober ones fart constantly. Of course, they all think it's the funniest thing in the world too!

Too funny about your cat. There was one incident when the dogs wouldn't even stay in the room. And, God knows a dog fart can peel the paint off the walls. So you know it's bad when the dogs won't even stick around!

losinghim

the cat would pick his head up and look everytime he heard the fart